My ex and I have been divorced allmost 10 yrs, after 29 yrs of marriage. He left me for OW, whom he still lives with. I took the divorce very hard and did all the wrong things, begging, pleading, blah, blah.
WE have gone through all the phases of anger, bitteness, etc and actually have a "friendship." and email frequently about different things. For the last two yrs, he has actually sent me an email on what would have been our wedding anniversary,just staing that he remembered what day it was.
WE are kind of at a wierd stage right now, and I'm just asking for an opinion, as I am too close to the subject.
A couple of months ago, we were emailing and discussing the past, and he commented that if he had to do it all over again, he would have worked on the marriage.
I have never lived with another man, but I was able to ask him, since he has now had the opportunity to live with 2 women, was I actually as bad of a wife as he thought back then?? His comment was that I was a fabulous wife and that he was just to stupid to realize it!! He then went on to state that he and the OW were having problems and issues {which he said were personal between them}, but he was going to try and work it out with her because he never gave us the opportunity!! He said it would probably take several months.
I was actually quite surprized he even told me any of this. I held out for a long time hoping this relationship would dissolve{ the two yr fading of affair relationships}, but this relationship has gone on for 10 yrs. They supposedly got engaged 5 yrs ago, but she doesn't her engagement a ring, although she does have one.
I guess that is why I have always held out hope in the back of my mind.I don't sit around pining away after him--I work full time, belong to a singles coed grp which is active , etc. I have dated, not looking for another man, but have been open to the possibility that I could find another relationship.
I guess my question is: Is it stupid to still hope after all this time, things may still be able to work out between us or is it just wishful thinking?

I think it is just very bad judgement on your part and you should move on. He doesn't care about you, but is only interested in getting some side action set up in case his current POA [piece of [censored]] falls through.

You already know he does not respect marriage and is not trustworthy so why would you volunteer for that? Do you want to go through a life of he11 again with someone you can't trust? With a man who feels entitled to have affairs and has absolutely no respect for committments?

C'mon, you are a free woman who can freely choose your partner. Why not use some discernment here?

hmmm

Wonder if she won't wear the engagement ring because she knows he's a cheater. And how do you know he's been "faithful" to her? (Doesn't that make you just want to puke.)

with friends like your XH who needs enemies?

he's still using you to fill some of his ENs that his cooze can't fill (memories of the past before she inserted herself into your marriage)

stop meeting his needs
stop responding to his emails
stop reading his emails

go out and meet other men

like, today!

Pep

here's what Jill Conner Browne says:

BE PARTICULAR

go read her books and buy yourself a tiara

Pep

i agree with pepper

... and give them & their life ZERO importance to your life

Pep

You are on the slippery slope to becoming the OW ... you may not recognize it, but that's what it looks like from where I'm sitting...

i have a different view

i think it's possible that your H may be telling you his true feelings

in the way that he feels 'safe" after hurting you so much

i think HIS door is open

the question is-Do you want to walk through?

if you still have a desire to be with him....tell him

eav, it should take much more than his "feelings" to get her to walk through any door. In fact, he has told her his "true feelings" are to try to fix the problems in his affair relationship.

Just because he is her X, does not mean it would be smart to pursue this. This is a man who demonstrably has no respect for her, for marriage, or for committments of any sort. Anyone who would volunteer for that in a free country should have their head examined.

So it has only taken him 10 years of living with OW to see that you were a good wife to him?

He is simply trying to set up the same situation he was in when he was married to you. When times get rough find OW to fill EN's. The only difference is that you are now the OW. this is EA behavior.

Agree Almondeyes. He isn't even considering going back to his old marriage. All he said was this:


There is no "there" there.

mel

if they haven't discussed the possibility

none of us know what he might be willing to do to earn his way back into her life

i'm suggesting that she follow her heart, if it is hoping for reconciliation, as she indicated in her first post here

and just find out what he is thinking

i recall mimi saying that a WS needs a roadmap to follow once they are ready

I disagree eav1967, I read blt13's posts and the husband has been playing games since at least '03.

The best thing for blt13 would be to establish NC and move on with her life.

his reference to trying to work things out with OW, like he didn't do with their relationship, and his acknowledgement that it will take time

could this be his way of letting her know that he has realized what he should have done with her and has learned from his mistake...

he could still be opening the door to her in a way that he feels "safe" after all that he's done and all the time that has passed

in the hopes that she will give some sight that her door is also open to him

Eav, and I am saying if her "heart" says to pursue him, then that would be a fools mission. She should use her mind, not her feelings. Her X is engaged to another woman, after all. There is nothing here to pursue and her hope is entirely unfounded.

This is not a matter of a WS needing a "roadmap," because he is NOT HER SPOUSE. He is engaged to another woman and is cheating on her with his XW.

He could also be cheating on his fiancee and trying to set up some fall back pu**y in case this doesn't work out. If she has a shred of common sense, she will recognize it for it really is and slam the door in his face.

Exactly.

Even though his relationship with his fiancee came about under smary disgusting circumstances the hard cold truth is that he is in a comitted relationship and therefore he is off limits to his XW.

Also, this story is identical to the one he told his XW in '03 and '04.

Even though their relationship is less than respectable the fact is that he has FOW under the impression that he is comitted to her. The woman that he is with now has stated that she does not want him to have contact with the XW and he is disrespecting her wishes by sneaking around with his XW. Their children are grown and there really is no reason to be carrying on phone and email conversations, or to be sneaking around going to lunch when FOW is out of town.

This just proves that the character of the XH has NOT CHANGED AT ALL. He is proving to you that he has an inability to respect the boundaries of a comitted relationship. If you ever take him back he will simply put you back into the same place you were in before you divorced.

You may feel that you have certain rights to your XH because you had him first and FOW got him by less than honorable means. You may feel entitled to give her some of the pain that she gave you by running off with your XH but you don't have that right. By having an EA with your X you are being the same type of person you despise, an OW.

The fact is that OW is no longer an OW she is now a FOW and she is his woman. At least that is the impression that he is giving her anyway, regardless of the fact that their relationship obviously sucks, he is still with HER after 4 year of complaining. If he is so unhappy then he should man up and leave and then maybe he can talk to you about a potential reconciliation.

Get IC and move on with your life.

mel

then we agree to disagree

this is no different in my eyes

it is someone who had an A and left, got divorced and might be realizing his mistake

if he is willing to do the hard work that it would take

it would include breaking of his engagement which he has already discovered is not what he thought he was looking for

she still has hope. she has said so. i would support and encourage her finding out what his feelings and intentions are

if he is interested and willing

that she set clear boundries

all of us who want reconcilliation know the risks of trying again

none of us know how this would turn out

umm Eav, he has told her what his "feelings and intentions" are: to work things out with his fiance. Therefore, she would be foolish to have hope; there is nothing here to be hopeful about. Her H is engaged to another woman and is not interested in pursuing a relationship with her.

This is not her spouse, he is engaged to another woman, so pursuing this would be IMMORAL.

There is no there there, Eav.