Why You Don't Have to Have Sex to Cheat
Test your emotional faithfulness with 8 questions
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By M. Gary Neuman

Updated: 2 hours, 38 minutes ago
All of us know that adultery — sex outside the marriage — is one of the gravest blows to a relationship as well as a painful rejection for one partner. But you don’t have to have sex with anyone else to be unfaithful. Emotional infidelity is just as — and at times even more —destructive to relationships. Couples I counsel are absolutely outraged when I tell them that they could well be committing emotional infidelity when they flirt with co-workers, send around funny e-mails to colleagues, or hang out with members of the opposite sex at gatherings. But they are, and so, probably, are you.

You’re not going to want to hear this, but stopping this kind of behavior is the single most important thing you can do for your relationship. It’s not about where it may lead. It’s about where it has already gone — far from your focus on your relationship. Remember what it is you’ve always wanted from your committed relationship, and start considering the large, determined commitment that is absolutely necessary to creating a happy coupling.

What’s the harm in a man having a casual friendship with a woman when either has a partner? Or a married woman having a casual friendship with another man? Surely, every friendship doesn’t lead to an affair. Yet we forget the emotional harm of relating to someone outside the relationship when that same energy can be used to relate to our own spouse. A committed relationship is about relating to another person with an intimacy felt with no one else.


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How do you know if you're being unfaithful?
Consider your personal relationships:


When you hear a funny joke or good piece of gossip, do you first tell other colleagues? By the time you get home, have you chewed it all over so much at the office that you don’t feel like telling it again to your partner?


Do you discuss all of your work problems (or issues involving volunteer work or other important things you are involved in) so thoroughly with colleagues that you’re all talked out by the time you return home?


Do you feel like it would take too long to review and explain the entire issue from scratch to your partner?


Do you go out alone to lunch or after work for drinks with members of the opposite sex?


Do you enjoy harmless (by your definition) flirtation at a cocktail party?


Do you believe that getting emotionally excited by flirting with someone else is helpful to your relationship?


Do you think it helps educate you as to what you need more of from your partner?


Do you tell yourself that the juice you get from flirting with others brings more vitality to your relationship?


Do you spend as long buying the “right gift” for a colleague as you do for your own partner?


Do you ride in a car sharing with someone else pleasant, personal conversations on the way to meetings or other work-related events?


Do you share intimate issues about yourself or relationship with a member of the opposite sex?



If you’re doing any of these things, you’re being emotionally unfaithful to your partner. You have only so much energy. If you’re spending it with co-workers or outside the home and then getting home and feeling too tired to spend anymore on your partner, that’s emotional infidelity. You’re effectively relocating vital relationship energy into the hands of others. Forget about where it might end up. Even if you never touch this other person, you have still used that person to relate to, and in doing so, you relate away from your partner.

You may be shaking your head and disagreeing. But I’ve spent years helping couples pool their energies toward each other, and it has changed their relationship immediately. Stop all of these outside relationships and bring all your emotional and sexual energy home to your partner, and you, too, will change your relationship immediately.

Re: MSN Article: "Why You DON'T Have to Have SEX to CHEAT"

Thanks DG63 for the link to the infidelity article this was linked to.

I was thumped between the eyes with this and now my MR. ROMANCE Chapter 6 I am writing might now be Chapter 7.

Here's my challenge: My H knows about MB, he can log on anytime, he knows my onscreen name so he can read anything I write (but chooses not to as far as I know), he willingly reads any posts I call to his attention, but he has seemingly had an aversion to writing or reading long letters or emails since I've known him. He has actually mentioned posting his feelings sometime on MB which I highly encourage but will not force.

Half of my MB posts are to/from men on this public forum. Some involve joking comments I DON'T tell my H for a myriad of reasons....he's not really interested, he can read it for himself if he wants to, he has other things he'd rather talk about....he trusts me and wants me to read/post on MB because it is helping me heal and will help our M recover.

Does this MSN article support or challengs any MB boundary principles for anyone besides me?

---------------------
BS me 53
FWH 56 (EA 4/06)
Married 1974

DD #1 June, 06
DD #2 a week later
DD #3 month after #2 (same OW online, phone, mail, video)
Email NC - 8/06
DD #4 Nov, 06 WH lied about online "just checking to see if I can resist OW" activities
WH Handwritten NC - 12/06
Exposure to OPS - 2/07

Healing & in recovery (See MR ROMANCE Saga for details #3189608)

"Remember the power of faith far outdistances the temporary pain of fear!" N/O MC

This article re-enforces everything I believe and it would be great for my ex to read and understand why I had such a hard time with her having friends of the opposite sex. She never understood it and thought it was harmless.

Well, I was hurt by her "just playing video games" with a friend. It was something I thought she and I did together and I found her doing it with another man. She thought I was unreasonably jealous, yet this article re-enforces everything I feel about friends of the opposite sex in marriage. Thanks. It lets me know I'm not crazy.

Her own actions show that she still doesn't get it since she used myspace to "meet and make friends". Almost all were male, of course. Once I dug further I discovered infidelity. Her "harmless meetings for coffee" weren't so innocent.

This will be a huge problem for her in future relationships because I don't think many men are comfortable with the idea of their wife running around with male friends. Her actions show that "just friends" doesn't always stay that way and agree that all the energy spent texting her male friends and meeting with them would have been better spent invested in our relationship and marriage.

Hi Ace!

You raise a couple important points.

First- there have been inappropriate relationships started on these MB forums in the past. That's why the administrators disabled the ability to "private message" someone. So your concern is valid.

Second- Is is OK to joke with men other than your husband? Is it ok for you to discuss "intimate issues" with other men? That's exactly what we do here, right?

I think your approach is good and protects your marriage. As you point out, your posts are not secret from your husband- he can read them any time. And you invite him to do so!

You can further protect your marriage by letting your husband know if you are engaging more often with a particular male poster than others.

We don't really want to go extreme here! I think getting a guy's perspective is very helpful, so I don't think it's wise or healthy to limit interactions with posters of the same gender. I read somewhere that "infidelity is defined by your spouse." I think that's an excellent measuring stick. If your husband's ok with it, then no problem!

(Thank you for your other reply in the recovery board- I'll need to get back to that one later. Busy day today, and your questions require some thought! No pity parties allowed... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)
~Saturn

Hey Saturn,

Thanks for your insight. Your post on the Recovery thread is quite intriguing, too.

Did not know why the private message tab was disabled. Interesting, but I can see why.

When did that happen....and what actually brought it to light?

Ace

While some of this article may be true, I contend that there is nothing, absolutely NOTHING compared to your spouse SCR$&%WING someone else.

It doesn't even come close.

JMO

Problems arise when you want to and have tried to focus that energy to relate and become more intimate with your own spouse and they are closed up and not open to it. When someone comes along who gives (or seems to) that, it can be such an overpowering temptation.

Amen to that M_A_Z I agree with that 100%. How can you have a R with someone that doesn't seem to want to have a R?

No clue.

I think it's the definition of R that's a problem.

Those "someones" think they are having a handy dandy, everything's just fine, relationship, despite how much the spouse is trying to communicate otherwise.

The article's author says:



MD,

Glad this article struck you, too, in a little different way than me. My H has NO friendships with other women now (that I know about, at least). I still do, but H knows about them.

rlt,

I have no way of knowing (and never want to find out) how to compare the pain of an EA vs. a PA. I would assume that aside from the STD aspect, a ONS involving NO emotion might be similar on the pain-ometer to a 10 year EA (with virtual sex) due to the enormity of such secrecy. It would be interesting to see/hear a comparison from BSs who have suffered both.

Saturn,


You provided the foundation for my need to move my present MR. ROMANCE Saga chapter 6 to 7 and write a new chapter 6. This is quite an insight, as well as it provides a premonition of 'what might have happened if.....'


MAZ and DIG,

Your comments above describe most of the first 32 years of our M. Unfortunately my H's 4 month EA was one of the side effects.

Fortunately, he was busted before it became a PA.

Unfortunately, I initially entertained relieved thoughts of "finally, I have a reason to justify getting out".

Fortunately, on D Day #1 our DS25 challenged my H (and then me) to fight for our family.

And fortunately (at least for now) a seemingly magical force came over my H after D Day #1 which included H suggesting MC for the first time.

Unfortunately, H did not respect the first MC (we had been seeing him at my insistence for 5 years), and lied to him (and me) during the first 7 sessions we paid nearly $1K to endure pre MB, even while we were reading "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass recommended by our first MC.

Fortunately, I found SAA by chance (or destiny) in the fall of 06 and then HNHN, and then LBs, and then FIL,SIL.

And fortunately a previous MC (who was such a close friend of H's that H did NOT want to call him after D Day #1) called me on unrelated business and after asking how H and I were doing, suggested we contact him after I told him we'd been having a few 'trust' issues. He is a big endorser of MB principles, even suggesting that H NEVER turn on a computer without me or someone I trust watching over his shoulder! (And H agrees!)

Ultra-fortunately, I discovered this web site and forum and H has seemingly continued to choose me and our M.

Thanks for the input. It'd be great for anyone (WS or BS) who has suffered both EA and PA to weigh in on a comparison.

Ace

I'm one who has suffered both EA & PA on 2 different occasions. The first was a ONS w/a friend & the other was a 7 month EA. The ONS was more easy to forgive for me. However, it really wasn't dealt with so I believe that led to the EA years later. The EA was harder for me to deal with b/c knowing that he took the love was reserved for me was given to someone else was devastating for me. Knowing that she was the one getting all of his deepest thoughts, desires, etc. & I was getting the scraps was very difficult to deal with.

We now do not put anyone else in the way of our M ever again. Yes, I still have a male friend that I confide in. He & I are very close, but more like a brother & a sister. He has a girlfriend & I am married. My H knows about this male friend & even gets along w/him very well. I think the problem lies when one spouse has a friend of the opposite sex & withholds information from their spouse or the spouse has no idea who this friend is or what they talk about. Thats secretive. And that's destruction.

Ace, My H has no female friendships at all now. I still have my male friend. And it's not that I told him that he can't be friends w/a female. Could it be that they don't trust themselves around other women?

Ohhhhh....ST aka Y,

Does your sig line mean 'lost_boys' posts on MB? If so, way cool....who started, how did you find MB, was the second poster aprehensive to start?

I truly appreciate your input. So you thought the 7 month EA was worst than a ONS, huh? I see how one could perpetuate another if it wasn't dealt with initially.

Like Saturn said, the spouse's comfort level (and your mentioning secrecy issue) could be the determining factors regarding boundary issues.

Any other BS's with the same or a different perspective?

Ace

Ace,

I can sort of relate to both an EA over a ten year span. H had a creepy obsession with a woman he met while we were both going to college, umm, 28 years ago??? He wrote poetry and songs, to and about her for most of my marriage, on and off. I tried to implement "boundaries," but he always somehow convinced that what he was doing was "okay."

So, is THAT an emotional affair? I dunno. I guess you could classify as such. But he never had any contact with her. So, maybe not. Did it cause me pain? YES. Immense pain. It contantly weighed on me, weighed on my self worth, weighed on my ability to be a good wife and mom. I know that sounds weird, but it played sick, psychological games with my head for a long, long time.

Then, the real thing. A real affair. Who'da guessed it?
So which was worse ... hmmm. The PA, I would say, because it became so REAL in my mind. Because it WAS REAL.

I, like ST, have a couple of male friends. And one, it turns out, was the cause (or at least an excuse for the cause) of my H to decide it was okay to have an A. Strange, huh?

EA? I don't think so. I never professed love to him. I never had phone sex with him. Did I talk about my relationship with him? Yeah, but nothing I didn't repeatedly say to my own H.

My other male friend was a godsend to me as he held my hand via the telephone throughout the entire DDay disaster. But he never in any way, shape, or form, put the "moves" on me. He was, of course, a male. He was a pragmatic. He had been through all kinds of infidelity (on his part), and subsequent divorce. He could tell me everything that was going to happen before it happened. He gave me insight to the male wayward mind. He was always, and continues to be, a friend to my marriage.

So, EA? I think not.

Ace, yes, my H used to post on here. His screenname is lost_boyz. He only posted a few times. And the only reason he did the first one was b/c I had caught him in another lie one year after we were supposed to be recovering. He had initiated an e-mail to the OW. And I fumed. I came on here telling everyone that I was going to D him. He came on to apologize publicly & then only posted a few more times.

My H's not one for writing. He's also a very slow reader. By the time he's done reading a thread, time has flown by. So he just stopped posting altogether.

I had found MB amost a month past d-day. I was searching for marital help online & I came across this one & divorcebusting. I registered to both sites. I read a lot at first & then finally got the courage to post my story. I've been here ever since, taking the occasional break when things get too heated on here or I've let other's stories affect my own recovery. After a while, I stopped posting on divorcebusting b/c MB just seemed more of a Christian approach for me which is what I was interested in. And the friends I've found here are invaluable to me. They're my new support system for everything. I believe wholeheartedly in the MB principles & apply them daily to our M. My H agrees w/a lot of what Harley has to say & he also applies the techniques to our M. I tell you, if we would have found this site when he had his ONS so many years ago, we probably never would have experienced the EA later.

But that's the beauty of hindsight isn't it?

RLT (can't call you RT cuz of Lilsis' thread)

Yeah, I see what you mean about gray area EA. But did you ever find out things that he was trying to hide from you? That would be the start of an EA, according to what the article says and our discussion so far. It sounds like he did not think he needed to hide his stuff. But that does sound creepy......could there have been more and if so, would you want to know about it now?

I mentioned the article to my H this morning and when I mentioned guys I had been friends with years ago, he could not even remember many of them. I was almost sorry I brought it up.

What other perspectives do BS or WS have regarding EA/PA comparisons.

Ace

Dang, I'd love to stay and chat but I gotta get to work. I'll check in later.

Thanks for the info, Y....I do have other questions I'll save for later.

Ace

ace, yeah, he did hide the stuff all the time. But not real well, and I would find it. I'm certain that to this day, there is old songs and poetry buried in boxes, slipped between books, still lying around. I'm not supposed to look, though. He's supposed to go through and clean it all up, according to counselor. I've asked on several occasions if there was more, because, yeah, at this point, I would just like to know everything, thank you. But he always says no, says I "know" everything.

ST,



2 years before his A, my H had set up a little business with a mutual friend (divorced female) he did not even try to hide but neither did he tell me about it.....I found out through emails from her that spoke of their partnership and he downplayed it...but because of the state of our M, I didn't really care that much.

Recently, he insisted I attend a company holiday party at his new job and introduced me to all the female coworkers he barely seems to know (which, thankfully seems to be mutual). He says he has no desire to meet, talk with or hang out with anyone than me. (guys or gals!) We are together every hour that we are not working....except for what I'll describe in my MR. ROMANCE chapter 7.

This thread will be he foundation for chapter 6. So all the input I can get regarding opposite sex friendships (might most or all of them be EAs?) will be helpful research.

Ace

Mine says the same thing about only wanting to hang out w/me. It's ironic b/c pre-A, I used to be the clingy one & my H hated it. Now it seems the roles have reversed.

ST,

I was never 'clingy' but Pre-A, we could go for days, weeks and even months not speaking to each other about anything important.

The tough part is between D-Days 1 & 3, we were supposedly inseperable, had SF nearly every day/night, did all kinds of things we never had done before (but I had wanted to) and HE WAS SECRETLY STILL IN TOUCH WITH that OW!

That's becauee I did not know about withdrawal and had tried to return to blind trust immediately. I'm so sad that it is gone forever.

I'm sure that my attempts to be friends with the OW so I could 'help' her didn't do much to help our R, especially when I discovered how rancid her lies were, too. But I had defended her which may be why H realized much sooner what a despicable person she really was and still is. (Combined with an OWH who seems to have his head in the sand, I'm sure it won't be long before her life implodes.....I do care, but not enough to do anything about it....that's God's job....if she'll quit lying and let Him.)

Now our R is improving steadily and is becoming the M I never dreamed we'd ever have for the first 32 years.

Any other perspectives of EAs and opposite sex 'friendships'?

Ace