My husband and I have been married for 1 1/2 years. He informed me recently that he is going out of state to a bachelor party, to go see baseball games and bars at night for a few beers.

He has never been interested in strip joints, so I am not concerned that he will be going there. I just don't think it's healthy for a husband to go out of town and be in a situation that is not healthy (being out of state with a bunch of mostly single men). He says I just have to trust him, that he would never do anything to hurt our relationship. I guess I have heard of men who misbehave at these parties.

He has 4 brothers and 3 other close friends - all of whom are not married - and said that he will go to their bachelor parties too. He is 35 and I am 30. We don't have kids yet. I just have a hard time thinking that I am married to a man who will be going to bachelor parties in the future - I just don't think it's healthy.

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

I can certainly sympathize as I'm also about to have my husband not only leave the state, but the country! (Actually, he's leaving the country for a voluntary 6 month civilian contractor stint in Iraq.)

All I can tell you is to keep those lines of communication open when there are trust issues involved. Yes, men can do stupid things at bachelor parties (or anywhere else) but as long as he loves you and comes back to you in the end, that's all that counts. Trust means letting go and taking that risk. It goes against our basic yearning for stability/security but unfortunately it's something we ALL have to do from time to time.

You should treat yourself to something nice while he's gone. (An evening out with your friends, a therepeutic massage, a nice day trip, etc.)

Good luck and God bless.

Post deleted by BWS71

I really appreciate your feedback. I was really starting to wonder if my anger was justified. Yes, my husband is definitely going to Iraq voluntarily without my "enthusiastic support."

Because I just joined this site today, I have not yet had a chance to read through all the helpful articles - but I plan to. The Love Busters questionnaire in particular looks interesting.

Thanks again.

TRUST... that's the key to everything.... you have to trust him (unless he has given you a reason before to NOT trust him)... if you don't... it will eat away at you... and make you upset/angry.... just as chakkuri said, go and treat yourself to a night or a few nights out with the girls.... take the time to do the things that maybe you don't get to do with H around... good luck... and TRUST your H...
hang in there... you'll be just fine <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for your thoughts.
How do I keep this from eating away at me? It is in my thoughts daily and my mood is affected - I feel distant from him, not interested in being around him, and feel that I resent him. I know this is not healthy. I know that I am supposed to trust, but how can I make myself feel trust?

The weekend before his trip, he is going to NYC for work and has invited me to join. He has been asking me to purchase my ticket, and I haven't, because I don't feel interested or excited.

I have been praying about this, praying for him, and for me. Any thoughts you have are appreciated. Thank you!

if he has never given you a reason NOT to trust him than don't worry about it. men go to bachelor parties all the time and for the most part, the men behave. just because he is going to this party does not mean he is going to sleep with another woman or get out of line. he is being open and honest about where they are going and what they are doing .you must trust and let him go. you don't want him to think you do not trust him, that is not good.

and book your ticket to NYC! you will regret it if you don't spend this time with him before he goes!

talk to him, tell him you know it is silly but you just feel uncomfortable that he will be around all these single guys and doing things single guys do. let him reassure you and than drop it. tell him you love him and trust him and thank him for reassuring you. than go to NYC and have a good time.

mlhb

Bachelor parties are overrated. They are kind of archaic in sticking to lame frat boy like behaviors. I didn't have a bachelor party for my marriage because I eloped. I nearly ruined my then happy but young marriage a year later by going on a friend's party and doing the strip club drunken bar crawl thing. Getting together with his boys drinking a few beers, telling lies, and watching ballgames sounds great, perfect, in fact. Engaging in inapproriate behavior because "it's a special occasion" speaks to immaturity. If this bothers you, tell him. Tell him why, specifically. If he loves you he will respect your boundaries and tell his boys what he is willing to participate in. Their are rules of engagement when it comes to boys night out and girls night out. Blowing money on naked women is a boundary that shouldn't be crossed if your siginificant other says so. Talk to him, in a reasonable fashion. He will understand. Fiver says his boys will take strip club off the list and they'll watch ballgames, play some cards, tell old war stories, and maybe catch a buzz.

One of the biggest concepts of MB is POJA; which is an *enthusiastic* agreement from you regarding this. Dr Harley believes that married couples should NEVER spend the night apart. (And, yes, that could mean a traveling spouse should quit their job or the other spouse should go with them.) The Harley's have a radio show during the week and it's pretty easy to get through to speak with them. I think that you should call and see what Dr Harley thinks.

Look, even Dr Harley says that he could cheat if the circumstances were right. He emphasizes doing things to *protect* the marriage. He is VERY careful to not put himself into situations where he could be tempted.

I almost hesitate to mention this--but my DH (who was just my boyfriend at the time) went to a bachelor party where the girl was giving the guys oral sex, kissing guys, etc. he said that he pointed out that when she kissed one guy after giving a different guy a BJ that the second guy was practically kissing the first guy's penis. I think that if you know who the guys are and you *know* that they wouldn't try to exert peer pressure to go to strip clubs or have a stripper come to a party (which could be VERY awkward for your DH because he would have to physically leave) then, while not the ideal situation, you probably don't have too much to worry about.

POJA is all about thinking outside the box to come up with a solution where you are BOTH happy.

Call the MB show. Good luck.

that sounds to me like a ridiculous bachelor party! wtf? nice girl to take home to mom huh? wow..

i know a few guys around here (well, know of them, don't know them personally) but my ex used to bartend once in a while and he bartended one of these bachelor parties. there is a place you can call that sends all women to do this party and they all bascially make out with eachother and have sex with eachother in front of the guys and then do stuff to the groom and groom's party. i think it is sick and uncalled for. what happend to the guys just going out for a night of getting drunk one last time as a single guy? it has gotten way out of hand. they do the same kinds of parties for bacceleaurette's too. except with naked guys doing crazy stuff. no thank you.

mlhb

The dates on this message board really mess with my head. How was this original message posted 04/03 or 04/04/07 and someone "replied" in June of 2005?

OK. Sorry for being off topic! Anyway, I do think that if you can't trust your husband, there are some issues there that need to be dealt with. But it sounds to me like you may just be upset that he's going when you would rather him be spending time with you. That's understandable and I had those feelings quite often - especially early in my marriage.

I don't think the bachelor party in and of itself is that big of a deal. If you don't like the idea of him going to a strip club because you are morally or ethically opposed to it, then tell him so - in a sensitive way that doesn't incite defensiveness. That is something that is hard for some people to do also (again, I can relate), but it is vital to having a happy marriage. The Policy of Joint Agreement is truly important for marriage and you can't enthusiastically agree on things if you don't talk about them.

Maybe your husband can skip the strip club portion of the party if that is the only problem. I don't think you have to get worked up about him possibly going to future bachelor parties. They don't all have to be about sex and alcohol. My brother-in-law had a bachelor party where they all went and played paint ball and everyone had a blast!

In any case, I think if your husband is understanding, maybe you can work something out that makes you both happy. Tell him your concerns and maybe you can come up with something where both of you go on the trip and you hang out with one of the other guys' sisters or female friends while he is at the party. Talk about your expectations for his behavior if that is something that worries you.

I don't really know the exact solution, but I know that it involves expressing how you feel to each other without engaging in lovebusters (selfish demands, disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts). You DO need to talk about this and not just ignore it. If you are having negative feelings and can't get your mind off it, then this is important and this type of thing will continue to resurface - be it a bachelor party or something else and you will eventually build up anger and resentment. So go to your husband and deal with how you are feeling together so that your marriage will remain happy!

Best of luck - and let us know how it goes!

He says you "just have to trust him?" You don't HAVE to do anything.

If it were my husband I would say go, have fun. But my H is an old fuddy duddy who wouldn't know how to get himself into trouble.

But you feel differently and you are entitled to your own feelings in your own marriage. Never give that up, EVER!

When my H comes up with something that I am not happy about him doing--I don't care WHAT it is--I make sure he knows that I don't want him to do it.

For example I'd say, "You might be right that I shouldn't feel this way about your going. You have never given me reason not to trust you. You are a wonderful husband and a good man. But I feel strongly about this. I do not want you to go."

If he tried to change my mind (an he probably would), I would hear what he had to say and respectfully validate his arguments. "Yes dear. You might be right. Many other people would feel as you do. Maybe I am being insecure (or silly or bossy). But I still want you not to go."

There would still be a chance that he would go, but at least he would know how I feel.