I do want to save my M more than anything in the whole world Mel!I am going to quit the gym!I told him I would quit,he is the one who told me not to!I told him it was worth it!

Hi JKS

I'm back from my week in the wild wild west of mining camps and remote communities <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> sunburned and bleached <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Noticed you have been getting good advice and that you are getting the important point with SF for now ... if he wants you then its connection even if tenuous for the time being.

As for the job, look ANY job which will allow you to live on is what you should be going for right now. Cleaning, washing, whatever!! just get out of the gym. Every moment you are there you are rubbing your H nose in the A, being the place it started. This will hurt your chances of getting your H back.
You can look for a new gym type job later, just get out now.

Remember your H only is going to pay attention to actions right now. He'll watch and think so act asap.

come on jks I KNOW you can do this!

I am so glad you are back AW!Hope u had fun!I am feeling so hopeless at this point!My H never called me on Fri like I suspected,and is in LA with his friends and family for a bday party!I haven't heard from him in two days and don't know what to do!His friends tell me to give him space,but I don't know what the right thing is anymore!I feel like I am fighting and he dosen't even care!I found out he is going out of town with his snowmobile group this next Wed for 5 days from his brothers girlfriend!It seems like he is just having a great time,and could care less about me!He just seems to be avoiding!And I am quitting the gym!It is just my side job!I don't know how to get through to him AW!A couple of his friends told me that I am stupid to be having S with him,and be at his beckoned call cuz that's every mans dream!They said he gets sex with his hot wife,and then gets to be single and have fun!They don't think things will ever change if I don't make him work on our M cuz sex is easy,like my H said!I know everyone here says to keep meeting his EN's but isn't there some validity to what they are saying?I feel so discouraged right now!I want to feel his love again!

Did you quit the gym?

p.s. your friends don't have the slightest idea what they are talking about. You aren't going to get your H back if you play cat and mouse games with him. That is a turn off, especially with a wife he DOESN'T TRUST.

The way to get him back is to REGAIN HIS TRUST and attract him back by meeting his needs.


DUH! Does your friend think you are going to attract him back by being every man's NIGHTMARE? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Tell your friend to keep his day job because he doesn't know a whit about marriages..

Yes!And thanx for the advice on the sex thing!

How are things going for you this morning jk? Noticed we both had rough weekends ...

TFL,things don't seem to be going so great!Didn't hear from him all weekend!I was going to send him a txt but thought maybe I should just back off for a little bit!I truly am lost right now!He went out of town to a family party and to see his buddies!I don't understand why he dosen't miss me at all!The only reason I didn't call for days at a time during my A was because my mind was preoccupied with someone else!Sometimes it makes me wonder!Even though he has said there is nobody else,maybe there is!I feel really hopeless right now!I just wish he would talk to me!How r u doing?

Feeling the same as you right now ... maybe its the full moon (I wish). It looks like things are over - he wants a divorce and is planning on leaving when school is out for the little one. I am hoping that I can salvage it before the end of May. Not sure though? I'm thinking of you and wishing I could offer some advice, but since we are in the same boat ...

So I still haven't heard from my H and it has been since Thur since I saw him last!I sent him a txt last night saying I knew that I hurt him worse than anyone has ever hurt him,but that I truly loved him and wished he would have been with me this weekend,and life was not the same without him!Maybe a little heavy but I haven't heard from him in days and I don't know what to do!The last thing I want to do is bug him,but how long do I wait without hearing from him? Why is he ignoring me?

Dunno. And maybe you can find out (do a little intel work). But in reality, it doesnt matter anyway. The things YOU need to do are the same, no matter what he is doing.

Stop talking about the affair until he wants to talk about it. Your text messages and conversations should be upbeat...about positive things. You need to build up the love bank before the obvious withdrawls from dealing with the affair.

I found this out in recovery. I have left a lot of questions and issues on hold right now...as I know that my wife and I need to build up our love banks before taking those kinds of hits. I am not glossing it over. But, just waiting for a better time when the marriage can handle it...for both of us.

So, give him today...what you are today...and what will be tomorrow. Stay positive...even if he might be screwing up. The last chapter has not been written. Be the best wife you can...show him respect...and leave the rest to God. I believe he will get it.

Right on ... I needed that too! Thanks Mortarman!

How do I be a better wife and be positive and upbeat if he dosen't want to talk to me!I just wish he would let me know what he is thinking insted of ignoring me!I want to call him but I am afraid that if I do I will bother him!I figure if he wants to talk he will call!Is that wrong?Should I just give him his space?My IC said that when and if he wants to work things out he will let me know and not to push too hard!So I thought maybe I should just leave him alone for awhile!I feel in some ways he is playing games,or getting revenge,and am so afraid he may be talking to someone else even though he keeps insisting he's not!

CALM DOWN!

The average affair takes TWO YEARS to recover from. That right, TWO YEARS! You are going to have to ride the storm out for this time. Remember, you got yourself into this mess. It's going to take time to win him back. If his parents are anything like mine, they are going to be in his ear about leaving you, so it isn't going to be easy for him to just forgive and take you back. It will take at least six months before he may become engaged in the M again and willing to meet some of your ENs. All I can say is keep up the good work. If he won't talk to you, engage him in something that will catch his attention. Call him and tell him that you can't go 5 days without making love to him, so he better come see you (or something like that).

Thanks Jim!I thought I was a strong person,but man this is so hard!And yes,his dad and several of his friends are in his ear all the time!Kinda funny though cuz during my A he stood up for me and now he is not!Why when I was doing wrong did he stand up for me and take me back,but now that I am doing nothing wrong and fighting for him,he won't?

So my H was suppost to bring me my mail last night to work and I was so looking forward to seeing him,if only for a minute!He never showed or even called!I am getting so frustrated!I feel like I am trying so hard to rebuild our M and he could care less!He hasn't seen me or called me in over a week!I just wish he would let me know what he is thinking instead of avoiding me!I sent him a txt this morning letting him know I was thinking about him and I missed his hansome face and the feel of his lips against mine and to have a good day!No response!I am working on myself and this is getting easier for me!Without help I probably would have given up allready,but I just keep remembering that he waited a year for me and he is where he is because of me!I just wish he would talk to me!Ultimately what woke me up was the fear that I was truly losing him!Maybe that's what it will take for him,cuz he knows I'm here now and seems to care less!I know the situations different,but sometimes it feels like a game!

Hang tight. Keep doing what you are doing. Stop expecting overnight miracles! He may be up to something...he may not. You cant do a thing about that!

Just keep offering your love and work on you. God has him and is dealing with him.

So Mortarman,do I have a right to snoop around to see if he is up to something?He has told me he is not like me and would never cheat on me,so if he is involved with someone else I don't know what I will do!I am trying to trust his word,but I know how distant I was when I was involved in my A,and he hasn't called me to hang out,or should I say have sex in over a week!If there is someone else I believe I have a right to know!I am still his wife!

Odds are about 90% there IS someone else. I think you already know that, but want to deny it to yourself.
I also believe that having sex with him while he is treating you like garbage is counterproductive and is working against you.

Go back and find the thread of "Jen Brown". This went on and on and on and on. She was getting the same advice you are for quite a while. She went through this very thing. She had the affair and he kept calling her for sex and she would comply. I believe this went on for almost TWO years. She ended up finding out that he had been seeing a string of women all along WHILE he was having her at his beck and call. I still don't believe she has fully recovered. They have gone their separate ways. He never came back to her. I believe if she would have handled it differently she could have saved it. She felt used, but kept going back for more because of her guilt. Please don't fall into the "guilt" trap.

Dr.James Dobson says: "Respect, the CRITICAL ingredient in human affairs is generated by quiet dignity, self confidence and common courtesy." I don't see how you can gain back his respect unless you add the ingredient of dignity. I sense your dignity is being tampered with here by his treatment of you. Just because you had an affair doesn't mean you give up your dignity and self respect to be available at his every whim. THAT isn't meeting emotional needs. That's being silly at the cost of dignity.

Chasing and pursuing doesn't work. I have yet to see it work on this site. I am still waiting.

I would STRONGLY reconsider your game plan here.

Odds are about 90% there IS someone else. I think you already know that, but want to deny it to yourself.
I also believe that having sex with him while he is treating you like garbage is counterproductive and is working against you.

Go back and find the thread of "Jen Brown". This went on and on and on and on. She was getting the same advice you are for quite a while. She went through this very thing. She had the affair and he kept calling her for sex and she would comply. I believe this went on for almost TWO years. She ended up finding out that he had been seeing a string of women all along WHILE he was having her at his beck and call. I still don't believe she has fully recovered. They have gone their separate ways. He never came back to her. I believe if she would have handled it differently she could have saved it. She felt used, but kept going back for more because of her guilt. Please don't fall into the "guilt" trap.

Dr.James Dobson says: "Respect, the CRITICAL ingredient in human affairs is generated by quiet dignity, self confidence and common courtesy." I don't see how you can gain back his respect unless you add the ingredient of dignity. I sense your dignity is being tampered with here by his treatment of you. Just because you had an affair doesn't mean you give up your dignity and self respect to be available at his every whim. THAT isn't meeting emotional needs. That's being silly at the cost of dignity.

Chasing and pursuing doesn't work. I have yet to see it work on this site. I am still waiting.

I would STRONGLY reconsider your game plan here.