I have been looking on this forum for the past few weeks to make sense of what I am going through.

History:
H and I have been married for 8 yrs in April, lived together for three years previous and have been together as a couple since 93. We have two children, 2 yrs and 10 wks old.

In Oct. of 06, H's cousin called me on my way to work and told me that H was having an affair with his wife. So, here I am 8 mths. pregnant on my way to work and I get this news. I call H to find out if it is true and he does not deny it. Now, I am devastated!! I call her who by the way is supposed to be a good friend, and she does not deny it either. We had been trying to help her get out of her marriage to WH's cousin, because of his controling behavior toward her. WH and I have been having problems communicating with each other for a while now at this point. So, I guess the both of them took full advantage of the solution.

Another thing that is a problem, is that my WH has taken up a lot of time with OW's son. So, after I found out about the A, WH used OW's son for an excuse to spend time with OW. He helped him with racing which my WH likes to do, so he used that and convinced me that it was ok, because he could not be happy if he could not help OW's son which would be his 2nd cousin!!

Well, I put up with it until after the baby was born in Nov. 06 and after the holidays were over. At that time, WH's cousin had threated to kill him and he meant it. So, my WH took off for a few days to let things cool off. When he came back Jan.1, I just told him that I could not stand for him to have contact with OW's son anymore and that I would not put up with it anymore. He was not happy, but agreed to it. I also called her and told her to stop calling my WH and to let us alone that if she ever cared for me and my kids, she would let us try to work things out.

So, WH stayed and acted like he hated to be there. He did not sleep in the same bed, say he loved me, or even try to touch me. I had enough after a week of that and also find out that she had been calling him and that he talked to her. The next day, he finally told me that he loved her, but he loved me too and that he had not been happy for a long time. He said that he hurt when he was with me and the kids, that he hurt when he was alone, but he did not hurt when he was with her. I was so devastated by this that I just told him to leave. He stayed gone for a week, but would come over everyday and spend the whole day with us and then leave at night. I thought we were trying to work it out. After a week of him being gone, I asked him to stay home and he said that that was not a good idea, so I called one of his friends to ask him how he felt about things, since I know WH had talked to him about this. He told me that WH had talked to OW and I was furious!!! I called WH and told him to get home and get his stuff that I wanted a D.

Long story short, he said he wanted to work things out and has been home ever since and has made an effort. He goes to church with us, but will not go to counseling with me. I feel we are making some progress, but I am afraid if he does not talk to someone about why he did this or what caused this to happen in his mind that he will do it again and I will not put up with it again no matter what.

I don't know what to do right now I feel so hurt because of this, that I am unsure that I will ever recover. They did this to me while I was pregnant with our second child and he did this with family. She lives in the same town as us, so I get to see her a lot more than I want to!!!

I just need some advice to what I should do, I love my WH very much so much that this is why I hurt so bad. I want to make this relationship work, I feel that he is my best friend and he just has some problems, but how much abuse should I take before I say forget it. Please let me know what you think, I am in great need of advice.

Thanks for reading this long post,

I suppose the reason you are not getting replies is that your story is just so devastating and we all feel your pain, but have no idea how to help! I am here because of a WH, but your story is so much more devastating. I am sorry that I have no real good advice, EXCEPT - make sure you read all of the materials on this site and ask your husband to do so. He may or may not be interested in going through the tough work required for reconcilliation, but because you both have a baby together, you should give him that opportunity. Be sure to complete the emotional needs survey (both of you), check out "love buster" and "love bank". Share it with each other - your answers. If you can get him to do this with you, and if he is willing to seek counseling with you, you have a chance to put it all together again. I just said a prayer for you. Note to members: even when people post seemingly impossible to respond to posts, you (us) need to do so - otherwise, we're not really a community.

Thank you so much for responsing to my post. I was feeling kind of down because no one had replied, not even to say sorry and I understand. My WH is going through withdrawals right now, but is trying to be open and honest with me about his feeling even the ones that hurt so much. I have been very understanding and grateful for his honesty. I have done a lot of things to hurt him and he has done a lot of things to hurt me, but we are working through them and hopefully starting a new life together.

I still have so much resentment, because I know that he loves me and how could you do this to someone you loved? But I think back and I definiately took him for granted and this is what happened. The main issue I have right now is his feelings for the OW's son. He has took up a lot of time with him and feels that he should be there for him to help him through the rejection the C's father is giving the C. WH feels he can relate with him, because he went through the same thing as a C. How do I get over this? I told WH that he could not ever have contact with the C or the OW and WH is depressed about the no contact with the C. We have a son and a daughter (the baby) together and it would not be fair to them to let my WH have a relationship with the OW's C. I just don't know what to do about it or how to feel. I care for the C too, he is family, but I can not even look at pictures of him, because of the hurt his mother and my WH has caused.

Thank you for your reply and advice.

Welcome. You might want to post on general questions II, where there is more traffic.

Your husband has to have no contact with both the OW and her son. When the line was crossed, he made it impossible for contact to continue.

I urge you to get some counseling to figure out why this happened. Your husband needs to be an open book to you and account for all of his time.

OK, jambear and believer you will not probably like what I am about to say (believer - i just sent a reply to you in the infidelity - just found out - as a disagreement. But, here is my two cents and maybe not worth 2 cents....

Jambear, I cannot imagine the pain you must be going through and hope to never be there and yet understand it a bit as a second wife with husband who had kids from a previous marriage. You have a right to HATE everything about the OW , the affair and the child that resulted from it! My husband's exwife was so horrible for the first 10 years of our marriage that it was SO HARD for me not to HATE his two children. BUT and this is a GREAT BIG BUT.....Morally, it is WRONG for you to demand that he have no contact or relationship with the other child. You will have to decide for yourself if you can deal with that relationship because the child didn't ask for any of this and deserves an involved dad, if only every other weekend and paying child support. It is ALOT to ask of you I KNOW and ONLY YOU can decide if you can carry that burden. No one, no pastor or friend would blame you if you decided that you could not continue the relationship with your husband if he created a relationship with the child! However, forcing him to eliminate or reduce contact with his child will only cause further problems in your marriage - he will come to resent you because he lost his child. If you want to reconcile, you also HAVE to find a place in your heart for the child. To love the child DOES NOT mean you approve of what he did or like the OW, it just means you are a strong woman who is able to give love to an innocent child and NOT make your husband suffer forever if he chooses to stay with you (and he will -- could you give up one of your children for him?).

Sorry if this sounds too goody-goody, miss morality - don't mean to do so. However, the child is innocent and needs your husband. If you choose to stay with him, you, your husband and OW will all need to find a way to be polite to each other for the child's sake - nothing else - just polite . He will need to love the child and support it which also means that if you stay with him , you will help him support the child - affair or not.

Sincerely hope you "get" what I mean and don't think I am trying to be preachy. As I said, been there.. have learned some lessons from other circumstances but same desire to cut out the former spouse and child.

OK, hold on, I think I made a mistake in your story. If the OW's child is actually not your husband's child, well then I agree with "Believer". Only way your family can be restored is for your husband to agree not to see the OW's child. She will use that as a "hook" to hang on to him and every time he tries to see the child, you will be left at home with your children worrying....

I am so sorry that I responded before rereading your original post. Another piece of advice- don't know any couple that hasn't hurt each other - some more than others like my husband and I and you and your husband. Agree with believer that counseling can help and materials on this site, as I originally stated.

I think the child is OW's son, not the WH's.

Yes, it is the OW's child not his child which is really his 2nd cousin. The OW was married to WH's 1st cousin which makes this even more weird for all of us. I have been reading a lot of the stuff on this site and have even called in to talk to Dr. Harley. This site has helped me a lot and going to church has helped as well. WH does not want to go to counseling and I can understand a little. He has been able to tell me how he feels about things slowly, so really what we would have been doing with a MC is what we are doing on our own. I think we had a break through the night before last and I notice a difference in him. I am very cautious, but glad and accepting that he seems to want me and this family.

Thanks for the words of encourgement and keep them coming!!!

Sounds like bovine scatology to me too.

Problem: You weren’t “there” for him.

Answer: Where, dear WH, did I go that you couldn’t find me, and why was it impossible for you to attract my attention to this nebulous “something” for which you needed me to “be there.” (BTW, why is it necessary for me to always “be there” for you? WH, don’t you have enough self-discipline, moral integrity, and honesty to keep you from making bad decisions?) Also, dummy, I was a little distracted by being pregnant with your child while you were sniffing around after your own cousin’s wife.

Lady, be careful about accepting crap like this from your WH. It’s clearly an attempt to rationalize his unacceptable behavior and minimize his own culpability for that behavior. In short, he doesn’t want to take the responsibility for being a complete jerk. He made the decision to engage in inappropriate conduct at a time when his support of you should have been at its greatest!

JBT, don’t let him use psychobabble nonsense like that on you. What he’s said is meaningless and is little more than a pathetic attempt to deflect criticism of his performance. The fact is, he (and he alone) is responsible for cheating on you and the children.

If you and he aren’t in couples counseling with an experienced, pro-marriage counselor, JBT, I suggest you find one quickly. If you can, get one of the MB counselors, such as Steve Harley, to do some phone counseling with the two of you.

Good luck.

Hi,

I just scanned your situation so I hope I didn't miss anything crucial.
Some things about your situation seem similar to mine – our ages, children’s ages etc.

Your husband’s statements (you weren't there for me when I really needed you blahblahblah) sound a whole lot like the dwang my husband spouted after Dday #1.
The reason, it turns out, that he was so busy rationalising/excusing/blaming/justifying was because he was by this stage having a full-blown affair while I was under the impression that NC was firmly in place.

Are you sure that the affair is indeed over?