I am new to this area. See http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3186080 - previous posts to "Just Found Out". DDAY - Jan 2, 2007 , PA and EA by WH over a year ago. A prompted by extensive travel out of town on part of WH and problems in the marriage (DJ, and lack of POJAA). WH has indicated a desire to rebuild, but like many WS does not want to address the issues at all - shove it under the rug and be done with it.

NOW WHAT? He will be home for good - no more travel in a few weeks - will require great adjustment - like military families just to not drive each other crazy. In addition, I do not feel like he has offered me any just compensation or even thinks it is necessary. In the few weekends that he has been home since DDay and initial tear-filled "let's communicate and meet each other's needs first weekend", we have made no progress. In fact, we are right back to old patterns - none good -- keep busy, avoid discussion of "us", sex that does not meet emotional needs.

Need advice - If I feel I need to discuss the affair (not the action of the affair - the OW, events etc.) but what caused it, how we allowed it to happen - both our roles, what I need now (EN's, therapy, expectations etc.), am I not just making big withdrawals from the love bank? I know I can't bring up the A in anger and I am trying very hard not to do that. But, I need some discussion and don't know how to get there. I believe as the BS that I have the right to set some expectations (ie - therapy, attention to both our emotional needs, time for us to talk, etc.) but then I don't know how to do it (tell him my expectations) without causing a big fight and upsetting our son (10).

I am stuck now - no longer in PAIN, but in a FOG -- which way to go and no one is listening - not even the chair. I am willing to restore, and he has indicated same willingness, but not sure how to proceed. Plan B doesn't seem like a good option, but maybe I am wrong. Please help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

welcome to MB,

Is you H willing to go to counciling. Have you thought of counciling with the Harley's

Could you give more info...
How many years married, how long the affair, kids etc...

Your DD isn't that long ago... you still need time to adjust. Have you read up on PlanA and B. I think you should plan A, it seems to early for PLan B.

Still

Still Hurting and others, see here is the thing.. just realized that for you all to give best advice you needed to know more, so I changed my signature - included info about the previous betrayal that I am AWARE of. Then, Still Hurting, I see your signature --- your history, and I see the same pattern and I want to scream --- NO MORE - I do not want to waste precious time God has given me only to be betrayed again. Did that make sense? I am aware of 2 betrayals and although neither of us has ever "left" the marriage, I see your history and think I am foolish if I do not anticipate that it will continue and not end well. So why continue, get on with life and all it has to offer?!

I really have no way of knowing how many other betrayals (flings - not affairs) have happened due to the distance we both accepted as ok -- key word - both of us accepted so I can't blame it just on him traveling for job. I allowed it. On the other hand, I remain VERY ANGRY that in all this time (years) of being separated because of HIS job, I have not betrayed our vows, never even thought about it until the last month. Even then, I resisted BUT felt a great loss of dignity - made it so much easier to resist!

I am rambling, guess you all have been there. Need to get over the resentment.... ideas anyone? Question remains - have read forgiveness and moving on articles - still wonder if I am being foolish (how many times must a 2X4 slam into your head before you get it????)

Still Hurting, I just realized that what I wrote likely hurt your feelings. I am sorry that I was not sensitive to your feelings - can't imagine the pain you are feeling and I am sorry you are going through this. You do not deserve it. Please forgive me for not first recognizing this before I went off on my own pain. I look forward to hearing from you again - maybe we can help each other.

I am,

No offense taken.... yes I hurt but not because of anything you said. I hurt because of my WH betrayal.

Let me try to put this in words a little better. Not all the WS have had multiple affairs. They do become FWS as you can tell by those positing here. Some are here showing much remorse and wanting to make thier marriages better. My WH has never shown much remorse. Almost like he was entitled. But for many years prior to his first A he wasn't like that. I think some of this is MLC.

If and when my M definately ends I have to know I did everything I could to save it. Although many times I felt like you have like don't let the dorr hit you in the behind. What I think I'm trying to get across is you may feel differently tomorrow.

When I filed in October I thought I was ready... if you look at my thread you'd see the last 2 months I have been struggling. Dealing with infidelty is a rollercoaster ride.

Yes we can help each other... and others here also are very helpful

Still

Well, I caught up on your back posts and figured out how you got from there to here. I have a lot of hope for your relationship, because your husband won't be away so much. So far, he is doing the right thing.

The reason for his cheating is probably just because he was far away and could. I know, not very comforting.

Now that you have gone through all of this, you don't want to settle for an average marriage. It needs to be better than before.

If I were you, I would get some counseling from right here - the phone counseling by the Harleys. It is expensive ($180. an hour), but they cut to the chase.

If you can't do that, get regular marriage counseling, but be sure it is with someone very experienced in infidelity.

You will need to do a lot of talking about what happened, and your husband will probably prefer to forget it happened at all. That will not help your marriage.

I am so glad to hear that I did not offend you - I can be a bit insensitive even though I definitely do not mean to be-getting better at it on the board thanks to some experienced posters! We sound alot alike - I also want to be sure I do everything possible - our son needs it (10) and I need it. Agree - we are on a wild roller coaster and day by day (thank god it is no longer minute by minute!) we feel differently. Please don't think I was judging your actions, just worrying about my own future and wondering if I am a fool to think he will ever change. At what point, I wonder, do we "accept the things we cannot change" - can we "accept" and if not, what are next steps?

At what point will we both be ready to get off the roller coaster and instead "cruise" along on a steady sail boat with nice breezes in our hair and fresh air filling our lungs?

Don't know about you.... I'm not there yet, others (family members) are pushing me in that direction, but I can't let them steer "the ride".

Then we read stories from spouses (those who cheated and those who overcame and the joy they find) and I WANT THAT -- reminds me of the Garth Brooks song -- "The Dance" - something like "could have avoided the pain, but then would have missed the dance"........

Sweet sentiment in that song - gives hope - then I hear the songs on my husband's my space - now deleted because I insisted - "Lips of an Angel" - all about separation and cheating and deception - "honey why you calling me so late, can't talk, she's in the other room" etc......

Then I also think about a movie - hang in here with me - kind of odd.... Pet Cemetary -- a line "the heart is a stony place".... it can be hardened and not changed easily which leaves me to wonder who has the hardest heart because of affairs and can either of us ever soften enough for lasting happiness?

Sorry if this was all a bit too philosophical tonight.... look forward to talking with you...

Believer, I am very happy you responded. I have been very worried that I offended you and had lost the opportunity for your valuable advice! We can afford counseling, thanks to insurance. I want it, don't know that he will go along with it - already did that several years ago. You suggested we need to talk. I REALLY need advice on HOW to talk with him about future - not about the affair itself - nothing else I want to know or talk about. I have already contacted her and know as much as I need. BUT, can't figure out how to move forward in discussing what I think HAS to be done to restore our marriage --- what we both need to do - sounds like a child, I know! Ideas?

Don't worry about me ever being offended. I just lost track of your thread.

On the home page here there are articles about restoring the marriage, overcoming resentment, etc. Check those out when you have time.

The best time to make changes is soon after he comes home, while this is still fresh. The more time that goes by, the harder it is to change anything.

I know that it doesn't really help the pain, but it is much more hopeful to me when there was distance and the affair started. My ex started his affair right under my nose. That is harder to explain away.

Have you thought about the actions you will need to restore the marriage?

You wrote, "The best time to make changes is soon after he comes home, while this is still fresh. The more time that goes by, the harder it is to change anything. "

That makes sense. Not much I can do on a weekend trip - he will be here in just a few hours this Friday evening and leave again on Sunday. Should I talk to him this weekend and let him know that there is much to be done on both our parts - and that in another few weeks when he comes home we will have to make changes? He knows that my unconditional demand is that he no longer continues to work out of town once he returns - if company wants him to do so, he will find another job. I sent him links to some materials - the forgiveness materials last night. Don't know if he had a chance to read before he arrives - probably not - sent them late. After the first coupld of weeks of anger, I found myself just wanting to PLEASE him in every way. That is not necessarily realistic, since I am not seeing the same thing from him (in communication, daily stuff, sex). So I have to find some middle ground and honesty here with him this weekend. What would that be? Don't want either of us to give up, make coming home a venture to ****** for either of us, or a "let's just pretend nothing is going on" thing either. Wow, I really don't know how I will act. He'll be here in just a couple of hours - help from anyone is NEEDED!

LOL- when we first started dating, he worked out of town also. He was coming home on a Friday evening. I WAITED for him in his bed in sexy lingerie at his apartment like a cat! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Really sexy stuff except for the horrible cramp in my legs and hips as I posed myself JUST RIGHT for his return - took much longer than I expected. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />Don't remember what happened when he came home, only the cramps of preparing for the visit (LOL). hummmmm..............

Maybe tonight, I will brush my teeth, put on my favorite sweats and pose myself on the couch. Either way, cramps are there.........LOL - ok no poses or lingerie- he would see through it. And I am too tired.........................

IAIS,

Your reaction to want to please is really normal...healthy, even. You're remembering acts of love, demonstrating desire to connect...after such a huge disconnect, isn't it reasonable? Not crazy?

You got a kick out of yourself back then...I know I did. I love your remembrance...you're not alone.

For this weekend...how about listen and repeat? Really listen to what he shares...and share your stuff as yours...reconnection takes time...sharing...knowing. Judging kills reconnection in a heart beat...monitoring his body language, inflection, even eye contact.

Has he recommitted to your marriage or to working on it for a set period of time? Have you? From your goals, you'll know your own acts and where they are coming from.

I don't think no-travel is a unreasonable marital boundary. My DH had to make that choice years ago when to continue up in his company, he either had to choose to be gone three weeks a month or stay where he was, at the same level.

We had three young sons and I said, "I won't do it alone. I need you here." And he chose to stay...and stay...and it wasn't a resentment of his. Thanks for reminding me of that. I cherish these great decisions he made...and I believe they make the difference...we live our priorities, whether we do it consciously or not.

Would you ask yourself to stay aware this weekend? Sounds odd, even to me...what I'm asking is not getting caught up in the lightning thoughts in your head...clear out the noise and hear to hear...be present...and aware?

I vote lingerie, btw...and no posing.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA