My wife and I have had lots of difficulties since we married nearly three years ago.

But we've managed somehow. The problem is that she suffers from back problems causing frequent pain which is increasing with time. She can stand alright but not for long, requiring frequent rest.

This limitation in mobility is having a big impact on her life and our marriage.

She is often aggravated and would vent her frustration and meanness at me.

She keeps dreaming of a life in a very rural and remote place, even though we do live in a semi-rural 3 acres property.

She is making me feel guilty of keeping her in this place which she doesn't like.

Our love life is non-existent and the only reason for her to be with me is financial, that I help pay her insurance bill. But I love her and want her to love me too.

She told me today that she is praying to God to help take her life if no solution is found for her pain and problems!

I tried repeatedly to help improve her life without success. She is unwilling to have any social contact saying that people wouldn't want to listen to her problems.

Her main effort now is geared towards finding a rural place to live (on her own!) but keeping our marriage. How on earth would she manage with her pain is another matter. She is the stubborn type who would oppose alternative suggestions or compromise.

So I am really at a loss and as you can imagine, her meanness to me is making things worse.

Does anyone have any suggestion on what to do? How to reach a compromise over her eccentric idea of living on her own in a remote rural place and help her find a meaning for her life?

I am sorry for sounding so depressing but I have no idea what to do. I could simply terminate this marriage and walk out and save myself all the trouble. But I'd rather try to save it if I could.

Have you heard about the implants that they are using now a days?

It breaks the connection from the pain area to the brain...called a stimulator.

My boss has had back problems for 20 years...5 sugeries and he just had it put in...he's sleeping better now and I'm sure once he heals from his recent wounds that he will see a difference in other areas of his life...

Just something to think about...

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this upsetting environment...I'm not sure what else to say but I will prayer for you and your wife.

Can you please break up your text so that it's easier to read? Thank you for sharing your stuff with us.

I know that chronic pain often leads to depression. Is she getting help?

I know that just with a fairly recent bad ankle break, and subsequent pain and rehab, that I just felt bad bad bad about lots of things, and it is one factor that made me open to an EA- obviously not any way to feel better about things, but I was not thinking straight.

What kind of medical intervention does she have? What treatments is she doing or has she tried?

It sounds like she is severly depressed, that may be one way to start to improve things.

Read His Needs/Her Needs too- it may help you deal with some of these things.

Do you have any children?

Thanks for your comments. (I've adjusted my text)

Well we have an appointment with her specialist in a couple of weeks and will see what else can be done. She has some old cracks in the lower back which makes it difficult to take any strain (hence the frequent rests)

Personally, I am a very caring person and have spent alot of time in the past caring for older disabled people. But my wife is very stubborn and appears unwilling to come to terms with the limitations of her pain.

I am quite happy to help her 'manage this pain' but its the meanness that's causing so much aggrevation.

I am a medical transcriptionist and I work for a Pain Management clinic. 99% of the patients are there with severe and debilitating back pain. I hope that your specialist is one who specializes in Pain Management - if not, ask your wife's primary care doctor to give you a referral to a pain clinic.

A Pain Center uses different combinations of injections, physical therapy, medications and surgery to bring about relief. The one I work for also has an on-site full-time counselor because chronic pain often does cause depression, anxiety and anger.

Also, the device that Rinder mentions is called a spinal cord stimulator. A pain clinic can give you a DVD that shows you exactly how it works and how it is implanted, and they can give your wife a temporary trial of a couple of days to see if a permanent implant would work for her.

There is much that can be done - believe me, I type about it all day every day. Please make sure your wife gets to see a Pain Management specialist ASAP.

Good luck.
Mulan