before i went tobed last night, i realized that i hadn't brought in my recycle bin.

i opened the front door to go get it and the buyers, renters, and freeloaders book was in between the regular door and the storm door.

i have no idea how long it's been there while i've been waiting. i don't use that door often since i always come in through the garage.

anyway. i was up almost all night reading it.

and i've discovered something awful. it probably explains my situation and why there has been no change in my husband's feelings towards me.

it seems that we were both buyers. when i became so very depressed after my father's suicide, for more than 5 years, i became a freeloader. heck i was never even a real buyer-i worked all the time and didn't ever do the recreational things that my husband enjoyer. i was too selfish and demanding to be considered a buyer-maybe I was only a renter.

and my husband's giver, just kept giving because he was a real buyer.

it's the awful truth.

so my husband, the dear, sweet guy that i've been so confused about because i believe he's a buyer at heart, he did change his thinking and his values.

but not the way that others here have.

from the book
"when one buyer becomes a freeloader, the other buyer has to either change the freeloader back into a buyer, or change their own values to become a renter or a freeloader themselves to allow them to leave the relationship."

i think that he changed from a buyer to a renter and then to a freeloader not BECAUSE of the affair, but so that he could HAVE the affair.

as a buyer, he was in our marriage for the long haul and he wasn't getting anything in return for a very long time since i had become a freeloader. so in ourder for HIM toavoid a life of misery and neglect, HE had to change his values so that he could leave the relationship. my h actually convinced himself that he hated me so that he could walk away from his lifetime committment.

this would explain why he choose to go online and seek out someone to meet those needs that i wasn't and then move out once he had someone to go to.

when he came home, and we had our false recovery, he went back into his buyer mode.

Then HE plan A'd ME like crazy.(and he didn't even know the plans) he did this for 8 months before he realized that he couldn't turn me into a buyer......i was a renter who was now ANGRY because of the affair.

so he started the affair again and started spending MUCH time on the phone with his family to gain their support as he transformed back into a freeloader so that he could leave our relationship for good.

so it took his plan B to me....1st by withdrawing from me while living with me and then by actually leaving....

to turn me into the buyer i should have always been because HE deserved that kind of a partner in return.

i think it's possible the OW might be in a similiar situation. who knows if her husband became the freeloader first or if she did.

that's why this affair is lasting so long. my husband is a buyer at heart, he wants to be a buyer again. if the OW is a renter and he is willing to put extra effort into the relationship, things could work out for them. If she is also a buyer at heart, and also left her relationship due to neglect, then she may happily settle into a buyer/buyer relationship with my husband.

so even though i didn't do it on purpose, my neglect of my husband caused him such misery that he changed from a good guy into that monster so that he could get away from me

Don't give up, just move up.

pepper

i don't think that my husband's giving to me ruined our marriage at all.

it was my constant taking and giving nothing in return until he became so resentful that he finally said "enough" and found someone willing to give to him instead.