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I have been reflecting on the POJA and how often we hear someone objecting that it allows one spouse to control the other by constantly vetoing anything he or she doesn’t like.

For one thing, the whole purpose of the POJA is to ensure that one spouse never acts in a way that the other doesn’t like, so that level of “control” is not a bad thing. The alternative would be that one spouse is left to act in a way that the other dislikes, which always causes a loss of coinage in the Love Bank.

On the other hand, if the spouse who is vetoing thinks that is the end of it, then s/he is also acting in a way that the other doesn’t like, thus also losing out in the Love Bank.

The whole idea of the POJA is to ensure that solutions are found that meet the needs of both spouses. As soon as one spouse vetoes a choice of the other, it is essential to hurriedly come up with alternatives that might work for both spouses. The reason that spouse A wanted to do the offending action in the first place is that it met a need; therefore, spouse B must quickly act to help find a different action that will still meet spouse A’s need.

If spouse B just declares veto and leaves it at that, then that is not an effective POJA in action.

Here is a link to the site where Dr. Harley indicates this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5041b_qa.html



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� I don�t really understand the POJA single choice
	YES
	NO
Votes accepted starting: 02/22/07 12:13 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

� Even though I understand the POJA, I find it unrealistic in real life single choice
	YES
	NO
Votes accepted starting: 02/22/07 12:13 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

� I understand the POJA, but find it hard to follow single choice
	YES
	NO
Votes accepted starting: 02/22/07 12:13 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

� I understand the POJA and find it easier to follow the more I practice single choice
	YES
	NO
Votes accepted starting: 02/22/07 12:13 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

� I�m good with the POJA, it�s my spouse who needs work! single choice
	YES
	NO
Votes accepted starting: 02/22/07 12:13 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

� I have no trouble following the POJA with my spouse single choice
	YES
	NO
Votes accepted starting: 02/22/07 12:13 PM You must vote before you can view the results of this poll.

My husband is Passive/Aggressive and HATES HATES HATES the POJA.

He insists that it fits your definition, which is:

" . . . it allows one spouse to control the other by constantly vetoing anything he or she doesn’t like."

Of course, it never dawns on him that by refusing to POJA he is the one who ends up controlling me.


I agree completely and have tried to explain that, but it is worse than useless to say that to somebody who is dead set against using POJA.
Mulan

How do you answer the first question? If you DO understand the POJA....you can't answer because the only choices are: No...I don't really understand the POJA, or Yes....I don't really understand the POJA.

I always thought of POJA as a way to enforce negotiation.

True negotiation means:

Entering into discussion with your taker
You are your own best advocate and look out for your own interests. Too often, I read here about people who went into negotiations all ready trying to 'meet their spouse half way' and then were hurt when the spouse wanted to negotiate from that point instead of trying to divine some other half way point or just cheerfully accepting what was offered. You have to learn to USE YOUR TAKER skillfully to ensure that you don't end up agreeing to something you don't fully support. That means: Stop trying to negotiation both sides or play both sides of the table. Negotiate as equals and grant your spouse the respect that s/he can advocate for her/himself.


Keeping an open mind that is willing to accept either outcome Either your spouse gets what s/he wants by finding a way that you can be enthusiastic about it ~OR~ that your spouse doesn't get what s/he wants and you find a way to make him/her enthusiastic about that.

Negotiations mean that you are willing to consider giving your spouse whatever s/he asks for -- so long as enough compensation is offered to make you genuinely feel enthusiastic. For example, if your spouse wants to spend time away from the family then maybe you'd be enthusiastic if twice as much time was scheduled (before the event) to be spent with the family (and you).

It also means, as you've mentioned, that when POJA states: "Never do anything without the enthusiastic support of both spouses." Your spouse is one of the spouses! His/her enthusiasm is just as important as yours. "Vetoing" is doing something without the enthusiastic support of both spouses -- and must be addressed through negotiation.

Mys

Oops! I guess for the first question, "Yes" means True, and "No" means False.
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