I figured out that my W was having an EA/PA while I was deployed, and still after I reurned, up until I exposed everything last week. They happened to see my PI watching them, but when WW asked me about it, I let her believe that it was NCIS. So now they've stopped all communication with each other out of fear that he is about to get slammed.

Here in NC there are a couple of old laws (i.e. Alienation of Affection and Criminal Conversation) that allow me seek monitary damages from him for pursuing her, and having sex with her.

I have a mountain of evidence of the A, and can prove "opportunity and inclination." They only thing that I can't really prove is that they actually had sex.

Should I confont him and tell him that I won't go to his command and NCIS if he gives me a written statement saying that he did in fact have sex with her? And then, keep my word about not going to his command, but use it against him in a civil suit?

No, I would go to his command. That is the easiest way to stop an affair.

Then get busy working on your marriage.

Go to his command! As a retired Army Inspector General and a first sergeant, let me ask you as a soldier to a marine...do you want that kind of lowlife in our military? can you trust a man with no honor, to uphold his oath? Expose him NOW!

Do you want to save your marriage? I didnt read in there where you said you did. If you do, then let us know and we can help.

You can still sue him...if you have the evidence that you claim you do. But the biggest slam on him, and the biggest weapon you have to rid him of your marriage is his chain of command. They WILL order him to stop all contact with your wife. If he doesnt...then he goes to the brig! Added to that, his command will start to look at him like the slimy lowlife he is.

He does not belong in the same uniform as you and I. He has no honor...no character. And he would do such a thing in a time of war is treasonous!

Get rid of this scumbag now!

And come on here, and let us help you with your wife and put your marriage back together!

Cory,

You are getting a lot of good advice re: your situation from Mortar etc but I would like to add one caveat as a BH that is now divorced. Exposure is the key to stopping an A but I would very seriously reconsider any action that could impact your ability to collect in civil courts. Your OM has got a huge sword hanging over his head but your WW has not. I am sure that any attorney that your WW might hire in the future will raise the threat of your legal action. Your WW(if she behaves as 95% of WW) will want to protect her OM in her continuation of misguided loyalty.

You have TWO great weapons that most of us here do not, the military code of justice and North Carolina law.

Do not confuse protecting yourself legally with a lack of determination in saving your marriage

Hey, Cory, I'm a FWW in NC, and my BH also threatened my OM with alienation of affection. He had proof of emails and phone contact, but could not prove sex (and I have never even met OM, it was a long-distance EA with a client).

I agree with Cy, your WW, while she is wayward, will try to protect the OM. I believe the alienation of affection law says you have to have NO CONTACT for 3 years, so if she stays WW, you have plenty of time to file a suit. If she earns her F, you did not have to go through all the drama and LB's that would do to your marriage.

Go to your commander and get exposure going.

Do you want to save your marriage, or do you want revenge?

Make the effort to save the M (if you want to) first. You can always go after OM for AOA within 3 years of finding out about the Affair.

Alienation of Affection Requirements North Carolina
An action for alienation of affection, on the other hand, does not require proof of extramarital sex. Despite this difference, an alienation claim tends to be more difficult to establish because it is comprised of more elements and there are some additional defenses. To succeed on an alienation claim, the plaintiff has to show that (1) the marriage entailed love between the spouses in some degree; (2) the spousal love was alienated and destroyed; and (3) defendant’s malicious conduct contributed to or caused the loss of affection. It is not necessary to show that the defendant set out to destroy the marital relationship, but only that he or she intentionally engaged in acts which would foreseeably impact on the marriage. Thus, defendant has a defense against an alienation claim -- but not to a claim for criminal conversation -- where it can be shown that defendant did not know that the object of his or her affections was in fact married. As with a criminal conversation action, it is not a defense that the non-innocent spouse consented to defendant’s conduct. But it might be a defense that the defendant was not the active and aggressive seducer. If defendant’s conduct was somehow inadvertent, the plaintiff would be unable to show intentional or malicious action. But prior marital problems do not establish a defense unless such unhappiness had reached a level of negating love between the spouses.

Thanks for all your fast responses!

I DO WANT TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE!!!!

Here's the thing:
On D-day (3 Feb 07) she begged me not to ruin his career. She said that she had broken all contact with him (but like I said earlier, I think it was only out of fear of the what could happen to him...). The day prior to D-day and her telling me this, she went with him to SC to pick up his 3 yr old daughter, and when they got back, either spent the night with him, or spent the night with her best friend (who is a single mother). Oh, and by the way, the OM and her BF live next door to each other (isn't that convenient?).

I've been gathering all this evidence since Jan 17. I had to let the "cat out of bag" on the when she went with him to pick up his daughter. At first I wasn't going to let her know what I knew until I filed for Divorce from Bed and Board, and she was served with the papers. I was going to have her served while she was at his/her BF's houses.

The other twist to the story is that this:
I returned from deployment on 4 Dec 06. On my way home, in November, she started anit-depressants and anit anxiety meds. Whne I got home, I was ready to help her any way possible to get her through her depression. But she didn't want to except my help, cause it was in a round about way "my fault" that she was depressed...

We went home to Texas for the holidays, and when we returned she started taking a few classes at the college to finish her degree. During this entire time I'm home, she won't let me be affectionate to her. She blamed it on the meds... I was also seeing and hearing the same things that I heard saw several years ago when she did this exact same thing (yes this is the second time she's done this while I was gone). We had did have sex some during this time, but in reflection, it did seem forced on her part.

On Jan 11 we went to bed, and became very intimate, but during actual intercourse, and just before I climaxed, she freaked out! She told that she didn't want to be with me, and wanted me to stop...The only thing is, I couldn't stop! I was "right there". Afterwards she accused me of "rape". I am guilty for not being able to respect her wishes as soon as she wanted me to, and for being selfish. I realize that. The next day she wanted me to move out, so I agreed to stay with some friends for the a while until she could "cool off" and start her depression therapy.

The next day is when I found the first piece of evidence of the affair. I immediatly confronted her about it, and of course she denied everything, and said he was just friend...
I continued researching and found where she sent him naked pictures of herself in the bathtub (I found those on 17 Jan). The next day I hired the PI, and you can image everything I've found since then...

Last Monday, 2 days after d-day, she went to file an Ex Parte order (restraining order) and was claiming this "sexual abuse". I geuss in hopes to "grasp for straws." I was already in the process of filing for divorce from bed and board (DBB). DBB is not an absolute divorce, but rather a fault based seperation, that eliminates her from recieving any type of alimony. I could also force her out of our house...

I started Plan A with her on D-day. Yesterday, we talked for a few hours, and she seemed to be taking baby steps in the right direction. Although she didn't appoligize for her affair, she did say, "I'm sorry I wasn't able to hold on to my love for you until you got home from deployment."

I LOVE THIS WOMAN more than life it's self, and I feel that if we continue down this destructive path (DBB, going to his command, and a civil suit) that is will only push her further from me. Of course, right now, she doesn't want any type of relationship with me except for that of parents of our children. I have told about the MB plans for recovery, but of course she says that she doesn't want to try it until she can get things straight within herself (i.e. depression, anxiety, self-esteem, etc)

I appoligize for the length of this, and for some of the details, but I have to get it all out there, so ya'll can better help me...

Okay...here's the rub. If you wait until she has her act together,, you will be waiting on her getting her divorce act together.

If you arent in the house, get back in there! Next, dont sleep with her (sex). Not until you know the affair is over with and you are moving toward reconciliation. In most states, there is such thing as condonation, which means if you have sex with her after you find out about the affair, then you have "forgiven" her of her transgressions. So, no sex for awhile!

You two need to be in counseling (a pro marriage counselor...not all are pro marriage).

On exposure...you need to understand that her being angry is NOT going to end your marriage. This guy can and will help end it. You need to go to his command and have him ordered to never contact or be anywhere near your wife. You need to also do this so his command can keep an eye on him. It is your duty to report him. He does not belong in the uniform and is disgracing the Marine Corps. Do your duty...for the Marines and for your wife. She wont like it...but it is the best thing for your marriage.

How old are your kids? does your wife work? Have a degree?

Mortarman,
Your right, it is my duty, as a SNCO, to report him. I will!!

As far as me moving back in, my laywer has said, that when I left the house on the 3rd, that I basically gave it and the kids to her. She also told me not to try to force my way back in. I know she's not a marriage counselor, and isn't looking out for marriage...but she is looking out for my legal intrests. If I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there would be no legal ramification, I would have already been back in there. My reasoning for leaving the house on the 3rd was that during the night of the 2nd when she found out that I knew everything, she immediatly had her mother fly out here. Her mother and her got to the house on the morning of the 3rd, and tried to force me to leave. They even called the cops (little did they now that I had already talked to the cops, explained the ENTIRE situation to them, and they told me they couldn't make either one of us leave...). While the cops were on there way, I had a friend take our kids to there house so they wouldn't see what was happening. My mother-in-law tried to tell the cops that I had raped my WW, that I was abusive, that my kids were scared of my etc...(blah, blah, blah) Of which nothing could be further from the truth. The cops told us there was nothing they could do, because there was no court order stating otherwise. After they left, and in front of witnesses, I agreed to be the nice guy and leave, only because our kids were excited that thier grandmother was there, and I didn't want the kids to see the animosity.

We have 2 girls and a boy. The girls are 9 & 7, and my son is 2. My wife worked from home for her mother, who owns her own drafting (CAD) business. But, her mother just lost her biggest client, and now the W has to find another job. She has found a job as a drafter, but her new boss is waiting till he gets some new work in before she actually stars working... She is also currently working towards her AA degree in Architectural Design.

As far as the marriage counseling goes, I've asked her several times in the past week to go, but she refuses rright now. She says that she wants to continue her individual therapy to help her get through all the "crap" that she has in her head (i.e. depression, anxiety, sefl-esteem, dependency on me...). Other than me physically throughing her over my shoulder and carrying her into marriage counseling, I don't see another way to get her there right now.

She has told me, on several occassions, that her therapist asked, "Where do you want to be in a year?" My WW's reply, and without hesitation (so she says), was, "Independent from Cory." Her counselor's reponse was, "Well, then you know what you need to do."

Like I said earlier, I'm Plan-Aing my butt off. I'm telling her that I want nothing more than to save our marriage. I've told her that I don't want things back the way they were, but I want to follow the MBs path, and lay a new foundation for our friendship and our marriage. I've only been doing for a week or so; what else can I do?

Cory,
Can't give you any advise as you are getting it already from the best of best.

Just wanted to jump in and THANK YOU for your service to your country and to all of us Americans.

Listen to MM and I wish you every blessing,
Jerry

Cory, in my husband's first marriage, he left the house but was able to get back in since there was no court order ordering him out. You might look into it further. I'm in NC too.

Also, could she have some residual post-partum depression? I think that, coupled with the stress of you being deployed and the depression that brings, could be a factor.

It is good that she wants to be independent of you. No one should be soley dependent on another. But when you are married you are interdependent. Do you encourage her in her work and school pursuits?

Doesn't all this suck? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Cory,

ANYTIME a woman falsely claims rape, buddy you are scr$wed,

This is a horrible creature and needs to be abandoned yesterday. Make your life's goal to get your children away from this evil, evil woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have never given this recomendation before......get out and do not look back.

This rape accusation will come back to haunt you.

Best of luck, you deserve much better.

MrsRob,

Do you mean post-partum depression as in after she had our son? I did deploy back in 2004 5 days after he was born, but everything was with went great through that deployment... I don't think it would be post-partum, but who knows?

I absolutley support here and incourage her with her school and work. With all my deployments and previous duty stations, coupled with her wanting to take care of our children at home, that she never thought she had time to go back to school, but I have ALWAYS incouraged her to do it.

With this new job she just got, I have definitely made it a point to she her my enthusiasm, and support.

This absolutey SUCKS!!

Thank you for your support! It really does mean a lot.

Cory

Ditto to what Shinethrough said......

First things first....break up the affair. It sounds as if you are ready and willing to tell OM's commanding officer. Your WW will be mad as heck but as Steve Harley likes to say..."Your marriage can survive your WS being angry but not three people in it". Establishing NC with OM is critical.

devildog.. was in 89-97, and in a boat similiar to yours.
So is she in base housing?

So you need to protect your kids first and foremost. You need to get 50/50 custody which will probably be hard to in the corps with deployments and what not, but its a civilian court that applies custody.

First you need to be a great dad, second you need to SHOW her that your taking responsibility for the kids and will if needed ask for full custody. I found my WW wanting the kids for the childsupport and when it was threatened by the courts to award me custody is when her attitude changed.

Second, there is a terrorist in control of her. She will do things you wouldn't expect her to do, she will lay IED's out allover for you. She will trick you into the house late at night to turn around and call the cops on you for another case of abuse...

When you go and see take a witness, someone that can just sit there and say i was there and this is what happened.

Get into IC, I know marines hate the doc but it will help. Similiar to here its a sounding board someone that can guide you through.

Ok. I just got off the phone with my lawyer. She said that my WW will drop all theses DV claims, if I agree not to "harass" her. In other words, we can only talk about the children, when we/if talk... Like I said earlier, I've been Plan-Aing my butt off, and conciuosly avoiding LBs... She absolutely resuses to consider ANY type of MR. So I geuss this his how she can get me to stop telling her how much I love her, and that I want to meet her her ENs...

What do you guys think? I guess that kind of forces me into to plan B...

Not yet. Will this allow you to move back into your home? If so, do so. You should not be "gushing" over her at this point anyway. She's a WW, an evil creature that's taken over your W's body, and you're now involved in a battle to get that WW out.

An idea: move back in, THEN expose the OM's activities to his superiors, or do both simultaneously. Frankly you'll be indirectly responsible if you don't do anything and allow that lowlife to be put in a situation where lives depend in him. Continue to "Plan A" your WW, but do not agree to move out of your home, and do not give her reasons (e.g. DV) to get a RO against you. Search for the "Carrot and Stick of Plan A" thread here - it will help you plan ahead for this battle you're not facing.

MIM,
I've basically moved out of the house already, although all my stuff is still there... With this "no harassment agreement" I don't really know the details just yet; lawyers are drafting it up... Like I said previously, my lawyer has advised me not to try to force my way back in the house. Plus, how could I possibly move back in and not communicate with her about anything but our children?

Anyone out there with any legal background?

I'm seriously thinking about moving back in to the house; although my lawyer has advised me not to. Of course WW won't like it a bit, and will probably try to get another RO (which her previous two requests were denied, but we still have to go to court on Mon. for a judge to decide if one is actually warranted) against me to MAKE me move out. Of course she is taking the stance of "Poor mistreated, abused, my H never respected, honored, little-ole-me." Even though it's all bogus, and she has no basis or proof, let's face it...when a woman is as coniving as she is right now, what chance do I really have?

How do I counteract all of that? I know that everything she says is through the "fog" of the A, but she's trying to take legal action against me in hopes to undermind the my DBB...cause she knows she's caught, and wrong...