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#1856376 04/04/07 05:13 PM
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daddo3 Offline OP
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I knew there was something wrong with my wife and more than the " I'm unhappy " speech. I got a keylogger off of cnet, 0 dollars, installed it and found all kinds of stuff. She has three e-mail accounts and on one I checked the trash, which said empty, and lo and behold, there is a letter from the OMW. Spelled it out and my wife admitted to a one night stand. She has been lying all along to "protect me". She lied to me, and our marriage counsler. I can understand the sentiment, but know why she did not confess. Her lying is actually more of a shock than the affair. She also continued the affair, emotionally, after the one night stand.
She wants to stay and work things out and i'm willing. We are so new at this and the pain is so fresh, it's hard to know where to start. I'm preparing a list of absolutes and have contacted the OM and his wife. I need info at this point.
I haven't slept in three days because I sensed the turmoil in her and was just about ready to give her the space she had been requesting.
These boards have been a God send and thank you from a hurting husband for being there when I needed you. I'll keep in touch and let you all know how things are going and I'll be back with lots of questions.

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Lying from a WS is common. Do yourself a huge favor and purchase and read "Surviving an Affair", by Dr. Willard Harley. This will give you a foundation of knowledge from which to operate. Most advice given here is based on the book, and Marriage Builders principals.

Best wishes,
SD


BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04

***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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Book has been ordered and is on the way.

Wife claims this happened only once and there was limited contact after the one time thing. OMW sent my wife an e-mail saying she had e-mails and pictures of them carrying on and my wife denies this. She says this is just a wounded spouse trying to protect her husband. Do I believe her and does it really matter?

Proposed NC with OM ever, and the wife agreed.

Now the work begins with the trust issues. This is hard.

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Also, wife does not want to tell our kids (son 21, son17 and daughter 15) about her affair. She says there is nothing to be gained by it and they would just be hurt by it. Does this sound right?

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Daddo

Im so sorry you find yourself here. I feel your pain as do so many on this site.

In addition to the book mentioned above, I would also recommend "after the affair" by Janis A Spring and "not just friends" but Shirley Glass. Both are considered experts in this field.

RE: Your W comment on the OMW trying to protect her H? That makes no sense. It doesnt sound right. Please know that it sometimes takes awhile to get the full story of the A to come out. It sounds like this is what is taking place in your situtation. WS's lie. Alot. It is the nature of the WS.

Until your W is willing to come clean and give you the full and complete story about the A you will never, ever get past this. You will not heal and trust will not be rebuilt. She must become completely transparent and hold back nothing. Perhaps I am wrong but I sense that is not the case.

RE: telling your children. Im not sure what to say on this one. I would be willing to bet that they already know something is up. If you were to tell them together that your W made some mistakes, had an A and now you are working to keep your M and family together, IMO, it would serve as a wonderful example of exactly what you should do in this circumstance.

There are so many wise and wonderful folks on this site. May of them have been here along time. The best advice I can give you is, listen to them - know what you are feeling is completely normal, let yourself grieve and just breathe.

god bless
JK


BS: Me, 43
FWH: 50
EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06
DDay: 4/29/06
NC: email 5/1/06

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Thanks JustKim

I've got a feeling that it all hasn't come out yet. My WW had to have the truth of the PA drug out of her and that may well be all she could offer up in one day. She may have had a sustained EA before and after the ONS and there were e-mails and pictures. I'm not done with this subject just yet bacause it still feels slimy.

As far as the kids go, I'll give her time and see what happens. She tells me I'm free to tell them " If I have too" but she desn't support it. We'll see where it goes.

There is a lot of really fresh pain and no one to turn to for help right now.

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Quote
Thanks JustKim

I've got a feeling that it all hasn't come out yet. My WW had to have the truth of the PA drug out of her and that may well be all she could offer up in one day. She may have had a sustained EA before and after the ONS and there were e-mails and pictures. I'm not done with this subject just yet bacause it still feels slimy.

As far as the kids go, I'll give her time and see what happens. She tells me I'm free to tell them " If I have too" but she desn't support it. We'll see where it goes.

There is a lot of really fresh pain and no one to turn to for help right now.

I think you should talk to the OMW and basically "compare notes". If she's got proof of the extent of the A, ask her for them. And let her know what you know about the A.

Do NOT trust a WS.


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Daddo

MiM is correct. Right now, everything your W is saying should be treated as suspect. It took me several weeks to get the truth and even now, I cant be sure that I still have it, 11 months later. I think I do but I will never know for sure.

Here is what I did, which I will be the first to tell you, was hard to do and frankly - h3ll.

I told my H I needed to know everything, that I wouldnt leave him IF he told me the truth. And then I set out to make it safe for him to do so. Every time he told me something, no matter how awful it was ( and believe me, it was AWFUL) - I would let him see my pain, and thank him for being honest. Period. No AO, DJ or anything of that nature.

I have to say I think it floored him. I know I gained his respect and admiration pretty quickly, not to mention his love and recommitment to our M in a much stronger way than before. The OW was busy trying to kill herself in our driveway,( literally) - stalking us and generally acting psychotic so I kept concentrating on being the calm in the center of the hurricane. That is how I got through the first 6 months.

I think your W needs to feel safe. Does she deserve that effort from you? Nope. But you need to do it.

There are no rewards for being right. I think Dr Harley said that in one of his books.

The pain you feel right now WILL get better. Not today, but it will get better.

Im routing for you.


BS: Me, 43
FWH: 50
EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06
DDay: 4/29/06
NC: email 5/1/06

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I'm going through a similar thing, and let me tell you it is ******. Unfortunately in my situation, my wife does not want to reconcile. She is continuing to see the OM, despite exposure, and believes that I can't control what she wants to do. I konw that I can't control her, but it is really hard sometimes not to wonder what she is doing, and with whom.

My D-Day was 2 weeks ago tomorrow, and it hasn't gotten easier in the least. I never thought I could ever feel so much pain and hurt as I do now. I've lost 15 pounds, I'm not sleeping, having panic attacks, etc. I know I have to take care of myself, but it's not so easy. I also have no energy to give to my children when I have them, which is not good, because the need extra love and support.

daddo3, be thankful that your wife is showing interest in working things out. It will give you hope, and something to work towards. But be careful, I thought at the beginning my wife was open to reconcile, but it was just another lie that many WS say, in order to make themselves feel better.

The lies are the hardest thing, as my wife was ALWAYS a brutally honest person. Now I can't believe most things that she says, and that hurts as well.

Good luck, and keep posting.

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It's been a rough couple of days. I told her I had to have the TRUTH and nothing less would work for us, and like you said JustKim, it hurts but it has to come out. She let me know that she had feelings for the OM and that had to be hard for her. He was her first and had become friends and she knows that there can be nothing now. I let her know that didn't matter to me and it's her s**t to deal with. Like you said, I have to deal with this stuff in a calm and rational manner, take what is mine and let her know I support her in working on whats hers

The OMW will not contact me, either that or she hasn't got the e-mails I sent thru her husband. Wife is adament about me not contacting her, says that she is trying to work on her marriage and she will tell me everything that I need to know. Still not sure what to do about that one, but may let it rest for my own sanity.

Felt like I almost broke with reality yesterday. All of this came down on me at once and the wife was angry and I tell myself that she is angry for having to settle for staying with me, like I'm some kinda F****n consolation prize. I actually left to drive out of state to go to this OMs home, but could not drive down the highway through the tears. Felt like I had lost her and was grieving the part of her that is gone, never to return, no matter what happens with us.

Today is a little better but theres no telling what tomorrow will bring. Hurting but here.

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"Wife is adament about me not contacting her, says that she is trying to work on her marriage and she will tell me everything that I need to know"""

This is a huge red flag here,it suggest that your wife is hiding things.You should contact OMW ASAP,to compare notes..


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Daddo

Marcus is right. HUGE red flag. She does not want you to expose because if you do, it is harder to continue.

Your W should be worried about protecting YOU and your M, not the OM's M. What she is really worried about is protecting her A.

You need to expose. It is hard but you will not lose anything that you already havent and frankly - you just might get the truth.

Hang in there.


BS: Me, 43
FWH: 50
EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06
DDay: 4/29/06
NC: email 5/1/06

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daddo3 Offline OP
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Spoke with the OM. Tried to reach the OMW, but got HIM instead. He backed up everything my wife had told me. They were old friends that got over involved and ended up having a one night stand. Doesn't make it any easier.

Wife is staying and willing to work out things. I will have trust issues though. So... thats where I am. Things are OK for now.

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Daddo

Please consider the fact that the WS mindset is that of a liar. Im sorry to say that. The OM cannot be trusted to tell the truth. Of course he is going to give you the same story as your WW.

I dont know. Maybe I am wrong but I think there is something amiss


BS: Me, 43
FWH: 50
EA/PA with My Friend Jan-Apr 06
DDay: 4/29/06
NC: email 5/1/06

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daddo3 -
Lets review some things that may help.

1. You don't have to stay. You have choices just like she does. You can CHOOSE to stay if you want to.

2. She could have left.
You mentioned that
" All of this came down on me at once and the wife was angry and I tell myself that she is angry for having to settle for staying with me, like I'm some kinda F****n consolation prize." .
Well, she could be gone, but she is still there. The reasons she stayed may be varied, but she is still there.

Maybe it would be easier if she was gone. Maybe it will take a long time to make a new, strong marriage. Remember though, you have choices.

3. Your choices won't go away if you try to make this work.
You can see how it goes. You can take a year, and see if your marriage becomes what you want. Your choices won't go away.

4. Often it is easier to walk away.
I have been reading on MB for about 5 years now. I have great respect for those who try to make it work. Bravery is not absence of fear. It is facing our fear. If you want to make it work, then more power to you. There are no promises with this. We don't know the outcome. I respect what you have done so far. I know you have doubts, but what a great thing it is that you have given her a chance.

5. It will be easier if you think of your wife like you would a drug addict. It is true she choose to do what she did. Addicts do that also. However, if you have studied much, you know that A's are an addiction, both emotional, and chemical. You can help the addict to dry out, or you can leave them with the problems of their own making, and let them find their own way out. There is something to be said for both approaches. IF you choose to help her, keep in mind that addicts have real problems, and need real help. Knowing that the addiction came from choices THEY MADE doesn't make it easier to fix the problems, or recover from them. It's still a long, hard road for both the addict, and those who love them.

Now,
Remember who you are, and what you want. What will you do?

What you will do, is a choice you are making, and will continue to make. I'm not sure if there is a right, or wrong to your choices at this point. Whatever it is you do, do it all the way -

If you choose to recover your marriage - make a plan, and stick to it. There will be bad parts to this. Bad days, and bad weeks. Make a plan, and a time line so you won't "loose it" during one of those bad times and quit in the middle of your plan.

Look at your progress from month to month. If it gets bad, and stays bad for a couple of months, you can revise the plan, or you can make other choices. REMEMBER, THE CHOICES WON'T GO AWAY.

This takes time. I would guess it will take from 18 momths, to 30 months to really get to a point where you know what the outcome will be. Do you have it in you to make a plan, and run it for that long?

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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I still choose to stay and fight for my marriage.

Pain is washing over me in waves. Sick to my stomach. Cannot sleep well. Chest is tight. Permanent knot in my throat.

I started back on anti depression meds. I'm trying to think positive thoughts. This is just so far beyond anything I've ever experienced.

How long does this last?

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How long it lasts depends on many things.

Your personal recovery, and the recovery of your marriage are two different things. You can personally recover and be healthy and happy mentally, physically, and emotionally no matter what happens to your marriage.

Do consult with your doctor, and take the anti-d's as long as needed.

Many have found it helps to take a look at their lives and make changes in any areas that need work.

It gives you something to do that is constructive instead of dwelling on the bad things.

If you can find the book "Mans search for meaning" by Viktor Frankl I think it could help you turn the feelings around a lot sooner. Many libraries have it, so it wouldn't cost you anything.

Getting Dr Harleys book "Surviving an Affair" is also helpful, and can give you help formulating a plan for recovery.

The movies that play in your head will go away in time. They will go away faster if you have a plan, and are working on it daily.

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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daddo3,
If only the OWH had let me know. It went on for another 8 mos. The OW intentionally got knocked up by my WH because her husband wouldn't let her. That extra 8 months did a lot more damage to my marriage. We are now 2 yrs after D-day. It's not perfect, but it does get better with time. I quit the anti-depressants 9 months ago.
Did you tell your kids? They may already know, they're smarter than we give them credit for, also they sometimes think it is them causing the problems. We didn't tell, the oldest is out of the house, the youngest not old enough to understand then. The youngest doesn't understand why I was a basket case, the oldest "why is mom being so weird and depressed?"
Expose to OMW, do not go through OM. He and WW have gotten their stories together, neither can be believed and ALL contact with OM must stop or WW should be Plan B'ed.

We feel your pain and hope the best for you!

FTS


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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daddo3 - here is a rule of thumb that will help you. You can tell when a WS is lying (and your wife is still a WS). It's easy. Her lips will be moving.

OM'sW at this point is an ally and should be used so you can BOTH compare notes until you KNOW your wife is telling the truth.

Your wife wants you to cut off contact? ROTFLMAO. I WONDER why that would be. LOL.

Please also read as much as you can here as well as the books already recommended.

Additionally, as aweful as it is, Dr Harley recommends children be told about infidelity in an age appropriate manner. Your kids are old enough to know. Our youngest son was 13 and we told him along with or other children.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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How many believe this should be the way to start to mend your marriage?
"Until your H is willing to come clean and give you the full and complete story about the A you will never, ever get past this. You will not heal and trust will not be rebuilt. He must become completely transparent and hold back nothing."
I hear so many opinions and what really gets me is when I hear that you don't need to know with whom or when your WWH had/has the A. I feel he should tell me ALL; otherwise there is no hope!
AM I WRONG???


Me- BW 47 Him- WWH 49 2 daughters/ 21 & 15 D-DAY - 3/5/07 PLAN A ONGOING "ONLY TWO DEFINING FORCES HAVE OFFER TO DIE FOR YOU; JESUS CHRIST AND THE AMERICAN SOLDIER. ONE DIED FOR YOUR SOUL, THE OTHER FOR YOU FREEDOM!!"
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