There are many very good points in the Kids Bill of Rights thing, and I have no fundamental objection to it. Most are good common sense and it’s nice to have a reinforcement of that. There are a few that draw additional conversation (and I mention it a bit below), but we can discuss.

On that note, regarding our email discussions of last week, and obviously in conjunction with your note below, I too wanted to discuss the custody arrangement. I think I understand your position clearly. I totally agree with your points made last week, and might need to clarify as we might have had a bit of a disconnect. I’m not saying that they would spend “bits and pieces” with you. I totally, fully and wholeheartedly want them to have a sizable amount of time with you. That has not been in question.

I have also given you my commitment and will repeat again that I will absolutely concur with doing this legally. Perhaps the choice of my verbiage by saying “allow” last week rubbed you the wrong way, as clearly the tone of your note below would seem to indicate, but I hope my clarification of that made sense. In using that word, I meant permit what was greater than what a “standard” agreement would otherwise call for. I meant advocate—that I will certainly actively insist that whatever you want is what would exceed a “normal” visitation arrangement. That has nothing to do with my exercising any power, not at all. It has to do with legitimately establishing a mutual agreement and my honest willingness to do so. To repeat, I’ll emphasize the word “legal” here

However, I am staunchly against the concept of joint physical custody. I believe that the concept is tantamount to pinballing and ping-ponging the boys. I couldn’t live in two places simultaneously, could you? With two sets of everything, the added cost burden of same and perhaps more deviations from even that modified joint physicality depending on Scouts, sports, other events, logistics, vacations, etc. These are legitimate concerns as well, some of which I linked and excerpted in my prior note. I understand the rationale behind it, I’ve read the pros and cons about it, and I’ve pondered on it mightily at great length. In fact, I’ve tried to envision how it would work, have contemplated it with great seriousness. I read that link, as you had sent it to me already, and I had perused Mom’s House, Dad’s House as well in depth.

But I am still a proponent of my having primary residential custody, us having joint legal custody, with the primary residence being with me and visitation structured in as liberal a manner as I describe above. For the sake of consistency, which kids need more than anything, it behooves us to accommodate that. Please note that having a sole residential custody arrangement is not akin to only then having “bits and pieces” with you. I know that might be a fear but I’m not going to leverage that. Again, I deduce from your note below that you are worried about the perception issue. I would also respectfully tell you that instead of us trying to reconcile our marriage, you did in fact make your choice and the consequences associated with it. I didn’t make that choice. I’m not going to rehash the past for seemingly the umpteenth time here, we have more important concerns now. Nor can I control what you think their perception might be—that’s all highly speculative. I would even go so far as to say it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we do craft a solid plan together and then execute same.

I promise you that and will legally do what is necessary to go along with that. In the spirit of our negotiation here, I do want to do this amicably.

And since we agreed to honestly vet the issues associated with this, I might as well point out some of the underlying reasons I am opposed to the joint physical custody arrangement. Based on what I’ve read, shared parenting works best when there is some mutual level of trust, there are financial resources available for doing it (the costs vary, but it’s sizable), and the parents can maintain a calm businesslike relationship. I will state that right now that trust isn’t there. It just isn’t and if we are going to collaborate on our attempts of an amicable divorce, I have to be forthcoming with that. I guess that’s why those 29 points in the kids email make sense but a few only ring hollow if there isn’t a foundation of trust. In time, perhaps, I don’t know. But it is admittedly a concern of mine, particularly as it pertains to any plans you have with Roger Ramjet and how that changes the parenting picture (Crossroads sidenote: Roger Ramjet is 49 years old, 14 years her senior, has never had kids, has never wanted kids, and will suddenly be thrust into this…another massive consideration here).

Of course I am going to do what is in the best interest of the children, and I am not going to speak ill of you as the other parent. But I am also bound to tell them the truth, just as I did when I chose to expose your affair. If and when they ask, what do I say? I think that in that context, any discussion of joint physical custody is fraught with potential for disaster, especially at this juncture. You state correctly that we are smart people. But this isn’t solely a matter of the brain; it is a matter of the heart, indeed, a matter of my own flesh and blood and one that I take very seriously—indeed, they are the most important piece of my life.

Moreover, I think especially right now, financially it would make the best sense to allow some time to pass, get settled in, get squared away, and then perhaps review in time and so forth. This whole thing is going to be tumultuous enough as it is. The boys will be moving, they’ll be starting a new school, albeit a familiar one, in a new home, and I think they don’t need to be inundated or overloaded any more than they already will be with two homes. You and I will need time to decompress and readjust as well. I’ll repeat again that I’ve been down this road before. I lived it. It’s not pleasant. It can’t be easy under the best of circumstances. It was tough enough; I could not have imagined having to go back and forth at some arbitrary schedule between parents in such a manner as most of the joint physical custody arrangements are structured. I thought what one of the doctors said was very accurate: “joint custody does not give the child a whole family, nor does it approximate a two-parent intact home. The child, in fact, is central and permanent to no home, which only reinforces the trauma of the divorce split. It would be far better for the child to have one stable one-parent "intact" home and for the other parent to visit in a complementary way, rather than create the conflict of a competing "home."

Lastly, I think we do need to arrive at an agreement for custody exclusive of any support arrangements for now. As I also stated, that would be totally negotiable right now and contingent upon the custody agreement. But for the sake of our mutual commitment to finding common ground, I think financial support should be delinked and totally separated from the custody discussion at this time. (Crossroads sidenote: I think the thought of her being forced to pay child support was a motivator for her to push for joint physical custody, to avert that, I mentioned that earlier)

As far as threatening me with whatever ammo you have, you needn’t be unnecessarily provocative here. You restated your commitment last week to be amicable, talked about how nice it was to have a rational conversation several times last week, and yet you want to continue to sling this around. I have no reservations at all about getting everything out on the table--none. I made my mistakes, we made ours and we should disconnect as amicably as possible. You remember that saying about wrestling with a pig? You both get muddy and the pig likes it. I too could have done a lot of things, as you could have (and did as well), but that matters little, actually nothing, now. If we cannot come up with a joint agreement, then I think a mediator would be a possible alternative prior to taking more drastic steps.

I would respectfully tell you that I don’t understand your motivation of having once agreed to giving me custody then changing your mind. We could have had an agreement in place already that would have met our needs and that of the boys and already be much further along this road.

I would like to sit down tonight and discuss this as well as put forth our plan of action for telling the boys and laying out specifics. Coming to a conclusion here is critical, as it impacts our respective living and housing arrangements, financial pictures, location, etc, etc, ad infinitum… One of the biggest questions is going to be who they are going to live with…would you like to ask that of them or shall we dictate it to them? Or weigh both? Either way, it needs to be resolved and done so rather expeditiously.

Your letter sound so attorney-like!

How about addressing THIS part of her email?
"I compromised my pride and my anger, biting back the tears AND my tongue, because I still believed in my heart that it truly was you and me against the world and that you were committed to doing whatever it took to get us through the storm. When it became apparent that your way of facing the storm was to ask me to just ignore it, hoping it would go away, I knew the ride was, indeed, over."

If the love of a woman, rooted in a foundation in Christ, helps salvage my soul throughout all of this, enables to be a more capable father and person and unlocks so much good, I can’t go along with the notion that it’s all bad.

enables to be a more capable father and person and unlocks so much good, I can’t go along with the notion that it’s all bad.