Mostly I feel okay, even happy. This divorce has been coming for a long time, and I've had years to contemplate the end of my marriage. So why do some things trigger me to feel sad again, and why do I dream about him? The other night I dreamed that I got another chance to ask him why he wanted to divorce me. He said that his affair was part of it, but another part is that a newly divorced friend made it sound so nice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Tonight I heard a phone message he left for our DSes and just hearing his voice being so friendly and loving made me feel so sad all over again. I only hear his voice being cold and business-like to me.

I still can't get over why he had those affairs, even though I know that the answer is that it wasn't me, it was him. Even at this late date, it's so hard to shake the idea that there is something wrong with me--I'm not pretty enough, don't have long hair, he got tired of me having to watch my weight, I'm basically unlovable. Gag--I feel like I'm having a flashback to D-day. I thought I was done with all this. I even stopped going to my counselor because I was feeling so good.

Somebody talk to me--tell me that having failed in marriage once, I won't be alone forever.

Your feelings are very normal. It IS all about his problems, and I'm sure he will continue on making the same mistakes.

You will be happy again, and find someone who will treat you like you deserve, and appreciate you.

Rose,

Look at my signature... looks a lot like yours huh???

I still struggle with my X's 3 EA's and then the PA. I play things over and over in my mind at times and wonder what I did wrong??? But it was her, not me doing it. I was a good husband and am a great father. She is the one that made all these rotten choices and destroyed our marraige.

There is NO excuse for an affair. I can maybe understand if someone falls into an emotional affair but if they are married, then they need to step back and cutoff contact. They need to tell their spouse honestly what they are feeling. They need to want to go to counseling. My X NEVER did that and I bet yours didn't either. My X lied, and lied, and lied....

He had 3 affairs Rose! You did all you could. You did more than most would do to keep a marraige together.

Keith

Thank you, believer. I hope, and pray, that you are right.

Keith,
Yes, our stories are alike, except that my X never "fell in love" during his affairs. He said he just thought it was free sex. And no, he never wanted to go to counseling, although I dragged him a few times. And yes, he lied and lied. I have a suspicion that there were more women that I just don't know about.

It's hard for me to reconcile the cold, lying *bleep* my X turned into with the warm, loving, young husband he used to be. It messes with my mind. Where did that good guy go? Was he always bad at heart, or did he change? Because of some things which happened when we were dating, I think he must've always been a cheater at heart, but how was I so fooled? I must've WANTED to be fooled. I lived in a fantasy world all the time I was happy with him. I refused to believe what he really was.

My heart goes out to you for all those EAs. Believing that my X "loved" somebody else would've been crushing. By repeatedly having EAs or PAs, both our Xes are revealing that they have personality flaws, serious ones. So why does it sometimes seem easier to blame myself for his infidelity than to admit that he has the emotional maturity of a five year old? Because I would have to admit that I picked such a loser? Because at some level I still want to believe in that young husband I loved? Could it even be that if I believe it was my fault, it will be all about me, and I don't want to admit that nothing he did had anything to do with me? Perhaps I was never as central to him as he was to me--I was just someone on the periphery of his "real" life.

Well, all this musing won't supply me with the right answer, because I'll never know that, but it does shed a little light on my own heart.

Keith, do you have custody of your children? My boys are the best things in my life now, but they are starting high school this fall, and all too quickly they will be off to college (twins). I think I'll be really lonely then. I wish my sons were as young as yours is, so I would have more years to spend with them.

Thanks for your concern, and for reading this rambling screed.

Rose

Rose,

The tough thing about proving an EA is the person in it will not admit it (I guess they do the same with a PA). But someone in an EA thinks that if I haven't slept with this person, I have done nothing wrong.

I watched my wife (whom I loved with all my heart), become totally infatutated with 3 men over 10 years. She would fall hard and fast for them. It was very strange at times and she was stalking the last guy.

Unfortunately she had a very bad childhood. She thinks her father molested her when she was very young. And she knows her brother molested her sister. I do think this affected her self-esteem deeply. She would tell me when we were married that nobody liked her. I disagreed and said everyone adored her.. But she did not like herself.

I don't know what to think about her. I would have given my life for her without hesitation. Everyone else could see how I loved her, she could not.

To answer your question, we have 50/50 custody. I don't like being a part time dad. My heart aches for my kids all the time.

Keith

Keith, my X also had a bad childhood. His father was a jerk of an alcoholic, and his parents eventually divorced. As the eldest child, his role seems to have been "family hero." Outwardly he is a big success--inwardly he has pain that he tries to exorcise by having affairs and looking at porn.

It must have been so painful to see your ex-wife becoming so different from what she appeared. Sometimes I can't even grasp that this is the same man.

Tonight I tried to discuss with him whether we should allow one of our sons to go to the movies with his "girlfriend" and a crowd of friends. X told me that he wouldn't discuss it with me and that he has nothing to say to me at all. Somehow, I had thought that once we were divorced, we could be pleasant to each other. Instead, as time goes on, he seems to be more and more hostile to me, as though I were the one who had the affairs. Now my poor children have to have different rules according to whose house they are in because X wants to vent his anger to me instead of working together for the good of the boys. Of course, the fact that X had those affairs indicated that he didn't care about what was in the boys' best interest, let alone mine.

I worry so much that my boys will grow up to do just what their father did--take out their pain on their own wives and children. I take them to counseling, but I feel helpless. I completely agree with your statement about your heart aching for your kids.

Rose

Rose,

I am sure deep down you know this and you have probably heard this over and over again – it’s not you! My wife had two affairs (that I know about) and I have realized that an affair is the most selfish act that a person can do. The person committing the affair does is for themselves at the cost of hurting the person (or people) they love. My wife often told her friends that I was the “perfect husband” and I “would do anything” for her. For me this was a true statement, I would (as in past tense) have done anything for her. Our marriage is heading down the divorce road and it looks like it is going to be a long bumpy road…

You were married for 19 years and have two children. As much as you would like to, you can’t turn off your feeling for him. I think all you can do is manage those feelings the best you can. Over time it will get easier to manage those feelings but I don’t think they will ever go away.

I often wake up in the middle of the night thinking about my wife and her affair(s) and it can be really difficult to think of anything else. One technique that I use to distract my thoughts is to count prime numbers. That seems to work for me but if that doesn’t work I turn on the radio – talk radio – you don’t want to hear in “love” songs in the middle of the night.

Hope that helps!

My prayers and thoughts go out to you and your family!

Buddy

Rose, just so you know, the anger just increases. It doesn't decrease. He made this mess, and he won't acknowledge responsibility for it, so it must be someone else's fault. Blaming is a key trait of ACOA's. If you don't know what this is, got to ACOA.org. You will likely see a description of your STBX.

Do the best you can for yourself and your children. There is no communicating with some people, I live that daily. Just do all you can to raise emotionally healthy, happy children, even with the situation.

I wish my X would get to a business like relationship, but his blame/hatred runs so deep, neither I or my daughter's counselor thinks it will ever happen.

Rose,

The above statement is very true... you can't turn the feelings off. If you still love him, you can admit it to yourself. Heck, I loved my X for at least 2 years after she left. Now I "think" I love her when I am down (which isn't often anymore). When I feel good, I don't think about her.

I do believe the "love" does go away over time. You have to work at it though.

Keith

My feelings towards him are so ambivalent, I'm not really sure what I think. I love and miss the person he seemed to be when we were first married, but I'm not at all sure that that person was real. It's been over five years since I believed him to be faithful, so it's been a long time since I knew that person. As for the person he is now, I seem want his approval, though I would never admit that to anyone. X does something infuriating, and I get angry and feel like I'm completely over him, but shortly I'm back to wanting him to like me and be pleasant to me. At least I'm not wanting him back--I just want him to acknowledge that I'm a nice person. This all sounds pitiful, doesn't it? I guess I just need to "manage" my feelings. To me this just means live with them as best I can, squelch them when possible and wait for them to go away. I hope it's soon.

Buddy, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I don't understand what could prompt someone to betray the ones who love them, either. I hope you can get some good night's sleep. I can sleep, alright, but I can't wake up. Avoidance, I guess.

My prayers are with you.

Rose

Hello, newly.



I believe you're absolutely right, though it's so hard for me to grasp since it flies in the face of logic. Somehow I've got to make peace with the fact that he wants to be my enemy. This is so uncomfortable. I don't know how you live with it, and I don't know how I will, either.

I checked out about the ACOAs, and some of the traits do describe him--particularly being unable to deal with or recognize his own emotions and avoiding conflict at all costs. I didn't notice passive-aggressive behavior mentioned, but that was a biggie for him. That trait about excessive loyalty, however, only applied to his birth family, not me and the kids.

Thank you for your help--you are such a long time poster, you have probably seen it all.

RR,

You sound a little like my mother. My mother found out my father was a serial cheater and “sex addict” long before that was a common term. All the signs were there, but she was the last to know.

If your ex is similar at all to my father, he was good at charming you and pulling the wool over your eyes, making it near impossible to see the “real” him. Also, there is the question whether the “real” him was ever really emotionally vulnerable and available to you in the way one would expect a spouse to be. Not your fault at all.

As for the whole thing about being pleasant now that you’re divorced…. I’ve found that when two people have dramatically different priorities and values and world views, it’s next to impossible for them to be civil if there are children. And it wouldn’t surprise me if your X blames you for the divorce, and looks back on his years with you with longing.

I know it sounds odd, but it can be the case.

Keith, I won't admit I love him. I certainly don't love the person he turned out to be. Maybe I love the person I thought he was. But, like you, I only think that when I am sad and feeling weak. Mostly I don't think about it. I hope the bad times grow fewer and the good times grow more frequent.

Rose

Gg, I never thought of X as a sex addict, but the multiple affairs and the porn certainly suggest that. And you are right. X charmed me and everyone else. When I first began telling people that he had cheated on me for so long and then was divorcing me, the usual reaction was, "What?! I can't believe it! He seems so (insert admiring compliment)!" He always wants people to think he is just a great guy: glad-handing, smiling, uber-friendly.

He does seem to blame me for the divorce. He acts like I failed him. As for him looking back with longing, I think he would like to be an honorable person again, and maybe that makes him mad--that he holds me responsible for his infidelity, like if I had been a better wife, he wouldn't have "had" to have those affairs.

And I think you are right that we won't be able to be pleasant. Sad.

Thanks for your input.

Rose