I completely agree with Jim.

When she gets verbally abusive with you on the phone, give her ONE warning. "You need to stop calling me names. I will not continue this conversation if you continue to act this way." When she says ONE more thing over the line, hang up. Don't accept her calls for at least another 10 minutes. Let her THINK about this.

If it happens at home, or via a face to face conversation, apply the same thing. CALMLY tell her "I understand you're angry, but I will not keep talking with you if you're going to be abusive." When/if she gets abusive again, tell her "This conversation is over until you can calm down and TALK about the problem, not take your anger out on me." And walk out. When she IS calm, make it clear to her that you're not going to EVER accept her behaving that way in front of the kids...that's more damaging to them than anything else.

Again, plan A is NOT plan doormat. Setting boundaries in what you'll accept from her is NOT a lovebuster. Just as SHE has boundaries about what she'll accept from you isn't a lovebuster.

I have to be very careful when I tell her things like that. I fear that things could escalate very easily if she feels like I'm trying to threaten her, or telling her that I wont accept the way she is treating me, she sees that as being cocky. If I hung up on her I'm not sure what she would do. She has a bit of a temper anyway.
She's definitely on the roller coaster emotionally.
Hopefully the ride will start to slow down soon. Shes thinks I'm "using" the kids against her.
This is just a mess.

by escalate I mean she may actually try to leave or try to throw me out, or go do something stupid to try to get back at me. i just dont think she is rational right now at times.

Look, most likely she has a temper because it has been effective for her in her interactions with you--it is another indication of weak boundaries on her part. Any behavior analyst will tell you that when you attempt to change behavior the way you are attempting to change her behavior, things get worse before they get better. She will escalate, it is part of the process of changing her behavior. Now, ideally, it would be nice if you were not dealing with such an emotional issue while you are trying to change her behavior. But like the others have told you, this stuff is not good for the kids. She knows you will "be careful" that is why she uses angry outbursts to get her way with you.

You can decide if you are going to change this pattern of interaction now or wait. I am concerned that this is such a big incident in your marital relationship that you should go ahead and set limits now, like you have been advised to do. Her behavior will escalate, so you may want to get the kids out of the house for a couple of days while you are working on this. I hope I am being clear on this, it is hard to describe changing behaviors and the escalation that will be predicted in just a brief e-mail.
Lake

You are clear on this.
Now she is telling me I'm going to have to get a second job because I owe her. Says if I keep airing our problems to people (counseling, debt consultant etc..) she is going to really embarass me. I dont really know how far she would take that.
Says its my fault the kids are going through this.
I had hoped that keeping the kids around her would help her, but I dont know.
She keeps going over and over everything in her head.
I will stand up for my kids.

tired_man.

I'm a little out of the loop on your sitch, i've looked at a number of your posts, so i think i have it down.

You did good. it looks like you might have stopped something before it went too far. yea, she's mad, she'll blame you, but unlike a lot of us, you stopped it before it happened.

Plan a you butt off and keep saying you did what you felt you had to do to save your marriage and family.

hang in there, you did the best you could. Don't beat yourself up.

Good Job!

tired - your wife is bullying you into silence because IT WORKS. She knows all she has to do is threaten to leave, or threaten to get angry, and you will immediately back down and cower like a mouse and she can get her way.

Unless and until you stop being afraid of her anger, she will NEVER change this. Why should she? It works perfectly for her. She can get whatever she wants by terrorizing you because she knows for a fact you will NEVER stand up to her.

We have seen this over and over here on MB - betrayed husbands who are absolutely terrified of their WW's anger and bullying. These men allow themselves to be bullied out of their marriages, their homes and their children and refuse to lift a finger to stop this.

Just like you're doing.

And we tell them the same thing every time - Man Up. You have got to remember where you placed your spine and put it back in place. And you might want to replace a couple of other objects, too, while you're at it.

Nobody is telling you to shout back at her or to get as nasty as she is.

Just try this next time she gets nasty or starts making threats: "No."

Then hang up or walk away.

Listen to the bullying and the screaming tantrum from the next room. She WILL escalate because this is the only weapon she has and she's not about to give it up.

DO NOTHING IN RESPONSE BUT DO NOT BACK DOWN

When some other man is raising your children and they're calling him "Daddy", will you feel better because you can sigh and say, "Well, at least I didn't fight back" - ?

Please listen to what broken dreams is telling you. You are on the same path and will end up the same way if you don't change your tactics NOW.
Mulan

TM,
How are you doing?
Lake

hanging in there.
we are still together. sometimes it seems like things are normal then it seems like she remembers.
Our anniv. is coming up really quick. she says she doesnt want to do anything, for me not to get her anything. she hasent worn any jewerly since all of this, says she doesnt wear it anymore.
we are both worried about our finances, its going to be difficult for a while, she says its all my fault.
doesnt take much at all to set her off now. I still get some jabs when ever she sees the opportunity.
I've been plan A'ing as best I can.
She's been half heartedly looking for another job, still blames me for it all when it comes up.

just doing the best I can, theres just alot stacked against us right now.
thanks for asking, I'll keep ya'll posted.

I'm getting her a card and some flowers for our anniv any way, just didnt seem right not too, I'm now expecting anything from her.

I'd say that's a good thing. Don't go crazy or overboard just yet, since she's not in a receptive mood. It sounds as though she might still be in withdrawl with the end of her relationship with OM...but DO do something small like you're talking.

well, I did something small for our anniv. and she gave me a hard time about it. but she did talk to me and told me that she is trying to deal with everything.
but that was a while ago and things seem to go good for awhile then she has sort of a relapse of being really hurt and mad. then she doesnt want to have anything to do with me. she is still looking for a job. money is tight.
she still says that the only thing she did wrong was be honest with me about the convo's and such. says that from now on she wont tell me anything that's not good for her, that now she is thinking of herself before me, self preservation sort of thing.
she keeps going back to me lieing to her about the recording and causing her to looser her job.
its really obvious that our relationship has changed, I hope that it can get to something similar to what it was, hopefully better.
some days are really bad, I'm still doing the plan A type thing, it gets hard though.
summer is almost over, I feel like I ruined my kids summer sometimes.
I just dont know how its going to pan out. I definitely need to work on myself, I guess thats all I can do.

update:
we are still together, still in the same bed. she hasnt found another job yet. hasnt really looked much. She will go for a few weeks like everything is ok, then she freaks on me and reminds me what a piece of crap I am, that I took away her dignity, friends, reputation, money etc.
Only on one or two occasions has she even mentioned in passing that maybe she could have handled things differently, but she has never said she did anything wrong or that there was an inappropiate relationship.

I had sort of a breakdown a while ago, overwhelmed by everything; finances, marital uncertanty, kids growing up, possible mid life crisis all wrapped into one. severe anxiety type attack, left work and everything.

Been doing alot of praying, trying to stay busy. Think I'm suffering from depression or despair but I really dont want to get on meds, dont need any of the side affects that I read about. I feel like I can make it if she finds another job that might bring her confidence back. and the finances improve maybe we can get to something like what we had. I think the finances always brings everything back up. Trying to spend more time with the kids.

I think she is suffering from depression too. She basically stays in the house doing housework type things. Sometimes that sets her off, when she gets caught up and she feels like there's nothing to do. I feel like I cant recomend anything or give advice because its my fault she is there. Everytime I try to help or make suggestions she feel like Im controlling so I just keep quiet.

It really hit home the other day when she got on one of her spells, my oldest (middle school) asked me why I did it. He tries to understand, and puts the blame on OM, but I think its wearing on him too. It hurts. I just tell him it will be ok and not to loose his faith.

She wont go to counseling, wont hardly go to church because she feels bad about herself. She has some serious esteem issues now. I feel responsible. She tries harder to deal with some days than others. I dont know how long it will last. I fear that if we go bankrupt that would be a bad sign for us, but we may not have much choice.

I know this update is sorta depressing in itself but at least we are together and trying and I havent given up hope.

pray for us.

Well, you might have ruined your kids' summer, but you did the right thing for their future, and the right thing to give your marriage the best shot. She SHOULD start getting over this soon. If not, then YOU get some counseling, if she refuses to go.

thanks for the reply believer.
I hope she gets over it soon, the longer it takes her to find another job, the longer it will take for her to get over it.
I know from past issues that some things never go away completly.
we'll just have to weather it out. counseling is a tuff issue.