hi all... i have been keeping up with reading posts.. but not much time to do posting... i'm really ashamed at this point... i am embarassed to say that i actually thought my H would change... I dropped legal charges against him and allowed him back into my house. He has once again gotten to the level of mental and verbal abuse.... I have lost most of my family members over taking him back... i have a very very very dear friend i met here who has been helping me tremendously (freeatlast01, thank you!). I am now in the process of trying to be free from this abusive man and i don't know how to get out! I am embarassed at the fact that i let this happen to me again.... But i wanted to give my M 110%... i tried and trusted.. and lost the battle... how do i get over the embarassment of allowing this man to do this to me yet again? I thought i was a strong woman... now i just feel like a victim...

stressed, can you contact the women's shelter in your area? They deal with stories like yours every day and can tell you exactly what to do get away from an abusive relationship. Please go pick up your Yellow Pages phone book (or look online) and call them right now. Then come back here and tell us what they said.

Good luck -
Mulan

stressed, I too am from a suburb of Philly... with my experience as a cop I might be able to help should the need arise. Feel free to email me or post here if you need help.

And BTW... today is the day you stop being a victim.

Stressed,

I would like to encourage you, sweetie. I was also married to an abusive man, and I took him back SEVEN TIMES!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Yes, I am ashamed to admit that because I feel like such a fool now but back then...I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe the words he was saying to me. I wanted to believe his promises! I wanted to believe we could work it out. I wanted to believe he sincerely loved me enough to work at it and change himself. I wanted to believe we could save our family. I wanted to stay married!!!

Sooooo...I would get brave and take some steps...and then I'd run back to him or let him come home. I would take some more steps...and then cave. SEVEN TIMES!!!

Nothing personal, dear one, but you have only done this once! I'm proud of you for learning so quickly! And first, after TODAY you are no longer his victim--you are a SURVIVOR!! He tried to abuse you, and you SURVIVED!! Second, let's think of one step you can do today to get free. If you just do one thing...today...you will be one step closer to actually being ABUSE-FREE!!

Email me any time you want to talk.

Your faithful friend,


CJ

today i feel like crawling into a hole and dying.... he keeps calling and harassing me at work.. he's is furious that i changed the voicemail to say only mine and my kids names....he gets no phone calls at my house... NONE.. and because he paid $72 towards the phone bill this month, he said that he deserves to be on the list!!!! it's insane.. he pays $72 towards A bill since september and I OWE him something!!!! i can't take it anymore.... i'm just trying to ignore him until he finds an apartment and leaves... but it's not happening fast enough, i'm so afraid i'm going to crack and go crazy... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

how you see him and handle this situation from this point forward is in your control. you are giving him too much power and need to stop allowing his to push your buttons.

are you in counseling?
have you been hit by him? Threatened with physical harm?
Are you afraid for your safety? You CAN and SHOULD follow through on the criminal charges against him... just because they were dropped does not mean they cannot be pursued now. What were the charges against him?

If you need help... just ask.

MEDC

i AM in counseling... reading the book codependent no more.... i have been codependent for most of my life... always worrying about everyone else before myself.... i always thought i was helping people, sometimes knowing i was hurting myself... and now i know that it is a problem that i have... and i am dealing with it...
I had spoken to you via personal email about a month ago.... i should have listened to you then.... but i wanted so badly to try to make this M work.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
afraid for my safety? no... but i am afraid that he will continue to destroy things in my house... he came to my house with almost nothing (a few things, but nothing i can't do without)... has paid NOTHING since september... i support him and his son.... and he says because he doesn't feel SAFE living there (because he's afraid i'll kick him out again) that he's not willing to pay NOR clean up after himself... there has been eggshells, dirty pots and pans, and empty dunkin donuts coffee cups in my kitchen for over a week.. he won't touch them... my bedroom looks like a bomb hit it.... it's all his stuff... i tried cleaning this weekend... but it was a waste of time.. i put his stuff in a pile and he was angry that i didn't put it away like i should have... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> i have been emotionally destroyed by this man.. i have lost most of my self esteem.... i used to be a very strong and protective mother... but i feel like it's gone... he has put me down when it comes to being a good person and a good mother... i have raised my 2 children the best i can for the past 16 years alone... i welcomed his help, but it only became criticism...
I feel so completely helpless... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

MEDC,
I have sent you a private email... hope to hear back from you soon...

I think wanting to "believe" is sometimes absurdly encouraged here to severely dysfunctional levels. I am noticing the "keep believing" mantra thrown out here in support when all of the REALISTIC evidence says otherwise......Hey, I am all for hoping and having postive thoughts, but "believing" a Stage IV small cell lung carcinoma is gonna be cured by "believing" is absurd....yet that kind of thinking is sometimes given here with what I believe are harmful results. I'd rather tell a patient to make peace with their life, accept reality and make the best of their remaining time rather than throw a bunch of BS "anything can happen if you keep postive thoughts" at them and give them another round of blood curling chemotherapy (akin to another Plan A after yet another false recovery).

Yep, call me harsh...but I am realistic.

They don't call me sourdude for nuthin.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LM

Stressed,
You must do something to protect yourself from this abusive sitch. Hoping it will miraculously go away by itself is not living in reality. Things will not get better until you take positive action to change the way things are.

Do you have a relative or friend who could put you up until he moves out again? You realize he must go, right? If not, there are many good shelters that would do an excellant job for you. It's not permanent, just a short term basis.

Good luck with your decision,
Will pray for you,

All blessings,
Jerry

PS: Lem, where have you been? I invoked your name about a week ago when discussing the need for STD testing to a newly BS. Said something to the effect: "Where's Lemonman when you need him?" Course, no one knew who you were <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />. Welcolm back.

stressed:

You know...to just sort of agree with what Lemonman is saying, I would like to clarify something. I told you that I took my exH back SEVEN TIMES because I was an idiot. I was an idiot SEVEN TIMES and most folks, after taking him back all those times, thought I was hopeless and pretty much didn't stick around to see the inevitable. I was trying to encourage you because I know what it's like to feel like an idiot, like you did it again, and like you're embarrassed. Just to be clear, I am NOT encouraging you to do what I have done!!!! I am encouraging you to learn from my mistakes and not to worry about being embarrassed because BTDT.

Now, stressed...this is what I did. I wanted to believe him, so he would make promises, I'd believe him, stress would grow, and he'd explode and be abusive. Then I'd come on here ALL UPSET and say, "He did it again!" and people would tell me, "Well of course he did. That's his pattern. He does this every time." But I didn't see it. I'd see that he was making promises again, and this time HE MEANT IT! And I'd take him back and he'd do the exact same thing again, and I'd run here again and say, "He did it again!"

Do you see the similarities?

All I'm saying is this: Don't be embarrassed. We all make mistakes and mis-steps. Rather than being embarrassed, please be SMART and guard your heart, because it is valuable! Be smart! If you want a different result, that means you have to DO something different. Take ONE STEP to protect yourself. Take ONE STEP to detach and get out of that abusive lifestyle. Take ONE STEP...then another...and then another.

Okay??

Your faithful friend,


CJ

i am currently in counseling for myself... i am trying so hard to work through all of this, but i end up giving in ALL THE TIME... how do i tell myself this is the LAST time i will let him do this to me.... i have once again given in this weekend... we're going to try to work things out... finances have been a HUGE issue (99%) with us... we have never even shared the same bank account... finances are kept separate and it is not my choice... he has finally agreed to become one as far as the finances go. I am going to give it one last go... He agreed to end the namecalling, etc... i feel like the boy who cried wolf.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> and it's upsetting.... but i do have most of my family back in my life and they are supporting me... (especially my sister and best friend)... we are going to re-start marriage counseling (it worked when we attended) and we will also seek individual counseling as well... i really do love him and realize that he has lots to overcome from his past.... i am trying to support him through this as well...
how do i promise myself this will be the last time?

Please stop this madness!!!
DO NOT ALLOW HIM ACCESS TO YOUR MONEY!

Sorry, I think you've come up with just another 'reason' to keep a hold of this guy-- this time its finances that are *really* the problem-- and you are in a HUGE state of denial.

Get out of this abusice reltionship and KEEP HIM OUT OF YOUR BANK! Do you think he will handle your finances any better than he has handled you???