It has been some time since I last posted or even visited this board since there was nothing more to work out. We were married 9 years, together 14 years. I kicked him out last May (2006) when he couldn’t end his affair. He wanted to basically continue living with me and the kids but continue his affair. We tried mediation, it didn’t work mainly because he doesn’t know what he wants other than his girlfriend. Now he has been living with her since last May and he has adopted the ideas of what she wants. And basically, she wants my kids. I have no idea why and I can’t understand it. She is truly delusional, as is he. She talks to people in her social circle about her kids (meaning mine). It makes me sick. I have 2 little girls who are almost 3 and 5 years old. We have temporarily agreed to he gets the every other weekend and wed evening until 8pm. Now he has decided he wants them 50% of the time. Our court date is April 18, and I am scared out of my mind. I really don’t understand this, he had the affair, he left, and the kids and I just have to deal with this? My youngest wakes in the night at her house crying for me, and the older one says that the girlfriend sleeps with her when she crys! How can this be right? I told my lawyer about it and he just sent a letter to his lawyer indicating it was inappropriate. Then I hear this girl takes my oldest one out alone at night while my husband stays home with the other child. I never agreed to this and I don’t know what do do about it. Again, I spoke to the lawyer about it and they just lie and say it never happened. (Although, I have eye witness proof and ticket stubs to the said event).

If you read this far, my question is if anyone has dealt with this, how can I prepare for it in court? My court date is April 18th and my lawyer doesn’t seem too concerned. I am so scared. I don’t understand how the court could think this was what is best for the kids.
The thing is, I am not trying to keep them from him at all. He never wanted his visitation with them. But now, its his girlfriend that wants them and she is the one feeding and bathing and taking them out. I don’t even know if he could care for them without her.

Is there any way I can say that he can’t have them overnight unless he gets his own place? The kids need to be HIS responsibility, not hers.

Any advice at all would help greatly. These kids are my world.

Tonya

I really don't see them seeing him fit to have the kids 50/50. From what I know, if he has cheated that's a big strike on him because he isn't going to be setting a good example for your kids. He sounds to be unstable. I really wouldn't stress too much over it.

The judge will do what's best for the girls. This relationship will have be seen as good by any judge, esp since it was the cause of the breakup. Harp on the disruptions it would cause in your daughter's routines if custody was 50/50.

Make a list or schedule of what your daughter's do on a daily basis. Include their favorite things and favorites ways of going about their days. Explain to your atty and your judge what the disruptions would be.

His affair will be held against him as will the ******'s I mean other woman's relationshop with the girls currently. Be strong, be calm, and be truthful.

Good luck.

oh sweetheart, your story sounds similar to mine to the max. right down to the "he wanted to live at home with us and continue his affair" bs... all sounds the same.

anyway, mine petitioned for custody as well. his ho had made statements like "she loved my kids and could not wait to be their step mother" crap too. oh yes, she likes to play cutesy mommy when she is around them. nevermind the fact that she is not even old enuff to be there mother unless she was popping out my twins when she was about 15!

here is what i did. my parents hired me the best attorney money could buy. we counter petitioned his petition with nothing less then the complete and ugly truth. his affairs, how his leaving and taking his substantial paycheck with him drastically altered me and the kids living situation, i supplied proof from their doctors that they were 100% healthy and well taken care of BY ME, etc etc. i disproved to the max every single lie he tried to tell.

bottom line is, when his attorney saw my counter petition he advised my ex to settle out of court. i gave him more visitation out of court than he ever would have gotten in court. they were going to offer one weekend a month and i think that was it. maybe one night per week. i gave him 2 nights per week and 2 weekends a month and there are months he doesn't even take advantage of all that visitation because he has to work a screwy schedule.

tell the truth all the way! i made it clear to ow in no uncertain terms that I AM THEIR MOTHER, THEIR ONE AND ONLY MOTHER and that she will never fill those shoes. I am quite sure she knows I am serious. and considering my ex has lost every single court hearing we have had, well, i think that shows something.

your ex is just trying to be a jerk like mine was. your girls have a mommy and it is you! no matter what ow may think. that is what i told ow, "you took my husband and now you want to take my kids from me too. well you can have my husband but it will be over my dead body you get my kids!" and she has backed her skinny a** right down let me tell you.

you will be fine. the truth will prevail, trust me.

mlhb

Thanks for the help. Its hard to not worry about it and hope for the best, but I am so frustrated with this mess.

How to you go about presenting information to the court without coming off as the jealous ex wife? I honestly don't give a crap what he does in his life, but I don't think my kids should be involved. They are to young and impressionable and it is very hard on them.

I feel like she is taking my whole life away from me. I don't understand how I am supposed to just hand my kids over to this woman who has destroyed my family!!!

My ex (well, soon to be) while having the affair ALWAYS choose OW over the kids. Even now he is still doing it, but how to I show that in court, that he can't take care of his own kids without her, nor would he want to. It makes me so sick just thinking about it.

Put it on paper. Write it down. Seeing things in black and white takes the emotion out of it. For Example (if true),
As a SAHM, I'm responsible for the children the majority of the time. When we were together, STBX worked 5 days a week, and leaves home at 7 am, returning at 6 pm. Although we had dinner as a family, he rarely spent time with the children after dinner, preferring to work or pursue his hobby.
I take the children to all doctor, dentist, piano, dance etc. appointments.

If you are a working mom, your sentence would be. As the primary caretaker for the children, I drop them off at school, and pick them up from aftercare everyday. I am responsible for packing their backpacks and lunches, as well as scheduling appts. and rides to activities. I am also their cub or girl scout leader, sunday school teacher, etc.

BTW, my X spent very,very little time with my kids when we ewere together, and that really doesn't matter in court. The judges know reality and can see through certain statements made by parents to get more custody. Trust the system.
However, the courts' goal is to keep everyone out of court and encourage them to settle on their own.

Good Luck. Know that it will work out ok.

So, it sounds as if it will come off better to the court as presenting it as the positive aspects of living at home with me rather than the negative aspects of living at daddy’s girlfriends house? I was preparing to address my major concerns such as my youngest has developed sleep issues in that she wakes in the middle of the night crying for me. My older one said that his girlfriend comes in and sleeps with her. This is not acceptable to me!

As far as their schedule, before he moved out I used to work part time. I wanted to be able to keep the house so I had to give that up and work full time. So there is time I am already losing with the kids. (Again, I am trying not to sound selfish, but rather what is best for the kids). I drop them off every day, and he picks them up for his one night a week, and Friday on his every other weekend.

I am just very nervous and although everyone keeps saying don’t worry about it, I don’t know how not to. From what I heard, the court doesn’t care if he had an affair, as long as he can provide them a home. Its just not right.

The courts don't care about the affair or your life. They just want you off their docket.
I really can't tell what stage you are in but very little of these cases go to court. I hope this isn't news to you. Most get settled in the lawyer's offices, or on the courthouse steps, because THESE DON'T GO TO COURT. The judges don't want to decide, they want the people involved to decide. So create your preferred parenting scheduling (refer to Mom's House/Dad's house for help). Then create two more: one that you could live with if you had to, and another that is your 'line in the sand".
Examples follow which may or may not work in your case.
First proposal: the old standard EOW (FS, sunday til 6 or 8 pm) and dinner one night a week. (BTW, my state is more the 50/50 model). (4 nights per month, 13% with dad)
Second proposal: EOW (FSS) and Tues or Wednesday overnight. (10 nights / month or 1/3 time with dad)
Worst case proposal: EOW (FSS), Every Tuesday & EOWednesday overnight with dad) (12 nights or 40% time with dad)
The last case is close enough to 50/50 to please many dads).

You can trade dinner only for overnights depending on what your lawyer says.

So, create your plan. Know that you can't dictate where and how your kids spend their time with dad, so let that go right away.
Make sure you include a statement that the kids events/activities take precendence no matter whose parenting time it is, so your children can particiapte in sports/dance, etc. And the parent with parenting time must take them.
Need more ideas?