I'm glad you moved this off of LS' thread.
Thank you, MEDC.
Now. The difference between a successful RECOVERED marriage, and one where the wayward spouse has returned to a disgruntled limbo is "attitude".
Every moment the BS sits in judgement, their attractiveness dwindles away.
Right after D-Day I had the startling realization that I had seen many, many betrayed wives in my life, they were all those women who walk around with their mouths turned down with the weight of a cynical heavy heart.
I had always wondered how they got to that reality. It's sad and scary. I understood, finally, but I didn't want to end up one of those bitter women. I do feel sorry for them, but I won't walk around smelling urine in my life every moment.
The fact of the matter is, I did not stop my husband from withdrawing. In fact I aided him in his withdrawal from our marriage, and from me.
And that is how the affair happened.
Obviously this is a generalization but it's also a script.
You can either be bitter, counting your losses for the rest of your life and looking for someone to blame, or you can rise up in honor, integrity, grace, and mercy, counting your blessings. And in doing so you lift up those who have failed you. And that creates more love flowing, it's hard to resist kindness, unless your heart is hardened.
This is the fact, right here:
Affairs are about the spouse withdrawing from the marriage. The cart is before the horse, the person is weak.
When they should have filed for divorce or at least been honest, they are flawed, they are human, they do the wrong thing. You live and learn, under the best circumstances.
We all have done the wrong thing. Every single one of us has betrayed God with sin. Yet we are forgiven, the highest good.
To be truly successful, we must learn to be God-like, as much as possible for poor, inadequate human beings.
Yes there are wrongs committed, and they are on both sides.
Assigning blame is just another wrong. Unforgiveness is another wrong. It's a character flaw. It is a lack of integrity.
Discernment is good, I agree. I choose to remove those from my life that do not live up to a certain set of standards. Those with unkind, hardened hearts are the chaff in my life. Discernment is different than judgement. Those who sit in judgement are chaff in my life.
Unforgiveness will not cement a new bond, it will not renew love, it will not restore dignity and honor. And it will not serve the highest good.
