Post deleted by needamiracle_mi

I'm married just about 15 years with 5 children. Don't let her go. Not this way. I agree about not forcing your son to stay although the custody arrangements are backwards. A 14 y boy needs his dad.

Advice: Be humble. Communicate the reality of the situation as concisely as possible. You've both been unfaithful to the covenant contract. It is what it is.

However, mutual forgiveness is critical. Forgiveness requires a surrender of the sense one has of being owed...owed an apology, an acknowledgement, or compensatory acts. YOU must forgive first, unconditionally. Vacate your heart of the rehearsal of pain from her past indiscretions. Of course, you will have to ask her to do the same. You will have to be patient and thoughtful in your speech and actions. You will have to date your wife again. One of the first casualties of infidelity is intimacy, the mental/spiritual/phyical connection that marks the marriage bond as being distinct from any other. If she resists your best efforts and counseling to resolve these issues, your choices will become more apparent.

By the way, your 'struggle' with thoughts is artificially magnified by your current circumstances. When your mind, body, and spirit find a reasonable measure of contentment, the 'struggle' to master that part of your thought life will not be noteworthy.

I pray for you all the best.

NAM,

Threats are abusive, too.

Now, in your state, can you file to have your W not remove one of your children from the state? I ask because if she wants out of the marriage, there are consequences.

Is she in an affair right now? Have you verified she isn't? Have you stated your goal is to save the marriage, get to a thriving one, and you're willing to do what it takes, your half, to get there?

What did you guys do to recover from her A?

Sounds like you didn't learn about boundaries...how to enforce them from her emotional abuse...which enables others to suffer from their own abusive actions and words, as well.

Have you proposed to go to MC, work on the marriage for one year, and after that time, if she wants to leave, you'll support her? You know you can't control her...no letting her or not...whether you support her in her choices is your own choice. Same for fighting for your marriage...learning a lot about what you do and think and why you do...growing side by side.

Always take threats seriously, beginning with, "You say you choosing to leave. I hear you are willing to break apart our family right now, is that correct?"

Wayward state of mind comes from entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. Flip this over and discover the ways you create and build resentment and if you are acting respectfully of knowing she's separate and equal to you in every way...that her stuff (her thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions and perspectives) is valid and her own...not yours. You have your own...know your own stuff and share. Listen and repeat. Act from respect and you will experience a radically different present.

I promise.

What LB's did you identify in yourself? How did you eliminate them? What are your own ENs? Hers?

You're in an awesome place to save your marriage...welcome. Sharing here is valuable to you, your marriage and everyone else...you ripple around the world. Thank you for being brave and acting on your love.

LA

Post deleted by needamiracle_mi

Post deleted by needamiracle_mi

NAM,

You are not a liar...you're a human being. Can't be both. When you lie by omission (right now) by not sharing your stuff...then you are choosing to lie by omission. Doesn't make you a liar.

Her calling you one doesn't make you one either. What it does is define you...and that's abusive. State that truth as it happens...and do the same when you catch yourself doing it to others.

Go along to GA, anyway.

She's your wife, you're her husband and this is your family. Those are facts, not opinions. Treat them as facts, 'k?

Who do you respect when you aren't respected? Really? You only give what you're getting? So if she punishes you, you punish back? If she loves you, you love her back? If she listens and repeats what you say, then you'll do it?

I told you how to choose for YOU to live from respect...changes everything by changing you. That's the main ingredient of the recipe you seek. When you make your actions/choices dependent on hers, you make her your master...who becomes your enemy. Don't make her your master.

As for how you share your feelings and thoughts...your choice...and if she steps on them...which means, tells you what to feel or not, think or not...then you enforce your boundaries.

You posted that you don't trust her with your feelings...you're not giving her your feelings...she's not responsible for them...you are...you are stating your feelings with the purpose to be known...and listening to know.

Do you believe she is responsible for what you feel? That she makes you and you make her feel certain emotions, think certain thoughts...convince each other to have certain beliefs or perceptions?

There is no recipe for changing another person...human alchemy doesn't exist...not in our human design...for a fantastic reason...we only have the power to change ourselves...which is sufficient unto the day...because when we change, everything changes.

How well do you hear her feelings and thoughts, separate from yours? Do you take them on as you making her? Like the porn revisited...do you believe you caused her 8 years of pain with it? Are you that powerful?

And if you aren't...how is it possible she is that powerful?

LA

Post deleted by needamiracle_mi

I think that I am missing something here, needamiracle. You say that the reason why she wants to leave you is because you looked at some dirty pictures 8 years ago, and that you noticed attractive women on the beach? That dog wont hunt. There is more to this story. Why now?

I highly doubt that the cause of your problems now is your thoughts, or stealing glances at other women. You do not describe your relationship with her fully, but let me ask you this: Does she respect you? I understand that you treat her well (the house on the river) or try to do so, but is it possible that you often feel like you are walking on eggshells?

How to deal with your situation.

First of all, you need to be open and honest. Do what you say, say what you do. You do not need to maliciously cause her pain by the truth, but you need to be able answer honestly, even if you need to sugar-coat it (“are you sure you want to know?”, “That question is pretty embarrassing to me to answer that…”, etc.)

Secondly, you need to reassure her that you care for her, that you love her, that she is the center of your life. For whatever reason she is threatened by you looking at porn or looking at other women. You need to reassure her, and chase away those fears that she has.

Thirdly, there is nothing wrong with looking at another woman. You are married not buried. You are still heterosexual, not Mrsneedamiraclesexual. Blaming you that you appreciate the looks of some woman is simply a non-sence.

Fourthly, you need to be apologetic that it makes her feel bad, but not be apologetic that you like the looks of other women. Ideally, your relationship should be solid enough that the next time you are in a crowd with her somewhere, you should be able to tell her which of the women in the crowd you like. You should not be afraid to let her know what you find attractive in a woman. Likewise, you should be apprised of what she finds desirable in guys.

Whilst I agree there seems to be more to this situation. I totally dont agree with the above statement. Perhaps she just realises what a totally unacceptable betrayal of your marriage vows it is, what a degrading act it is towards women kind, how it is a toatlly selfish act and that it that she simply expects more of her life partner who is a grown man who is able to make choices that either contribute to the relationship or destroy it. Porn in general makes a man look very pathetic to most women and at least those with self respect wouldnt give the time of day to a porn pig' (as they are ofetn called) let alone 'make love' to them

Whilst Ag tries to make the sharing of what each likes sound equitable and reasonable he totally fail to relate the fact that women have and continue to be jusdged solely on physical looks in a way men could never understand. The pressures put on women are way past the capacity of most 'average men' to understand.
Lusting is not an equitable thing, women are invalidated as people and judged like pices of meat every day everywhere they go...How can he even suf=ggest that the way women are lsuted after is anything like saying 'oh he's attractive' Sure men, for centuries have tried to validate this oggling through excuses like 'women do it too' but the unspoken truth is that lust is a huge issues for most men and I am yet to meet perosnally one woman who has issues with lusting after youg men so much that she cant keep her eyes of them even whn she is with her husband. Sure we all notice attractive people, so what, whats to discuss, why does your attention need to be specifically on this??? learn to respect your wife and please be very sceptical of the advice by AG

I am sorry, lmjs, but I don’t get how the use of porn is a “totally unacceptable betrayal of marriage vows”. A guy looks at dirty pictures. So what? How is that a betrayal? Can you please elaborate?



As far as “a degrading act towards women kind” goes, I understand that some people feel that way. Although I don’t agree with it, I do acknowledge that it is a solid argument against porn. However, it is irrelevant. If a guy wants to enjoy porn, and his wife does not want him to enjoy it, they have a problem to solve. Perhaps it is that he should not use porn any more, perhaps she should be accepting in his use of porn, perhaps there is some other way to resolve this problem. But whether porn degrades women has no bearing on their decision, because the genesis of porn is not the issue. What if it can be demonstrated that porn is actually beneficial for women’s professional careers and that porn is actually good for women kind? Will that make their problem go away? No; the wife will still be distraught.



Look lmjs, we are going around in circles every couple of months on this topic. The problem often is that a guy’s libido is greater then the woman’s. What do you suggest that the couple do? Do you think that the woman should just be his concubine to use whenever he desires? Or should they make love only whenever she is ready? If libido is dissimilar, it make sense to use porn in a relationship. What else do you suggest?


Yeah, “porn pig”… nice terminology, lmjs. Let’s start calling each other names. That’ll improve the tenor of this conversation.

I think that a self-confident woman would not be threatened by the use of porn by her man. I doubt that many men would put up with a woman would be freak out if he looks at dirty pictures. What guy would want to put up with that? He may say to himself: “what other activity of mine is she going to freak out about? What else is she threatened by?”