I guess I have some serious thinking to do. Now is the desicion I will regret forever or realize that it was the right thing to do. <P>No trust & lostva,<BR>One minute I think Plan B is the way to go and the next I am scared of doing it. I love her so much but I'm not sure if she believes how commited I am. If I run away and hide while she is doing her thing is that showing love?? I just cannot tolerate this pain, It is affecting everything I do. Every minute of every day I think of this. I wonder if she does??<P>Lor,<BR>I always get something from your replies and I thank you for responding. It's not that I am in a hurry to divorce, I am not. I still do not want this, but I cannot heal with this continuing pain being inflicted on me. It is not a matter of giving my heart and soul to someone else, I am so not ready to be in another relationship for a long time. Heck the way I feel now days, I will never marry again after this. <P>M4B,Fighter,Sheba,<BR>I guess because I am so close to the situation that I didn't see any real response to Plan A but I kept on trying. Like Shattered said, She cheats on me, I cheat on her and now she is cheating on me again........ I don't get it. Maybe she is trying to get back at me but I don't know. Why would she ?? She already got the biggest "get back " of all. She devestated me beyond all words and through the hurt and pain I managed to go againts everything I believed in and do it to her. Can it get any worse???<P>I can understand Plan A but how do you do Plan A when she is seeing someone else?? Plus now when I call her ( which isn't very often ) she accuses me of stalking her....??>?>?> What ? I call maybe 1-2 times a week, Max. I have never followed her around or anything silly like that. Is it unreasonable to expect her not to have any relationship while we are deciding what to do about us?? ie.... divorce, reconcilliation, ect... <P>I guess it's just me, I couldn't phathom starting a relationship right now with someone. It would be a rebound thing, Just to feel good if only for a moment. But it would be unfair to me, my W, and whomever I was with. So I won't. So I guess I am still deciding what to do, Plan A or Plan B????? Tough decision. I still haven't heard anyone address doing Plan B while filing for Divorce or Seperation. Is that possible???

Rutger - yuk - you're more complicated than I am! I suggested plan B because you seemed to need a break from getting hurt. You know me and Plan A - I'm a diehard, so far anyway. In fact, since he got his anniversary card early, I'm gonna write a letter today for him to HAVE on his anni! Never say die!!!!<P>If you CAN keep showing your love and Plan Aing, by all means, do it! I know it hurts and she doesn't make it any easier. Only you know how much you can take, my friend. <P>Didn't address the divorce stuff 'cause.....I'm not ready to go that far with you two yet. (As if it was my call anyway!!!) That one's gotta completely be up to you. That's just something you should only do if you're really ready and really sure and don't see any hope at all. I don't see that here right now. Admittedly, she hasn't given you MUCH to hold on to, but....I don't know, just a feeling.<P>Hold on.....give yourself a little time. Take a break for a day or so and give your mind and heart a rest. (I know, we NEVER stop thinking about it - hey, it's good advice tho, go with me.) The answer will come to you.<P>I'm pulling for you.<P>Lori

Wow, What a rollercoaster...... I think if we could put what we feel into a real rollercoaster, we would be rich. OK, so I have been pretty hot for a few days. I have had time to think about it. This is what I came up with:<P>1) I love this woman more than anything on the planet and I am not giving up on her yet.<P>2) I still do not want a divorce. <P>3) I am commited to her heart and soul. When I said "I DO", as long as we both shall live..... I meant it.<P>4) Yes I have made some huge mistakes, but I have also made some huge gains. Give and take, that is what it is all about.<P>5) She knows how I feel, I was able to articulate my true self to her today. I didn't expect a response, and now she knows. I am her husband and always will be.<P>To all who have put up with me in the last 3 months. Thank you sooooooo much. You are all my crutch. The advice and support has been unmatched. I am in a good place right now. I feel what I am doing is right, I think it took a little closer look on my part as to what I want in life. I want her and only her. I want to share my life with her again and this time I hope to do it right. <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

YYYYAAAAAAYYYYY!!!<P>Now you sound like yourself again!!! Good for you. And when the little dips come in this ride again, we'll be here again, ok?<P>I was feeling mighty lonely on this Saturday night and your post did me a WORLD of good. <P>Glad you shared it. Now, I'm gonna go get a glass of wine. (Just one, OK?)<P>Lori

YYYYAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY<BR>From me too!!!<P>Rutger, I'm so glad that you have thought this through for yourself!!!<P>We are surely behind your decision and will always be here for the support!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<BR>

Rutger -- I hreally haven't been able to check in much the past week or so, We have been moving, had phone problems, not had time to do much of anything but clean and rearrange. I finally get a chance to check back, see your post still on the first page, and start to worry that maybe something else has gone wrong for you. Then I find that that you have had time to reevaluate your situation. I think you have done remarkably well in coming to the decisions you have. <P>Congratulations.<P>God Bless

Rutger -- My previous reply to you was based on you saying you had had enough...I am pleased that you have taken the time to decide what you really, really want(man, those Spice Girls are really annoying). I support whatever decision you make and am pulling for you to be happy....

Rutger - Christ, God. Our situations are so similar. Wish I'd seen this post of yours sooner, would have replied sooner (was offline all day yesterday).<P>As usual, agree w/ fighter. Do keep the lines open. Especially since, as you say, you still love her. Understand and sympathize perfectly with your feeling of dead inside when you think about splitting. Man, that's how I feel every time it comes close to that (and it has for my W and me too many times in the past couple of years). Yeah, do hang in there, man. Try and make it work. I didn't think my marriage would, but my W (who, as far as I know, IS still in the middle of her affair) and I have come back from the brink and now it seems like there is a fair chance that we can pull it out. It ain't over till it's over. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

Rutger, this is the way I looked at it. Crawling from the wreakage, you first pull yourself up ignoring the wounds that you cannot take care of now. Instead of wasting time looking at each piece and trying to make sense of it, start walking and getting on with life. You, in your home, with your child. Start. Then, pay attention to your career. Make a good life for yourself. Start moving out of the mess by letting time carry you. Everything will not be solved today, this week or this year. This takes time. She will come around eventually.

Rutger, this is the way I looked at it. Crawling from the wreakage, you first pull yourself up ignoring the wounds that you cannot take care of now. Instead of wasting time looking at each piece and trying to make sense of it, start walking and getting on with life. You, in your home, with your child. Start. Then, pay attention to your career. Make a good life for yourself. Start moving out of the mess by letting time carry you. Everything will not be solved today, this week or this year. This takes time. She will come around eventually.

Rutger, this is the way I looked at it. Crawling from the wreakage, you first pull yourself up ignoring the wounds that you cannot take care of now. Instead of wasting time looking at each piece and trying to make sense of it, start walking and getting on with life. You, in your home, with your child. Start. Then, pay attention to your career. Make a good life for yourself. Start moving out of the mess by letting time carry you. Everything will not be solved today, this week or this year. This takes time. She will come around eventually.

Lostva and Sheba,<BR>YYYYYYAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY...... Thank you, Thank you, and now for my next trick..... Seriously, You guys are great support. I knew this was inside me somewhere and God willing my W will see this and understand how much I love and care for her and want to also spend the rest of her life with me. This can work, I know it in my heart.<P>Empty shell and heartpain,<BR>Thank you for checking in on me, Your support is appreciated. As you can see I am going through alot ( like everyone else ) but I think I am making good progress with myself. I am starting to understand my true feelings which of course are .... I love my W, always have, always will and I want to be in a lifelong relationship with her and only her.<P>Wex and Fighter,<BR>This isn't just any wreck, This is every car,plane, and train that have run into each other. I will keep the lines of communication open, If she needs a friend I will be there, If she needs a lover I will be there, If she needs a husband I will be there. <P>There are some wounds that will not heal without her care, So in the meantime I think your right, Bandage them up and wait for her help if she wants to but at the same time I am starting to care for myself in other areas. I am starting to heal........ Slowly.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Rutger,<P>Others have said this, but I will repeat it.<P>DO NOT GET A DIVORCE IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO LOSE YOUR WIFE FOREVER!!!!<P>I still love my wife/ex very much and regret getting divorced. She will/may eventually see what she has lost/given up. I may never have the chance to be with her again because I chose to divorce her...which may, in her eyes, be a sign of me giving up and saying "I don't love you any more".<P>NO, NO, NO, NO, NO DIVORCE UNTIL YOU ARE READY TO LIVE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITHOUT HER!<P>Going to plan B may be what you should do...I don't really know.<BR>Let her know that you love her, but it is killing you to see her like this...anything but divorce.<P>-harley