My H wanted closure with OW, too. He had tried repeatedly to break it off with her (this was before I knew about the A). He had finally broke with OW and decided to meet her one last time for closure and because she was so upset.

She became pregnant that weekend by H. Now we are tied to OW for life through OC and for 18 years with CS. All so he could have closure and try not to hurt her feelings.

Do not allow a meeting for closure.

LBelle,

Thank you chere for that painful testimony about the risks of of contact....<even> for "closure".

((((((((((((((((((LBelle)))))))))))))))))))))))

I just want to reiterate/agree with what everyone else has said.

Your H doesn't want to look like the bad guy to the OW which is protecting the OW, NOT YOU.

Your H thinks one final goodbye will bring him closure. IT WON'T.

Your H thinks it will help with his grief. IT WON'T. In fact, he ain't seen nothing yet regarding his grief (and neither have you, unfortunately) if he's deadly serious about NC.

Any breaking of NC is one very big step away from the marriage and one very big step back into the A.

On the other hand, he will probably succumb at some stage in the near future to try to get "closure" because he is still a very, very foggy man. The fact that he's willing and wants to recover your marriage is a very big plus in your favour though.

Edited to add: You MUST expose to the OW's H. It will be tough and your H will be FURIOUS but as has been said on here many, many times, your marriage can survive an angry WS, it can't survive an ongoing A. My H exposed to the OM's W because it was something she NEEDED to know. He also did it as a way of protecting me from myself. I was pleased he did it.

BTW I'm an FWW.

One, you are more likely to get "closure" if you pick up the phone NOW and call the OW's H and tell him about the affair. Disguise your # by dialing *67 and just call him up. If the OW answers, ask for her H or hang up and call back later.

You need to call the man, though, and do it soon. Don't tell your H beforehand so he doesn't have a chance to pre-empt you and forewarn the OW. The affair is much more likely to have "closure" if you tell her H than if your H contacts the OW again.

Your H will be mad, but he will get over it. You are not obliged to protect his dirty secret from his victims, you are obliged, however, to do whatever it takes to save your marriage from their filthy affair.

Thanks everyone for the very unanimous response, the issue was very quickly cleared up! It is reassuring when others take the thoughts out of your head and write them up in black and white. We have agreed that there will be no closure.

Silentlucidity…is there a synopsis anywhere regarding your situation? I have tried to follow it quite a few times now but still haven’t gotten through nearly all your posts… I’d really be very interested.

As for the exposure. UGH. I utterly dread it but I will do it. How much detail do I give?

I must say that I found this whole post very depressing. Do the feelings that the waywards have for each other ever die or do they linger in some dark, mouldy little corner of the psyche forever? I baulk at the thought that I have had to ‘fight’ for his love. I don’t feel like he owes me love; he either does or doesn’t and if there are always going to be these residual feelings for her then frankly, I’d really rather not compete. That’s what the woman in me says. The mother in me, well she’s waaay on the other side of the continuum.

"""I must say that I found this whole post very depressing. Do the feelings that the waywards have for each other ever die or do they linger in some dark, mouldy little corner of the psyche forever?"""

IMO, yes they do die. It's when the fog completely clears and the A, the feelings and everything about them are seen for what they really are.

Give ALL details. He should be told everything you know. Offer to be his ally in watching to make sure the affair is ended. But, do this SOON, today if possible and get it out of the way. The sooner you tell him, the sooner he can watch her from his end.

Second doing it today. The faster the better and then you can move on with your recovery.

Yes, you must give all details. Your H sounds very much like he will do anything to recover your marriage. This is not depressing it is SO postive. He's also very, very vulnerable right now to making contact. When you expose he'll be mad, mainly because he's trying hard to do the right thing and he'll see your exposure as revenge and getting back at him, and he'll be upset because he'll see the door closing forever. It will be a tough time for you both but it HAS to be done.

Eventually, because he sounds like a decent man and a man who wants to recover his marriage, he will see you've done the BEST thing you could have for your marriage.

Oh my! This explains our situation to a T. FWH had to finish off a work project involving OW, so contact had to be maintained for a little while after d-day, so he wanted to 'soften the blow' of the end of the A, as he had to come face to face with her one more time. He also said that he doesn't like treating people badly (I know!!), so felt that the 'blunt' NC email needed to be followed up with a more gentle one. Unfortunately, what it ended up doing was encourage yet more "you don't understand me" and other such sob-story responses. I think about 6 NC emails went in total!

Never mind. We've come through it. Just showed this thread to H - had a hug.