To tell my story shortly, my man has told me that he wants to see the OW and has left me. The OW initially lied to her husband and said that she was not seeing my man, later she admitted they had been seeing each other and said she wanted a divorce, later she changed her mind and wanted her marriage back. I have talked to the OWH but I don't know at all what has happened between them the last weeks.

I got a suggestion in another thread that I and the OWH should knock on my mans door and see if he is with the OW. I suspect that he will see her today. I know that they have not met privately for 3-4 weeks and they will not meet again for the next few weeks since he is going away. When we were talking about this weekend he said that we can not meet today. First he told me that he is having guests today (he did not say who) and later he told me that he is busy baking a cake today (all day???).

I have been thinking hard about calling the OWH and ask if his wife will go out today but I asked a friend and she advised me not to. She said that
1. She thinks it will just make my man mad and make reconciliation between us hard
2. I can not be sure that he is going to see the OW and if they are not seeing each other and she is recovering her marriage it will just make her husband worried.
3. If she is seeing my man the story may be that her husband knows about it but thinks that it will blow over eventually. In that case he will just get embarrassed.

So I have not called the OWH. You BS's out there, what do you think? Do you see any drawbacks with calling him? What if she has told him she wants a divorce and he knows she is seeing my man, do you think he will get upset if I call him?

I would appreciate any thought about this. I just called my man and said that I am going out for a walk and asked if I can drop by. He said "no you can't" and did not explain why. I am quite sure there is something going on.

((( Will )))

So sorry that you are going through this sweetie.

Yes - I would call OWH asap

are you in Plan A ? As I am really not an expert, hopefully some who are will help you out soon. Just wanted to let you know that I hear you and I would contact OWH - now.

Sincerely, carnation

Yes, you should call him! Of course it will make your WH mad, because you will be interfering with his affair! The standard line here is something like "your marriage can withstand anger; it cannot withstand an affair."

CALL! And then you can BOTH go by and visit your H together.

You keep calling him "Your man." Are you married? Knowing your status will help us help you.
shellybird

((((will))))
my heart goes out to you

ok, ask yourself...what are you going to get out of going over there??? #1expect that she will be there..expect to feel like dirt....call owh...get him as an ally, you can work on this from both sides....post more about your sitch...are you in plan A...how long is this going on


hang in there...there is more traffic during the week

I would be showing up at his house, with or without the OW's husband.

The are you married question is very important. If you are... get over to that house and camp out if you need to. Hopefully you can get the buy in of the OWH.

If you are not married, do you have children together? If so, I would proceed as noted above. If there are no children and no marriage... well, cut bait and let him sink on his own. Move on to find yourself a better man and a better life.

MEDC

Thank you all for your replies. I know that there is more traffic here during the week but I think they are meeting today.

We are not married but we have lived together for 8 years and were trying to have a baby when he suddenly just ran off and started this affair. I know that many people think that I should not waste my time on him, partly since we are not married, but we promised each other that we would stay together and build a life as a family.

But since we are not married and since he has told me that he wants to see the OW I don't see that I can make any demands on him. But the OWH and OW are still married; the problem is that I don't know if they have decided to file for divorce.

If she is cheating and lying I would like to get it out in the open. I believe in what I have often read here, that affairs thrive in secrecy and darkness. I don't know if you have the saying about trolls (or is it ogres?) in English, that if the sun falls upon a troll it will burst. Something along that line is what I am thinking.

Anyway, I am going over there now, but I will snoop around to see if he is alone or not. Somehow I suspect that he just wants to make me curious and nervous and is not seeing her today. If I think she is in there I will call OWH asap.

Why would you want to be with someone that would not only cheat on you but also have a hand in messing up another family. Without kids, frankly you have no reason to stay just because of the "promise" to stay together. You are not family at this point... you are merely dating a man that is cheating on you with a married woman.

Why are you settling and selling yourself short?

My standard opinion about pre-marriage cheating is this:

end the relationship 100% (unless there is a child, in that case, co-parent, but do not date)

do not begin any romantic relationship with another person for a year

then begin dating whoever appears to be good marriage material (the first cheater if they have grown spiritually and emotionally, or someone new)

Pep

I completely agree:

What can I say, I have known him for 12 years and he has always been the most honest and reliable person I can imagine. I can not believe that he is gone forever. We have been a couple for 10 years and that is a very long time. And I still love him, unfortunately.

The affair started when I was depressed and I behaved really badly. I know it is no excuse for him to have an affair, especially with a married woman, but I actually told him several times to go out and find someone else because I was such a wreck. He was also depressed and I think that he is still not mentally stable. If there is something left of the person I have known he will regret this when he gets out of the mad hormone surge or whatever it is that he is in.

Will,

I understand where you are coming from. The problem lies in why you haven't been married yet. That is the strings attached commitment. Living togeter, dating, etc aren't quite the same.

Please understand I am not trying to diminish your R or the love you have.

Everything up to M in my very humble opinion is like test driving a car.

If you went to a car dealership and got into the car and it squeeked, bumped, stalled etc would you buy it hoping it got better after you bought it?

Even if you did something wrong he is running around.

So the bottom line is the easier, legally and family speaking, that it is to walk away then that is the advice you will get.

Even people in short term M's with no kids usually get the same type of advice.

I have already gone through this in another thread. We talked about marriage but we did not want a wedding and we told each other that things were good as it was. I have always said that I don't want to marry anyone ever. Here in Sweden many couples build families and plan to stay together for their whole life without getting married. For example, half of my colleagues who are at least 10 years older than I are not married to their partner and most of them have children.

I don’t want him if he continues to behave like this. I want him to realise what he has done wrong, both to me and the OW's family, and I want him to grow. I am not sure that I could not do the same thing and in that case I would appreciate if my best friend would care for me.

My original question here was if I should call the OWH and I have not called him. I am still not sure that the OW was going there and I don’t want to worry him without good reason.

The answer to your question is yes, you should call the OWH's. He deserves to know that his wife is lying and cheating on him. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you?

Unfortunately, you may never "get him to realise what he has done wrong." I'm sorry, I know it hurts. I do agree with the others here that as much as it hurts, you should move on, because you DO deserve better and it takes years to recover from affairs. You do NOT want to bring innocent children into this relationship. You deserve better.

Dr. Harley lays out a very good argument against living together without marrying. He's written a book about this and there's likely an article on this website, although I don't have the direct link. It's called "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders." It may help you understand why most here will be sympathetic to your pain, but advise you to grieve and move on to a better relationship.

Take care,
Shellybird

Here's a link that explains the concept, although it's not exactly your situation.

Take care and let us know how you are doing.

Shellybird

http://marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025_qa.html

Yesterday he sent me an e-mail (he was on a business trip from Monday to Wednesday) and wanted to talk to me. He wrote that he wanted to explain his strange behaviour on Sunday.

He told me that the OW had been in his apartment and that he did not know why he did not tell me. He said that he was ashamed of himself for not telling me the truth but I told him that he has no obligation to tell me anything but that I appreciate that he tells me the truth. At that point he started to cry and looked at me with puppy eyes (I don’t mention that to tell you how cute and innocent he is but rather how devastated he was at the time).

He also said that he has told the OW that he will not see her anymore unless she divorces her husband. He said that he has realised that he can not live like this anymore. I asked him if the OWH knows how much they have been seeing each other and he said that he thought so. Then I asked him if he does not think it is strange that the OWH does not throw out his wife if he knows everything and I believe that actually made him think.

He told me that the OW has said that she loves him but I got the impression that he was not sure about her. He said that it is absurd that she says that to him while she is living with her husband. We had a long conversation and I got a feeling that he is thinking a lot more now.

I know that I should move on and I will. I think I will break contact with him for at least a few months but then we will see what happens. If he comes to me half a year from now and has thought everything over and regrets that he has been involved in this affair I will probably take him back. But it may not happen and in that case I will probably be happy somewhere else :-)

I called the OWH and told him about the ultimatum about the divorce. He knew about it and he thought it is positive for them. I got the impression that their marriage is improving. I told him to spend the next few weeks plan A'ing his butt off. I believe that the OW is so unstable that small details may be enough to push her in one direction or the other.

It sounds like he peeked out of the fog a bit. They are almost never ashamed of their poor behavior.

Continue in Plan A. These affairs always end. It is great that you are talking to the OW's husband. Continue with that too.