02/07
My wife told me she wanted a divorce last night. That she is not happy with me and that I am too controling. I am hurting right now but I will do my best to tell the events leading up to this.

After I said I wasn't comfortable with this a couple days went by. My wife said after work that the guy called her again and she told him I wasn't comfortable with it. He said I was welcome to come along and watch DVDs. I said no this is just too wierd. So a couple days after this she told me the guy had his kid that weekend and brought him to her salon for a haircut and talked to her some more. She said she was totally comfortable with this and she really wanted to do it. She convinced me to say ok, and she went over to his apartment and did it alone. She said everything went well and he paid her an extra 10 bucks cause she went over an hour. She was very happy and excited.

The next day the guy texted her on her cell and asked her if she would come over again that night. She said no and came home. Then on the weekend, the guy was suppose to be having a male friend of his over and they both wanted a massage. I said ok, but I am definatly coming along this time to make sure your ok. As soon as it was known that I was coming along "plans changed" and the guy didn't want her to do it. He said his X was giving him problems and it would look wierd to his kid to have 2 guys going in and out of the bedroom. This is where I started to get suspicious. My wife is determined to keep giving this guy massages, he is calling her at work and on her cell and asking her directions around town and crap like that.

I said that this is getting too personal and if she wants to go to this guys house again that was fine but that I was coming along every time. Now she says that is too wierd that he won't be able to relax with me sitting there and that I should trust her. She left me standing there totally upset and walked out the door and went to his apartment again. I am a control freak in her words.

Then last night after she said she wanted to seperate and get her own apartment and wants a divorce....

My wife is a good person and she has never lied to me. I really don't think she would have an affair. She has been cheated on in the past and I believe in my heart that she would be honest with me even if she did slip. I think it's important for everyone to know that.

___________________________________________________________
Original Post
My wife is a beautician in a salon. She has been kicking around the idea of learning massage thearapy and possibly doing that on the side, but hasn't had any training in it yet.

So the other day she is cutting a guys hair. She mentioned in their chit chat that she was thinking of getting into the massage thing. The guy then says, "I will pay you $30 to come to my house and give me a hour long message, I even have a message table". She tells him that she does not have any formal training in massage but he says he doesn't care. So she gets his number and he leaves.

She talks to her co-worker friend who was cutting hair next to her when this happened and she says "don't you think your husband will have a problem with this?"

When I see her later that day she is all smiley and says, "I think I got a side job" and tells me about it.

I am trying to be supportive but have to tell her that I don't like the sounds of this. It just gives me a bad feeling, just like it did her co-worker. My wife just doesn't seem to see this or understand.

I tell her when we talked about the massage thing in the past, we talked about her renting a space in a salon and clients coming in for messages. I said it just seems wierd going to a single guys house and doing it.

Ok, let me have it. Am I a way off base here being in disagreement with her going to this guys house and doing this?

I agree that it sounds inappropriate. What I don't know is how to 'make' your wife understand that. If you push too hard you'll be seen as controlling. But if something bad were to happen you'd never forgive yourself. Tough situation.

Can you discuss this further with some uninvolved people you both trust?

Can you find a third party to accompany her? On the off chance that the guy IS legit (unlikely), he would understand the need for an escort.

Not only should you be concerned with whether or not this client of hers has other plans but her safety should be #1 priority. Sad to say but in the world we live in today we can not trust anyone. She should at the least take someone with her to his house and if not that then wait until she can get her schooling and get a job with a Salon where clients come to see you. Safety first....

Thanks for the responses. She asked me what I thought about it again and I was honest with her and expressed my concerns. I don't think she will be going to his house. But I will sure be at her side and supportive if she rents a space and does it in a business setting.

When two people spend a lifetime together in marriage there are going to be times when one person just says "no" to the other. Sometimes we do control each other to a certain extent, but I think that is unavoidable and even healthy at times, when it's for the right reasons.

Thanks again, this is a good place!

No, you are not over reacting. As someone who used to be married to a "licensed" massage therapist.....this is wrong, wrong, wrong for many reasons. First, not being licensed, does not make it legit, therefore the gentleman is NOT expecting a professional, legit massage, otherwise he would go to a licensed person. If she really does want to get into this business, being licensed comes with all kinds of restrictions about relations with the "client" and what is appropriate or not or even not allowed. While it may be true that licensed therapists may do home visits, they still abide by the law and have to consider their own safety. For her to even consider going to the home of this guy, just like that, for "under the table" work, especially a "body rub" (which is what it is called if not done by a licensed therapist), is DANGEROUS!!!!!!!!! he could be a crazy person. Out of respect for you, your marriage and her personal safety, she should not do this, in my opinion. Let her become a professional licensed massage therapist if the really wants the work.

I have a similar situation with the exception my wife and I are recently separated. She has resorted to doing homework and studying with a male co-worker in her home alone. I did not know about this until I saw his car at her place one night. That was a big no-no to me. She would not understand how it was wrong in any way, even when I told her to put herself in my shoes. She would only say she could see how I see it that way. Even when I mentioned every one elses opinions (which matched mine) including my Christian counselor.

At the very least it will lead to an EA, possibly PA, and at worst...I'd rather not go there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Very weird datafan. I suggest you put your foot down that this is not ok.
I would not like my husband to go to a masseuse without my consent. I would also want to see her first, there are too many masseueses out there giving clients "happy endings" and who are really sexual massagists.
Any situation where a married person is alone with another person person from the opposite sex is just an invitation to disaster.

It sounds way too weird to me. Suggest having the gentlman come to your home and allow them to do the massaging in a spare room. Get a massage table BEFORE mentioning it so the whole "well he has a table" stuff can be thrown up. I think it is way too suspicious. If it was innocent then there would be no prob with you tagging along. Suggest maybe you tagging along the first couple times and then go from there.

I understand her wanting you to trust her, expecially if she has not been untruthful prior. But considering she is now saying she wants out and there is this man who she is massaging, just sounds fishy.

The first thing is DO NOT ACCUSE HER!!! You do this and she will get denfensive, not good. Just explain it is not that you do not trust her, but you do not trust the other man. Explain to her there are so many things that could happen, you are not trying to control her you just fear for her safety.

If it continues, I would confront the other man (Ask others about this, I am not sure if i am giving great advice- just what I would do...) and find out what is going on. IF something is inaprpropiate the other man is going to say it, most likely NOT your wife. So accusing and pushing her without PROOF is going to just dig a hole that will he hard to emerge from.

I wish you the best of luck and I really feel for what you are enduring right now. I completely agree 100% with Ninive's responce!!!

Datafam - I'm a Harley freak I guess. The POJA states, "Never do ANYTHING without the ENTHUSIASTIC agreement between you AND your spouse." Values are subjective. Is what your wife is doing 'wrong?' Different people will tell you different things. Does this situation go against Dr Harley's advice on how to care for one another in ways that keep you both safe and happy and keeps your marriage strong? I would say so.