Heya folks.
Love Mb boards lots , I read much and post occasionally.

What really is driving me crazy is that I voluntarily installed a porn blocker because I have been abusing it for way too long and wanted my wife to see that I cared about stopping the behavior and not hurting her.
Now I see that the website to the program has been getting a
lot of hits on our pc. It shows up as k9 web admin.Now I figure once the program is set up and I have gotten to the point where she has a password and I don't then it should be kind of just there. Well after looking on the k9 website ,it keeps track of internet activity.I am really ok with this, because if I had something to hide then it would be more of an issue.It is just really getting on my nerves bad that my wife is opening up this admin part and looking to see where I have been.The darn thing is set up!! Porn will NOT be allowed on our pc, soooo ummm she can stop watching me now.
If this is not helping her feel safe then I do not know what the point is.
I want to know just how much of an invasion of my privacy that others may think this is? Also is it not as if I am still guilty? She keeps looking to find more bad behavior from me, so doesn't that seem my efforts are being thwarted and not given any real validity? I don't think anything bad about it being looked at occasionally BUT every morning and night??? My wife seems to be obsessing ,while trying to MAKE me guilty, she just keeps looking and looking!! gosh!!
Anyway it just gets to the point where I feel like a little kid and she is Mom. It is affecting my sex drive and our sex life. I know things do not happen all at once , but I do not feel I can tolerate being watched by my "MOM" anymore.
I feel like she either needs to get help or this may drive me away!!
Thanks MB.
PS: I really do care about my wife and marriage, am not whining I just do not agree with one partner not showing much of any trust at all.

Hi, well I guess this only goes to reinforce that to your wife, your porn viewing is a HUGE deal and she obviously has some deep hurts around the use of it. Have you talked to her....sure you say it might drive you away.....but without seeming mean dont you realize that many women would have already sent you packing????Not all women are happy for there husband to participate in and support an industry that thrives on women who were predominately (96% according to recent research) victims of childhood sexual abuse....and totally disrespects and negates the sharing of body an soul that a wife shares with her husband .. After all if a man is prepared to go masturbate over any naked female body then what makes a wife feel she and her body is special to him????
Perhaps she feels that if you refuse to be monitored or leave over it, then so be it....perhaps she doesnt I dont know.....only she can answer this....
My best advice talk to her, try and see it from her point of view. As our marriage therapist told my husband ' if YOU have emotions that make YOU feel like a child then these are your issues, your wife is perfectly entitled to be hurt and upset about you creating a triangle in your marriage'

maybe she is just interested in YOU.
not trying to check up on but trying to find ways to understand you better....see what you are interested in etc.

Thanks Nia17
I can hope thats where my W intentions lie.
Been trying to talk to her about it. Got quite frictional though when I brought it up.Will keep trying to keep communication open with her.

if you are going to make assumptions,try to assume the best.

i had some of the same issues w/ my H.... the secrecy, the porn.....it started to drive me crazy.....it was like he was leading a double life that he didn't want me to know anything about.
when he would react in a defensive way, the more paranoid i felt. that's a lousy way to feel.

Wow , thanks it seems so obvious. But what an insight to help me out. I was just looking at how I felt IE:"OMG She won't trust me!!?? How dare her!!!!"
From the point of view that you have shown me, it makes total sense that when I took offense to her "watching" me, that she took offense to me taking offense!!
Thanks!

Can I just pretend like I never posted this?
Now that I look back on my post I wonder who I was at the time !!!8P

that sounds like a good thing!

i recently read an article in a womans magazine titled.."The thing that everyman hides from his wife."

it was about a wife who stumbled upon her H's online porn subscription.
he said was cool at first but asked him to cancel it because it cost too much.... he goes on to tell his buddies she found out and they kind of make fun of him for telling her the TRUTH!

months go by ...he never cancelled it...she realizes this and approaches it again....so, he cancels it and hides his "stuff' better...it went on adn on........she eventually found his other hidden accounts etc.
the author was so dismissive of his wife and her concerns....so disrespectful !
he kept checking in w/ his buddies who would laugh and make fun of the wifes "problem."

i was appalled by the lack of integrity and marital intimacy in the article.

Unfortunately it is a modern day social norm. It is what got me into trouble. I disagreed with my wifes reasoning but honored her request. It was when I started to focus on my religious beliefs and not what my friends did and said that I truly understood my wifes feelings and reasoning.

One thing my counselor told me was that I will have to open up my life to my spouse. I will have to give her access to my email and complete access to my computer and files within. We have destroyed trust in our spouses minds, we now have to earn it back. If we do nothing wrong there is no reason for us to be defensive about it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Gandolf...

I'm grateful for your post...thanks for leaving it up and for looking back on it...could you come on in with an update?

LA


JR,

Great addition to Gandolf's post...and sounds like to me you have a solid counselor. Thanks for being here, working on your stuff and giving to others through sharing. This is a real issue in a lot of marriages...and learning how to act to build intimacy, which means facing all the components of our fear of intimacy...takes real bravery.

Thanks for being brave.

LA

I agree porn is a huge issue in a marrage. Porn looses intimacy between partners and pulls away from one another emotionally I believe.

It took 10 yrs for my H to come to me and tell me he has a porn addiction. We fought over it for 10 LONG yrs. I used to do things intimatly *sp* but finally I got tired of seeing and/or catching him I gave him the choice to pick between me or the porn he picked the porn I stopped everything. That was atleast 5 yrs ago if not a few more.

6 months ago I believe he came clean to me. He told me he had several hard drives full and burnt CDS with nothing but porn of all types. It takes alot for a man to say he has an addiction and an even bigger one to admit to porn.

I admit I do a clean of his computer so to say and I will check his history on his computer. I have most of his passwords and yet to install a porn filter on his computer. But if I must watch over him like a child then be it till I feel there is nothing to worry of.

Those in counseling working on this issue. Thank you,