Listen up.....when you read about an average A lasting 2 years. Don't think you need to give up at the 2 year mark.

That is an AVERAGE. Some are shorter, others are longer.

Your personal situation will vary. Make your timeline based on your situation.

In most cases the Ws will eventually get it. Whether the BS is still around is the kicker. Yes, ultimately, the BS has the final say. Yes, the BS will then have the control.

So when the WS accuses you (BS) of wanting to have control. Stand up and say 'YES, that's right so?' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Don't cower to those kinds of threats. They are bullying tactics designed to put you back in the corner.

You realize that in many cases the primary subject between the WS and OP is YOU the BS. What?!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Yep....so in essence....you can control to a certain degree WHAT they talk about and how much. YOU can cause them to LB against each other (love bust kind of LB - LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> ).

Do you feel empowered now? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

U should.

L.

jennifer harley recently told me the exact same thing

she said that she is very concerned that some people give up around the two year mark when some affairs do last longer......

she said she has counseled people who move on to other relationships if their spouse doesn't return at around 2 years and then soon after that, the A ends and the spouse DOES want to return but it's just too late because of the new relationship that was built

she advised me to wait at least another year IF I FEEL I CAN

So true Orchid. But it also depends on how long the BS cares to wait. My WH and OW's affair lasted 3 and a half years. They split about a month after our divorce was final.

It was almost like the affair needed the marriage in order to survive.

believer

i wonder about that myself

if doing everything i can to keep a D from happening is prolonging the A

i seem to notice many times here that either right before (as in days or weeks) or soon after a D the WS wakes up and realizes thier mistake and wants to save their marraige

The timeline is set by the BS when the WS is not showing any signs of coming back. Not the WS won't come back but their antics often make us think they won't come back and that throws many a BS for a loop.

We don't all fit in the average or mold. I know I didn't. Still true recovery started AFTER 3 years.

I just wanted BS' NOT to give up just because an average date timeline has past. Each circumstance is different.

The BS needs to smart about how they use their time.... i.e. plan A, plan B, etc. So that when the WS decides to shed the WS persona can become a true spouse again....then the BS w/b ready for the M or ready for the D and move on. Either way, the BS w/b ready.

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,

What about those of us that are in the process of D... I've been wondering that lately?

I mean my D is proceeding ( I know I started it and i wnted to stop it also). What I'm thinnking is giving myself some time after D. Maybe date a little hoping this nasty A ends and WH realises what he lost.

That's where I feel I'm at a disadvantage because I stupidly filed.

Still

I also feel like I was wrong to file. But then again, WH didn't seem to realize the severity of the situation until I did. That seemed to be what made him end it with OW. Now just what to do about the D? We're starting MC while going through the big D.. how ironic is that?

Forever,

Did you change your name? Your story sounds familar.

My filing didn't seem to have any affect on him. I mean I tried to get him to reconsider and he won't.

You are lucky that your WH will go to MC. At this point I don't think mine ever would. In his eyes we are completely done.

When I talkes to the Harley's on the radio show they did say that some couples do remarry after the divorce. So I'm hoping if things don't change before D that will be what happens. Like what happened to mortarman and his W.

Still

Still & 4IL,

Things are still up in the air in your situations. Of course you will wonder. The main thing is to know why you filed.....

1.To shock the WS?
They don't shock....they have no family feelings.

2.To teach the WS a lesson?
Ws' can't be taught?

3.As a protective measure for you and your family?
Then this would still be a good reason.

4.For your personal sanity?
Then this is still a good reason.

Regrets..... pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience because now is when you need it.

take care,
L.

Orchid,

The reasons I filed are for 3 and 4. Although I feel I could of and should of waited a little longer.

I was afraid WH would put us deeper in debt and I didn't want money for our family going to her. What funny (not funny haha) is that our finances are still together so I'm sure some of our money is going towards her. Not as much as I thought it would.

And when I filed I really believed that I was done with him... that I wasn't going to put up with that crap and continued hurt he was putting me and our kids through for his own selfish purposes.

I have to believe deep in my heart that this still could work out somehow somewhere. Miracles do happen.

And now I have a plan.... and back in October I was so devastated and angry and was going by the seat of my pants.

Still

it would be GREAT to hear from those whose WS ended the A and then wanted to reconcile after the 2 year mark!!

it seems i've read alot of stories about that here

bump

I am the FWW and I must say that my H threatened D several times during my A,but what really woke me up was seeing him get strong and start to move on!I am struggling with this right now because I didn't take him seriously until he made a move,and right now we are in a similar situation but opposite and I wonder if I started to get strong and move on if he might make some effort to start working on our M!My A lasted a year,but I truly believe if he would have started to get strong and move on earlier,it would have nipped it in the butt much earlier!

jksmith, I would have to say that your sitch is exactly why the Harley's recommend Plan A (timed, not infinite) followed by Plan B. Plan B is the 'moving on' stage. It's serious stuff, too. The BS begins to see more clearly, and KNOWS what they want and KNOWS their boundaries. That's what moving on looks like.

So now your H is wayward; Plan A is in effect? I never did a perfect Plan A, but I began to make changes for ME and well as for my M, and that IS attractive.

I read this and wonder about my situation.

I never got to plan A or plan B or anything of the sort. I tried plan A but then got railroaded into a D. Against everyone's advice, I went into a divorce I didn't want just one month after D day.

It's now been a year and there has been a great deal of turmoil between the ex and I. Things are settling down and we communicate a lot more amicably. I don't look to argue with her anymore and I'm starting to let her criticism just roll off my back.

I am in a funk, though. I feel like I'm in a weird plan B, but we're divorced.

I very strongly believe life and circumstances will wake her up one day that this was a big mistake. I don't know if I simply want to hear that or if I want her to eventually come back.

I have personally been doing my best to move forward. I have stopped trying to make her feel guilty over what she did. I have stopped being angry towards her. I make a conscious effort to be more polite with her and keep our conversations short.

I consciously know that I'm still not ready for a relationship only one year after my divorce, which ocurred just one month after D-day and was only 3 months after I thought everything was fine.

Yet, I am lonely. I'm lonely because I'm not from here and don't have family nearby. I'm lonely because all my friends are married and I feel bad about asking the guys to hang out with me. The best single friends I have live out of state.

So what is my plan? Get back in shape by finishing my basement and setting up my gym. Start volunteering with single volunteer groups. Save money to start swing dancing again and resume lessons. Limit my contact with my ex as much as possible because talking to her hurts.

It's almost like the calming of the tension between us has been good, but it has certain drawbacks that come with it. The diminishing of the anger brings acceptance, but creeping beneath the acceptance is nostalgia. I remember the good things about my W and how good a friend she was. I really lost my best friend and I miss her terribly at times. The woman that exists now only looks like my wife, because she doesn't resemble her in any way.

So I try to move on. I read this thread and wonder if my ex will one day wakeup and it will simply be too late on my end. I wonder if it is too late now. I have read so many stories on here of BSs that move on and really carry on with their lives only to have the WW come out of the blue and say that they want to resore the family.

I saw this with MM and with a few others. They're thrown for a loop at first, feel very cautious about the WW coming around, but eventually give it a shot. Now they are on the road to recovery when they were only steps away from finalizing divorce or in some cases when they've been divorced for a little while.

Going back would have drastic consequences with my friends and family. I'm not saying I would simply do so if it happened, but I can't say I haven't thought about it. Afterall, it isn't my family or friends that have to live separated from their children.

I guess that one year after the D I am clinging to the last bit of feelings that are left and am afraid to let go because I will be cold and unreceptive to reconciliation if I let these last bit of feelings die.

I saw her last night and I see that I still find her very attractive. I want desperately to invite her in to sit down and have a drink and play some games with the kids, but I know that will only open me up to hurt later. Eventually I will be able to do that without having those feelings well up after suppressing them.

Da mn. I was doing very well and have regressed on the anniversary of our D.

My wife wanted a seperation...to which I foolishly agreed and even began helping her get. Helped her fill out resumes, look at jobs, etc... Then when she told me that she was looking at apartments, and they were going to require a minimum one year lease, I thought about it. Ended our conversation for the night...and resumed it the next night.

I asked her if she wanted to be seperated for a year. She said that "yes, it looks like it will be at least that long if that's what the lease will take". I told her point blank that I wasn't going to agree to a seperation that long...if she planned on being gone for a year, that I wanted her to go ahead and file for a divorce. I wasn't willing to put my life on hold for a year while she 'thought things out'. It scared the heck out of her. She was shocked...stunned that I wasn't willing to go that long in limbo. She then asked if I'd consider re-marrying her if she was gone that long in her 'seperation'...I told her that we'd have to see then, but if her seperation was going to be as complete as she appeared to think, that I wasn't going to wait and see. If she wanted to go, then she had to risk losing me forever.

It was that day that I went and talked to a lawyer about filing for divorce in our state. The next day, I told her everything I learned about divorce...and I layed it out on the table for her exactly what steps would have to happen to get one. And I made it clear again that I wasn't going to sit around and wait for her to decide forever...I had limits, and that she would lose me out of her life completely if it went to a divorce. I wasn't going to be a 'friend'...because being around her would be too painful, and I wasn't willing to accept anything less than a marriage with her.

That night, she made her choice to work on our marriage. Amazingly, my wife never once waivered once her choice was truly made.

Just something to think about.

F-I-L,
once FWH asked to reconcile (and I agreed), we had our attorneys file an "Agreed Order of Reconciliation". it gives ME 6 months (till end of June) to either choose reconciliation or move forward with the divorce. in TN, it preserves the conditions under which I filed. I do not have to start from scratch. so, in essence it puts the whole process on hold.
hope this helps,
cgw

Owl,

Seeing how you handled things shows how I should have handled it. You manned up, were not weak and pathetic, and your wife responded to that and respected it.

I don't know if you have any kids and I don't know if mine would have responded the same, but it shows that strength and confidence is respected on a fence sitting wayward. I didn't have that self respect and allowed myself to be a doormat. If she had chosen otherwise you would have walked away with your self respect intact. That's the one thing I regret the most and punish myself most over.

I tip my hat to you.

It sometimes works sometimes it don't... My WW talked sep that became D as soon as she moved out of the house...

It looks like a D is what she will be getting... Though I don't think she expacts it to get as nastly as I expect it to get... She thinks it will all go rosy, and is in or a rude awakining...

Glad it worked for you Owl!

jim

Funny how you're also a victim of the internet. Myspace aided in ruining my marriage. It's an evil web site full of fakes.

I would advise you to think of a "nasty" divorce battle. If you don't have kids, thank the Gods and save your money on a nasty fight. You could easily replace stuff with all you'll spend fighting for it.

If you have kids, you could look really bad if you get nasty. Now, if you have grounds for being nasty, that's a different story, but anger will only make you go broke in a custody fight or divorce.

I think about all the money I could have saved this past year on lawyers if I had simply kept my emotions in check. I basically argued back and forth with my ex through lawyers. We both paid for arguments we could have had for free!

Just keep that in mind as you go forward.

So, getting back on subject:

If a WW takes about 2 years to wake up, then how long should a BS hang on?

I talked to my mom today about my recent feelings. She told me she has similar thoughts about my dad from time to time and that it is normal. She also said I would be crazy to even think about taking her back, but that she would swallow her pride for me and deal with her if she absolutely had to.

I told her that reconciliation wasn't at all in the picture, but that I had "what if" questions floating in my head recently.

My kids are my constant motivation. I'm a known entity. They are everything to me and I would do anything for them, including forgiving a remorseful exww. I would never abuse them physically or sexually. I would raise them with love and care. I'd be the first to run to them when they were sick at night. It's stuff I have done in the past and I would do it again. I wish I could do it now. I'm a known commodity while someone else out there isn't.

I seriously doubt women marry men knowing that they will be abusers. I am so scared for my kids that she will meet someone who is a closet abuser. The guy she's with now could be and she wouldn't know it.

The statistics support what I'm saying. So many abuse cases come from boyfriends and step fathers and it scares me to no end.

So what is the motivation for those that have decided to wait? Their kids? Religion?

I really believe it takes an outside motivation to convince someone to forgive a WS. Otherwise if there were no kids you can count your blessings and find someone better.

Thoughts? (Am I thread jacking?)