I find it disturbing that my H spends hours and hours a day surfing this site. He has an addictive personality and he can't seem to stop, even when I've told him repeatedly that it bothers me.

Why does it bother me? For one, I think its voyeuristic. There's a certain creepiness that he is so utterly fascinated with the trials and tribulations of other people's marriages. I've asked him numerous times why he finds it so interesting - what is he looking for? - when supposedly he has no issues with how things are going in our own M. I would totally understand if he were having issues, and was looking for a different perspective AFTER he had come to me about it, and been supposedly O&H. So if he has no issues, why does he find it necessary to be on here ALL THE TIME? Particularly when I've told him that it makes me uncomfortable. He tells me he'll curb his time, and it works for a day or so, and then he's right back to this obsessiveness.

Second, I think this is a form of escapism. It's a way of avoiding dealing with things in real life, and it ends up affecting the other aspects of our lives because he gets behind in work, and then has to work extra time nights and weekends in order to make up for the lost time. That's supposed to be "our time", right?

So MB is a MAJOR LB for me, and he can't seem to stop doing it. I think he is substituting this obsession for other obsessions he's had in the past (sex, for instance) that caused a lot of the issues we had in our M, and not actually confronting the real issues that are causing it.

Just thought if I posted here it would get his attention...

HHW...

My guess is that your husband still feels he needs this place...Your ddays were not all that long ago, whether you know it or not I'm sure your H does still have issues regarding your betrayal of him...MB is very cathartic in many ways...

Mr. W and I both read and post here...It has given us even more common ground...While we won't be around here forever it has helped us both immensely in our healing process to help others...You might try joining him here and see what you think...

And yes, this place can also be addictive, I do understand that aspect of it as well...Have you guys tried POJA about the amount of time spent here?

Best,

Mrs. W

Dear HardHeadedWoman ~

Your affair was quite recent, and the wounds in his heart and soul are very fresh and very very raw. His need to read here is NORMAL and HEALTHY and isn't voyeuristic - there is comfort in understanding that your affair wasn't special, that your affair was not unique, nor beautiful nor meaningful. The marriage and wife he thought he had is GONE, and he needs to grieve that old reality and learn to adjust to the new reality that YOUR ACTIONS have thrust on him. Your husband is trying to heal from what is nothing short of the worst pain another person can give another. We learn from reading others stories. Sometimes it is easier to sort out our own pain and to put our own lives and perspectives back into shape by reading someone else's situation - it is less painful to think about things in the context of someone else's life than our own.

We are the best support system your marriage has going for it right now.

How incredibly cruel, and disrespectful (lovebusting!) on your part to expect your husband to forgo the support and comfort he needs right now as a result of the damage YOU have inflicted on him and your marriage. Escapism? Hardly.

I bet he's also much harder to manipulate when he has so many people available who have heard the script and recognise controlling behaviors and call them when they see them.

Like now for example.

"Your attempts to cope and heal are really getting on my nerves..also it's taking up too much of your time."


Honestly [eyeroll].

Ummm, is that hard headed or hard hearted?

Someone is here as long as they need to be here. This is a support group of people who have gone through the emotions of dealing with a choice they either made, like you, or had made for them, like your husband.

We have many, many women who regularily post here. Those same women may be the one who betrayed their vows or they may be the one who was betrayed. Both are helped in whatever measure they seek. Same with men. So what is your real problem?

If I had to guess, I would suspect that you like to be in control and you don't want your husband to get any ideas that might uncover that which you would like to keep hidden. Did I get that right?

Larry

HHW

I second Bramble's post. Your husband clearly needs all the support he can get. He finds it here. There is something very comforting in knowing that how you feel is also being experienced by other people in your shoes.

When the person that is supposed to love and support you above all others has an affair, it can make a BS feel crazy. We question everything. Are we supposed to feel this way? Will it ever get better? Is what I am feeling normal? Voyeuristic? hardly. It is a support system.

Frankly, HHW - you should be THANKFUL that your H is coming here and not out having his own affair because you know what? Im willing to bet that YOUR affair was a "MAJOR" lb for him.

How incredibly sad and unfortunate that you cannot understand this.

Your affair is what put your husband here. His need to be here and the fact that it "disturbs" you is a consequence of your poor behavior.

Heads up to the husband if you recognise yourself.

Attempts to cut off your support are very often rooted in a desire to hide an affair gone underground.

If you doubt have a look through the search function for false recoveries and compare the number of objecting "F"WSs who felt offended or uncomfortable with your MB participation.

My W hates MB as well and dislikes that I post here. Part of it is because she hates that everyone here convinced me to hold her accountable for her actions and expose her A to everyone, including her work. She says that she still hasn't forgiven me for doing that. I think another part of it is that she doesn't want to feel responsible for the devastation that her A caused. I think she wants to forget the whole thing and sweep it under the rug instead of properly addressing the issues. The principles I learned here in MB preclude me from allowing that to happen, so she blames me and MB for having a problem.

HHW, why don't you take some responsibility for the damaged that you inflicted on your H and work on your M with him so that he doesn't need MB for support anymore instead of just beating him up for coming here? Afterall, you are the reason he is here in the first place.

HHW...Please focus on LostBoy68's needs right now...Please know that he is still hurting from your affairs...Put yourself in his shoes, and KNOW that you would NOT be "over it" by now...His wounds are so fresh and so deep...Love him and support him in getting what he needs to heal...That makes sense to you, right?

Mrs. W

I recognize the husband, and am sure he will soon be posting here to support his wife.

I hope that he is still working on his changes, and spending at least 15 hours a week doing fun things with her.

My FWW "Tangled" used to post here, but stopped when she felt it wasn't helping. She's also uncomfortable that I continue to participate here, and has requested a few times that I don't do it when she's around.

I do hope that her actions are not because of the reasons you've given. I don't think they are. I'll ask her to let me know in her own words why she feels the way she does about my participation in MB and share them here in a later message.

There is nothing former about your wifes waywardness.
[Although I don't post to either of you much I have kept up]

Whether her affair is presently active or not her frame of mind is very much rooted in rebellious entitlement.

Anything that challenges that entitlement is going over like a lead balloon.

HHW,

My guess is that he is is searching for answers.

Probably because he has tried to get answers from his WW, but still doesn't trust them or believe them.

And because he still hurts, and wants to know that he is "normal", that he has worth, despite the betrayal of the person he trusted most in his life.

Because he doubts his own world. His own reality, by your betrayal, became questionable. He was trucking along, and suddenly was dealt a blow he didn't see coming. Now, he questions everything you do, everything he does, well....just everything.

As the WW, your job is to make him feel safe enough with you that he can once again talk to you about things, and not expect the "just get over it already" response.

Because he can't.

I told my FWH that he could not shoot me and then complain about the blood on the floor.

It will be a long, hard road, this recovery road you two must walk. Sometimes you will have to carry him. When the guilt and shame hit you, he will have to carry you.

If you truly expect to recover your marriage, then it would probably help for you to read something here, or SOMEWHERE, about how to help him get through this betrayal.

He will be "addicted" to MB, for as long as he lacks YOUR support........and for as long as he needs help, guidance, and answers.

The more you learn about how to help him, the better off your marriage will be. His recovery truly begins when YOUR needs are placed on the back burner, and you recognize what you have done to him. Once you figure out the devastation, and start to figure out what HE NEEDS to "get over it", and start DOING what he needs, you will probably get your wish - he will leave MB and cling to you.

The solution is in your hands - you can ACT now, or continue to complain.

Your choice.

SB

Any bets on another post by hard headed? When someone gets told what must be told that they do not want to hear, guess what <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There are two sides to every story. No side owns a total armlock on the truth. On the other hand, judging people by what they do rather than what they say has always worked for me.

My wife doesn't like my participation here. On the other hand, she has devoted her life to making things up with me and fixing what was wrong that caused her to lose her moral compass. She doesn't enjoy reminders that at one point in her life, she acted like an idiot.

On the other hand, so long as I don't throw it in her face, she is ok with not only my posting stuff here but also entertaining her with some of the really strange goings on that are posted from time to time. Then she doesn't feel that I am not responding to her efforts.

It has been almost two years and she is still on course and not only hasn't forgotten, she has become even more dedicated than even a year ago when it was fresh in our minds. Maybe that has something to do with the fact I made her supper tonight, then packed a bunch of her favorite stuff to take to work with her. Then I found her sissors and told her I had ordered the new scrubs online. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

She was running late and I picked up the slack with the kids and stuff instead of sitting on the sofa asking for another beer.

Larry

HHW,

Just read your other thread. I see that your H is supportive of you, but you aren't "feeling" attracted to him.

This also takes time. Your emotional detachment from him didn't happen overnight, nor will the reattachment. For most women, sex is an emotional link - your other post says you had a "sex-only" or non-emotional sexual affair, sort of unusual for a woman. This kind of tells me you had already taken mental steps to detach yourself from your H - you CAN take steps to reattach. Read this site, and Surviving An Affair. There is hope, and yes, you can recover feelings for your husband.

As for the "sparks"......

Well, you can always buy sparklers.

SB

Sparks - yea right. With kids, housework, laundry, yards, bills, emotional needs get put on the backburner just about all the time.

And someone wants the carefree feelings of infatuation.

Right. . .

This is called a cycle. The new guy ALWAYS gets old just like the one before, and so on. An education on WHY you feel the WAY you feel and HOW to deal with the way you feel comes from an education, part of which can be acquired on sites like this one. Break the cycle.

Larry

Ok, a summary of my FWW's response:

She doesn't like me spending time just browsing around on the MB forums when it seems I don't really need to, and thinks that I should only be on them if I'm posting questions or otherwise looking for answers. She believes that sometimes when I read the other threads here, my emotions are adversely affected, and she feels uncomfortable when she sees the pain in my eyes, particularly if she feels that I'm experiencing that hurt because I'm being reminded of something that she did.

Orchid: It bothers you because......

Can MB be addictive? In the sense that one will spend time reading it daily while still caring for responsibilities or NOT caring for responsibilities?


Orchid: That is certainly 1 POV. Consider this: Is he fascinated or trying to learn so he can do his part to avoid helping you be a WS again? Or maybe payback for the help he received?


Orchid: Why? It makes you uncomfortable because .........
He is on here ALL the time? Is that a correct assessment?


Orchid: Hm...... like your having an A? Hm.... do you really know what a BS goes through? Go read Surviving an Affair before you make such accusations.

What are you doing to contribute to 'your couple time'? Is he ignoring you COMPLETELY?


Orchid: Seems like you want things your way more than wanting things together. You give off a me-ism type of persona.


Orchid: Wow. That last sentence says a lot. I think I can understand why he reads here. You both still have a lot to learn.

JMHO,
L.

My H has said the same thing. When your world has been shattered by an affair, you seek understanding and a change in direction. It's very difficult to have a spouse say, "I made one mistake. It's time to move on."

That one mistake was the tip of an iceburg, and BSs need to understand the iceburg.

Cherishing

Yes, another case of the BS telling the WS (you) that they want radical honesty, and then when they get it, they argue and tell you why YOU shouldn't feel that way.

You ARE correct in that if he is spending "hours and hours" each day on this site that he IS addicted. You ARE correct in telling him your feelings on this. You are getting replies from some who may have the same addiction problem to this site. Some of them get pretty self righteous the more they are on here. I think a few of them have the same addiction problem he is having.

I think he would be wise to LISTEN to what you are saying. He certainly should know enough by now to cut back his time on this site to an agreeable amount of time. Your feelings ARE as valid as his are. He needs to apply the principles he is seems to be addicted to. I would agree that "hours and hours a day on this site could seem like a bit much. I bet things like this are how you two got into this situation in the first place. You have a valid view. Men who become mature learn to validate their wife's feelings before their own. When he does, things will move forward much better.