sorry... but right now is not the time to tell her H this. IF he comes back to her she can give him this information... but it is in no way a reason for her to have had an affair and she should not bring that up until well into any possible recovery ... lest it be seen as her making excuses for her actions.

Just wanted to say MEDC is correct. My father became an alcoholic. I did not, I chose not to go down that path. None of my brothers went down that path either.

I was abused most of my childhood and so were my brothers. Our mom was abusive and cheated and well she was nuts. She abandoned our family and she was one of the worst women that walked this earth. I went to a MC with my wife and the counselor asked about my childhood. When I told her she was stunned. She asked about my brothers and looked at my wife and she said it is amazing you turned out the way you did. I told her no it isn't I had no choice. I was going to be successful and happy and make something of myself.

She said no I did have a choice, I just made the choice I was not going to be a victim. My siblings are all great and doing well. She also said a lot of people become very angry. All of us are joksters who love laughing. When we were young there was only fear and abuse. It does not define us.

My point in this? You do not want to make excuses for your Affair. The worst thing you could do is say that this caused your affair. Because if that is true then there is nothing to stop you from doing it again. Think about that. If you do it again, it would be from the abuse right. I will tell anybody if someone uses the abuse excuse run for the hills.

People make choices. When you cheat you are choosing to do that. I can deal with an honest person but not one that does not take responsiblity for their actions.

I could have been a womanizing SOB in my marriage. I chose not too because that is not who I am. If people are abused then they should get help but it is just an excuse.

Some people had a great family life and they cheat like my Ex-Wife. I was abused and I did not cheat. It boils down to the choices that we make. Again, if the cheating was beyond your control then your H should run for the hills.

I could be wrong on what other people think. I just don't buy into the victim status for people that make poor decisions.

Show him you are a new woman. Don't use the abuse excuse. This in my opinion would tell him that your are beyond hope. If he comes back he may think you will do the same thing to him. Again, you are a new woman! JMHO.

Ah! but there are reasons and there are excuses.

The difference? If you find reasons you can address them, and it will help you in the future. If they are excuses, all that is done is talk about them.

Look at what MD is directing you towards learn from it, address it, and grow from it. In ways I view this sort of like babies.

They don't know much, ie their data base is small. However, that does not mean they are dumb and cannot figure out things. jks your data base is growing and as it does you WILL make better decisions in the future. Expand your data base by doing as MD is suggesting. then if you feel the need seek counseling.

God Bless,

JL

Exactly.... but anything she says to the BH here will come across as an excuse. She SHOULD learn why she has acted in such an abhorrent way...and work on herself...it may even be something she can bring up to him well into recovery... but NOT tell him this stuff now. It will be an excuse at this point...and really JL... anything that contributes to a person having an affair is really an excuse... a person has the ability to make the choice not to put their legs in the air. In fact, as with any criminal.... they know it is wrong, yet the costs are weighed against the perceived benefit.
A person can find reasons for being injured and susceptible to certain acts... but when they commit them and try and explain them away, excuses flow. MHO.

I don't bring this up as an excuse, but I do believe it is a significant event that has dramatically affected her thinking.

Look, the studies show that certain things are common in female victims of childhood sexual abuse. Not all of the victims will show these traits, but some things are more common than not. For example:

A need for constant attention from opposite sex to validate own sexuality.
Lack of confidence.
Anxiety disorders.
A greater amount of medical visits due to various "ailments".
Higher incidence of IBS.
Inability to trust easily.
Frequent, intense, and short, turbulent relationships.
A tendency to get out of relationships when they become truly intimate.
A higher incidence of divorce.

Look, an alcoholic cannot address their own problem until they recognize they have one. A victim of childhood sexual abuse cannot really understand and address the impact of that abuse until they are willing to confront it and come to terms with how that abuse impacted their thinking, their decision making, and the dynamics of their relationship.

It is a horribly painful issue to confront and explore, but understanding it's influence on a victim will help them overcome these impacts.

Understanding your own weaknesses helps you deal with and confront them and aviod them. No, her actions and those of any wayward are inexcusable, but they need to understand the road that led them there. Yes, the BS contributed their share, but some normal problems in a normal, healthy relationship, can be overblown by a person who has been a victim of abuse. They have no real gauge of what is a "normal" situation because they were the victims of a monster that cared nothing of destroying a child's innocense, trust in adults, and perceptions of the world.

This is perhaps something she can wait to tell her H when they are further into recovery, but it is something he should know. It will help him understand her better, even if he still has to get past what she did.

IHE, I applaud you for not being a victim. But I'm pretty sure that your abuse did have an impact on you in a different way. It's great that you didn't turn into an abuser or an alcoholic, but could it have affected your decisions in relationships?

These are just things to chew on. I am not saying they did or didn't, but they are things that need to be explored.

I have weaknesses of my own that I need to address. My decisions with women have led to disasterous relationships and a lot of heartbreak in my life.

Every woman I have ever been serious with has had some sort of major trauma in their lives. I have swooped in trying to be a white knight and have gotten burned every single time. I need to stop this. I have been with women with low self esteem, medical issues, depression, anxiety, and various other problems, some which only came to light much, much later.

Is it an ego thing? Do I feel I can't do better? I don't know. But I need to figure out what makes me attracted to women like this and stop it so that I can have a healthy relationship with someone that doesn't have problems that need solving or need to be addressed.

I'm encouraging JK to explore this so that she doesn't repeat the same mistakes in the future, if this did indeed have an impact on her thinking.

Look, a victim of childhood sexual abuse has had a major trauma in their lives at a point when their brain is still developing. There is strong evidence that this abuse even affects brain development.

A child's innocense has been horribly violated, along with thier ability to trust adults, their self image, their perceptions of the opposite sex, anxiety, fear, sexuality.

Don't take my word for it. Do the research. It is very surprising.

I'm also talking specifically about JK and her situation and I'm not talking about anyone else in particular. Take that as a disclaimer.

MD... I don't need to research it... I work with it every single day. I also personally live it.
JK would do well to work out these issues on her own for now. If she ever gets to true recovery, she can talk with her H about it then.

I offer this from an article I recently read:

"Leving said countless studies have shown that children who live in father-absent homes are much more likely to be poor, use drugs, experience educational, emotional and behavioral problems, be victims of child abuse and engage in criminal behavior. Some conclude the absence of a biological father increases a daughter's vulnerability to rape and sexual abuse by 900 percent."

This is why I'm terrified for my daughter that my ex will unwillingly bring a closet abuser into my kids lives.

There are so many instances of abuse that happen because a boyfriend/step father got impatient with kids that weren't his or he was a closet abuser and his W never knew it.

JK, these are things you can explore with a counselor or even on this board, if you wish. You give us a window into the thoughts of a WW and even provide hope for some of us who hope that our own ex or current ww's will one day at least acknowledge that they caused us a great deal of pain whether it was a long term affair, or an internet fling followed by the destruction of the marriage.

You help us as much as we wish to help you. It is your own personal pain and I understand if you wish to explore it privately since it is such a horrible thing to have to face and come to terms with.

MK, can I have your e-mail?

Thanks MD,JL,and MEDC,and I would never use my abuse as an excuse for what I have done.I made that selfish decision all on my own.I made the choice instead of confronting my issues.And I don't exhibit very many of the characteristics of being sexually abused.I have had 2 anxiety attacks in my lifetime,and only experienced it severely over the last year and a half,but only because of my A and the loss of my H.The only other thing that sticks out is the need for attention from the opposite sex.That seems to be what got me into trouble,and is something I have been working on in counseling the last couple weeks.Although when everything was good in my M the attention and advances from men were only annoyances.Prior to my A I have never cheated on anyone in my life so it's not a pattern.
I believe I told my H about my sexual abuse,but would not bring it up unless he started into R and counseling with me.
Truthfully,I don't think he would care anyways.I sent him a message yesterday telling him I missed him and his handsome face and that he was always on my mind.NO response.I am trying not to let it get to me and taking MD's advice and just slowly trying to chip away at his heart of stone,but it's so hard to just keep loving him not knowing what he's thinking or feeling.I just wish he would talk to me,even if just through a text.It seems like it's been forever.And I'm almost positive there is no one else!

JK,

I can only offer the perspective from someone who is in a similar place as your H.

Texts like that would chip away at me, but I would be afraid to respond to them. I would be afraid because acknowledging them and saying something similar in return might cause me to bring my guard down only to be hurt again.

Now, if I got messages like that for a period of time, and I really started to feel safe to give attention back, then I might start responding, but it would take time.

The need for that attention from men is critical. It is critical because it does make you vulnerable if things in your marriage start going poorly. You were starving for attention your H wasn't giving and you found it elsewhere. This is a possible sign that you are in love with being in love (the chemicals, the excitement) and real true love may seem tame by comparison.

I have a friend who feels she can't really be friends with women and would rather be friends with men. This is a problem in a marriage. Those male friends could easily cross the line if you ever have problems in your marriage and you seek comfort from your friends, who happen to be men.

Odds are that those male friends find you attractive. I can tell you that I find most of my female friends attractive in one way or another. Given the opportunity (unless they were married) I would be willing to explore things outside of friendship with them. It's the whole "Harry Met Sally" argument.

Those male friends can be a real threat to your marriage. Same goes with female friends for your H.

This is why friendships with the opposite sex while you're married have to be restrained and limited to being friends with couples or making your interactions with that friend something you and your husband do.

I included my ex w in every e-mail and call I would get from my female friends. I would say, "so and so sent me a message/called today." Just let her know and kept her in the loop so she wouldn't have any mis-perceptions.

I once found a co-worker very attractive. I shyed away from her out of respect for my wife and kept my interaction with her friendly, but professional.

Could I have your personal e-mail? I wish to share some things with you off the site.

what is it that you would like to share off the board?

I ask this because I get the Scientology people and others that want to peddle their view of the universe... and while I doubt highly that is what you want, I just feel the need to ask upfront.

MEDC

That's funny.

No, I want to share some things because my ex has monitored my posts and tried to use them against me legally.

I'm on here trying to help others now, and I just want to play it safe when talking about my own issues.

I'm not a scientologist (my suggestion of getting help from a counselor should clear that up) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Nor am I going to ask you to find Jesus. That's something for you to do on your own.

I'm a bit jaded on some of that. My dad's mistress conviniently found Jesus AFTER she helped take a dump on my family. I just think it's amazing that you can you can destroy other people's lives and suddenly say you're saved because NOW you believe.

Sorry, I don't wish to start a debate on religion, I just think some people use it as a way to cover their guilt.

For the record, I am a Christian and do believe in Christian teachings and philosophy so don't take what I've said as an attack on Christianity, but on those who cover themselves with it to cover their own guilt.

Threadjack over.

my email address is attached to my account... just click on my name and you will see it.

MD,did you want my email or MEDC's email or both?Anyway,thanks for your perspective cuz at least I can see what my H may be thinking.My GF whom I work with and who happens to be a mutual friend of me and my H told me yesterday that my H called her and made some comments about how he noticed "his wife got a new truck" and she explained that I needed it for the snow,and to tote my quad around.She said he seemed irritated.She told him that I loved him and missed him a lot and he just said"I know." He also made a comment about me txting him and how he dosen't always respond.And that he is enjoying being alone and single.She said he was very macho about it.
It truly hurts my feelings that he would say mean things like that when he knows she will tell me.Anyway,I will still keep sending him txts to let him know I care.Hopefully it will eventually start to break down that wall.

JK,

I'd like yours as well.

Each day is more and more discouraging for me!It seems like months since I have talked to my.My GF told me that her H asked my H if they were going out on our boat this summer and H told him that he lost the boat in the D.Funny thing is we are not D.So I sent him a txt explaining how I was sorry to hear that he lost the boat in the D,but was unaware of any D,and how much it hurt to hear that from someone else and if that's what he wanted he needed to talk to me about it and let me know.He never responded.I don't know what else to do,nothing I do seems to phase him.I love him so much,and just wish he would communicate with me.He keeps telling people he is enjoying being single and alone.Things are getting easier for me each day,and I am much happier as i have met some new friends.But nothing seems as fun without him!

Post deleted by mustangdriver

So I haven't posted in a while because nothing has really changed and I am getting more and more discouraged everyday.I have been hanging out with some new friends and riding my quad.Went to Pismo Beach last weekend and came back to hearing that my H had made a smart [censored] comment to our mutual friend that I had a new BF,who happens to be one of the people I have been hanging out with.But the truth is that he is just a friend in a similar situation,and I have no attraction to him besides friendship and my GF reassured him of that.I sent him several messages this weekend tellin him I wished he was with me and I was thinking about him.I feel like no matter what I do it is wrong.I have been trying to get out and do fun things with new people so I can find my happiness again and not be depressed forever.Even though I still miss my H and would rather be with him,at least I can enjoy myself with friends,but when i do rumors get started and it really sux,so I am at a loss.
Upon finding out that info,I sent him a txt telling him he was just a friend and I had made that mistake once and would not do it again while I was M,and that my heart belonged entirely to him.He didn't respond!I truly don't know what the right thing to do is anymore,cuz no matter what I do it seems to be wrong.Any suggestions.We haven't talked in quite a while,and he still has said nothing about D!I truly love him with all my heart and would give anything for another chance.I am so trying to focus on myself and getting myself happy,but because of my past I am always doing something wrong.

Tell him if it bothers him you will stop hanging out with your friend. You need to move back in if you want a CHANCE to work on your problems. Tell your H that you are planning on moving back in to work on things. See how he responds. If he says no, then come back here and we will formulate a plan.

Jim,he will think I am out of my everloving mind!He says he dosen't think he loves me anymore and won't even talk to me!It would annoy the ****** out of him if I did that!

You are trying to re-engage him, not avoid annoying him. Right now it seems that he thinks you are moving on to OM#2. Show him that nothing is further from the truth. If you don't do anything, how will your situation suddenly change? You need to do something to shake things up again. Show him your commitment. Tell him that you are want to end your lease (or whatever you are doing) and want to move back home where your stuff is and to work on your M. If he says he likes being single, remind him that he isn't just because he acts like he is. TELL him that you PLAN on moving back, and you thought you would give him a heads up. Don't leave it as an option. Sure this may cause conflict, but right now conflict is better than withdrawal.