Hi All,

First of all, let me say I never cheated on my spouse and never would, but she has always been a jealous type because I am so friendly to people.

A friend of mine went to a party and saw a mutual female business acquaintence. He sent me a text message from HIS phone saying "miss you wish you were here" and signed "Love," HER name!

I deleted the message and said the next day to him "you know, messages like this can get a guy in trouble!" Lo and behold, the message stayed in a deleted folder and my wife saw it. Needless to say, she blew up!

My problem is that 1) I told her to call my coworker and he will tell her he sent it. She refuses saying that he "would cover for me" and say he sent it, and 2) Even if HE DID send it in jest, there is still a hidden connotation in that the female must have something going on with me to make my coworker send a message like that.

I told her since it was a coworker sending it in jest, I deleted it and thought nothing more of it. She thinks I deleted it to cover my tracks! I am the end of my rope. I feel that I cannot prove my innocence and welcome any and all help. I have a beautiful wife and children and think it insane that I could lose them over something I did not do! Please help!

Guy

This sounds unreasonable. Is there a way that you can demonstrate that the message came from your co-worker's phone number?

If that doesn't work (and it sounds like it might not), the only thing to recommend is to keep repeating, "I let you know that it was a joke from X. I'm sorry you don't believe me." The more strongly you react to her accusations, the more suspicious you look. If you do anything to respond - turn it back on her, act hurt that she doesn't believe you, try to talk her out of it - she will (it sounds like) take as an indication that she is onto something.

Does your wife work outside the home? It might be that she has a little too much time on her hands. IYKWIM.

Regards,
rs0522

I am a 46 year old male.

I ran into the same thing recently, but worse incriminating evidence.

My fiance found a used box of condoms in my small garbage can in my car. I have no idea how it got there but I suspect I was cleaning up around the yard and picked up this box and never noticed what is was. It was a flat torn up box without any condoms in it. It barley resembled a box.

I damn sure would not of put that in my car! I found it difficult that she would not believe me. I am not sure if she still does to this day. After finding it, she went straight to bed in a depressed state she has not brought it up. I could not get her to talk about it until the next day.

I would never cheat on her but I find it so disturbing that she would not believe me. Is this projection on her part or a normal reaction? At the time, it really made me question if she loved or trusted me.

Have your wife call the cell number attached to the message. Hopefully she will see that the number belongs to your friend.
Your wife is lucky that it was only a joke. I also found text messages on my husbands phone and it was due to a REAL affair.
I wish you all the best.
Pay extra attention to her. Buy flowers for no reason, offer to do some of the chores so she can relax.
Spend extra time with her (watch a movie together after the children go to bed, make sure you have some chilled wine and glasses for the movie)
Just make her feel like she is the BOMB! Tell her often how much you love and appreciate the small things she does (but be careful not to make it sound like you are tyring too hard)

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. I told her that the basis for marriage is trust and that I would trust her if this happened to her.

It seems like my constant talk of loving her and that I would never jeopardize what a great life I have with her is beginning to bear fruit.

I will also take the advice of doing things for no reason- like buying flowers, going out, etc.

I also made a promise that if there will be anything incriminating like this *ever* I would tell her before she would stumble upon something.

Wish me luck!

A friend of mine went to a party and saw a mutual female business acquaintence. He sent me a text message from HIS phone saying "miss you wish you were here" and signed "Love," HER name!

Why not suggest a talk with your friend and the woman whos name was on the text-message, together with your wife???? I think this speaks more than flowers, mostly in this situation.
Does this woman know what your friend did???? I just know that if someone did this and signed with my name, I wouldn't like it............what kind of joke is that????

bb

Not sure I believe you either. Looks fishy.
Male friends DO cover for each other all the time. (Always blame the friend when wife gets mad. That's standard for male friends that do these things)
I am not one to just believe what one says on this site just because they say it. Are you now on here to get us to help your wife to believe you?

This site is filled with people that fall for things like this. Sounds to me like there is more to this story and I am on guard that you will be wanting to bring her to this site to help "prove" you are innocent since the friend story isn't working.

I would like to here her side of your whole story and see if she has "always" been jealous or if she has real reasons why she is.

You may be telling us the truth OR you may be lying. Your wife is correct in having doubt. I am wondering the same things she is. I would venture to say that if your "friend" knows he can send you text messages like this, that you two must do some male "joking" and "talking" about women at times.

Your story sounds suspect to me. People that come on here are usually in a state of "panic". IF you are innocent why are you in panic? This doesn't sound as innocent to me as you are trying to sound. Her side of the story is very reasonable.

Just my opinion.

I think he's not around anymore...............

bb

Keepmovn,

Yes, you are right in some respects. I told my wife that while I do "joke around" too much about women around her, I stay on the right path- I know that I have way too much to lose and nothing to gain by messin' around.

You may have mistaken what I wrote, or I was not clear enough. I told her that she is right on being suspicious from seeing something like that. But I also told her that the basis of marriage is on trust. And if you can't trust your spouse, who can you trust? It's not like I actually cheated on her, then I would have not a leg to stand on.

I have a knack, and I have been told this, that for some reason, I usually leave out too much info to my wife than to provide too much. That is part of this healing phase. I tell her everything that may even look strange- so it won't bite me later. So far, that is working extremely well.

An update to this situation is that my wife is looking to put this behind us even though shw is not convinced. She won't call my friend because she thinks he would probably lie for me anyways. She is on the fence on what, if anything, I did. But at least she believes me that I never touched, kissed took out the "lady" in question. She may never believe me, but since she is looking to move on with life (with me), time will heal this wound to her.

It sucks since I really did not do anything. But then again, people on this board are either guilty of past altercations or have been hurt by someone being less than faithful.

So far, I am making the best of a bad situation, I only wish I could prove myself, but with my wife not paking her bags and fleeing, I consider it a major victory.

You can actually not trust you spouse..........at least never 100%.
Never in a life time would I ever of believed that my husband could ever have an affair................well, he did. I too believed that I could trust him 100%.

I wish that I would of known about the Marriage Builders concept before I even married.



This might be what you believe right now in your situation but I can only tell you that I don't believe that this is true. Time doesn't heal situations that haven't been dealt with "completely".
They'll "pop up" every now and then and who knows maybe it'll "bite you" someday.

What I'm trying to say is that if your wife won't talk with your friend, then you arrange something and show her that it's important for you that this is talked about.Show her that "YOU" want this discussed until your wife has a good feeling about the situation.

If I was in your situation, I wouldn't let this just go, I'd want it discussed and I would want my spouse to have a good feeling and most of all I would want my spouse to "believe me".

bb

A couple of questions:

Has your wife gained weight or for any other reason have something that may have damaged her self-esteem?
This is something I deal with. I tend to be suspicious about my H, but most of the reason is the fact that I have gained weight and do not feel at my best. Therefore, the mindset; why wouldnt he cheat on me; I am not attractive anymore. What would be helpful to me is if my H would take some tine for "us" time, maybe overnight or for a weekend.

Other than this, how is the relationship?
If there is withdrawl, or a lack of meeting EN, then she may think you are looking elsewhere. Maybe there are underlying issues bothering her and she is just using the "find" to justify her feelings. I would evaluate how well you are meeting her EN, and maybe this would help bring you closer.



These are just my general thoughts based on my personal experiences. I hope this helps.

Good Luck!

[color:"red"]
I will also take the advice of doing things for no reason- like buying flowers, going out, etc.

[/color] I would be careful with this right now. My husband bought me a necklace right after I found that he was searching an old girlfriend on the internet. He said he bought it because he thought of me when he saw it, but to me it felt like a bribe only purchased because he had done something wrong.

Thanks for the posts all. To answer one question, she had our baby a few months ago and has not lost all the weight she wanted. So yes in a way I am sure that bugs her.

Looking back on our time together so far, I feel like a failure in the emotional needs department. That is what I think feeds a lot of this. I would love to be my spouse's everything, but I feel like I don't even know where to start.

How does a person who has been with someone 5+ years finally say "I have not been there for you, but now I want to be." She sums it up kinda this way when I ask her what I can do to be a better spouse- "If you don't know by now, you probably never will." That kills me. Any ideas?

BTW this forum is extraordinarily helpful to me. Lots of good ideas (and shocking situations as well!)

All I can tell you is that you should sit down and watch a real "Chick flick"................that's about all there is to the mystery between men and women. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You guys seem to always believe that it takes too much to understand us women.............well, it's not really that complicated.

It might also help to think back when your relationsip started............didn't you go out of your way to please her???

Get yourself the book: His Needs, Her needs
it'll give you much more insight.

Otherwise, stic with us here and ask questions....there are plenty of us that are willing to help you.

Otherwise, I'd advise you to simply grab your wife and give her a great hug and a kiss..........tell her that you love her and tell her that she's the best woman you could imagine. (watch her reaction) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

bb