My story begins at the end of 2001. My wife and I have been married for 19 years at the end of this month. We have 3 kids ages; 16, 13, 12. Back in 01 I began a friendship with a women.. It started as a friendship and turned into an emotional affair, then turned into a physical affair. I knew that This had to stop beacuse I didn't want to ruin my family. I came forward with this info to my wife and explained everything including my desire to want to leave her and be with this women. My wife was devestated. I told her that though my heart was telling me one thing, my head was telling me to stay and that is what I chose to do. During the next 2 years I went through the process of disconnecting myself from my emotional bond with the OW. My wife nursed me during those 2 year (her words). It was very hard on her. Eventually we renewed our love for each other and became best friends again and really started making progress for another 2 years. Now it's 2005 approx... A younger couple moved in across the street from us and we became friends over time. This coup[le had been through a rough time in their marriage which caused them to separate for about 2 years, then got back together. This was prior to them moving in across the street. This couple is very pinionated when it comes to the way the handle life in general. The can be highly critical and unfortunitlyt they became sort of critical of my personality. I am rather strong willed and it doesn't sit well with them, especially the wife.

Well over a period of time my wife and her husband began to just talk out on his driveway at the end of the day when everyone was coming home from work. I didn't think it a big deal and I knew that this couple were struggling financialy and his wife was tough to be around at this time. I think he was using my wife as a sounding board to just vent a little. Now fast forward about 6 months.... I came home one night after being out at a band practice. It was about 9:30pm on a week night. My wife was with this man out at Walmart doing some errands. They were in his truck and the got back about 10 minutes after I did. I didn't say anything. The very next week after band practice the very same thing.... they were out again at Walmart doing a little shopping. Of course now I am getting a little sensitive to this because I have been down this road before and I knew what this could become. I said something to my wife about how this made me feel un easy that she was out after dark with this man. I really thought she would understand considering everything we had already been through in the past. But she wasn't. She got upset with me and accused me of accusing her of doing something wrong. She basically said:How dare you think that of me after what you put me through with your OW. Then whe told the couple accross the street what I had said that they became very angry with me that I would actually think such a thing. Of course I wasn't accusing anyone of anything, I was simply trying to protect my marriage. Well fast forward again a few months and now we are at a Honky Tonk where my country band is playing. My wife always comes with me to these gigs and this night the couple from accross the street have joined us. During the coarse of evening my wife was feeling pretty go as so was the othere women. The man was the designated driver so he wasn't drinking. Well the man's wife started dance/grinding up against her husnand as he sat on the bar stool. I am on stage and I see my wife taker her turn at grinding up against him too. From where I sat, it looked like his hands were on her [censored]. I brought it up later and again was told that he was simply trying to push her away so that my wife wasn't getting too close and besides his wife gave my wife permission to dance against him. Well this past Oct my wife has taken a new job and leavces the house around 6am in the morning and this other man also leaves around the same time. So I think they have been chatting on their nextell's.

Ok!, Last Thursday April 12, my wife informed me that she had made a decision. She wants the marriage to be over. She is done. She told me that she hasn't felt loved by me for the last 2 years. That she she still loves me but is not in love with me anymore. There is no intimacy anymore according to her. I was in shock, did not see this coming. It has been ****** for the past week as I have tried to sort this out. She says there is not another man. Today I discovered that there might be....

Last night while she slept I messed with her cell phone and changed some things. I was able to intercept any radio commication that she would initiate with the man accross the street. I was sure that it would happen and I was right. This morning after she had gotten to work she tried to make contact with him. The tone and excitment in her voice said it all. I would beep her back like I was responding without actualkly saying anything and she would respond back with a little giggle and told him (me) to call her back because she couldn't hear him. Finally she said I have to go but maybe I will see you later.

So I did some more checking and started looking at her cell phone records and discovered that there is another man that she has been communicating with for some time now. This is not the man across the street. Turns out it is someone she works with. According to the records, they have been having a lot of long talks on her cell phone. I have confronted her with all this information and she is furious with me. She says that don't trust her and that I have no right to do that because what I have done. She says that she is talking with lots of people about her situation and says that I am completely in the wrong and she is tired of me always thinking I am right and she wants out. She says that because I make more money, she wants to kids to stay with me in our house. She is working her way up at her job (retail) and eventually she will be on nights and weekends and knows that she will not be in the kids lives all that much. She is completly comfortable with this arrangment, because she just wants to get away from me. She says that I have hurt her deeply and she never got over it and she is ready to be out of here. As of today she is still in this house sleeping in our bed but she is pissed and cold as ice.

What am I going to do? Is there 2 guys she is emotionally bonded to? Should I call this guy she works with and tell his the damage he is causing?

Please help

Update, Wife just left after another discussion about her phone calls. I called the guy from her work whom she has been talking with alot. He claims he is nothing more than a sholder she can cry on and he just listens. I explained how allowing her to lean on him emotionally is making things worse and he seemed to think there wasn't much hope because of the hurt she has over my affair in the past. Eventually he agreed to cut it off with her and told me if she calls he will tell her that he can't talk with her anymore. Hopefully he will follow through with this. He asked if he would be hearing from me anymore? I said no as long as he keeps his word. He seemed cordial.

everybody hates me

Hey! Welcome to MB'ers. Not everybody hates you. I don't (yet...)! J/K

It certainly does sound like EA's at least. EA - Emotional Affair (just talking) vs PA - Physical Affair (sexual) Both are equally damaging to a marriage.

Dr Harley has given us some great material here (for free!). I hope you read it all. Make sure you work first on eliminating your LB'ers (Love Busters). And read up on Plan A & Plan B - Dr Harley's advice for ending affairs.

IMO, neither Plan A or especially Plan B are D-I-Y projects. Please consider calling the Harleys for phone counsleing (link is at the top of the page). They will guide you in implementing a proper Plan A. And only a proper Plan A will give you the best chance of restoring your marriage.

BTW, weekends here tend to be a bit slow. Hang in there - others will log in sooner or later.

Ok so I am going to use some very used phrases - but two wrongs do not make a right! Did you seek help after your affair? She has unresolved feelings that she never dealt with so in her mind she isn't doing anything you haven't put her through. AGAIN that does not make it right - can you afford counseling? I would go even if for yourself to help get rid of the baggage. You can never have a healthy relationship until these old issues are gone. My WH and I went while he was still denying a physical relationship but then we stopped and that is when I found out the really bad stuff. So getting it out will help if you both are willing - if not do not torture yourself if you have children focus on their needs. Look at it as I have learned - your children will image their marriages after what they see growing up - do you want your children in the marriage you have now? That is a real eyeopener! Good luck!