http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

There is a link to my original post, but I have a specific question for the vets.

My wife is so strong in her feelings for the OM. Can I expect the clouds to clear, and for her to come back wanting me again? I know I probably will be over her by then, but I'm really having a hard time letting go of her, and imagining my life without her.

Thanks

elproducto, the chances that this will work out are not good given that you are seperated. That gives her more opportunity to carry on her affair and increase her feelings for the OM. If you weren't seperated and the affair was exposed I would say you have a much better opportunity.

But being seperated only increases the risk of divorce and increases the odds that the affair will grow stronger. Seperation is ALWAYS a bad idea and should only be used as a last resort.

I just read some more...

wow, you were given excellent advice on how to save your marriage from other vets who HAVE saved their marriages, and you didn't take it. Why, my friend? There is much you can do to stop this affair and save your marriage! Why would you choose to not do it? This is far from hopeless and you have just given up? WHY?

My problem is, I have exposed the affair, and she totally refuses to a non contact agreement. She says that I cannot control her, and she has the right to do whatever she wants.

What is so painful, is that I know she is living in a bubble, and this is so unlike her, her actions her words.. it just isn't her. But how can I MB if she truly believes she has nothing to give me?

I'm so scared to lose her.

To whom did you expose the affair? Who is her boyfriend? Have you exposed to Human Resources? Is he married? Does he have children?

I've exposed to her and my families, friends.. he is divorced and has 2 small children.

She is so adamant that he is her "soulmate", even though he is exactly twice her age.

I know that if she would just give us a chance, we could work it out.. but she just won't have it.

Smack!!!

Bob Pure's grasshopper here. Just smelled your fear halfway across the forum and decided to pop in.



What would you do if you weren't afraid? Ask yourself that. Getting rid of the fear is much easier than getting rid of the hurt, so let's get started. That's your homework tonight in the quiet hours of your mind. Ask yourself what would you do if you weren't afraid of losing her, of loss, of a life without her. She thinks you can't live without her in your life. She's right at the moment. Do you think that makes her respect you more or less as a result? Answer: She's in an A, she does not respect you. Do you respect yourself? That's where it all starts, with you. Get mad, I'm getting mad with and for you. Funnel that angry energy into kicking into action for YOU, get hot on the Plan A stuff.




Sounds like a personal problem. She's right. You can't control her, and she does have the right to make whatever sh*t choices she wants to. Poor choices usually result in consequences. What consequences for her actions has she experienced? Boundaries time, my friend. Boundaries. You have communicated what No Contact means, and that you desire it. No need to communicate it for a little while, actions speak longer than words. Will you remain in a marriage of three? Will you tolerate continued disrespect? Do you think you have an ice cubes chance in hizzell if you do? Answer: Nope. Identify and establish boundaries. One of them should be "I will not be involved in a marital triangle". One of the most common things I see is that us men, by our ultra-manly nature, want to have control over something that we just can't control. That's hard, isn't it? Well, get used to it with your WW. You chase...she runs. It's hard to accept the fact that a WW will make her own choices, and we have zero control over that. We can influence things - and what little we can do to influence things should be implemented. For example, exposure. Expose, expose, expose. What else? Plan A - all about YOU. Are you making yourself the more attractive option?



It isn't her. It's a dumb alien who is working you like a rag doll at the moment. According to her, your marriage is crap, it was a mistake, and both of you would be miserable together. FogKaKa. Let it roll off you, and get used to it. Until the fog lifts, that will be the storyline of everything she says to you. You know what she can "give" to you in a marriage. Doesn't matter what she thinks about that right now, all she is thinking about at the moment is what OM can give her and what she can give him.

Quiet strength. Confidence. Resolve. That's what you CAN control.

I'm gonna read your link now. That's my $.02 on just what I read here.

I'm pulling for you and every betrayed husband out there - the biggest mistake you can make is falling to pieces. We all do, it's a matter of how long it takes you to grab your cahones and take charge of the situation. WW wants a MAN.

What would you do if you weren't afraid, my friend?

Did you expose to Human Resources? What about his parents?

How do you KNOW he is divorced?

They all call their affair partners "soulmate;" it is just mindless FOGBABBLE.

What do her parents say about her affair? Did you personally tell them?

She doesn't work at a job that has HR.

I know he's divorced because he was a "friend" of ours for a few years.

So when do they snap out of the fog?

Everyone seems to be telling her that she needs to get rid of the guy. Especially people that know him, say he is a vulture. Her parents are against it, as are her friends. She doesn't care what other people are saying though, because she says that her feelings are so strong for him.

I also feel that her/our counselor is not telling her to stop the affair. I feel that she feels that our marriage has been bad for 2 years. I have dropped the couples counseling, because I don't get the impression the counselor has any belief that our marriage can be saved.

Time for a new counselor.



That's a good sign that people are telling her what a DB OM is. Of course, she doesn't care. Waywards never do. That's the script.



When the affair is over and they have gone through (completely) withdrawal. You have a long road ahead.



He's not a friend. He's a DB. We've established that, let's move on.



But she has a boss, eh?

Expose to KEY people who can have an influence on the affair. I always recommend a balance between key people and everyone and their mother. You are not painting the scarlet letter on her, you are fighting for your marriage. In the same breath, I'll tell you it's better to expose when in doubt than not at all.

The thing that really upsets me, is I truly believe that her wanting out of the marriage is as a result of the affair. I believe that she feels pressure by the OM, and he is preying on her vulnerability. Now don't get me wrong, she is just as accountable, but I can't help think that she is afraid to end it. But no-one can help her do that but herself. And she just won't agree to non-contact, despite all of the exposure.

She doesn't agree that the counselor is wrong for her.. she thinks that this lady is the best thing since sliced bread, and knows everything about her. Unfortunately I know she isn't even being honest to the counselor.

The other thing that bothers me, is she says she doesn't want to hurt me, and she loves me as a friend but she can't help what she feels she needs to do. I know this is WS talk, but I just don't understand how someone who I know has love for me, can hurt me so badly.

Man, despite the hurt and pain she is causing me, I still can't picture my life without her, and I miss her so much. Talk about being screwed up.

Ok, this is weird.

I was looking for my copy of "Surviving an Affair", and I think my wife may have taken it to read.

Is this a good thing?

I'm confused as to how I should react with regards to her hugging me every time we see each other. I don't want the kids to see me be a jerk, but the hugging is really hurting my attempts to detach.

You would be correct - she thinks she wants out of the M as a result of the affair.



That's usually the case.



MC is a mutual thing. No harm in changing counselors. You want a pro-marriage counselor. Waywards usually don't want a pro-marriage counselor. She can see this counselor, you can't stop that. But you don't have to see this counselor...



Sounds like typical fogtalk. Recognize it for what it is. I've heard it, you've heard it, we've all heard it. Take comfort in knowing that you are not the first.



Take some time to pull yourself together - you won't be doing anyone any good until you approach from a position of personal strength. I know it sucks, you are experiencing a life changing event wrought with pain. Look into getting some AD's to take the edge off. Strangely enough, they usually don't come back until you are able to picture your life without her. Drop that fear, and you'll see results in YOU and HER. It's hard, I know. It takes time and effort.

Your sitch and they way you are reacting is so similar to mine, its scary. My WW moved out and I have been given excellent advice by everyone here, yet I can't make myself do it. I can not find the strength to implement the proper plan.

Try to find the inner strength my friend. If you truly want to save this M, you MUST listen to the others here and do exactly the opposite of what I am doing here http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

I to, will try to find the strength with you. m Lets do this together. Lets hold each other accountable. We need to listen to those who have come before us and seen a way out of our pain. Who have seen a way to recovery. Come on brother, be strong. Just read my thread and what advice I have gotten and my refusal to listen to it and see where it has gotten me. I am on the verge of a D.....and it may or may not have been able to be saved, but I will never know because I did not act. Don't make the same mistake as me!


VS

How can she cause me so much hurt. I just called to touch base, and find out where she would be tonight, in case I needed anything. She says she is staying at OM's house. My heart just shattered. She knows how much it hurts me, and she just keeps doing it again and again... I just don't understand how anyone can do this to someone.

This is a WS that you're talking about. The only thing they really care about is the "high" they get from the A.

I'm now officially sick of being a doormat. She expects me to be "friends" with her!? I'm done.. I need to get on with my life, this woman doesn't give a crap about me or my feelings. I'm just going to cut her off, and she can feel what it's like. I'm going to expose her afair to EVERYONE, which will hurt her in the long run, because she has her own business, and we live in a small town. I will NOT live in pain waiting for her to smarten up. She will realize that she has no future with this man, and by then it will be too late. She will have ruined her reputation, and lost friends in the process.

How do I do this, without making mistakes that could hurt me in a divorce. And how do I make myself get OVER her, it is so hard.

No, you should not "be her friend." That means she wants you to be nice while she puts it to you so she doesn't have to deal with your squealing.

You should do exactly what we have told you to do in Plan A. Expose the affair whereever you can, protect your finances, and do not enable her. No lovebusting.

Here is your plan:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


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Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.