H & I did phone counseling with Steve. My call was to Dr. Bill Harley & Joyce on their radio show yesterday. There is info on the MB site. Just give a brief synopsis of your sitch and they'll take it from there. I used my middle name, but off-air gave my full name. Check my thread for what his advice was. Let me know what they say!

Was just on air and they told me that they think he is in the fog and to keep letting him know that I am here and understand where he is and be patient and have faith that he will emerge from the fog like i did!Give him at least a year to get through it as he gave me a year!

Good job.

Now, take that advice and stretch that patience muscle of yours.

And, yes, I think "understanding" is the tool you need most when talking/dealing w/ your WH.

I think you ought to do as was suggested earlier...text him causual messages. "Thinking of you today." " Funny thing happened today..." Don't put any pressure on him. No demands.

No R talk. Just let him know you are still there. Still thinking of him.

Don't look for a response...just keep patiently reaching out.

If he didn't want your TM, he would block them.

Keep sending them.

And keep working on yourself.

Make good choices.

~ Marsh

Just wanted to respond to this...

He's not cake eating.

You WANT him to begin to eat your cake again.

That's why you must keep reaching out to him.

Not w/ demands or pressure.

But, w/ kindness, understanding, and patience.

~ Marsh

JK.. now that you have gotten the same advice from the Harley's... if you would like any further input from me... or I am sure the other vets that posted to you on this thread, please just ask.

LOL MEDC!

Is that your final post on this thread?

Are you ever wrong? Even a tiny bit?

Seems to me Harley's advice was different than yours. They seemed to tell her to keep reaching out to him.

Oh and my questions were rhetorical...no need to reply.

~ Marsh

I agree with MM...sounded to me like they were saying to 'plan A' him.

Isn't that what I said? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I believe it is.

~ Marsh

Um... no... that's not what she said...what she said was she was told to be patient... I didn't see anything there about exposure... did you Marsh? I guess you can read between the lines that I can't see. The advice she stated was the same as ML, BK and others gave her... wotk on herself and be patient...in fact I told her that she needs to be patient for a year. Where does that conflict???

So, Marsh, I guess the question that begs to be answered then... is are you ever right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

These are all posts from this thread... note the facts if you can read. Also note an apology from me when I saw that I was wrong about something... I love you people that run at the mouth with NO facts to back up your statements.








MEDC,How long do I wait with him making no effort before I start mooving forward with my life?Or do I just sit back and wait for him to pursue a D?Also how do I listen to him when,as Mortarman says,he is not talking!Did that mean just to give him his space and let him come to me?When he is ready to talk he will!It has been a month since we have any conversation besides about bills and him bringing me mail!







MEDC








MEDC

Why is this turning into legal proceedings???

JKS, has gotten advice from the Harley's. She knows what they said and how they said it. It is her call what she does with it. Further, she has gotten many pages of advice now. There seems to be little reason to beat her up any more than she has been, further she is the one that has to face the results of her actions and choices.

All of us would like to see her marriage be rebuilt. Will it? Is her H truly done after a year of trying? Is she truly done now? Who knows! I doubt that she knows or her H knows, but her H has a better idea of what he wants, what he can tolerate, and what he has tolerated, than any of us.

It seems to me if JKS, wants advice on strategy for attempting to rebuild her marriage, it should be forthcoming with ALL of the tools not just a few of them because she was the WS.

Folks it is her call, so let's not debate who said what. She is a big girl, she will decide what she will accept as advice and what she won't.

JKS, you need to think about your plan, then people can help you.

God Bless,

JL

Agree 100%.

She may find those tools a little less effective than another BS who wasn't a WS, but the tools are still available to her.



Where did I mention exposure in my post to you, MEDC?



You told her to quit contacting him.



Thanks for pointing me to that post of apology, MEDC.

Missed it.

Happy to be shown to be wrong about you.

And my apologies to you.

~ Marsh

And my apologies to you... and I didn't want her to stop contacting him altogether.. I just wanted her to be more patient... let him know how she felt and what she wanted and to be still and listen for his reply.

The reason I brought up exposure is that I thought it was part of Plan A. I did advise her to do the other things that Plan A would entail... but to just keep the "stick" out of it.

Be well,

MEDC

Excuse my acute interest in this thread but it is very similar to my own sitch.

Now I am a little confused.

Isn't Part A a recovery tool???

That is, you only run with Plan A after the affair is ended?

While the affair is ongoing, you should be engaged in Plan E (End the Affair by any means necessary)

That is, lovebusting your way through snooping, exposing, getting the kids, not accepting wayward behavior in the marital home, not supporting the affair financially, etc...

Can you do Plan A while an affair is still in progress?

ophel,

No, plan A is to be used during the affair or to reconnect. It helps plant the seeds with the WS that the BS will do their best to improve the marriage, is willing to accept the WS back, and is a path back. Part of plan A is exposure which is designed to start the deterioration of the affair. More often than not plan A does not end the affair, and since it requires the BS to put their needs on hold, it can only be sustained for a limited amount of time (depending on the individual), then the taker will take hold and like the marriage will end.

Hence when the BS starts to see their love bank getting low, they move to plan B, which is about preserving the love the BS has for the WS. There is still a draw down in the love bank, but the rate is slower because plan B removes the BS from the day to day drama of the affair.

You must realize that most affairs end. The only questions are will the BS have enough love left to attempt recovery? Has the marriage already ended in divorce.

This is the short synopsis of plan a, and plan b.

JL

fair enough.

Thanks for clearing that up.

I think a lot of clarity is also required around Plan A and cake eating / not being a door mat.

It is easy to become a door mat while trying to follow Plan A.

ok guys!I have taken pieces from all of your advice and think the best thing for me to do is be patient but get on with my life as well!Although I must admit all the differences in advice has my head spinning!And the last thing I want to do is for my situation to cause arguements!Believe me I have enough drama in my life as it is!Everyone is entitled to their own opinion!
I will go to the house and get a few things but leave the rest there unless he wants a D!H came in today to bring mail and told me he was going to bring my motorcycle to me on Sat and when I asked why he said he needed more room in the garage!I told him no big deal I will get it tomorrow and was very friendly,as was he!So he wants me to get my quad,but nothing else!I am so confused!Who is he?

There are two ways to fail.

1) Take nobody's advice.

2) Take everbody's advice.

lol

Trying my best to stick to the marriagebuilders process and prayer. It is easy to be influenced by lots of well intentioned people that will send you down the wrong road.

Pick your poison.

lol @ who is he. Fog personified.

K guys!Went to pick up my quad yesterday at the house and H showed up!Not sure why he showed up cuz he was working,but he helped me load my quad into the truck!He didn't say much and barely looked at me,so when I was ready to go I questioned his extreme distance with me lately!He just said he didn't know and he didn't hate me but didn't love me right now!I asked him why he was not getting a D then!He said as of right now he is enjoying being alone,and didn't have anybody in his life and didn't want anybody,but would tell me if he did!Also said that after last year he needed a break and didn't realize that he would enjoy being alone so much!He said if we stayed M then I could keep insurance,and I told him if that's why he was staying M to please get a D cuz it was only giving me alse hope!Then he said that just cuz we were separatd din't mean we wouldn't get back together,but right now he didn't think we would,but things change and that's just where he is right now!I asked him if I should move on and he said I will tell you what you told me,do what is best for you,but I waited for you for a year!He has reminded me that he waited for me a year several times!Do you think he thinks that means something?
Every time I go to my house I lose it!I miss my life so much!I am truly struggling to hang on right now!He is so confusing!I asked him about the OW and he said he rarely talks to her and they are just friends and nothing will happen with her!I still believe he is at least talking to someone!He acts like I used to during my A,but worse!He is nowhere to be found on weekends!He is not even hanging out with his best buddies!So what is he doing?And why is his cell phone bill through the roof!And if he is,why does he keep lying to my face?I was completely honest with him when asked!Sorry i keep writing the same stuff,just more and more confused everyday and don't know what to do!

You say he is confusing and yet I found his responses very clear. He justs needs time and space to figure out what he wants to do. Bridge the distance with a call asking him out on a date. But patience as the Harley's suggested is in order. It is also possible he is testing you right now. I would not have appredciated the "should I move on" question if I were him. You OWE him patience at this point... remember what you put him through and give him at least as much time as you gave to the OM.
Many of the things he said should have been encouraging to you. Read your post again.... he has not given up completely yet. He may... but he has left the door open to return home. AND YOU SHOULD NEVER BRING UP DIVORCE. YOU WANT HIM TO FEEL SAFE AND LOVED... STOP THINKING OR TALKING DIVORCE UNLESS HE HEADS IN THAT DIRECTION.

MEDC