My wife has left me after 8 months of marriage. She says that she doesn't think she was suppose to marry me and that God told her not to marry me but she did anyways. She thinks she was suppose to marry someone else...who she still says she is in love with...but she says she loves me too. I'm not so sure God would let us get married if he didn't have a hand in it. He takes marriage very seriously and says it is forever and that no one should seperate what he has put together. I know she loves me and I've been a great husband and I love her with my whole heart. She moved out about a month ago and she still says she doesn't know what she wants to do.

God can take a mistake and make something good come out of it.

In the Old Testament, Joseph, who was sold into slavery by his brothers (he could have said, "How could a God who loves me allow this to happen to me?") later told his brothers, "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good."

In the New Testament, Paul says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Two points, though: God works for the good of those who love him - do you and your wife love God?

And God considers good for us might not match what we think is good for us.

We aren't puppets on a string. We have free will but we also have to live with the consequences of that free will.

Em

rdog,

By chance have you taken some time to read the concepts/principles here on this site?

Your 18 year old wife is in deep in an affair rdog.She is conflicted naturally.She is married to you and in an affair with some guy.I understand that you still love her.But she has now moved out.

In my opinion,this doesn't have to do with God but it is about the immaturity of this girl whom you chose to marry.She does not know what it means to truly love someone,not in a non-fantasy way and also she has no real idea about what marriage is,vows and fidelity.There is no "thou shalt not commit divorce" in the Ten Commandments if you look at it that way.

But again,I think it's a situation where you have a very young inexperienced girl who probably got married for the wrong reasons,if we took a real hard look and talked with her about why she did.Marriage is not some fairytale where you let your emotions lead you around by the nose.Look at how fast she left you.It's only been 8 months.

Please consider some counseling to talk about what is happening.Call Dr.Harley if you need to to see what he says about all this and if there is reasonable hope to try and salvage the marriage.But focus on your own health ok? Having a spouse cheat on you is very painful and you can't lose sight of your own wellbeing.

I've been seeking counseling and reading God's word a lot. All it really comes down to is her and if she wakes up and realizes what marriage is and that she made a commitment to me and she can't break that. If she doesn't make up her mind then I have no choice then divorce...I can't just keep waiting for her to realize what she's done it could take years for that to happen...if she doesn't want to come back then I need to get on with my life and start healing my pain.

Of course God lets us marry the wrong person. Free Will. I know he did everything to stop me from marrying my ex. I just was ******-bent on it so I didn’t see the signs or slow down. HOWEVER, God did not mean me to marry someone else. I don’t think God has perfect little soul mates out there waiting for us.

I think when we are attuned to God’s Way, we are more likely to find someone who can develop into a soul mate. I sort of see soul mate as a journey where the love begins to reach mystical heights.

In your wife’s case, she’s suffering from affair fog.

Any yes, God can take a mistake and bring tons of good out of it. Look at many successful arranged marriages.

Ok guys,(and girls) IF God can and will take a mistake and turn it around, how long before I can see some progress? IF you look at my previous posts, I am the bad guy (girl) in my situation...and, although I severed ALL contact with the "O/M", I keep wondering in my heart if I made a mistake in marrying my husband of now 20 years???? We are so very different, and are 12 years apart in age, H being 12 years older than me.
I am so depressed. I keep trying to "get back that loving feeling" towards H, but find it very difficult. I wasn't "young and immature" when he and I married, but in retrospect, I think I was looking for someone to take care of me...which H has done and is doing, quite well, financially....I want to love him again, and I mean REALLY love him, but I don't know how to get the feelings back, if they were ever even really there to begin with. So, tell me, what do I do now? H is excellent man, man of God, wonderful fahter, good provider, forgiving of A...too good for me.....I've ALWAYS felt he was so much better than me, and deserved a lot better than I am capable of giving him. Am I a real B or what? So, how does anyone out there in cyberspace propose I get that loving feeling back...that may not ever have been there at all? HELP!! My H deserves better than this!~ He really does....and I know it.

rdog: I've been there. There came a time when I felt that God released me because my X gave up. I don't regret doing everything I could to try to save my M up until that time. I still honored my marriage vows for over a year later when the D was finalized. Now I truly feel like I'm being blessed for my faithfulness. My life is nothing like I could have imagined a year ago, but I'm happy.

tj3: There is no set timetable. First you have to get right with God. His forgiveness is instant, but growth and change involve time and prayer. Then you have to learn to love and forgive yourself. Love yourself like God does and not in a selfish way. Until you love yourself, you can't really love anyone else. Just be aware that the closer you get to God's will, the more you will be tempted and attacked. Be strong and don't give up.

God allows us to do pretty much anything we choose without stepping in to 'fix' bad decisions for us. However, he gives guidence, grace, strength, etc. to work miracles through us when we are in his will.

Well, the way you get that romantic "in love" feeling back is by having your h meet your emotional needs. Emotional needs can change over time. They are probably different now than they were 20 years ago.

Is he on board with the MB approach? Is he willing to put effort into the relationship, or does he think you should do all the work since you were the one who strayed?

Meanwhile, you can do your ever best to meet his needs, and help create that "in love" feeling in him. That is the best gift you can give him.

fb:, I know, in my head that what you said is correct, and I know, again, in my head, (but not my heart), from all my religious background, and previous "good girl" lifestyle, I know I need to get into a right relationship with God...but, and I know it's no excuse, I really don't believe that I am worthy of Him. OR MY HUSBAND'S love, acceptance and forgiveness...crud, I can't even forgive myself!!! And the worst part is missing the O/M....I know I'm not "supposed" to, but I do...I don't want to love myself "selfishly" on purpose....though I know I do it, or I'd never have done what I did??? I really want to beat myself up, and would like to jump off a cliff somewhere, but I'm afraid of heights! (a little humor there)....as far as "time and prayer" I have a very difficult time with prayer right now, believing that God really isn't interested in listening to whining from an adulterous woman....who has a perfect H...I do keep trying to pray...sometimes it's just "testing the water" with a "Hi there God...remember me?" I am really bummed up inside, and a long way from recovery, but, I do thank God for this board, cause I know He must have placed in my search...I don't even remember looking for it or how I got to it, but it has been a true Godsend to me....gave me the answers I needed to hear about a lot of things....straight and to the point, even when painful.

Greengables: Pretty sad..at this point in my life, I AM NOT even sure of what my emotional needs are, so I don't know how I can expect H to meet them...but as far as H being willing, yes, he would be, at this point though, he isn't even aware of MB website, it's kinda been my city of refuge....and, quite frankly, I don't want to share the site yet with him...he would, without a doubt, go through with anything I suggest at this point, he is THAT committed to saving our relationship. I think he is truly an angel or something....he is really too good for me, no doubt. I don't know what I ever did so right to get him, or what HE did so wrong to get ME! And yes, I keep trying to "create" that "in love" feeling with H....but it is really hard.....cause it's just not "there"....As far as H thinking I "should do all the work, cuz I'm the one that strayed", not at all...H really is a saint, and adds salt to my wounds by saying things like, "I am sorry that I (H) haven't been the H I should've been", "If I (H) had been the H I should've been, this (A) would never have occurred..." and other totally forgiving statements that only serve to make me feel like even more of the WORM that I am! How's that for forgiveness????? I am having a hard time accepting his forgiveness, God's forgiveness, and especially not my own.... ARGH!!!!!! How LONG must I go through this agony???? I know, I know, MY pain is nothing compared to the pain I INFLICTED on God's name, and onto H! I know already! I know!

None of us are worthy. That is what's so great about God's grace. There is nothing we can do to earn it so Jesus paid the price.
Read about Rahab in the book of Joshua. God not only saved this prostitute, but blessed her with a great line of decendents. The book of John tells of the woman at the well and the woman accused of adultry.

Here is an exerpt from "7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage," by Mort Fertel. This email message was entitled, "How do I know if I married the right person?" I hope it is helpful to you and your wife.

"During one of my live seminars, a woman asked me a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?"

In all seriousness, how do you know?

Before I share with you part 7 of the special report you requested, "7 Secrets for a Stronger Marriage," let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love...because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling is love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute,
drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage
for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully) THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love." Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

And make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable--you can "make" love."

Wow! What a powerful thread.

I'm a Man, yet I am crying reading the posts here.

TJ, you can not create that in love feeling in yourself. That is something your husband does. If you withhold MB principles or other ones similar, you are doing harm to your husband.

You don't have to tell him your user name. You can protect your anonymity. YOu can just get the books and read them together. Do the plan. It works. You do stuff that makes him feel in love with you. He learns to do stuff, and does it, that makes you feel in love with him. Oila. It's simple, but not easy. It feels weird. It feels scary. It feels very, very scary. And sometimes, it can be painful. Break a bone to reset it properly is painful, but is good for the person.

Of course this assumes both partners are willing, motivated, rational, mature, able to compromise, etc. It does take two to tango. Some here believe you should tango by yourself, and that is reasonable as an invitation to your partner to join you. But tangoing by yourself long-term is not a healthy thing.

I guess my cynical view is that if your relationship is sound enough that you can get your partner to agree to work together on putting the Harley principles into practice - then lucky you - you are already in better shape than most people here.

Oh, I agree, ItIs, but TJ3 said her husband would probably do anything to save the marriage. And she is fairly motivated. She's here, and that's a start.

Why do you feel that God would have taken a personal interest in your marriage but he allows millions of people to die of starvation and disease every year? This is a weird argument you're making.

God gave you free will. If the Lord exists (as you obviously believe) he certainly doesn't exist to keep you out of trouble.

Hey ItIs...I never said my relationship was a sound one. If that were the case, I wouldn't be where I am, emotionally, or even on these boards. But, I do know without any doubt that H is indeed willing to do anything, (within reason) to save our marriage. He is more committed, (obviously!) Than am I....I am the whole problem here. Shoot, maybe I'm going through a "mid-life crisis"....LOL! I woulod NEVER make the assertion that I am in any "better shape" than anyone, and especially not anyone here in these boards. Obviously, (I hate redundancy!), but anyway, I suppose I am "lucky" in that H is willing to do whatever it takes....I am the one who is unsure of what I want to do. I love H....or I would have fled when I had the chance and never looked back, but I didn't. I don't WANT to hurt H...(I know, too late), but I am just battling so many emotional issues here. I am still having withdrawal pain from O/M....and KEEP finding myself in situations that could create even MORE compromise. The only way I can see to keep me out of the "loop" is to quit my job and be a stay at home wife....which, I do not want to do, but OMG what is this world that we are all in together...there are so many lonely people out there...and I think all of the lonely men over a certain age (not specifying!) in my area want to discuss their situations with me. Believe it or not ya'll, I am a very caring and compassionate individual, who really does care a lot about people. And "people" tend to want to tell me their life stories, and "share" their relationship/marriage problems, which is how all my troubles started in the beginning.... I think I want to hide under a rock, except that I feel as though I just crawled out from under one!

tj3 - if you really want some help, I am going to start a thread just for you on the Recovery Forum. That is where you need to be anyway, imho, not on the Divorcing/Divorced forum, the Plan A/Plan B, forum, etc..


I also don't want to threadjack rdog's thread to turn it into your thread.

Anyway, if you truly want some help, see me on the Recovery Forum. The "ball" is in your court.

God bless.

rdog - "Does God allow us to marry the wrong person?"

In a word....Yes.

But just how do you define "wrong person?"

"Right or wrong" person really doesn't matter once you ARE married. Two different people become "one flesh" in a marriage, according to God.

We are cautioned (commanded) to not be unevenly yoked to an unbeliever, but even if we choose that course, God still considers the marriage "binding" and has distinct limitations on whether or not a divorce could take place, at least according to God's standards.

Your "problem" isn't with the thoughts that prompt your question, your problem is your wife's poor (possibly non-existant) relationship with her Lord and Savior. THAT is where things needs to addressed first.

God bless.

rdog,

Regarding FH's comments above: I agree, to a point.

Picture 2 people in the same room. They sit at opposite ends of the room and don't interact with each other at all. But a 3rd person enters the room and beckons each to approach. He begins to converse with each and they come nearer to Him.

As they each get closer to Him, they naturally get closer to each other. A Christian based marriage should be just such a relationship. Each person draws closer to the Savior and in turn, gets closer to the other. The focus is on Him, but because He has a relationship with both of them, they get closer to each other by getting closer to Him.

Sometimes we think that God allowed us to marry the wrong person because that person doesn't make us happy. But I can no more make my W happy than I can make her 6 feet tall. I would like to make her happy and have done many things in an effort to do so, but it is when we assign the task of making us feel good about ourselves to anyone or anything outside ourselves that we give up the responsibility for our own feelings and, in turn, our own actions.

God sometimes "lets us" do things that are not the best thing we could do, since He allows us free will. But at times he also allows us to do things that we don't see as the best, when in reality, His purpose has a completely different focus than our feeling good about ourselves. He often teaches us "better" things, including better choices, by allowing us to learn from our mistakes as well as our good choices.

Sometimes, He can even use our choices to teach others something. If you read Hosea you will see that Hosea had far from the perfect M. His W was not even a believer. She was selfish, self-centered and showed no interest in either the things of God or her husband. But God used the M to teach all of us several lessons. He teaches us to be committed. He teaches us to focus on Him not our spouse's shortcomings. He teaches us of His love and forgiveness that He gives despite our own selfish ways. He shows us that we all have turned our backs on the one who loved us more than any human ever could to pursue our own wicked desires and yet, when we reach the end of ourselves, He is there, ready to not only take us back, but to BUY us back at a cost to Him.

So, does God let us marry the wrong person? Maybe He does. But He also uses that wrong choice to teach us His ways and His great love for us.

The easier question to answer is this, and is really at the heart of the matter. Does God ever tell anyone to leave their marriage and instruct them to end a marriage, regardless of the circumstances of how it came to be. I can make many arguments from scripture to support staying married. I can not even think of one case where God told someone to divorce. In fact, God's specific comment about D is that He HATES it.

In your specific case, the issue is that your W has an attachment to someone who is not her husband. She has a bond where there should be a boundary. She has nurtured a relationship with someone else at the expense of building one with you. She likely sees no problem with this other relationship since to her it feels so good that it must be right. She is, basically, in the fog of adultery, even if no physical contact has ever occurred. In order to save your M, she must avoid all contact with this "soul-mate" of hers and commit to building her R with you.

The question for you to answer is "How long can you continue to try to save your M without her help and while she actively seeks to destroy it. Paul clearly indicates that we are not to leave our S when we become believers, but that if they wish to leave ,we are free to move on with our lives.

If she claims to be a believer, she needs to stop this fantasy life she is promoting in her own mind and do what is right. The scriptures are pretty clear on what is right.

In your case, I'd say that if you want this M to survive, come up with a plan to show her your love and commitment, make the M she has as attractive as possible and be a beacon of light that she can use as an aiming point when she decides to return. In other words, Plan A.

Mark