Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 5
K
kkat55 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 5
My husband has been out of work for over a month and last night received a call for an interview this coming week. We were both excited about the possibility since it is an office position (not factory work since he has a bad back) and the pay is better than his last work assignment with great benefits. However, the office ratio of men to women is 19:1 -- that is 19 women to one man.

In my research over the past twenty years regarding men I discovered that men are “sight” oriented and can easily be aroused or drawn into lust just by looking at a woman. I know my husband loves me and is a good man, but he is still human and still a man with the “sight” thing. My concern is that eventually being around so many women for so many hours per day that it will eventually get to him.

I know there are pretty women everywhere and sometimes it doesn’t take much for a man to be interested. However, it is one thing to see someone in passing versus working with the same person(s) day in and day out.

At some of his past employments where women were involved I would wake up at night crying after having a dream of him being around other women in various situations. This plays heavy on my mind.

I know that he has to work and also that we need the money, but to me I feel that it would be better to work in a place that is dominated by a majority of men rather than women – and not to apply for positions where a person would be surrounded by the opposite sex – training, talking, laughing, etc.

In my mind it is also like putting an alcoholic working in a liquor store = too much temptation. Men are attracted to women and you put them in a whole group of them for eight hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year and it seems like it would be too much temptation. I've also tried to relay it this way to him: it would be like me working in an ice cream store while I'm trying to lose weight -- it would be too much temptation.

However, last night during the call he accepted the interview without even considering how I felt about it or even seeing the possibilities of any danger. Basically, he feels that he can handle anything because he is committed to me and told me that he would never have an affair mentally or physically.

Could anyone give me some advice, please?

Thanks!

Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
kkat:

Welcome to MB.

Do some reading around here.

Order the book "His Needs, Her Needs"

It will help you build an affair-proof marriage.

Because the ratio could be 19 guys to 1 woman.

All it takes is two people to lower their threshold, and an affair can start.

What makes you think your Husband is likely to have an affair?

What about yourself do you think your Husband would like to change?

Lets start from there.

LG

Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 451
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 451
Hi kkat,

It sounds to me like you don't have much faith in your husband and his ability to "fend off" all these women.Has he given you past reason to believe he won't be able to handle this job being around women?

As LG mentioned,all it takes is 2 willing partners to engage in an affair.If both spouses in a marriage are educated about adultery/infidelity and how it can occur,then you can protect against it,no matter who is working with you.Afterall,affairs in the workplace are happening A LOT even with an equal mix of co-workers these days.If someone wants to cheat it won't matter where or when.They will CHOOSE to do it.

So,your husband accepted the interview.That is good as it could be a better paying job and better physically as you mentioned.Try to see the positive aspects of this.You also need to deal with your own insecurities.Is it really your own doing or has your husband given you cause,as I said,to make you feel insecure about your marriage?

I can understand where you're coming from.But the main issues are trust and knowing how to protect your marriage, wherever you are.

Lastly,please try to let go of the idea that men are visual/sight oriented beings.ALL HUMANS are,not just men.If they were really as weak minded as some would suggest then they would all be in bed with women all day long not getting any work done.lol.Sure there are always going to be plenty of attractive men and women to contend with in life.That's just the way it is but if your love and respect and trust in one another is true and strong then NO ONE can interfere in your marriage.Right?

Talk with your husband more.Good luck

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
Quote
At some of his past employments where women were involved I would wake up at night crying after having a dream of him being around other women in various situations. This plays heavy on my mind.

This seems like a bit of an excessive fear to me. Has he ever given you reason to doubt his faithfulness?

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 5
K
kkat55 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 5
Thank you for all your responses.

I feel this way because of all the research I've done from my 20's through now (43). Everything I've read says that men are stimulated by sight. I've watched men everywere; especially in the workplace whether it is a Christian business or not and I see the same thing. Men like looking at women whether they are married are not -- and it also includes flirting. It has made me very disappointed in men that they are turned from their wives (mentally) so easy, even proclaiming to be Christians. It is like men are never satisfied with their own wives, but are always on the lookout for another woman. Very rare instances have I seen a married man not flirt around with a woman or two at work. Men just like women.

I married Matt because he and I were both Christians. I talked to him over the internet a minimum of eight hours a night for seven months before we met. I told him how I felt about married men lusting after other women. I told him about the pain I felt when I found out that not only were me and my ex having sex every night, but he was also looking at porn on the side and fulfilling himself. My ex would also stare at other women when we went out and when I'd ask him what he was looking at, would blame it on something little and stupid (come on, I have a brain). It seems men always think they can say anything and us women are going to believe it no matter how lame it is.

My issue with Matt is that after we got married I found out that he was used to looking at porn on the internet -- even though I asked him about it off and on during those seven months we talked (I felt that he was, but he kept denying it). I felt like I could tell him anything and told him the worst things about me. I thought he felt the same about me, yet he didn't reveal this to me so that when it came time to decide about marriage, I didn't have all the facts laid out before me -- like I provided for him.

After we were married Matt also looked at porn. When I confronted him with it (it was in his browser history), he flat out lied about it. I then made an appointment to counsel with a preacher and then Matt finally admitted that he had looked at porn while I was at work. This broke my heart because it hadn't even been a year that we were married. The preacher said that due to the fact that Matt couldn't find a job in my area and he had too much time on his hands that it was getting him in trouble. Matt promised never to look at it again and to start reading his Bible as soon as I left for work in the morning.

However, even a year later he would look up some hack site and there would be suggestive pictures of women and he'd tell me that they didn't bother him. (Hum...yet, men aren't bothered by suggestive pictures of women -- they like them. Another example of a man thinking a woman is dumb to fall for something like that.) I asked him not to go back to that site. I also reminded him that as a Christian and if he was called to preach that he shouldn't be looking at anything that had pictures like that anyway. (sigh)

During this time I also went to go get my hair cut. When I got there the girl couldn't take me. So, when I got home and went in the door Matt jumped away from the VCR (looking guilty). I asked what he was doing and he didn't say anything. I pressed "play" and it was a Bruce Lee movie that had a stripper scene in it. He then spoke up and said that he was erasing the part with the stripper scene. (We had watched the movie the day before and fast forwarded through it.) I asked him why he didn't do it when I was around so it would seem legit and he said he didn't want to bother me. (Odd, if he was doing it to relieve my mind, he would have done it with me. He is a perfectionist so that mean he'd have to watch where the stripping dance began to where it ended in order to erase it exact -- so basically he was going to watch it while I was gone.)

I feel that he loves me, but that he does have a few problems with looking at women and trying to cover it (and also a problem with lying when he thinks he's going to be in trouble). Now that he's interviewing (and has a good chance for this job) I'm starting to feel shaky again because as he described to his mother on the phone "it is working around a bunch of girls". (sniff)

I just wish that he'd take my feelings into consideration. But, he thinks that I don't want him to work anywhere. I just wish he'd find a job with a majority of men or in a man's field. I just want to avoid trouble with him lusting. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation.

I hope I explained it enough so you can see where I'm coming from. If not, please just ask.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 5
K
kkat55 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 5
Thank you for the welcome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've read the book "His Needs; Her Needs" about ten years ago, but I do have a new one on the way. I'm hoping that we can read it together (Matt and I).

I do not think he'll have an affair, but that eventually being around so many women will erode the wall he may put up. You know that guys will find someone attractive out of 19 or more women (it is a bigger office than we found out after his interview). I just feel that with him being a man that he will naturally start to look at the women. Then if we ever have troubled times he will think of that person to get back at me or just because it is a natural thing that guys do.

I have yet to find very many men (maybe a handful in 20 years) that actually act satisfied with their wives and could care less about another woman.

He has lied to me in the past about various stuff so what would be any different now? He is not going to tell me that there are so many girls there that he thinks are hot and so forth. I know that for a fact. Just like now -- when we used to talk on the internet he said that Sandra Bullock was hot, but now if you ask him he says she's okay or so so. It is like he doesn't want to admit that he used to like her. I remind him of our conversations and say what's changed and he can't give a reason. Logically, it stands to reason he still finds her attractive.

I just wish he'd be truthful with me on these things (on everything).

I think if he could change anything about me it would be that I would be like a "dummy" and just believe every word that he says, whether it was true or not...just like I did in my first marriage (where later I found out my husband was buying drugs with money he was taking for my Christmas and birthday presents and at times when we couldn't afford anything extra because the bills weren't getting paid).

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 5
K
kkat55 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 5
Thanks for your reply.

No, after studying men I don't have much faith in men. I thought Matt would be different because he was a Christian and said that he'd been called to preach. (He is not a preacher and does nothing with this calling. He comes from a family where everything is based on money and he feels that we'll be poor if he follows this calling. I got the book on George Mueller's life so that he could see what it is to have faith, but I feel that the money thing is too ingrained in him to make a difference.)

I have no problem with wishing I had other men while I'm dating or now married and can't understand how men can lust after other women if they are with someone. How can a man be in love and lust after another woman? To me it is a betrayal of love. Why would they (in their heart) want to be touching or sleeping with someone else when they are supposed to have the love of their lives already? That does bother me and I see it everywhere. It seems the media it brainwashing young women to be the same way because I've seen a shift in the way women act towards men also. I'm not part of that shift or generation. (It seems that the shift is making women more manly and men more feminine.)

It really bothers me if he would want someone else (mentally or physically) and it is hard to think that the average guy is so easily stimulated that he can be surrounded by a lot of women on a daily basis and not be affected. To me to "affair proof" my marriage (mentally & physically) would to not put my husband in a situation like that.

He had an interview with a Fisheries program and I thought that was great -- a guy thing. It didn't pan out. Then a company called him for an interview regarding exercise equipment going into people's houses and gyms to fix equipment. I told him about the stories my ex told me of lonely rich women wanting to flirt around with the service men coming in. He met one woman who answered the door in a towel. -- I don't want to put Matt in this type of situation. At least Matt turned down this interview and thought it might be too much. The pay wasn't very good anyway for the travel.

I was happy that he did listen to me on that position.

I do feel insecure with my husband at times due to the fact that I have caught him in lies, his mother likes to point out that I'm overweight (not directly, but through insinuations about other people) and my self-esteem has been slipping since we married. I would have to say that I'm at an all-time low and have also gained weight during the seven years (I think due to depression and PCOS).

However, knowing what I know about men it stills seems that putting a man around a lot of women is like putting an alcoholic working in a alcohol store -- or putting an ex-smoker in a cigarette store. It seems that it will be too much to bear.

I think in one of the marriage books I read that men think of sex every five minutes -- so if they are around other women wouldn't that mean that when they start thinking of sex that it is going to involve the women that are around in their line of vision?

Thank you for your input. I appreciate it and am going to go back and re-read everyone's posts and think on them a while.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 5
K
kkat55 Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 5
Thanks Kam for your post. (I just realized that when you reply to a post that it doesn't include the original post and they are all answered in order.)

It is just the fact that he is a man and that makes me fearful -- the other reason is that I've caught him in lies.

Please read my prior posts for more info.

Again, thanks for responding. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 16 guests, and 64 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P., Alex82
71,727 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,545
Posts2,322,787
Members71,728
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5