JK-

One good thing about this - if you can find anything - is that if he comes around, your marriage can be something truly, truly special. You are truly experiencing a level of loss and hurt that will make you appreciate your marriage in a way you probably never could have appreciated had you started in recovery without him leaving. I know that is not very comforting right now. But I think that it is something worth waiting for and hoping for with all the strength you can possibly muster. I think he left the door open with what he said today. There is hope!!!

Take care...

Thanks MEDC,I also left him a letter at the house just letting him know truly sorry i am for all that's happened and how I understand his distance and anger but reaffirmed my love and committment to him as well as faith that our M could endure anything after all that we had been through and that I believed God created him as my other half and no one could ever fill his shoes no matter what happened between us!I told him that there was nothing i wouldn't give to be his W again,and would fight everyday for that until he tells me to stop!I am hoping that these letters will help to fill that love bank that I have so selfishly depleted!

jks,

You say the most contradictory things sometimes.

You stated and asked
The question really is "Do YOU think him waiting for a year meant anything?" He is telling you on several levels that he waited a year, and he hurt for a year, and the effort depleted him completely. He does not know if he will be restored, much his love for you. I don't think you realize how damaging dealing with an affair can be especially when you know about it and you do it for a year.

You post here worried about OW or suspected OW. You post that you NEED answers. You post how much you miss him?

Yet...you don't appreciate what he went through, how he cannot turn to you to help him, and he could not turn to you when he hurt so much. jks, you didn't just deplete his love bank, you damaged his self-image, his confidence, his faith in himself and you. It takes time to heal from these things, and sadly you really cannot heal him.

Yes, you could support him during his healing IF he would let you, but he cannot trust you, and he fears more of the same thing that has already happened.

You want answers but when you get them you don't listen to them. He gave you alot of information in your last talk. Some of it can be viewed as positive and other parts perhaps negative. But, he has not filed for divorce and he has stated that he does NOT know what he wants or needs to do.

It seems to me you need to be calm, resolved, and loving when you can. You also need to be at the "top of your game", and that means well prepared and less fearful, and more understanding of his point of view.

I think the letters are a good thing. I wonder though if you could write a letter asking about him, not how he feels about you, or if he loves you, or if he is going to stay married to you, but simply about him. How he doing in his life, what he thinks about himself and things, just general questions that you care what happens to HIM, not just him as it relates to you.

You need to ultimately become his friend, before you can really become his W. And this takes time and patience on your part. It takes growth and empathy on your part. It takes calmness, and GRACE on your part. jks, if you do nothing else become a woman of GRACE.

Please think about these things.

God Bless,

JL

Jl,I guess i stated that wrong about him saying he waited for a year!I meant to ask if there is significance in the fact that he keeps saying that and if he is testing me to see if I will wait that long?Anyway,you're right about understanding what he went through!I know will never completely understand but wish he would express it to me so we could begin to heal!I know I devastated his world,and expressed my sorrow and apologies for that it my letter!And why is it that you feel I am not listening to his answers?I am not doing anything but sitting here waiting patiently for him!I may express my frustration here,but I am not giving up!I have told him that I understand what he is going through and know we belong together and will not give up!And I am giving him his space!We barely ever talk!What do you mean by being less fearful and a woman of grace?This may sound stupid,but how do I do that?

jks,

Let me ask you something what images does the word GRACE bring to your mind?

I'll tell you what it brings to my mind.

I see flowing movement of mind and body.

I see smiles due to knowledge and understanding.

I see understanding of those that fail.

I see a kind word at the right time.

I see manners, but manners with kindness, meant to put people at ease.

I see competence and yes even confidence in ones goals.

I see understanding ones own failings and those of others.

I see forgiveness.

I see many things too sublime for me to express.

But, jks, I see a woman that is loving, kind, confident, and smiling.

I doubt there is a man on this planet that could resist such a woman, IF she decided she wanted him.

You may not be perfect, as I am certainly not, but you can become a woman that possess grace of mind and spirit. And if you do I think your H will see it as well. Will it bring him back, I cannot say. Will it give you the best chance, of that I am certain. Will it make your next relationship better and more rewarding? You bet.

You fear you are going to lose your H, and you might. But, what I fear for you is that you won't grow, learn, and develop a perspective about yourself and life that allows you to be a woman of grace. If you decide to realize that your marriage has been destroyed, then you have less to fear. If you come to realize that your marriage can be rebuilt, then you have much to work on and hope for. If you come to realize that you have failed terribly, but you can learn and grow from it, then it will NOT remain a failure.

Do you think your H wants to be married to a woman that runs around saying "I'm sorry." ? No, he wants a partner, yes you should apologize, but you should also realize that HE NEEDS A W, he needs a woman that he can trust and lean on when things are tough. He needs you strong, focused, and in love with him, but more than anything is you as a woman of grace.

Now think about that word. Is it someone that knows when to express displeasure but in a way that conveys hope, is it someone that can express gratitude? Is it someone, that cause others to laugh? Is it someone that could trusted and leaned on when things are bad? Is it someone that is enjoyable to be around and talk to? Is it someone that makes others feel better for knowing her?

jks, you need to think about this and decide if you can define it and live it.

Finally, when I say you are not listening to your H, it would seem from the questions you ask, that you don't see what he is telling you. If he had given up you have heard from an attorney. If he hated you, you would have heard that, but you don't do you? If he could figure out how to accept you and still respect himself, don't you think this would be easier on him? If he felt that you respected him, and that others respected you, don't you think this would be easier on him? jks, he has told you these things and more.

He is struggling right now. He has love for you of that there is no doubt. Perhaps not as strong as a year or so ago, but it is there. He is also struggling with himself BIG TIME. That is what he told you the last time you two spoke. How can you help him? You can be strong. You can act with grace around people that know him and know you, and that includes his family. People who know or will learn that you do have deep remorse and deep love for him. People you can show the grace he will need to see as well.

You see before this is all over, your H will need validation that coming back to you is something you can respect, he can respect, his friends can respect, and his family can respect. Do you think that is the case right now? If not, then what is your plan to regain or achieve the respect of these people?

Now do you see where GRACE comes into the picture?

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks so much JL!That is some of the best advice i have gotten so far,and I understand what you mean,and will make it my goal to be that woman!I am going to print out your post and read it daily to keep myself focused!And thanks for your advice as well MEDC,without all your help and advice I can assure you,I would have allready given up!I truly have faith in God,and know he puts things and people in our lives for a reason!You have all given me hope and strength to continue to fight this battle!

I think reaching that place where you care more about God and yourself rather than the spouse is magical.

The emotional turmoil is gone and you can see clearly now.

It is like you're in a fog. A different fog but a fog all the same.

I'm out of that right now and like "Just Learning" said, you feel as though you are walking with grace.

God and you can take on anything and come out on top.

Nevermind your spouse. Their loss.

It is a change of attitude that isn't fake. It is real. You begin to feel it coursing through your veins. Amazing.

Real confidence.

Look out world. (Your spouse will notice but by then, it may be too late for them, lol)

Just got back from a weekend of motorcycle riding with my friends and had a great time!Although things are never the same without my H!I have really been focusing on myself and trying to make new friends and rekindle old friendships,and also working on reading some of the books i have received from the Harleys!I sent my H a txt message before I left this weekend letting him know i was thinking about him and hoping all was well and that he had a good weekend!He wished me a good weekend as well!That is about all the contact I have had with him over the last few weeks and it sux!I really want to ask him to do something with me but the last time we talked he said he wasn't calling me or spending time with me cuz he didn't wan't me to get my hopes up!It's really hard to be patient and strong when nothing ever changes!

jks - Just wanted you to know that I'm still following your thread and keeping you in my prayers.

jk,

I'm a BS. I want to post a long thread a little later but I want to share my thoughts with you.

It has been one year since my D which happened only one month after I found out my W cheated on me and I gave her a no contest D.

I'm very likely in the same place as your H, emotionally, and would very likely respond in the exact same way as he is responding to you if my ex suddenly came around and did as you are doing.

I'll summarize quickly, but it boils down to this: Why should he take you back? What do you possibly have to offer after what you did?

Did you ever trivialize his pain?

I can tell you this much: you cannot say I'm sorry enough. He will never tire of hearing you say it.

I can also tell you that if you really want him to come back, then you need to make him feel safe.

If my ex came around now and started making demands and demanding attention, I would likely pull back just as your H is doing.

You look like the wife he loved dearly, but you aren't the same woman.

It has taken him a very long time to get to the point where he is in an emotionally safe place. His heart is hard right now and it will be that way for a looooooong time. You need to plan A him as you would a wayward.

He was probably at a point where he had given up hope and truly started moving on when you suddenly came around and threw him for a loop.

Mortarman and others here can attest to how difficult it is to finally get to where you're moving on and suddenly have your W show up wanting to become a FWW.

Do you have kids with this man?

If you have no kids with him, I can tell you that the motivation to take you back is thin. What possible motivation does he have without kids?

You're a woman and there are millions of others out there. A fresh start with another one is a lot more appealing than going back to one that raped your soul and emasculated you.

Just some things to chew on.

One final favor. I enjoy reading your thread since it helps me understand a WS trying to mend things. Please use ! a little less. It makes your posts difficult to read. I picture you hopping up and down and shouting as you write these things! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I do hope you can mend things because I do believe that an affair can serve to forge a marriage of steel if it emerges from the ashes and devastation, but it's something most of us would rather not go through.

Take care

"I do believe that an affair can serve to forge a marriage of steel if it emerges from the ashes and devastation"

Sounds like words from Dr. Harvey himself.

Great post.

Hi JKS

I’m still keeping up to date on you and just wanted to perhaps give you some insight, some experiences from my own struggles.

My own counselor told me straight I had ‘killed’ my old marriage. It was gone, mourn for it if you have to but its gone, D E A D! My God how I fought that. But she was right I just did not want to see it.
So she told me now you need to rebuild a relationship and create a new marriage, if you have the guts, and the determination, and most of all the love. Ok I had the love, but I wasn’t sure about the rest.
I really did not think I deserved a chance, oh I wanted one, but didn’t expect one. I could cry and scream and moan and hate all the world, but it wasn’t up to me. It was up to my husband.

MB helped me in allowing me to vent, cry and express fears, still does for that matter. I also got good solid advice as well as 4x2’s and even you deserve it you B!! at times. Yeah maybe I did too. You know it was funny, the worst posts telling me I was getting what I gave actually helped me realise how much I hurt my husband and family. I thought this is how my H must be feeling in some measure at least. I deliberately though did not take those posts on a personal level, hard as that was. But I did use them to spur me on with working on myself. You know I think I got stubborn about it, I was GOING to prove I was not that cow any more who had hurt her H so badly.

JKS I feel you know intellectually what you have done to your H, but perhaps it does hit you yet right in the guts what’s that like. You begin to feel some of it as your H lives his life away from you, however your own pain and sense of loss from that is masking his pain from you right now. You will get it BUT you must work on accepting his choices right now.

JL has given you some great advice, I would suggest you follow it. Its very insightful into what a BS, from a mans view, is feeling and wants to see from a wife, from any woman he may consider a permanent interest in.

I do think as JL points out that it is very telling that he has not divorced you yet. It at the very least gives you some time to demonstrate to your H what you have learnt, what you are prepared to do, what you ARE doing, to ensure you will NEVER hurt him again. Now that said, what are you doing to do that?
Are you going to counseling?
Have you spoken to one of the Harley’s?
Have you a plan?

It will go a long way if your H knows what you are doing. That could go into a letter in a week or so.

Maybe you should ask the Harley’s to help you work out a plan ????

MD,I try to empathize with the pain he experienced but don't believe I could really truly understand it without feeling it.The only gauge I have is my pain and trying to imagine it a million times worse,and to me that is unbearable,so I guess in a way I can kinda understand and don't fault him for where he is.Truthfully I probably would have given up,but he is an amazing man and that's why i have not given up.If he can get through that Ican get through this.
why should he take me back?Cuz we have been together for ten years and I love him more than life itself and am trying to better myself so that I can be the best wife I can be!I am being patient and fighting with everything I have even though I know that it would be much easier to quit and move on!I know that there is nobody better for me out there and even though there are a million men out there as there is women for him,there is only one person that perfectly fits and I hope that he realizes that as I did.I did make some very poor choices but ultimately I know I am a good person and will do everything I can to show him that.
And how am I demanding attention?I go for weeks without talking to him unless I send a text or call.And no we don't have kids.And thanks for your insight!It's nice to see where he is coming from as I get so wrapped up in my pain sometimes I forget what he has been through!And as much as I would rather not endure the pain of recovering this M,I believe my H is the only person who could complete me and I would do anything to be his W again!You truly don't know what you got til it's gone and if I ever get him back I will never let him go,no matter what!

Hi AW.Yes I have been seeing two counselors for almost four months now!I have spoken to the Harleys and they have said that he is hurt and angry and to work on myself but to keep letting him know I love him and am here which I am trying to do without going to far.And yes it gives me hope that he has not D me yet!I don't know what else to do to ensure him that I won't hurt him again other than letting him know how much I am working on myself and know where I went wrong and reassuring him that it will never happen again!I also think that the fact I am still here fighting for him should tell him a lot.As MD said it would be so much easier to move on,and we both could,but just as he hasn't gone forward with the D,I haven't given up and started dating!I recommitted to my M and unless he gets a D,I can't let anyone in.And my H knows everything I am doing to better myself and says he is happy for me and realizes that I will probably never do what I have done again and will be better for it no matter what happens.

JK,

I would be seriously skeptical if my ex came back. I would question her motives and intentions. The greatest question in my mind would be “would she do this again?”

You see, he was probably content in the M before your A. He probably had no clue you were so unhappy. We have that problem, as men, in reading women the way we would read ourselves. Thinking, “if she’s not complaining, then everything must be ok.”

We get complacent. A wife could be on the sideline, starving for attention, and the husband could be thinking, “I’m the breadwinner. I treat her well. Give her a nice home. I play well with the kids. What more could anyone ask for?” Meanwhile, you’re starving for attention. You’re starving to know he still loves you and thinks the world of you. He thinks that by working hard and giving you those things he’s doing exactly that.

So someone else comes along and enjoys talking to you and you enjoy talking to him. The attention he gives is like water quenching your thirst. At first it’s innocent. A casual chat at the water cooler or a quick talk as he walks you to your car. What’s the harm in that? Well, then comes an offer to go sit and have a coffee. What’s wrong with that? You’re in a public place, nothing will happen there.

It continues this way for a while. After many of these little encounters and interactions, you find yourself looking forward to seeing him. You start finding him attractive, if you haven’t already. He’s giving you attention that your H can’t give or doesn’t know he should give. You try to tell your H. You say, “hey, lets go out this Saturday night.” He might say, “I’m too tired. Lets just rent a movie.” Or “The guys at work are getting together for a quick beer” or “No, I really need to work on this project or I have to go in and work tonight.”

Meanwhile, this OM has all the time in the world to give you the attention you crave. He works where you work and is able to give you flirtatious looks between working with clients. He can take a few minutes to stop by and chat before he has to go to the next task or before you do. He has an advantage your H doesn’t, which is constant contact and proximity. Your little exchanges get exciting. They start crossing the line from friendly flirting to flirting with more sexual tones.

He’s exciting. He’s attentive. He’s in shape. He’s everything your H isn’t.

Your H feels he’s doing his duty as an H and being responsible by working hard and providing for you. He doesn’t get your hints that you’re starving for attention. You feel you couldn’t make it any clearer, but he just isn’t getting it. You suffer in silence, not letting him know and not understanding why he just doesn’t see how unhappy you are.

Perhaps the sexual energy you’re building with OM gets transferred to your H. Your H thinks that you have a great sex life, but in reality you’re thinking of OM in your head.

Or maybe you don’t transfer that energy to your H. Your H thinks you are just not in the mood most of the time and doesn’t want to be pushy. Your sex life dies.

So you’re starving for attention and you’re now sexually frustrated, but have a willing partner you are finding attractive.

Then one day the bomb drops on your husband. Nothing is as it seemed. He starts discovering lie after lie, each one tearing up his image of you.

I won’t speculate how he felt, so I’ll tell you how I did. I never in a million years thought my W would be unfaithful. I was crushed by the stream of lies I discovered. She had a website she used to flirt with men. She used this site to meet several of them.

She told me later that the one that got physical was “saying the right words at the wrong time” and she fell for those words and caved and made her “mistake”.

Inside I was crushed. The one thing which was precious and exclusive to me was now shared with someone else. The stream of lies crushed my image of my w.

I spent the next several months thinking about the past. Thinking about what I could have done better. I punished myself. I lashed out in anger at her one minute, then I would be crying and wanting her back the next. I was starving to see just hint of warmth in her eyes towards me. The warmth that was there when things were ok. I wanted to feel that she was happy to hug me and give me affection. I was starving for it.

So I had to spend the next year trying to move on. I went through all the stages. At first I was devastated, crushed. Not functioning in any capacity and hoping she would change her feelings. At the same time I was demanding to know details. I wanted to know how far my exclusive territory had been violated. She was the only woman I had been with for 7 years and I wanted no other. Now someone had trespassed on this exclusivity I held dear.

I got past the violation of our exclusivity. But time turned my grief into anger. My anger was magnified by being alienated from my kids. Nothing hurt me more than not having them in my life every day.

The anger has subsided and I now want peace with my ex. I still would like to hear remorse. I still wrestle with the feelings of rejection. She magnified these feelings by one day telling me everything she felt was wrong with me. I acted older than my age. I didn’t do exciting things like go dancing and clubbing. I gained weight and wasn’t physically attractive anymore (I have a beer belly, but would call myself obese), I wanted her to be something she wasn’t. A “Betty Crocker Little Military Wife” that only hung out with other military wives.

Each one of these words were a stab I felt inside. It was a reminder of how inadequate I was. Did you use such words?

This rejection is magnified by the fact that she’s dating a man younger than her, who I’m sure is everything I wasn’t and am not in her eyes. He’s fun, I’m boring. He likes to do exciting things. I’d rather stay home with the kids and do family activities. He’s young and fit. I’m in my mid 30s and have had age, fatherhood, marriage, and war take their toll on my physical condition, growing a spare tire.

I felt very low for a long time and am just now consciously making an effort to make myself desirable again. I’ve started working out, I’m emotionally detaching from my ex. I recognize that it is still to painful to talk to her about anything other than the kids. I spent an entire night crying when I learned the details of her new boyfriend. It was like being rejected all over again.

It takes a lot of time and effort to move past these things and get to a place where you’re content, confident, and start to feel joy again.

Your H was probably working through the rejection and feelings of inadequacy when you came back around, wanting him to come back.

You see, my ex could tell till she was blue in the face that she wouldn’t hurt me again, and I wouldn’t believe it for a long time. I would want to play it safe and be cautious about opening myself up to her again. I would want to see her destroy the things that hurt me such as the contact with the other men, the deletion of her web page. And then I would want to see actions on her part, inviting me over to help put the kids to bed and staying for a little while afterwards to chat. I would want her to give me attention and let me feel safe and really see the sincerity and changes. I would want to know that she appreciates me for who I am and not who she wants me to be.

But this would take a very long time. I was committed to doing everything I could to fix the things that made her unhappy, but it didn’t matter to her back then and it will probably never matter to her. Your H was probably once that desperate himself.

He’s moved on and probably never imagined you would return.

You want to move a million miles an hour and have him forget the pain you caused him because “you’ve changed!”

He needs to see that change. He needs to feel you are safe.

Little messages every day that say “Thinking of you”, “hope you have a nice day”, “I think you’re a cutie”. Those things go a long way towards chipping away at the stone in his heart. But it took a lot of effort for him to put up those barriers and he’s hunkered down behind those walls waiting for you to change your mind and try to hurt him again. Why would he emerge if fear is the one thing that is keeping him in a preservation mode?

You need to be patient and gentle and coax him out of his shell very slowly. He may or may not emerge, but it will take him a long time.

I hope this gives you some food for thought and I hope I didn’t overstate how the affair built up and happened. I can imagine it was something like I described.

One thing that did stand out in your post: He’s the only one for me. We are perfect for each other and no one else could make me happy, etc. etc. The idea that someone can make you happy is ill conceived.

These are misguided romantic notions. These are the ideas of love created in fantasy and in movies. They aren’t real and are illusions. Real love goes beyond the high of chemicals.

I’m sure you could find someone else down the line and so could he. It obviously happened while you were married. The idea of only one person being able to make you happy is wrong.

You should work on being happy without anyone in your life. A relationship or a marriage should enhance the happiness you already have inside and not be the sole source of your happiness. All men will disappoint you if this is your expectation.

Same goes with the “feelings” of love. Those feelings come and go. To love is to choose to stay and rebuild those feelings if they are gone, not seek them elsewhere. That takes work and work isn’t fun. But work has its own rewards and true love can emerge from the hard work, if you both do your best to meet each others ENs.

I have learned a lot from this site and have learned a great deal on what I need to do in my next marriage. I hope you can too.

Thanx so much for all your insight MD.And you hit the nail on the head about how the A built up!The only difference is I did express my dissatisfaction,but he didn't listen!Also,I never said anything mean to him about his physical appearance,only his actions in our M!And I did tell him that I thought I was in love with OM which was a huge mistake because I know it was "fog" talk,but he dosen't know that and has made comments about how we have different ideas of love and he could never do what i've done to someone he loves.And my H did try and do everything I wanted him to do once he found out,and it was amazing,but in some ways felt fake cuz he never did it before.
I have cut all contact with OM for over four months now and have been single and working on myself and my H knows that!I know it will take a lot of work to break down his wall,but I would rather put that effort into him than anyone else cuz I have so much love for him.And you are right about being happy with yourself and not needing anyone else to be happy,and that's something I am working on.Just hard cuz he was a big part of me for ten years.

This is a very important question:

Is there any major traumatic event from your past or your childhood which affects your decision making or your perceptions of marriage, love, or interactions with men?

You may feel you told your H, but did you ever sit him down, made sure he you had his full, 100% attention, and tell him, "I'm very unhappy with this marriage and it is wearing on me to the point where I am seriously considering leaving you and I find myself attracted to someone else. There are some things you need to do that you aren't doing."

That is telling him. Not hinting. Not sentences sprinkled here and there. Not something you blurt out in the middle of a heated argument, which he could dismiss as being hormones or anger or emotions.

A thoughtful, straight up statement. Not right after coming home from work. Not after he's told you he's had a bad day.

I really believe that more women would get their husbands to see their pain if they took this approach.

And no, his efforts weren't fake. Your affair was the wakeup call he needed. I was woken up to the seriousness of my situation and I wanted to make changes as well. They weren't fake gestures, but very real, very heartfelt.

Go rent the movie "The Weather Man". It's a great insight into the pain of a man still in love with the woman that left him.

I've played the "If only I had done x, y, or z, I'd still be married."

I'm sure he has too, just as you are now.

You're going to have to be patient and coax him out of his shell. He obviously still loves you and a part of him always will.

I still love and care for my ex, despite all she's done. It isn't he same as it was a year ago or the same type of love I had when we were married, but I very much love the wife I had and wish I had never lost.

My mother once told me that where there was once a fire, embers remain. His love for you is an ember. It must be restoked slowly or you will burn it out, but from a small ember can grow a huge fire.

His neglect of your ENs over the years wore you down and took its toll over time. Now you must be patient and try to gently blow on the ember to stoke it.

It will be slow and he will be guarded and doubt you for a while.

Follow what people tell you here and make sure you show actions.

Remember that Plan A calls for showing unconditional love and expecting nothing in return.

DONT expect him to call you or seek you out. If he does, great, if he doesn't, it's what you expected.

Seek him out and reassure him constantly. You'll crack through the shell eventually.

Please make sure you answer my first question. This is an anonymous forum and you are safe to reveal things here.

There are two things that come to my mind in regards to your question!One is that my mom left my father when I was very young as he cheated on her,and she raised us alone for a long period of time until she married my stepfater,whom she cheated on and D.I refer to my stepfather as my dad as my real father is a loser and has never been involved in my life!Second would be the fact that i was molested by a friend of my moms when I was pretty young.I don't really remember it much,but remember being questioned by the cops about it.
And you're right about telling my H about my issues with our M,I did tell him several times but not in the manner you suggested.Although I did write him a letter,but at that point I believe I was allready entering the fog.
And I am doing my best to coax him out of his shell.I keep sending him subtle txt messages about how I am thinking about him and wondering how he is doing.Sometimes I get a response,and generally it is straight to the point and no feelings are involved.Do you have any other suggestions of things I can do to let him know I care.I thought about buying him some personal things I know he needs like his favorite shampoo and face wash that I turned him on to,cuz only I know about them and I know he is out cuz I used to buy them for him.What do you think?

Two big things you absolutely must do:

1. Do research on how your childhood sexual abuse has impacted your perceptions of love, marriage, the opposite sex, relationships, and sex. A google search for "Long term effects of childhood sexual abuse on women" will turn up a lot for your to look into.

You must explore this. On your own or with a counselor, but this has probably been one of the greatest contributors to your way of thinking.

Do you have anxiety disorders?

Are you hyper sexual or the opposite?

Do you panic easily in unfamiliar environments?

Have you had a lot of turbulent relationships?

You see, your H had the deck stacked against him from the start if you have left this untreated.

2. Does your H know about this? He has to know if you haven't told him. This may make a lot of things make sense to him.

Please, please, please look into this.

Do you have a private e-mail?

I also meant to tell you that I had already guessed from your posts that you had some sort of abuse as a child.

Please be aware that there are some things that are very evident from your posts and that these are things you really need to explore.

You absolutely must inform your H about this in order for him to understand what kinds of things from your past have had an impact on your thinking. This is very, very big.

Good luck.