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Thank you Strv4Btr
Actually, I really never did leave - he did. Oh, I kicked him out a million times or I left for a day or two... but I really was just too scared of everything to follow through with any plans that made any sense at all.
After we divorced, my main criteria in choosing my next mate was
1. no physical abuse
2. no cheating
that was pretty much it.. because both of those were so prevalent in my former marriage, that that was all I hoped for...
should have been alot fussier -- and -- worst of worst --- he did cheat on me...... for years
that is why I come here every day to learn and grow - which I do... thanks so much
carnation
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How long have you been D? I'm sorry but I'm not familiar with your sitch. LOL...I'm sure that you have more criteria than that: I think when I'm ready I will have a long list...one no alcohol abuse...tons of affection...LOL He withheld so much and I dreamed of romance so much! Little gifts here and there...to feel appreciated...loved...like I was number one! Complimented from time to time... Are you in a recovery program? I'm glad that you are here... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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A brief history -
Married for over 20 years to a successful businessman, so if you were to see us out, you would think we were to be envied for appearance sakes. He was extremely phys abusive and had several blantant affairs. We had 3 children.
We got divorced in 1996 - enter Mr. Lustbucket... fell in love/lust with him the first time he called me sugar with his thick southern drawl... the complete (so I thought) opposite of my XH... exactly what I was looking for.
We married quickly and have been together for over 10 years. Apparently, much much evidence points this way - he had a LTA with a much younger OW. Not sure if it is over as he will not admit to this.... therefore - no recovery since no where to start from...
I am settleling again....
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Married for over 20 years to a successful businessman, so if you were to see us out, you would think we were to be envied for appearance sakes. Please do not take this the wrong way. I am, in no way, boasting !!! Just trying to paint a picture... and, not a very pretty one at that !!! I certainly do not want to come across as well... boasting about my former life.... not anything really there to boast about marriage wise, for sure..... Although people should know and I am sure do - that abuse knows no social/economic boundries... Once again, sorry if I came across as well - you know carnation
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MEDC,
Thank you for sharing, taking a stand, adding the link article, raising the banner, offering a hand up. What a travesty. Poor, poor, poor, child. His world has been scarred forever.
Walking or getting away though is complicated for many.
Often there are so few safety support nets to make the transition. Cultural conditioning. Wedding vows-wedlock, without skilled training/preparation. Unrealistic hope. Dealing with anti-social personalities is beyond normal folks abilities.
As you know. Parent leaves the situation. Courts hand the kids over to the offender anyways. Parental rights, child protection ??? Single absence of the parent forced into survival mode supporting the children at menial wages.
The schools/streets are wide open to targeting vulnerable children to fill the vacuum. Complex.
Mindful of the damage done to the victim of internal conflict of illicit shame/fear, self- blame/guilt grief makes it’s a tough hurdle.
Powerful, courageous, moving survival/thrivers stories everyone!
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(((Carnation)))
You have been through enough! I am so sorry for you for all you have suffered/endured! You are so brave!
The narcisstic entitlement program is so ingrained.
You are correct stating abuse knows no social/economic boundries...
How sad people have forgotten what it is like to be a human being. Lost generations, lost legacies, lost men, lost women, lost children. The cycle goes on.
Not your fault. 2nd x around. Could happen to anyone. You are getting wiser and stronger. Look how much was taken from your heart/soul. You will recover. Intergrate your loss & regain your true self.
Lots of grief to work out. Lots of sadness. Worth working out as it is such a humanizing process.
Tossing a giant bouquet your way. Your makin it.
May your day today sparkle.
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(((Strivn))) Love your good will sun spun spunky energetic spirit! I marvel at how much you have been through. You have great soul drive! Atta gal keep it up! Your makin it! Hope today is brighter! Big bouquets to you too! Your shining bright and strong! Your a thriver! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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Thanks so much Skylite.
My first marriage was very shallow and cold.. I was emotionally separated from him. For that reason, his affairs really did not *bother* me.... of course, I was so beaten down by him that I felt like I did not deserve much better... truly
I fell pretty hard for my current H and consequently... fell real hard when he truly did - break my heart...
Since reading here on this board -- I have almost turned into another person !! The wisdom from the posters here has made me see life entirely in a different way..
And, for that I am very thankful and come back and read and read... you never know how far a kind word will go ~~~
((( MB )))
carnation
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Carnation, What choice did you have but too dissociate? You had no control and were in a state of helplessness. Drilled into you were some type of worthless nothing. Who wouldn't be numb? Sounds like you were living in hyperaroused state of anxiety and fear constantly. How you needed to protect yourself. One does what they need to do to survive. In a scary overwhelming severe situation of mistreatment. Natural to think your current H would be a human being and civilized. Bad timing. There is a that ole ploy Charm to Harm. Very unwarranted to be treated in a treacherous fashion. This time the cycle of your long term trauma has been interupted. You are giving explicit voice to what happened. Gaining optimistic hope, tools, awareness & support. A chance for self re-newal here. Many of us here are connected to trauma and have been so fragmented in many ways. Ability to re- connect, pick up pieces of our lost selves and regain new ones. A do it yourself parts department. I think you are a very strong, brave person to have survived & that you have emerged as a REAl, AUTHENTIC PERSON! Some virtual flowers for you to let you know you are thought about. ((())) http://www.800florals.com/virtual2/0682V.htm
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Skylite - thank you so much for the kind, wise words.
and the flowers !!!!
When you give ~ you get back ten-fold
thanks again, carnation
Actually registered ~ Jan 2005
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Sk & Carn... I am glad this topic has allowed you two to bond. Let me know if I can be of any help!
Best of luck to the both of you.
MEDC
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Hi, Sky, thank you for the compliments and the flowers. I greatly appreicate it, especially today when I'm a little down...no big deal, I'll get over it... I guess it's just hard to see STBX when I pick up the kids...LOL...you know, cause I still love him and all...but know I can't stay... Carnation- WOW, how great are you! Thank you for sharing, I am learning from you...and Sky, really...I love the Charm to Harm... perhaps you can help Stressedwife, I am VERY concerned for her right now...she's posting in the D thread...MEDC, you too, please...anyone...she actually has too threads there.... I'm still having trouble with the guilt...second guessing...I don't know I'll get over it, I'm sure...just need to work through it... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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Carn, My pleasure! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Wish the flowers were real! Ventilation & Validation will get you thru! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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Medc,
Thankyou, for your kind words & outreach.
This topic bonds all of us, one way or another.
Coming from high risk occupational groups,& your sit.
Your realities must spin with impact/compassion fatigue.
We're here for you, too!
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Hi Strivn,
Thankyou, for your very kind words.
Soooo sorry to hear your experincing a low plateau of a grief day. Perfectly, normal. Fresh wounds.
Survivor's guilt sneaks up too, when you see your wh. Emo trigger reminders that he didn't make it through his challenges.
Disappointing. Okay, to experince those feelings of loss.
Detachment doesn't usually happen all at once for most folks. Once the acceptance stage arrives. Feels so much better.
Charm to Harm. Yeah. What an a cardic eye-opener. PAIN/DRAIN. Oh the word play here.
Your doing wonderfully! Warm huggs!There are days that are just TOUGH/HARD. How it is, dealing with hardened people.
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Medc, Thank you, again posting the article! Here's some flowers for you! Your turn! For effort! http://www.800florals.com/virtual5/card20.htmGotta get to the greenhouses!
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Thank you for the flowers and the kind words. Keep me in mind if you ever run into anyone on this site that is suffering from abuse... I can and will be available to offer them help.
All you ladies should be so proud of the place that you are at now... against the odds that were stacked against you. I will check out stessedwifes thread.
MEDC
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PS
I have enough post-traumatic stress about this issue (from my childhood) that just reading the one story from yesterday, combined with reading Rin's situation brought back the nightmares and most of the night wide awake afraid to go to sleep.
The impact of violence on children is so not noticed by most people - but it's been 30 years since I left home and I still feel it!
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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