So here I am, divorced.
A veteran MBer, but not one successful in saving her marriage.

Despite my failure in saving my marriage, I think that perhaps I still have something to contribute. There are some exceptional veterans on this board that have gone through ****** and are now living better, more fulfilling marriages than they ever thought possible. And they are still donating their time to help others achieve the same goal. I once hoped to become one of them.

I think it is important to remember than Plan A and Plan B are no guarantees, no matter how well you execute them. I had no affairs of my own, no addictions, no crimes, no phobias or compulsions. We had the kind of marriage and family life that many people dream of. Still that wasn’t enough. The A happened. I put my head in the sand. The A became entrenched.

If the wayward spouse is not willing to sever contact with the OP and contribute to the M, all efforts of the BS to turn the M into a happy and fulfilling one are in vain.

Living in a M where I am babysitter, maid, cook, gardener, hostess, trophy, nurse for the elderly, And private concubine, whilst being treated like a tramp and the trampy OW cherished like the honoured wife was a lifestyle my WH hoped to live forever. The D was my choice.

This thread will begin mostly as a blog to document my own recovery. I hope it will become a thread for discussion and it would be really great if it became inspiration that there is life and recovery after an A even if the M ends.

Things that I am currently working on:
1. recovery from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome
2. dealing with major anger and resentment issues
3. coping with being a single working mom in a country where I do not enjoy all rights of a citizen and have no family support

Today was not a great day, but not a terrible one. I woke a 5 AM with a major headache and took the puppy out to pee and poop before making breakfast and scooting D12 out the door to school at 6:10 AM. My headache disappeared while at the beauty salon getting hair in the bikini zone ripped out by the roots. Between all this I managed to get some work done at the box (the pc) and get in a walk and a short hike with the dog.

Amazing what you can do to replace the pain of betrayal and rejection.

Hi LT, glad to see you are staying around. As I said, you have much to offer here, and we will help you in return as much as we can.
Hang in there -
Mulan

My XH's A destoyed several of our friendships. I've lost a few more due to the divorce and/or moving away. There are those that think I went overboard and that demanding NC with Skunkypoo was selfish and unreasonable.

My XH always expected me to befriend his friend's wives and girlfriends ... that never went the other way around though. All of those "friends" are gone now. No wonder. My XH's 3 best friends have all cheated on their partners. They must certainly see me as a threat for exposing any future affairs that I get wind of. They all seem to think its ok to cheat as long as you don't get caught. I stupidly thought that my husband was different.

For all the "friendships" I've lost, I've found a few others in unexpected places. I know who my real friends are now.

Hi LT.

You've got several friends here on MB, too y'know.

There are few who have come through the h*ll of infidelity and divorce with more grace and dignity than you.

Alph.

Thanks Alphin!
I'm glad to be back in touch with you.
I had to take a break from MB. Too many triggers ... too much obsessing.

Once I decided on the divorce, I stopped walking on egg shells and really let all my anger at XH have free run. Anger seems like a wimpy word in retrospect, let's replace it with fury.

In the divorce agreement I was allowed to take everything I needed from the house and I gutted it. I took all the appliances and light fixtures, heck I even took one of the toilets, the fancy showerhead, and a villeroy boch sink from the bathroom. I even took my herb garden... I did leave one fork, one spoon, and one knife on the kitchen counter and everything spotless and squeeky clean. More mean than graceful, I'd say, but it sure did feel good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

and you called those people your friends??? I am surprised how many times I have done that, IMHO the word friend shoudl be reserved for those people that actually deserve it. when I think about my "friends" I can actually say I probably have 4-5 total that would give their all for me. that's true friendship. the others I mostly call acquaintances.

more likely they are embarassed that they do not have the courage to go through what you went through to demand what you know you deserved. their actions speak volumes about their own insecurities... not about your strength!


OUCH, that must have hurt!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

.

Sometimes I feel like being a freshly divorced BS that chose the D is a lot like my Plan B should have been. Truly darker than dark, even only telephone contact with SIL and MIL, becoming increasingly emotionally unattached, and getting on with my life.

The difference is that even if WS were to suddenly wake up, express true remorse, ensure complete NC, etc... I wouldn't take him back.
I have to admit that I still wish it would happen though for two reasons. One being that I would like my children to have a better father and male role mode, the other being that it would be easier for me to forgive and get over this if WS actually expressed a morsel of regret for what he has done to me and the kids.

It would be easier to heal if my XH had at one point expressed remorse for his A and his cruel treatment of me, but he didn't and he never will.

It would be easier to heal if my WH had revealed the details that I asked for and needed to put the picture - the real one - of my life back together. But he didn't and he never will.

I wish that XH would not continue to share Skunkypoo with her H and pretend to the children to this is normal.

I can't change XH or his behavior.

I have to find other ways to heal and get on with living my life.

Just thinking outloud today...

LT, keep posting, we're listening.



eww, so its a love triangle STILL, after all this time? are OW and OWH still married??? and this is ok with your XH?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Thanks FB.

Sometimes I feel about a generation backwards in this society.

When a H has an affair, it is asumed that the W wasn't able to meed the H's needs for SF and it is her fault. If its the other way around the W is a sleeze bag.

I am also looked down upon by some people (like XSIL) for divorcing the father of my children for continuing a LTA --- afterall he was a good provider and at least publically he looked like a good father and husband.

WH continues his A at least on an emotional level. He and Skunkypoo work together and still spend their free time together. Mr. Skunkypoo is fine with that since he doesn't have to feel guilty about his serial affairs anymore. Why doesn't Skunkypoo leave Mr. Skunkypoo? I think she would if my XH would take her, but he never will, not officially anyway.

Our other "friends" that knew about the A, but didn't tell me have more or less disappeared from my life. Maybe because they feel guilty. Maybe because they just prefer the sleazy triangle's company.

Yes, I know now that these were not true friends, but I still feel lonely sometimes. It is all so unfair.

It takes all of my discipline and energy to think positive and make a new start.

D19 is infected by XH and XSIL fixing blame on me for breaking up the M just because XH wouldn't cut off contact with Skunkypoo. She rarely comes home from college and when she does it is to XH because "she feels sorrier for him than for me". D19 is on her 3rd BF since the start of college after cheating on her BF of two years. I've no met any of them.

But I am succeeding at some things. I have a nice posh little 3-bedroom condo that is my very own. The only debts I have are for bit of remodeling and furnishing I've done on it. My daughters are doing fine in college and in school.My work is going unbelievably well and I have established myself now on a national level and enjoy a modicum of respect in my field. I enjoy this because XH forbid me to work more than 15 hours a week and would always make snide comments when despite this I would receive public recognition for my efforts. I don't have MIL to look after anymore and no more gardening to do, so have more free time than I have in years.

Maybe D19 is right about feeling sorry for XH. He has a huge mountain of debts. He still owns our house, but has to rent it out to keep up with the mortgage. Meanwhile he still lives at MIL (Alzheimer victim) and has had to take over my caretaking duties. SIL takes over all XH and D19's laundry and cleaning and I imagine that weeds are taking over the garden. WH has lost some integrity due to the exposure of his affair with Skunkypoo, but somehow Mr. and Mrs. Skunkypoo's unfailing friendship with XH help keep people thinking that I was a paranoid nut to accuse WH and Skunkypoo of having an affair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> In any case the threesome gravität towards couples where marital fidelity is not an issue of priority.

Whatever.

I know who my real friends are now and I will be a lot choosier picking out new acquaintainces in the future.

So here I am, just checking in again with an update on my personal recovery.

Outwardly, there is not much new. Work is going very well. I've been off the ADs for nearly a year now. D19 is still estranged. D12 is still with me and has adjusted well. We have an adorable 9 month old Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. I'm getting plenty of exercise in the fresh air --- more than just good for my body, it is the BEST AD therapy in the world IMHO. I have nearly no contact with XH.

Most of the changes are happening inside me. They are just so slow. Healing just takes so long. It was easy to forgive sexual betrayal. It is the five years of psycho-terror and nasty manipulation that are so difficult to forgive. First of all I need to forgive myself for letting myself be abused for so long, forgive myself for not believing in myself, for believing WS/XH's words rather than his his actions and what I felt in my heart to be true. I also need to forgive WS/XH, which is difficult because he doesn't want forgiveness, just justification for his actions. But I need to forgive for my own sake and for my children's sake so that I can truly move on.


I guess I should be grateful for WS/XH's betrayal. I am learning to take care of myself, to be tender and compassionate with myself. Looking back, I see that all of those years I did not respect myself the way that I should have --- not just the last 5 years of my marriage, but my entire adult life. How could I expect my partner to treat me with respect when I didn't treat myself that way?

So, as painful as it is, this is a chance for a new beginning for me. A close friend pointed out to me, "Those things for which you once admired your H, integrity and devotion to family and friends -- those things are not lost at all, they were part of YOU the whole time." So I guess this is a chance to cultivate those attributes in myself instead of looking for them in someone else. It is a chance to learn how to take better care of myself --- not just on the outside on the inside, too. This is chance for deeper friendships and a happier, more conscientious and realistic partnership in the future.

The word for dissapointment in German is "Enttäuschung". Täuschung means a trick, a swindel, a manipulation of the truth, or an illusion. "Ent" is the prefix to mean the opposite. So you see that the word for dissapointment in German, "Enttäuschung" is actually a positive thing because it sheds light on truth and reality.