Well, my best friend is having an affair, so I guess I need to find a new one for now. lol

I'm finding I have a lot of free time lately because family has been non supportive, but, with the new move, I find myself lacking the will to unpack. Just seems kinda depressing. This was something I SHOULD have been doing with H.

Grr.

I moved into my current abode 9 months ago in hopes that my WH might consider joining me. I found a place that wasn't in the hustle bustle of DC and now I have to drive HORRIBLE1!! I don't have the energy either. To me this is nothing more than a place to sleep. I can't wait until I snap out of this funk. I go to work and act like everything is great and then I come home. HOORAH!

I have been playing the song "Wasted" by Kerry Underwood every morning. It gets me going.

Geez. Sounds like my life the past few weeks. lol

That's okay. Softball starts tomorrow. That should help boost my spirit.

At least I moved closer to work. It is one of the oldest streets in the city, and the apartment is absolutely beautiful. So, I walk to work, and can enjoy the oldness of it all.

(and my haunted apartment) lol

Okay, so I told everyone what my WH told my sister yesterday.

He called our friend, and asked them if they knew my phone number. She claimed she didn't because she did not want to get into the middle of it.

He then proceeded to tell her EVERYTHING word for word tha the told my sister. Even the part about having told my sister that.

Then, he informed my friend that he was heading down south for an interview and that OW did not like it one bit, but he did not care.

He is desperate to get ahold of me now. Told friend that he has ways of talking to me.

Then said that if I called friend, to please let him know.

My friend (who is a recently FWW) seems to think he is trying to get my attention. So, he brings up a job out of town, hoping to pull me out of the dark, or get me to call him begging him to stay.

She advised me to pretend I have not heard this info (if he does trap me in a call at work) and to just be my normal "hey, how's it going self"

Anything else I should look out for?

Anyone? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

How very interesting ... what kind of things has she been saying? Isn't it kind of ironic that you have gotten some of the most comfort from your 16-yo cousin and the Visa card lady?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

P.S. I don't have much of a useful response for you, except that I would suggest you change your subject line to ask for more MB EXPERT help...for some reason the usual experts aren't posting to your thread (at least not recently...I haven't looked back through all the pages). Take care...hope you get some more input soon!!

Your friend is correct and don't expect all to believe the WS.

So you exposed, now is the time to sit back and watch.

If the WS scrambles to absolve himself, he will look foolish.

Nothing less than full confession and repentance is acceptable.

Don't be too harsh on how others show their support. Be selective who you make part of your support group. Outside of exposure, your support group will also get updates as needed so they can help you. You don't have to tell all to all. I also asked my support group respect my decisions and in turn I will gladly listen to their advice, pro or con. That set the playing field so that they knew their place and mine.

For those who can't provide much support or just can't keep their traps shut, keep the info to them minimal but don't alienate them unless they support the WS 100%.

Re: Even they c/b useful (aka: reverse babble and other info). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

Thanks Fiat and Orchid.

I see how the WS is scrambling, just unsure as to why. I just really don't understand why he would tell our friend that he talked to my sister and told her what he said to her. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

Another question I have is... Could things be things starting to wind down, and due to his embarassment and shame, he is choosing to run away rather than face the music?

I am confused..

are you in plan B...
why then are you seeking to commit lovebusters...

what plan are you in....
and how can we help ground you in it...

ARK

Sorry ark. I don't see what you mean about LB's?

If you are still referring to what was said the other day about knowing the way my WH is and knowing he will get angry about us having an intermediary then ok.

I am not trying to hurt him in any way. I was just stating that I know he will be angry and has always tended to take it out on the people around him(maybe the way I worded it did not come across as that way)

Well, for someone that needed to get ahold of me so badly, not even one attempt.

Am I correct in assuming he was trying to get me to contact him?

MiH:

Dear lady, you are just about as confused as any I have ever seen here or elsewhere. You are over analyzing just about everything including your wayward husband, yourself and your, for example, mother.


Your mother is attempting to get you to see reality as it is and not as you want it to be. Yet you think she is not supporting you and as I see it, you are wrong.

You have been gutted like a fish. I understand, been there and have the tee-shirt. I will tell you like I was told at the time; it is now all about you and not about him. You have no control over your wayward husband. But you do have control over yourself. Your innocence has been deflowered and yet you are still trying to cling to it.

Stop.

Have you been to counseling? Are you on antidepressants?

It is not a surprise that your teenage relative is someone you can relate to because you have retreated to your teenage emotions to deal with the situation. You may or may not recapture your relationship with your wayward husband. Your best chance to so do, or find his replacement in your heart, is to focus on yourself instead of your lost love. In other words, deal with life as it is instead of as you want it to be.

You are wallowing around in the drama of your life instead of dealing with it. Quit trying to figure him out or the meaning of the stuff he does. As your mother says, "How do you know that?" As a person who has been where you are at, I can tell you that I think she likely has her head on straight and should be listened to instead of avoided.

Some people will do as you are doing to avoid giving a long and hard look at their own contribution to the state of their marriage dynamics that helped the affair. You are not responsible for the affair, he is. He made the choice and now you have a choice. He was weak. How does you being weak help the situation?

Larry

Hi Larry,

What I said about my mother is that she has a hard time understanding, and I explaining the concept of MB. So, I asked her to come read here.

I have always had difficulty talking to my mother, so this situation has not changed anything.

All I have asked of my family is to understand that I love my H and that saving my marriage may be a real possibility.

They perceive me as being desperate because WH has said we are done. There is no chance, etc. Typical fog speak, am I correct?

My family believes that because he has said these things, that means give up and walk away. Isn't the point of MB to realize that saying those things means nothing?


Yes, I tend to over analyze everything. I am and have always been curious by nature, and have always liked to understand things to the fullest. I ask questions when I do not understand. Is that wrong? I understand I am not dealing with the most reliable person right now, and find myself confused by his sudden "change". As do our friends.

When I say I have received alot of support from my cousin, it is because she is easy to talk to, and can understand that because I love my H, that I want to save our marriage. She understands that there is a chance that may happen, and supports my decision to do so.

As I've already stated, the rest of my family feels the papers are already signed, stamped and mailed out.

So, if I sound confused or weak, it is because I am being pulled in all kinds of directions. I realize that I cannot listen to everyone, but, when you have everyone trying to decide for me what is best for me, it gets really difficult and has left me feeling lonely and battered.

Am I depressed? No. Sad? Absolutely. Will I give up? No way in he11.

Does that help you to understand where I am at a bit more?

The point is, that you are trying to get him to do something based on what you do. I read your letter.

That would seem to be the MB dynamic, but it isn't. The only person you can control is you. Now it is that you can set yourself to do a Plan A or a Plan B or whatever and thus change the dynamics of the relationship by becoming a refuge for him, if he in fact starts looking for one.. Read pep's carrot and stick approach.

Your mother's question is absolutely spot on. You have no control over him or the relationship. Work on you.

Larry

And you are right. I have no control over him. I have not once thought that I did. I can't make him do anything he is not wanting to do. I have maintained this with him in all of our time together. My WH has always had people tell him how to behave, how to speak, etc.

He was never given the opportunity to be himself growing up. I gave him that opportunity. I've never made him do anything he felt uncomfortable to do, and have always maintained he be himself. I have made suggestions at times, but always said it was HIS choice to decide. He, in turn has always treated me as if I am the only person that mattered. He spoiled me with affection and attention, so yes, it does bother me to see this change (as it does all of us who have their world torn out from under them)

So, I do ask questions because I am confused by his recent behaviour. Curiousity isn't always a bad thing is it?

Have you read Surviving an Affair. Have you studied Plan A, Plan B and the rest of Harley's advice here? Have you read it a second and third time?


My observation that you are trying to control what he does based on your letter is valid. Your letter is as it is. You are trying to figure out the mind of a wayward and that is just impossible. Affairs follow a script. Once you understand the script, you can then deal with it.

You want your husband back? That may or may not happen. If it happens, you will find that there will be fundamental changes in the relationship dynamic. I would encourage you to find the investment and call Jennifer Harley to get professional advice at this point in your situation. You have a lot of issues that are frankly beyond the advice level usually found here in this support forum. This may be why you have not had many responses from the long time "Advisors" that are usually active for BS. I know that I have read your stuff for some time and I really don't have much to say other than what I have said.

As I see it, you are all over the map. You need to get in control of you and adopt a plan and then work the plan. In my opinion, Jennifer Harley can help you do that.

Larry

Thanks Larry.

I honestly did not see how different I have been compared to everyone else.

I've read the other threads and seen the questions, fears etc.

I'm just one of those people who is more worried about him than anything. So, my resolve from right this moment on is to not worry.

I am really bull-headed, so I know this can be done. When I put my mind to something, I do what I can to do it.

I really appreciate what you have said. I have re-read it now, and see what I was doing. We all have varying levels of paranoia, and I guess mine was off the charts.

I hope I haven't ruined my chances for advice from all of you.

You haven't "ruined" anything. You just need a baseline from which to act and think. It is my opinion that you will get a base line from professional counseling and interaction with someone who advises for a living and who can program you more effectively.

In my opinion, you do not need a "Feel good" counselor. I think you would respond better with proactive counseling and directive counseling like the Harley's do.

After that, from the base of a plan you are on, I think you will find that advice here will be much more forthcoming and more effective in helping you.

Larry

Well, unfortunately, with money issues, that is not an option.

I am living on my own for the first time, which in itself is over-whelming. That, combined with family issues (ie. my relationship with my sister) has really done a number.

Like I said. I have the resolve to ground myself. I can do that... and will.

Thank you Larry. I really appreciate it.

You are still very early in this. It will take some time and patience. Be sure to take good care of yourself and stay centered.

I would leave sis out of it. Don't confide in her. Come here when you need support.