I am new to this forum,and have read many great things here
My husband of almost 9 years,been together for almost 12 years,has had enough of our marriage,I am mostly to blame,I did abuse alchol,and then got addicted to prescription meds from my sych Dr.,he thiks there was a affair,which there was not,I was out doing my thing,but there is no way of convicing him otherwise,I did sign myself into detox,and have been in a twelve step program since,and sober
I know what I was doing was wrong,and no he would love nothing more than for me to leave,sign over house and children,the house not a problem,my kids no way,I was still here to raise them,I did not do this everyday,and torwards the end last couple months,it was bad,I am trying to do what is right,he has been going to al anon for over a year,
My thing is I love this man so much,all I ever wanted was a family,we have 3 small children,he says all at once,he does not love me anymore,and can never ever trust me again,is it too late,does anyone think I can ever rebuild this trust again,I know I hurt him,and it hurts me more than he will ever undrestand,right now I am doing what I am supposed to do,because I know I want a better life for me and my kids,but want him so much to be a part of,he is very strong willed and minded,very seldom changes his mind,how can I mean nothing to him now?thanks

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be. Congratulations on getting clean and sober, and staying in a 12 Step program.

There is always lots of hope. Please continue working on changes in you, and also check out the emotional needs questionnaire here. See if you can start meeting his top emotional needs, if he will let you.

It will take some time to show him that you are changing, so please be patient. Don't leave your home, or your children, and let him know that you don't want a divorce.

He knows I do not want a divorce,he knows I still Love him more than ever
He says he cannot forget any of things that has happened,I am not leaving the home,he says he will allow me to stay for year,so I can get it together,then he will file for divorce,but he has made it very clear,he is done with our marriage,and wants me only as a friend,It is hard to deal with that,but I do wnat more than ever to be clean,I do not understand how you can loose all love for someone that fast,I wish I did know,then I would not hurt as bad as I do
Thanks for your encouragement,I apprciate it,and take care

lriffs...

I want to suggest something...and it doesn't take away from your great ownership of your half of the marriage...big kudos on getting help, doing AA, and knowing what you value most in your life...

Welcome.

First, please know that humans say they are done with something...that could be done with feeling the same way, same frustration, maybe done with recalling the past over and over again...until your H chooses to file for D and you are served...respect his statements as his truth, not The Truth, 'k?

Next, your H sounds very much like he's in an affair...either an EA or PA...what means do you have for finding out without asking him? Cell records, emails?

You are capable, whole, complete and marvelously made, Lriff. Even if he is in an EA, a wayward state of mind (which comes from entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect)...you can save your marriage.

For you.

For your H.

For your children.

Our love banks can feel like they drop into the negative from Love Busters (LBs)...and your drinking and med addictions were big time LBs...however...you're not doing them anymore, correct? You're finding your real power (the addictions are false power, not real)...you're learning ownership instead of blame...you're on your way to be your whole, authentic, fantastic self...

Very much worth fighting for, I'd say.

In your life, you've given yourself permission to act from your feelings...feel love, act loving. That's actually backwards, btw. When we act from love, we have loving feelings. Resentment gets in the way and blocks our signals (which are our feelings to us about our beliefs)...

Remember, you're real...he may not feel loving feelings (especially if he's dwelling on what you did, not what you're doing now from all that resentment he created and built up) for you right now...in no way means he doesn't love you. We choose to believe we love...and you've got history together...you're the real half of your marriage...anyone else, even an affair with resentment, is fantasy.

You're real. Know this.

Stop hurting over what you don't know yet...live in the present...it is where reality dwells...you know this from AA. Your turn to be strong, clear-headed and focused on living from truth, acting from your own love.

Read up on Plan A here on this website...read about Emotional Needs (ENs) and LBs and the four rules of marriage...when you change you, the whole world changes.

I promise.

You can do this. There are many others here who are owning their lives, doing amends, choosing to act from respect and love...and it's beautiful, brave and the only way to get where humans thrive...

You are not alone.

LA

OK, Iriffs - if you are real:

Congratulations on becoming sober. How long since detox? How long in AA/NA?

I suspect you need to talk to your sponsor pretty darn quickly. You need the program and you need it right now.

This very thing you are going through is common in AA/NA. I have seen the other side of it in Al Anon many times.

Most people are surprised to learn how many divorces occur AFTER the drunk spouse sobers up once and for all.

You becoming sober has changed the balances in your relationships. Upset the status quo.

But this is good. Very good. Really!

The best thing for you is to stay sober and use the next year to prove to yourself you can stay sober.

Which, surprisingly enough usually proves to the spouse too.

Also, study up on Plan A here on MB.

He may be having an affair, but he probably isn't. This sounds typical of new found sobriety in a marriage.

In any case, you need plan A, for you and for him. (In AA/NA you will be plan A'ing yourself, you know. In fact Dr Harley started out as a drug and alcohol counselor and discovered that affairs are a type of addiction too. Hence the similarities between MB methods and addiction treatment.)

You can do this.

With prayers,

I know he is not in a affair,would totally shock me if he was,I go to meetings every day,sometimes two a day,and I do want marriage to work,he is not even willing to try,says he is finished,he can never forget in his head,how I was,kind of feel sorry,he has been in al anon for over a year,and he still holds onto that type of resentment,for me that resentment is deadly,I have only been out of detox for 15 days,but I do know in my heart I have to do this for me,I have had a drinkn in over a year,the pills replaced the alchol for me,it numbed just as well,kind of upsets me,he is finding no fault of this marriage,but I keep my shut,and carry on,I know I cannot dwell on anything,yesterday os gone,thanks for the wonderful advice,I am so glad I found this forum,take care

Hiya Iriffs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I tend to ramble so if you find something useful in what I have to say, I'll be happy. People are creatures of habit. And people expect people to be creatures of habit. 15 days out of detox is a marvelous accomplishment. For your husband, though, he may not see it as much . . . yet.

Psychologically speaking, in relationships, especially marriages, spouses make affair accusations based on fear and over half the time because they're in one and the fear is of being discovered. If you're not having an affair, don't sweat the accusation too much. Don't get lax in assuming he's not in one either. I'm not saying to go looking for trouble, but there are signs.

I agree with LA and APH. Plan A yourself and your husband. At 15 days, I didn't know which end was up, so you're doing well. Just remember, you have to love and respect yourself before you can love and respect someone else. Make you the best you that you can make. If hubby comes around, great. If he doesn't, then you're still a better person. The "just want to be friends" comment concerns me, though.

As far as this nonsense of him "letting" you stay for another year? This isn't a gentlemanly gesture, but more a statement of, "I'm tired of the way our marriage has been. If it ain't better in a year, I'll make a move." This is HIS truth, remember?

Don't add pressure. Try to discover what his needs are and try to meet them. I promise you, if there is love left in him for you, meeting his needs will bring it out.

Good luck and keep us posted. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If you can, find an all-men's Al Anon meeting and ask if he would attend that one for a while.

There are no, and I mean none, men in my Al Anon meeting that would cut your H any slack whatsoever at this time in your recovery. It's time for him to stand for what Al Anon, and marriage for that matter, is about.

Women in mixed Al Anon meetings though? Best for us married guys to attend men only meetings.

The problem is him feeling you are telling him what to do so late in the game. See what your sponsor says.

With Prayers,

he only goes to mixed al anon,has not ever missed in 57 weeks,he does have a male sponser,and to be honest,I know my sponser is tough,not sure what his sponser does,I do know the guy just came back from florida(we live in Ohio)after 5 months,,he talks to him on the phone everyday,quess he must say the big D is fine,we have 3 small children,It kills me to know my disease destroyed the family the love
All I can do is keep going to meetings and staying sober for me for once
I know I do noone any good if I am not
The house here is like walking on egg shells,never know what he is going to do next,he has been very secretive for almost 2 years,I had a cpo put on him last year,and they removed him from the home for almost 3 weeks,he still daily throughs it in my face,he never got over it,must be some good al anon meetings is all I can think,but in my sick head,I was positive he was doing it to me also,he never fully forgave me,he came back home,and says now,I thought I would try again,but he says he cannot forgive or forget,kind of feel sorry for him,to carry such a huge resentment around,I kinow I have to let things go today,if I do not then I am settting myself up for a huge blow,and I do not do well with disapointment,thanks again

Focus first on your own well-being and health. A fit your own oxygen mask first kind of thing.

Focus second on your family, your children. Be loving and caring and most of all, be there for them from now on.

Focus third on Plan A'ing your husband. He will eventually turn around. Be there for him too from now on. It will be a thankless exercise for a while. Maybe for a long while, but you have a huge amount of lost time to make up.

You have a lot on your plate. One bite at a time.

Oh, and stick around.

You will eventually get to Step 8. When you get there MB can help tremendously. Then H will notice. But I recommend you not rush things - take each step in order.

With prayers,

Something else - Al Anon is not the same as AA/NA. Different focus, different goals, different details.

Don't mix them up.

You stick with your plan and let H deal with his.

I hope some of the AA/NA experts show up on your thread soon. They can advise you better than I.

Maybe if your H came here eventually, after he sees your changes.

With prayers,

He doesn't have to try, iriffs, most people wouldn't tolerate that crap for long. Your drinking and drugging was such a huge lovebuster that I imagine he fell out of love and has huge resentments. As he should. That is what happens.

His resentment is a very normal, natural result of years of abuse. He would be abnormal if he didn't feel it. And if he thinks he can't get over it, then he is right to cut his losses and move on. As a fellow recoverng alcoholic [sober 22 years] I can tell you we are no are gift; we are a liability that most sane people wouldn't tolerate.

You have abused him alot longer than 15 days; it will take YEARS to prove yourself viable marriage material. Trust has to be earned, it is not an entitlement for selfish, self centered alcoholics who have no sobriety under their belt. If you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to focus on EARNING TRUST and changing yourself, not complaining that he doesn't trust you. He shouldn't trust you.

So, start working on IMPROVING yourself and making amends to your H, instead of complaining about the lot in life that you CREATED. You are owed nothing, iriff, if he stays, consider it a gift, not an entitlement. Hang in there, keep trying and be patient! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Iriffs,

I applaud you for putting yourself in detox and AA.

What prompted this decision to get sober? Was it him saying he wants a divorce? or something else? Did previous ultimatums not work, and only the realization that he is done?