Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 12
W
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 12
Hello, new to this board. I have been looking over some of the other parts of the website and thought id post here first to see if I can get some direction.

I will try not to make this too long. I really need help so please try to make it to the end.

I married my highschool sweetheart. Been together for 12 years and married 5 of those. We have a beautiful 2 year old girl we both love very much. We have always been thought of my our friend as the "ideal couple".

For about a year, she had been telling me she wanted the "old" me back. Only thing we came up with that made me unhappy was my job. We MUTUALLY agreed i could quit it. I was also going to get laid off the same week. Next, our insurance ran out, so she had to stop taking Zoloft cold turkey. Then money started running out. I got another job making much less. Less money, but now I feel better in life. I come home happier and leave worries at work. I think the old me is back. BUT, now she seems unhappy. 3 months go by, and she always looks unhappy. Everytime I ask whats wrong its an argument.

Finally, one day she tells me she is done. She has had enough. She cant go on being unhappy. Said for the past year she had been trying to make me happy all the time and she is tired of it. Tells me that I dont seem happier (although everyone else says i am). Says I was selfish for getting an easier job, that pays less. Says she has changed, she wants to start over with just her and our daughter, wants me out of her life. She told me 3 reasons for this. I could have done more with our daughter, which I agree, everyone wants to do more with their kids. Two, I never told her she was pretty, I did but she never listened. And three, the biggest one she says, is Money. Says I am the reason we have less money. She took her wedding ring off yesterday.

For the past week, I have literally begged and pleaded with her to change her mind. I love her very very much and want to grow old with her. I never seen this coming. Everytime I mention counseling or that I want to work things out she says NO. I say things like, Lets work it out for our daughter if anything. She ways she is doing whats best for her. Says she already started the paperwork. (she used to work for a lawyer).

Thing is, I never was told that I was doing anything wrong. Just one day it all hits me, and now I dont even get a second chance?? I dont cheat, abuse, drink, smoke, lie, be mean to my daughter, I never even had a speeding ticket. I think im a good guy. Cook, clean, play with daughter, try to be nice to the wife. But, she says her main reason is she doesnt feel "financially stable" anymore. We still make good money together. We live in a nice house, 3 cars, etc.

I have prayed and prayed and dont know what to do. I begged for 6 months to make her happy. Go to church, see a counseler, and she still says no. I am lost. I still love her with all my heart. I know her well, and she is not acting like herself..just so cold to me about this. I have helped her with things for the last 12 years. I just ask for another chance. I cannot justify a divorce for the reasons she has given me.....I dont know what to do.

Thanks for reading, any suggestions? sorry for the book.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 12
W
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 12
just to add.. as if it wasnt long enough.. whenever i talk about how we can change the future especially on my end, she says "she doesnt want me to change just to make her happy". Or, "If you change the way you act, you will not be acting like yourself". or, "i dont want to tell you how to act, you should have done them on your own before"

Its like i cant win. I try to explain to her, i love her and people do things for people because they want to and because they love them.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 2
M
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 2
Warren...my story is similar. My wife left for what was in my opinion silly reasons. It took a good amount of time, but I finally started making changes for myself. I have a good life now. I have custody of the kids, kept the house, kept my job, etc. Basically my life stayed the same. Her life? In ruins....she certainly is happier now (Lots of Sarcasm here).

Anyway, the part that took me the longest to get is this...SHE is the only one that can make HER decisions. YOU can't make her want to come back. So stand up and be a man and change for you, not her. If she wants to come back, she will. If she don't, she won't. Is she taking the easy way out, YUP!!!! Is it fair, NO!!! But it is what it is and life does go on. YOU deserve better than that!!!

Not to be harsh, but you won't get this until some time has past and the trauma has subsided. But, one day you will get it.

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
Oh, I'm sorry.

First, I think you need to take a deep breath and not panic. Your wife will quickly find out that she has FAR less money divorced than she does married, unless she's been supporting you and you've been wasting it on drugs or gambling--which I'm not hearing.

In addition, you will still be in her life. She cannot start life over again with just her and her daughter. You will still get time with your daughter. In addition, your wife will have no help at home.

All that said, you need a plan to make more money doing something you love. Is your current job part of a career path or is it dead end? If it's dead end, how can you change it into a long-term career with a path to making more money?

Also, I think when you wife said you could do more with your daughter she could have meant two things: spending time with your daughter being a dad--that falls under Family Committment; or helping take care of your daughter--changing diapers, dressing her, feeding her, etc--that falls under Domestic Support. Figure out which one it is, and change fast.

My guess: THe reason your wife thinks you're unhappy is because she's unhappy. It could be you, or it could be you combined with her situation. Does she like her job? If she's staying home, is she lonely or stressed out? Does she want more of your attention? Have you been spending 15 hours alone with her?

Fill in the ENQs and LBQ as if you were her. What would she put down? Then, use that information to form a game plan. Do the change, don't tell her you are changing. This works well because she won't have the opportunity to tell you not to change, and she'll experience the effects of your changes.

Have patience. It takes a long time to change the course of a aircraft carrier. Marriage is the same way when it's headed in the wrong direction.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 12
W
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 12
movinoninne - thanks for the advice. It sounds like you won in the end. I am happy for you.

Greengables - thanks for the advice as well. The thing is, at my last job, I was unhappy, but made great money. She was able to buy anything she wanted. Now we are not doing so well. But, i am in a better mood due to less stress. My job has MUCH room to grow but she says she cant wait.

She often tells me now how she grew up poor,(so did i) and she is mad at me, because it looks like she is going back to being like it was when she was growing up. Which she is not, she is overreacting big time. No one here is starving and we havent lost anything. I just cant see money being the main reason for this. I have known her so long and know how she is. This is a totally different *name* than what im used too. Since i made more money before, she was able to go to school and do the career she always wanted. She loves her job.

I am pretty good with money. I dont drink, gamble, go to bars, i do nothing. She does the bills so she sees it more than I do.

Since all this, I have in all honesty been a better person. A month ago when she told me how I was, I have been doing things because I want to. Some things I do for her now i didnt do before, but most things I do cause she painted a picture of me and i didnt like it. I play with my daughter MUCH more, I work overtime at work, trying to get a second job, clean more, cook more, etc. And after all that, she tells me tonight, "well the papers are done, i should have them tomorrow." She tells me that right after we actually laughed about something together tonight. Shot me down real quick.

I am just having a hard time understanding why she is so "set" in the divorce mindset with NO looking back, changing, second chances, or anything. Throw 12 years out the door due to 4 bad months. Claims she lived her life for me and now she is tired of it. A little unfair to me. I never asked her to do that. Says I never showed thanks. I just thought thats how she was.

Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 106
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jul 2006
Posts: 106
Warren,

Could your wife be having an affair -- whether physical or emotional? Has she taken on any new hobbies or traveled in new social circles? She may be of the mindset the grass is greener, even though it isn't. That would explain the unexpected bomb.

HL


Hardlesson BS: Me (41) FWW: XW (40) Children: Three daughers (2, 10, 13) DDay: 6/3/2006 M: 19 years Divorced: 10/4/2006 Out of the valley of dispair and working my way back up the mountain.
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 12
W
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 12
well, it has been brought up but of course she denies it. She suddenly has became more busy at work. Other things have been going on I find strange. Like she took off her wedding ring one day this week. We havent even begun the D process. She went outside earlier to a neighbors house to ask her something and I offered my coat and she said, "no ill just go get mine out of the car". No more kisses or anything. Wont say "I love you" on the phone anymore. I really dont know. I dont know anything as of late....

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
I think it sounds like an affair. I hate to jump to that conclusion, but I don't think this is at all about money.

So, if she's got papers ready to sign, I suggest you go find the toughest lawyer out there, and get some information.

Some questions to ask:

Custody, what are father's rights, and how are courts likely to decide custody should we have a battle?

Spousal support and child support. What will that look like? Will the fact that you put her through school have any impact on the property settlement and support?

Is the state "common property" and is the state "no-fault divorce"? If it's one of the few states that do consider the reason for divorce, you may want to finding evidence your wife is in an affair. I know that sounds harsh and sleezy. However, if you know, you can expose the affair which is essential to ending it, you can also use that to get her into marriage counseling, etc.

Oh, and ask if the court can require your wife to go to marriage counseling as part of the divorce process.

Ask what you can do to slow down the process and protect yourself.

Most lawyers will tell you not to move out. So, don't move or sign anything without legal advice.

Read up here on infidelity. Many, many couples are able to recoup, regroup and recreate wonderful marriages after infidelity.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833
Warren206,

Your last post had a number of red flags that we look for in cases of active affairs.

It would greatly behoove you to do a little poking around. Can you look at her cell phone records? Are there a number of calls to one number? Is her usage of min way up? Text message? Never far from her side? Locked? Would she let you look at it? Message / call logs always deleted?

There is a thread called "spying 101" look for this thread! It will have a number of helpful suggestions to help you find out what's really going on!

If you uncover evidence / are still suspecious of an affair post on the GQII forum. You will git a lot of good advise from that perspective there.

Stay stong and keep up the plan A.


WTF *** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833
BTW: The advise that GG and others are giving you is spot on! I'd follow it regardless of what I find "poking" around.


WTF *** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 12
W
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 12
thanks for the comments. I need all i can get right now.. I thought i wouldnt have go the route of getting a lawyer, but, sounds like im going to have to. What is the "A" plan. I cant seem to find it on here.

Here is an update. I thought we were having a breakthrough today. But I was wrong. At about 4:30pm EST she called me to ask if she could go out with her friends. They wanted to take her out for her birthday. Friends being, one woman that recently divorced her husband, and a lesbian couple. So, believe it or not, I said sure. I get home before she does and check the computer. We have myspace accounts and I looked at her page today. All the nice things about me are gone, and she has a song on there by Keith Urban called "Stupid Boy". You should search for the lyrics. Very hurtful. So, I felt very sad.

She comes home and I give my daughter a bath. Something she said I never do. After that, she gets ready to leave and she says "Thanks for letting me go". And I say, "Not bad for a "Stupid Boy" huh"? I was referring to her song she choose for her myspace. She goes, "oh yeah, haha, did you like that. Did you get it". I say "yes, its a little hurtful, and I dont think you ever had it that bad". That didnt go over very well with her though its the truth. She went on about how she did everything in life for me and I neglected it. And now that she has the papers I am ready to change.

She says she mentioned divorce 6 months ago and I never changed, and now she has papers, I am ready to be good. she walked in i have to go... more to come. thanks

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
Count me among those who suspect an affair; at least an emotional affair.

It's common for a wayward spouse to mentally re-write history...but that's the way they see it at the moment, and arguing them out of it doesn't work.

Quote
I say "yes, its a little hurtful, and I dont think you ever had it that bad".

Telling her it was hurtful is fine. Telling her she didn't have it that bad is not a good move. If you hope to make any progress, you have to respect that's how she feels & not belittle her feelings. Listen to her feelings...one of the sexiest thing a man can do for most women is really listen to her...without trying to "fix" anything, argue, win points...just listen.

Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833
Warren206,

How are you doing?

Have you discovered anything?


WTF *** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 192
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 192
Warren- If she dedcides to take off you will be better off. It does not sound like she is very loyal. It looks like she kicks you when you are down. Who needs that????? I think that is what marriage is all about standing by each other when the times get tough. Don't beg her to stay or argue with her reasons to jump ship. That is Plan A. Also become independent. The we you speak about sounds like an illusion.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 82
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 82
Good post by movinoninne. Don't sell yourself short. Some poeple seem to like being unhappy and can't be pleased no matter whatever you do - they always seem to be wanting or wishing for more or something else. She may never be happy. Don't let her drag you down with her.


notashoped
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 487
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 487
Hi Warren,

My XWH did all of what your W is doing. He was cheating for sure. I have all kinds of ideas on how to catch a cheater but the easiest and most effective is a PI. They aren't cheap, however. Perhaps, a friend or trusted coworker can follow her. Get your hands on cell phone records. I would even check out her car for a "secret" cell phone. My XWH carried one around for a long time before I found out.

I read one of the posts that said your W will not change unless she wants to. That is very true. As you see, I am divorced because my WH wouldn't end the affair and wouldn't listen to anyone unless they agreed with him. I spent thousands in counseling and marriage retreats to no avail. I begged for anyone my Ex respected to reason with him. Nothing will work unless your wife wants it to. I'm sorry to be so blunt. I know the pain you are in and I empathize with you. Please know that the pain will lessen even if the worst does happen. As hard as it is, focus on yourself and your daughter. I will throw a prayer up for you and your family.

Loni


BW (me)46, XH 46, OW 42 (former friend)
DS26, DD23, DS21, SS17, SS27
EA since 2/04? PA?
He filed for divorce 3/8/06.
OW divorce final 3/10/06.
He left 3/13/06, "to think"
Gave me letter from lawyer on 3/17/06.
Divorce final 9/1/2006.
Happily remarried to new H 6/7/08
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 12
W
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
W
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 12
Thanks for the replies everyone and asking where ive been. Well, its been a rough month. My W was constantly dangling these "papers" she had for me that her ex-boss (a lawyer no less) did for her for free. Well, one day I had enough and told her to bring them to me so I can take them to my lawyer. Well, that very day, she came to me and said, "Hey, ive been thinking, maybe we can work things out. I will just chill out and try to make it work"

Well, I was shocked really. I figured it was a drawn out ploy to get me to "act" the way she wanted me to. So, 2 days after that, she decided she wanted to get a tatoo on her forearm. It makes no since. I tried to tell her that the profession she is in, it might not be a good move, and to maybe reconsider, or at least maybe another spot. Well, as you can imagine, she didnt like what I said. It started an argument of course. A friend of mine was actually going to do it for her. Long story short, I texted another friend stating what she was going to do and wish she would change her mind.

Well, unfortunalty, he told someone, and they told someone, and by the time it got to the guy that was going to do it, they made it sound like i was going to be mad at him if he did it. So, he called her and said he isnt going to do it because of me. Very untimely event. A HUGE misunderstanding set her off. So that was the end of her "trying".

So, we have been sleeping seperate now for a week or so. We dont talk. Somone called me yesterday pertaining to her business, and I referred him to her. Of course, no thanks from her. So, she had a appt with them yesterday at 6:30pm. She got mad cause I couldnt go get my daughter and told me "it would be nice if I actually helped out some". lol. How can I when im at work. And I gave her the business to begin with.

So out of the blue today, she texts me. "Have you looked at the papers, I need you to hurry up before I have your served at work". Said she is done being nice, and now she means business. She is unreal.

The first sentence on the papers are wrong. It reads we have been "living in a state of seperation". Which we have not. So, I guess I will read through the papers tonight. I will try to contact a lawyer to at least read over the papers.

Thanks for reading. I need all the advice I can get.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 111 guests, and 51 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P., Alex82
71,727 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,545
Posts2,322,787
Members71,728
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5