So last night was weird.

Even though WW is sleeping in a separate room, she came over to my side last night and wanted a hug. I told her straight out that I felt terribly conflicted with that. Not that I didn't want to, because I did--desperately so--but I went into the whole thought and feeling process with her. All of her needs are being met right now, whereas none of mine are. She's got feet in both worlds, has physical affection, has attention, has her narcissism fed, and has all the pleasure with none of the responsibility. Why does she need a hug? Is it to assuage some sense of guilt? What does a hug get me? She said as friends, we could. Well, friends also don't catastrophically blow up their marriage either, and had we been better friends and communicated, and had we agreed to work through things, we wouldn't be here.

I told her that I felt conflicted by the fact that I'm trying to be the bigger person (ie: Plan A maintenance), trying to keep a sense of self-discipline and outward love, but that my feelings for her are being severely impacted for the worse and that it is admittedly difficult to keep those malignant feelings at bay. She wants to be amicable, but how can I amicably sit by and be party to the destruction of my family? My life? I can't. What the ****** is a hug going to do about that? I've craved her attention, have missed physical touch, have no intimacy, so a hug gets me nothing. I know that sounds terribly coarse and cold, but I really am feeling emotionally stuck here.

And I added to her that I think the idea of her moving out needs to happen sooner rather than later. I can't go along with this position anymore.

I know I probably am coming across as a bit spooled up and perhaps fragmented, but several weeks ago, I had thought things might have thawed a bit. She was reading a relationship book (our friend Leslie sent each of us a copy of the 5 Languages of Love) and there were several indications that perhaps her position was easing, not the least of which she re-engaged in wanting to touch me, hug me, after having previously said she didn't feel "right" about my touching her. Well, I was reminded by her that I was wrong. I misinterpreted it. So why should I risk such misinterpretation by another hug?

I've got a sense of clarity, now I just need movement to go with that direction. WW however, I fear is lost in both regards.

And I told her if anyone needs a hug, it's the boys.

I just want this to be over with, I really do. I tried to lead through example, I tried to rekindle the love to no avail. I'm not going to pretend or go through the motions. It is what it is. I am who I am. She is who she is.

Well, Plan A is meeting her needs, almost unconditionally, so it sounds like you are just DONE. Your WW is definitely lost, to herself. She wants a hug for comfort for whatever reason, and she wants it from you.

I hear the anguish in your post. You are exhausted, CR. Just keep the separation ball moving. Do as much Plan A as you can muster, that includes hugs without thinking about it or saying why not. If you feel like hugging her (without accosting her) do so, nice and easy. Don't talk about it, just do it, release her and walk away. If she asks you why or shrugs you off, know that you did it for YOU, because YOU wanted to. If you want to do something for her, do it--because YOU want to. If she asks why, you say "just because I wanted to" or something like that.

If you can't Plan A anymore, do the civil thing, no malice, for many reasons. For your children, for your M, for you. Also, remember what you do may be taken to her lawyer to help her get more custody or attempt to take custody away. Get her while she's down, guilty, whatever. Ask for what you want--get it. Separate how you treat a wife from a wayward when it comes to divorce.

You need Plan B to get centered again. The wayward spirit is dampening yours. You have a plan now, you know what needs to be done, financially, legally. Just do those things, and get thee dark.

I need to get caught up on your situation, but I agree with SL. If you think you have done a good Plan A for long enough, it's time to Plan B. How soon can you get her out of the house? What state do you live in? Will the courts give you any advantage in dealing with an adulterer?

Your Plan B letter should include a line about 'refusing to share you with another man.'


Cake-eating. Or out of guilt. Or whatever. You need to separate yourself from it. If you have been in Plan A for a while and she is still going on weekends with OM, I would get into Plan B as fast as I could.

Crossroads--

On May 2nd you said that you were ready to "drop the hammer" and get a LSA. Here it is May 22nd, and I see you have consulted an Atty. yet, you and WW are still living together (albeit in separate bedrooms) and there has been nothing legally done to protect your marital assets or children.

Soooo...in a nutshell....what is stopping you? Why is she still there? She wants OM?? Cool, she can have him and she is now HIS problem. She can't finance "moving out"? Too bad...so sad. She has a choice to make: while she is in CROSSROAD'S house, with CROSSROAD'S kids, eating CROSSROAD'S food and paying bills with CROSSROAD'S money...there will be NO OTHER MAN!!! OTOH, if she chooses OM, then there will be NO living at CROSSROAD'S house, playing with CROSSROAD'S kids, eating CROSSROAD'S food and paying bills with CROSSROAD'S money!!! SEE????

BTW, I realize that it's her house too and her kids, but I was making a point. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Be strong and respect yourself, cuz she is USING you!!

Here's my suggestion. "Honey, will you commit to ending your A and working 100% on our M tonight? You won't?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Then I've taken the liberty of moving half the money out of our account into my account, I've taken the liberty of packing three large suitcases with your clothes and these boxes with your shoes and makeup, and I've booked you a room for a week at the Extended Stay Hotel. Good luck!" Then hand her the Plan B letter as you escort her to her car and lock your door.

Basically, right now, you are helping her continue the A. I know you two are using the "we can't afford to live apart" card in order to stay together, but you know what? When my exH left the state to live with OW, I could not afford my mortgage and all the bills on my own. I moved what bills I could to my name, I cut off other bills (like...cable), and I talked to my mortgage company. They had a plan whereby I could "skip" one payment and move it to the end of the loan, and only make INTEREST payments for up to three months. That gave me FOUR MONTHS that I could afford on my own, and I put the house on the market and sold it during that time.

Crossroads, you can do this! Don't be afraid. I know you're tired and I know you're scared of losing her, but imagine the SHOCK it will be to her to lose your support and finances and place to stay and daily access to the kids...AND find out that OM is not willing to finance her or have her move in with him...OR that she'll have to lose her job to do so!! I'm telling you, it will be like ELECTRO-THERAPY and the longer you put it off, the longer you enable the A. Remember, SHE is not looking out for you or what is best for you or the kids right now. She will NOT "do right by you."




--CJ

Based on my legal counsel, TX law doesn’t hold any advantage in terms of adultery, and that includes custody arrangements. Unless there is child abuse, the default setting is joint custody.


Indeed…and since I’ve begun to discuss the A with a couple of my friends, there is a consensus about that too. I need Plan B to get over this. It’s killing me.


I know! I feel like a sucker. I guess it’s financial fear more than anything. It’s been tough enough for me to recover from some bad credit stuff, student loan issues, 9/11 job loss and recovery and all that went into that, not to mention being a primary breadwinner for years of our marriage, and I’m reluctant to risk doing anything grossly detrimental to that right now from a practical standpoint. My heart might hurt, but I can handle the interim suckitude for now.


Brilliant idea! I wish it were that simple to execute. But I am coming close to talking to a mutual friend of ours who also was divorced fro her husband recently and see if she can bunk WW.


I’m not so much scared of losing her, truth be told. It’s a weird, funky feeling, but I am mentally, spiritually and pragmatically in a more secure place than I’ve been in months. I told a friend that I’ve accepted things—that doesn’t stop the pain necessarily, although I’m better at handling that, too—but I have come to grips with the cold reality of things. And the funny thing is, I’m not going to melt. I know that. I’m stronger right now than I’ve been in a long time.

I know my behavior right now is enabling in no small way. The kids are out of school at end of next week and the DS6 turns 7 on 01 June. I think I can be decisive enough to get things squared away by then.

I even told her straight out that she was a cakeeater—that she was having all of her needs met and none of mine, it barely fazed her, as she is in la-la land.



Thanks to all of you guys for your remarkable voice of reason, encouragement and guidance—I truly do treasure and value it! Update to come!

Hey- I have a question!

If I have no intention of reconciling my marriage, how long should Plan B go on for?

And doesn’t it make Plan B more or less moot?

yep -- plan b is part of an overall strategy to protect your love for WW to permit a possible reconciliation.

so if you want to quit....then no plan b is necessary...

This is what is driving me crazy though! I can't live under the same roof with her. I guess this just means pulling the trigger on a full blown DV proceeding, or legal separation in the interim.

Lexxxy is right, if you want a D now, and have no interest whatsoever in recovering your M, then Plan B isn't necessary. I would consider doing it if you have ANY want for recovery. Sometimes Plan B is not implemented before major damage is done, and the WANT to save the family and M is gone.

You will have to decide this for yourself, but you will get support no matter what choice you make; you have done a good Plan A, Plan B is just the next step toward keeping the M.

You sound very strong, and I know you are continually caused pain; blows to your mental well-being; pride. There is a lot that a BS has to take/deal with. That is why Plan B is a good idea, prior to Plan D, so that you can see what's doin' for you. So you can disentangle, and after your own fog and clouds clear, you can decide if D is what you REALLY want, without the constant barrage of pain doled out by the WS. Just something to think about.

Maybe get an LSA, to halt any future claim she can make to your retirement or investments, as well as if you purchase another home. If you are not in a hurry to D, take the interim time to Plan B, for you to get a clearer picture and delve deeper into yourself; really fix you, before D or another R.

I guess that’s the bottom line: that I’ve reached my bottom line and the past few months of trying to position myself for a last ditch effort to save my marriage via a Plan B is no longer necessary. &#61516;


I’ve been strong, out of necessity, but also through the Plan A process and everything that I’ve done has reconnected with my true sense of self and the strength that goes along with it.

Clearing the fog and clouds that I too might be immersed in right now unknowingly is what I’m most worried about—whether disentangling will provide clarity in that regard or not.


Thanks- sound, sage advice there too. &#61514;

I recommend Plan B, at least for a while, to see whether your perception changes. You've been doing Plan A for some time, and Plan A is really, really hard on you. It sounds like you've done it for too long. What I've read and heard is that Plan A is only effective 15% of the time, and what it really does is sets up Plan B From what little I know about your situation, I think Plan B could be very powerful for your WW. She is totally cake-eating, and that will go away fast. You might get a fairly quick indication, too.

Set yourself a deadline, say, 2 months. Plan B feels better than Plan A once you get into it, moves you toward D, and lets you disentangle (great concept by CJ) from the WS and all the pain and suffering they dump on you. You're in your own fog right now, and some Plan B will help you clear it out and make a good decision.

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on yourself and what's happening, which is good. I would hate to see you give up too soon and regret it later, though.

Thanks! 2 months would be reasonable I imagine....

There will be a lot of logistical issues to handle, but I have a great mediator lined up.

CR,

I just wanted you to know that I think you have kept a pretty clear head about all of this, and setting up a mediator and preparing for Plan B is what is called for. Good job!

Sometimes it takes a bit longer than 2 mos in Plan B to see real results for you and from the WS.

I only threw out 2 months because it sounded like he was ready to throw in the towel. It may well take longer than two months. "Deadline" was a poor choice of words. What I meant was

"I'm going to do this for two months, and then I will re-evaluate the situation. Maybe something will happen in those two months, maybe I will see signs that it's working and I will want to continue, or maybe I will be done. I'll decide in two months."

Hey Guy Smiley!

I got what you meant and it's always good to reassess, as we all have done during Plan B. Two months is definitely a good point to take a look at things...

Just wanted to make sure Crossroads got it. . . wasn't so much worried about you, you graduate, you.

Anyway, Jennifer told me to start with two months, so I did. Now I'm at, what, five?

a little TJ here, but it's funny, I feel like I lost that safety of Plan B now; I'm into new territory. It's okay, but just strange to not be experiencing that stage right now. Also, working WITH doubts and fears is tough business, but all in a days work...

I got it…two months seems a reasonable span which with to evaluate things and get clarity from the WW. You’ve been doing this for FIVE, sdguy? Whoa…I cannot imagine that. Hope you’re holding up OK.

And thanks Silent- I told a friend that going through this Plan A process—at least to the degree that I am—makes for a series of life’s most profound paradoxes:

• I’ve got a heavy heart and yet it has grown as I tried to reconnect with WW
• I have been so emotional for 5 solid months and yet my emotions have seldom clouded by judgment to the degree they did before all this began
• I am simultaneously overwhelmed with everything yet at a place of inner peace
• I’m tired of fighting yet have had the strength to continue the ‘heavy lifting’ for my own soul
• I have tried to restore love and have found it wither away

To that last point, that’s when Plan B is necessary and how I know it’s time to either enact it or move on with my life.

Incidentally, that horrible pit in my stomach is starting to ebb away. I’m still very wound up, don’t get me wrong, but it’s more the omnipresent concern about the kids, my finances, the separation process and everything that entails rather than the misery of my marriage failing. I know that pain isn’t gone, but it seems to come and go…I suppose that’s typical, huh?

Yup, typical. When you enter Plan B, and remain dark for a bit, you will find the emotional stuff come back upon you are rear it's head, forcing you to deal with it alone. It's a good exercise in restraint, to say the least. You will become angry and want to give your wife WHAT FOR! You will be sad at the loss that you have incurred, and many more things.

Plan B will provide you the safe haven to work on these things, as well as your hopes and fears. Right now, you are in scramble mode, taking care of the business of separation. Once the separation occurs, you will have PLENTY of time to think, so be prepared to come here BEFORE you do anything, or at least call a friend.

I would find something else to fill the spot in time when I was 'craving' communication with WH, I would come here, or work on the house or clean or surf the internet or window shop or a myriad of other things. Just like I did when I quit smoking'

guys...remember it took me 2-3 mos to even really start my plan B....course then I was really enmeshed with WS. kudos to those who have a great run from the starting gate. but i think you continue to re eval as time goes...your feelings change...you start to see things in a different light without all the drama.




crossroads....this is how you know you are ready for plan B...



plan B will do this for you...help you disengage a little...but still leave the door open a bit for reconcilliation. its definately a self imposed limbo...but it gets easier with time...



since starting plan B i have felt those nauseating episodes decrease in severity...i rarely get them now...but its a slow process. keep going crossroads...you are doing great!!!!!