This question goes back to that book, "He's just not that into you." One of the main premises in the book was that if a man is interested in a woman, she won't be able to keep him away with a 10 foot pole - he'll be calling her and approaching her with determination. So, is it really best to wait for him to call?

The last couple of time a good friend of mine (I've known him for 12 years) spent time together, once on a trip with other friends for a week over new year's, and once last weekend, we spent the time romantically, as a couple. It was very nice. We did not, however, talk about our feelings for each other, aside from how attractive we find each other, and how nice it is to hang out. Neither did we make specific plans to get together again - he lives over 2 hours away.

I'm having very mixed feelings here. I really like him. I would love to actually date him, as opposed to see him now and again when he is in the city. However, perhaps I shouldn't get my hopes up if he hasn't called?

This is seriously the first relationship I've started with someone since my divorce that feels like it has potential. It is so comfortable and easy for he and I to be together. We are so good at talking to each other, about everything but "us". We have a multitude of common interests. However, I'm nervous and afraid to bring up the topic of feelings with him, perhaps because we've been platonic friends for so long and it's just a tad bit awkward to go there, and perhaps because I am nervous about rejection too - maybe he doesn't want a relationship, and is just happy cuddling and chatting when we pass through each other's lives.

Guys, is it true that if you really are interested in a woman, you will call her, and that if a woman has to call you, she's probably been deluding herself?

Edited to add a couple of perhaps important (influential)notes:
1. After the week at new year's, he did call me once, to say he had a nice time, and goodbye before he left for a 6 week holiday. I missed this call, and didn't return it. I did send him an email in reply though once I got the message. He was checking his email while travelling. However, the emails between us were nothing more than platonic.
2. I e-mailed him this past Sunday with some pictures from the event we were at this past weekend, and got no response.
3. He has yet to cash a cheque I gave him for my share of the accomodations on the trip we were on together over new year's. I haven't asked him about this yet, as he was out of the country from the beginning of January until last week - I assumed he would get around to cashing it now that he's back. I am starting to wonder if he's not cashing it for a reason.
4. He is 3 or 4 inches shorter than me. This is something that made me pause in my thoughts initially, but I decided I wasn't going to be so shallow, that I'd be willing to give this a shot. We haven't exactly talked about this point either though. Funny point though - he wore cowboy boots the last time we saw each other - this adds a good inch or two to his height.

Sigh, maybe I'm just overthinking this whole thing and should let it unfold as it comes - wait for him to make the next contact.

Or, maybe I'm just a huge chicken, who's being beyond tentative for fear of rejection.

Any opinions or advice out there?

Jen

i don't have much time here but i will make a few comments for what they are worth....

i wouldn't put too much into him not cashing the check. he just got back last week so maybe he just hasn't gotten around to it yet. guys can be like that. i am sure he will take care of it sooner or later.

if you think you 2 would like to be more than friends than be honest with him. ask what he thinks. sounds to me like slowly you 2 are moving in that direction. maybe he is moving slowly to see how it feels to be more than friends with you.

since you have such a long friendship base with this guy, i don't see why you cannot call him. my bf and i call eachother an equal amount i would say. it is not one over the other. i guess we are equally into eachother!

the height... i was usually into guys who were much taller than me. but not always. i put more into my feelings for someone regardless of height. my ex is taller than me, 6ft1 to my 5ft6. bf is around 5ft8 and i usually wear heals so we end up being the same height. sometimes depending on my heals i may even seem taller. a lot of guys like taller women, it is kinda sexy ya know? i guess it is anyway. lol i wouldn't worry about the height. i feel safe and protected and cuddly with someone who is about the same height as me just as i did with someone taller.

give him a chance to unwind from 6 weeks being gone and see what unfolds.

mlhb

Okay, he hasn't emailed you back.

I think it's safe to call him ONCE. If he doesn't then call you or email you, you may need to rethink the romance part of your relationship.

JMHO

What are you waiting for call this guy already. That being said I wouldn't start trying to push anything relationship-wise. Just call him up to ask him out on a date (be sure to use the word "date"). If he doesn't want to go or doesn't seem interested there's your answer.

Sitting around waiting for something to happen is a sure way to make sure it never happens.

Jen, I find the following statement to be very true---I've experienced it first hand on both spectrums. The ones that weren't that into me, I knew in my gut, but rationalized their behavior away, cuz, c'mon, who wants to feel like someone is just not that into you, especially if you don't feel the same way? I knew from DAY ONE that my BF was interested. Very interested, by his actions. I never ever had any doubts or questions as to his intentions. And guys, for the most part (so as to not get a 2 x 4 for generalizing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />), like to pursue.

Now w/ your sitch, you guys have a friendship history, that turned into a bit more. My gut tells me after reading what you wrote, and how this guy has behaved after the fact, is that he thinks you guys have just move into the "friends w/ benefits" and that doesn't sound like what you were feeling, thinking, or wanting right now.

Normally I would advise NOT to call, but b/c you guys have known one another a long time, I say call and get clarification. Simple as that. Ask him what that weekend meant to him. If he's a true friend and an upstanding guy, he'll be 100% honest w/ you. I know he'll dread it, b/c most guys fear telling us girls the REAL truth, for fear of us going postal on them.

That's my .02 FWIW.

Good luck

I would wonder too if he hasn't categorized this as friends with benefits.

My financial situation is pretty secure, and I'm busy, so I sometimes hang onto a check for a long time before remembering to cash it - I wouldn't read too far into that.

Calling for clarification might work, but he might be very uncomfortable giving you the honest answer for many reasons.

I personally think that if he were impressed beyond belief and excited that he had found you, he wouldn't have been able to stop himself from calling you already.

My K called me 2 or 3 times a day - but he's a yakker like me.

V.

Gosh, I guess I really am a child when it comes to how I handle relationships, aren't I? I suppose that I deserve to be single if I'm too chicken to call him up and just have an honest, open chat. But my fear of rejection is too high - although I feel rejected already.

Well, thanks for the different perspectives. I think I figured out the primary reason for my not wanting to call and harass him if he's not interested in me. I made the mistake with my now exH of pushing him to stay with me when he wanted to break up on more than one occasion before we married. I should've let him go way back then, rather than talking him into staying with me, if I truly was not good enough at making him happy or meeting his needs.

So, this time around I want someone who likes and wants me so much they will call me, and reach out to me. I could end up an old maid perhaps, but this is my plan for now - I would rather be single I think than get hurt again.

Jen

Sometimes a man needs a nudge.

All of you are overthinking this.

If you want to talk to him - call him. You two are older, have real lives, and stuff comes up. Yeah, if he's super interested he'd call in a heartbeat but you know, between work, life stuff, tv shows and college basketball tournaments on tv dudes are busy, Call him. This isn't high school. That book The Rules is total crap. Talk to him when you want.

and rejection? It's only rejection if you treat it that way. If he isn't interested, it's his loss. Good luck, dear.