could be, Sis

but sometimes I wonder ... if the affair is not a

~get out of jail~

card

for very few

I am NOT talking about a majority, by any means

a minority, for sure

Pep

Ok Pep how about this.

Before my FWW's A I was having serious doubts about my M. It wasn't very good for me.

I had ulterior motives if you will to attmept recovery after her A.

My ulterior motive was Child Custody. I wanted more then I would have gotten.

Others may have other ulterior motives. IE if they stay married a little longer they get long term alimony or they can fisnish school or whatever.

The real goal is to extend the M not recovery.

The thinking being that if they can stay M'd one more......life after D will be easier.

So I came here hoping to hear the answers I wanted to hear.

Didn't happen though but I was willing to plan A. Right that made sense to me. Improve myself.

Over time I decided to comitt to my M.

So yes if you want to know if people come here so they say they tried. I am sure they did.

To remain the victim, of course.

Hey,I resemble that remark <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes. I do not buy that some people are literally so traumatized that they cannot come up with a plan to protect themselves.

Some people probably did want to get divorced before their S cheated. Some will use it as a weapon.

Wouldn't that just be the perfect out? Especially for religious people who feel they need a biblically acceptable out. Or for people who need "cause", or for people who want to look like the good guy who got screwed and justify taking the spouse to the cleaners.

I do not see very many people who are that cold or calculating though, thank God. So maybe it is sub-conscious to them.

But all have the same ability to overcome. I will never believe that someone is unable to come up with a plan or take a stand unless there opinion of themselves was very, very low to begin with and this just was the straw that broke the camels back.

The only person who may have been completely unable that I saw on here was "Cruise", and I think he wanted to self-destruct.

Or is that not what you had in mind either Pep?

So Pep here is a question.

When you say
Does that mean before the A started?

I mean I might want out of my M because my WS is acting like a WS. Then the Discovery feels like a get out of jail free card.

No wonder my M has sucked these last 2 years my H has been boinking his secretary and her sister. LOL.

maybe

I do NOT know these things to be true ... I am simply trying to work out in my mind what is going on in certain instances where nothing makes sense to me ~ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Pep,

I "could" fall into this catagory, maybe. Or maybe, in my case, I am afraid to seek out complete or satisfying recovery because then I would let go of what I call Plan ihdia...if he does it again. I carry that plan with me "just in case." I think I do that because I somehow believe (probably unrealistically) that being prepared for a repeat, I will somehow be spared the same level of pain.

Make sense?

Who

Okay, I'll chime in.........

You could have prefaced this by saying .......... Life2short, .............


I have been given some awesome advice here........ still getting some.

In my situation, I think you are right. I've been married 10 years. I've gone through a lot including an A in the first year of our marriage. I have often thought that I didn't want to go through the rest of my life with someone who cared so little ...........for whatever reason........that they would betray our vows and share with another person the most intimate part of our relationship; the part that made us "one".

I always "wanted" to go back home but could never make myself go back for more than a couple of weeks at a time.

I hated dealing with his kids, especially his son. I hated how nasty he could be and I saw things in myself in dealing with his kids and the way our marriage was going that I hated.

I don't want to be alone and it was comforting to know that there was someone I was linked to but I couldn't bring myself to commit to marriage or divorce. Either way is h*ll.

I did Plan A (I think) but have never done a Plan B. I could go a couple of days w/o talking to him but, if he called I answered. I know that he is vindictive and I was afraid that he would destroy my belongings if I didn't stay in touch/allow contact.

I was also afraid of what he was telling me he would do, i.e. spill the beans on my past. His threats kept me involved and in contact.

Also, I became immune to the apologies because they didn't ring true. He apologized but always did it again mainly verbal/emotional abuse.

I am a conflict avoider and I'm codependent based on some thngs from my childhood. I'm trying to work through those things now via counseling and self help through books.

I wanted the relationship to be what it was before the trouble began but, after you repair a shattered vase you can still see the crack. You know it's there and your eye is always drawn to that spot. No one else may even notice but, you know it's there.

And yes, I've played a big part in the demise of my marriage. I didn't handle his kids well, I didn't handle his desire to continually buy and sell vehicles well, I didn't insist on counseling after the first A. I never told anyone about it b/c I was ashamed. I talked to the guy at church and shouldn't have.

I read some of the posts on here and wonder what's wrong with me that I'm not 100% devoted to making my marriage work regardless of what has happened. Why don't I feel that way? Why am I so wishy washy?

Of course, I am now divorced (as of 3-28) so it's a non issue.

Anyway, I'm your poster girl!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Bingo!

This is what I see on here ALL the time. Indecisiveness. The inability to make a decision about wanting to stay marriage or not.

If I would describe anyone as "unable", it would be the indecisiveness that is making it so.

Understandable, but not going to recover your marriage as you already pointed out.

I know a lady who did recover her marriage but was not sure she wanted to. Her husband had moved out during his affair.

Do you know how she handled this indecisiveness? "It is not my job at this time to decide if I want to stay married to him, it is my job to attract him back. Then I will decide if I want him."

And she did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

That was an excellent post btw life2short. You have a good handle on yourself.

Sorry Pep.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />bwhaaaaaaaaaa <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

what did you do?

Pep

Yes !!

trouble is, how do you tell? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Muddled the question.

I'm guilty of muddling. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pep,
IMO, another reason a BS may vacillate btwn working on the M and seeming to be OK w/ D could be b/c it's a decisive conclusion to the M?
Take the BS who decides to work on the M but always wonders if their FWS is lying to them again (b/c they were so good at it in the first place), is in contact w/ the OP or some other person? Once trust is broken, gluing the shattered remnants back together still leaves scars.

If this same BS does nothing to help recovery and the M finally deteriorates into a D, then a decision has been made, though in a conflict avoidance kind of way. That BS will never have to wonder if their FWS will ever betray, lie and hurt them again.

Some people just want a decision made for them, whether it's good or bad. Not a recommended way to live one's life but lots of people make decisions by not deciding.

V/r,
No Way

I get the impression that you are viewing "sit on one's hands" and "taking a stand" as an either/or choice.

ie: if the person doesnt implement plan B (or some other similar ultimatum) after the timeframe Pep thinks is a "prolonged period", they are just "watching their marriage be destroyed".

is that accurate?

But FOR ME, either way was not HE//..ONLY DIVORCE....

Not for one instance could I IMAGINE DIVORCE being other than LIVING HE//...I could not ENVISION LIVING WITHOUT MY HUSBAND...

So I was SOOO THANKFUL to find MARRTIAGEBUILDERS where the main focus was DIVORCE IS NOT YOUR ONLY OPTION!!

I was SOOOO relieved to learn this..because out here in this world there's an expectation to KICK HIM TO THE CURB if you suspect or discover an AFFAIR...

Maybe it has to do with LOVE DEPOSITS...

Prior to the affair, my H had been WONDERFUL in many ways..

Sure, we had a BAD SPELL there when he became involved with the OW..but even within that time period..there were many LOVING ACTS AND HAPPY TIMES....

Maybe part of it has to do with whether or not there were PRIOR GOOD TIMES IN THE MARRIAGE...whether the marriage has a PREVIOUS GOOD HISTORY...

But, I bet Steve Harley would say that if the couple loved each other to get married, then the couple can FALL IN LOVE AGAIN...since the MB viewpoint is that LOVE IS A VERB....

I am NOT talking about "working on the marriage"

I AM talking about protection of the self

different

Pep

I thought you might think that...

I WAS PROTECTING MYSELF FROM THE HORRIBLE NOTION (to me) OF DIVORCE...

You don't quite understand that I equated that to DEATH...

Having a PLAN was a FORM of SELF-PROTECTION making me able to GO ON WITH LIFE!!!

Can you please be more clear then? I don't understand what you mean by "protection of the self". Do you have an example?

And does it make a difference Pep, if it is intentional or not, this lack of self- protection? ( I kept having that question throughout this whole discussion)

What time frame are you considering?

A few months after D-Day? A few years?


What kind of adultery are you considering?

A half-drunk ONS; first, last and only? Serial adulterer? Ten-year LTA with multiple D-Days?


What kind of BS are you considering?

Cowed, semi-abused, beaten down for years, scared? Self-confident, outgoing, relatively fearless?


And finally, what kind of advice are you considering?

Exposure, Plan A and Plan B? Long-term recovery issues such as EN meeting, POJA and RH? Or esoteric, highly personal, hard to quantify and impossible for a third person to understand if the BS brain is firing on all cylinders thought control and damage control stuff (like some people’s concepts of forgiveness)?

With prayers,


PS: What would you think about a BS that states they will take as long as the A lasted before deciding anything final? That everything up until then is damage control - ATTEMPTED recovery, see how it goes, a test?

Yea..for me "working on the marriage" was done in order to "protect myself"...

I had to "WORK" on the marriage and not just to GIVE UP..I would have felt POWERLESS and HOPELESS which are primary feelings in DEPRESSION...

And how else can you PROTECT yourself effectively from a WS if you are continuing to live with him????