I am trying to Plan A my BH (maybe WH) and am having a hard time sticking with the program ... what is your best Plan A advice???

Looking forward to the answer on this one.

My issue is how long to allow the cake eating.

originally planned for 6 months but now I am at the three month mark and already thinking of switching to a sort of Plan B mode.

my best advice...

take care of yourself, eat, sleep, have fun. work on issues that need to be worked on (nagging, cleaning, whatever)

be the girl he fell in love with... spend time together doing fun stuff, dress to impress, cook to impress, go out, flirt, have fun.

be the person he wants to come home to... dont nag, have the stuff that should be done done, make time to make him feel special.

My H cut off contact with the SOW pretty quickly after D-day, although he still worked with her for a couple of months (contact about once a week). My best advice is pretty much the same as Justletgo's...make his time with you, phone calls, etc. something to look forward to, my H's biggest fear was that I would never get over the A and would throw it up in his face forever and always. It was hard, but I didn't do that (much)..of course, I had questions, and I asked him what she had to say to him the times he did have to be where she was, but generally I tried to project the image that I was ready to move along and work on us if he was, and I was. If he was still activly in the A...well, I doubt if I could have pulled it off, but everyone's situation and tolerance level is different.

Plan A = Really long first date.

Constantly trying to fix the relationship will drive anyone away pretty quickly. OK, WS lied and continues to lie....It is what they do.

So, would you like fried chicken or steak for dinner tonight.

(Sure beats "Why can't you just agree to work things out and stop all this running around with OP?")

Mark

I second everything JustLetGo said.

Also, my best advice would be to ask everyone you know for prayers. You don't have to be specific. Out of the dozens of people who I asked to pray for me and H, only one (my mom) knew what she was praying for. I know my friends prayers are what gave me strength to keep up the Plan A. It is hard to do, but it works.

How do you let go of the pain of knowing they are in an A while in Plan A? Do you fake it or do you just say "it will end one day, and until then I'm going to give him a reason to end it?"

T_F_C,

You change what you need to change. You work on what you have control over. You work on being a better YOU. You can't fix HIM, so you fix your own stuff and pray that he gets to the point where he will fix his stuff. Either way, you are better than before and end up being the best you possible.

As for the pain, you just have to deal with it and give it time. Working on yourself will eventually give you peace and the pain will lessen each passing day.

I can tell you from experience that for a BS, the pain is sort of omnipresent. It gets better, but I don't know if it is ever gone completely. I haven't been at this long enough to know for sure. In my case, A is over, soon after Dday, mainly, I think because of exposure and prayer, but partly because I reached a point where I was willing to move on alone if need be. I realized that I would survive and be better in the end, regardless of the outcome.

Have you done enough snooping to know that he is having his own A? Besides the "I need space," speech, what other indicators are there?

Mark

1. Way too many phone calls and text msgs in a day
2. Friends tell me they are together all the time
3. He spent our anniversary with her (or so I'm told)
4. IM log w/ another girl - he's apparently spending the night with this week while out of town
5. Clings to the cell phone like his life depends on it
6. Deletes all text msgs out of the phone to both women
7. Has changed passwords to most everything

I'm sure I probably left something out ...

I didn't read all the responses here but my best Plan A advice:

1) Expect that there will be contact and expect that he is lying. DO NOT let these things sabotage your Plan A. Try to put them on the way backburner for now.

2) Obstacles are those scary things you see when you take you eyes off of the goal.

One more thing -

Study Orchids babble back technique. Learn how to babble back.

Where would I find that?

Never mind ... I got it! ROFL