How would you impliment these plans if you do not know whether the person is having an affair? My husband keeps getting mad each time I accuse him and in the back of my mind I feel I am wrong. He would leave before having an affair, but here lately things have really changed and have me a little worried. Last night I tried to have a romantic night with him. It felt as if there was NO connection from him, he would not even kiss me passionatly during the deed. He insisted on wearing a condom (I have an IUD). He got upset when I tried to give him a hicky (I gave him one two weeks ago with no problem???) Am I just trippin'? It seems a little off... YHe acts like I am his friend and it is horrible to show me the affection a wife needs. I will not give up on us though- he is the perfect husband for me.

My WW wife was like that during her PA/EA. If we "did the deed" it was only because I pushed the issue and there was no romance, no kissing and no fun. She said she was just performing her "wifely duties".

After the affair was over, it was hit and miss for a while but now she has done a 180. Not about the kissing just that I don't have to pursue her anymore. She gets really "clingy" almost like she's scared she's going to lose me.

It is such a blow to my self-confidence and happiness to have a wife that is not interested in me that way. The problem is not physical but emotional. We lost something over the years that has turned love-making into just sex.

I am not saying that this means that he is cheating but it is a strong indicator of relationship problems. It also seems to be a real danger for your marriage. If he has not found someone to fill the void that he will not allow you to fill, he could try.

I'm not a sex expert like Dr. Ruth but it does not seem healthy to be married to someone and have no spark in bed. Maybe you should hold off accusing him of an affair and try a different approach. If it is not too late, you might try asking him to go to counseling with you to sort out your relationship issues. Good luck.

I completely agree. I know we are having some serious problems, I just wish he would voice them to me. He acts as if either he just does not care to try or he just expects me to know what is wrong.

He had voiced some concernsmonths ago and I have fixed them, I have had two slip ups in the accusation problem area though.When I say accusations I mean I questioned him about a couple things (he calls it accusing, I just call it being concerned- I never said I know you were with someone else)

Here is an example I talked to him at 6:45pm. He said he was on Hwy 242 getting gas (242 is approx. 10 min. from our home. When he did not come home in that time frame I just figured I misheard him and he meant he was getting gas off of 249 which is an hour away. when he got home he had on a necklace (which his sister had yet to give him- it was the necaklace his cousin was wearing when he died).

I asked him what took him so long to get home, since it was now 8pm. He said he stopped by his mom's house. I asked why he had told me on the phone he was on his way at 6:45pm and he was getting gas on 242. He said he did not get gas on 242, I was trippin because he got gas off of 1314, which is near his mom's house.

I started crying,which always makes him so mad but I can't help it, thiniking why would he need to cover going to his mom's up-although the necklace was obvious proof he was there- I also called his mom and she confirmed.

Because I asked these question he said I was accusing him of having an affair- I do not see anywhere that I had asked this.

That night was the first night there was no spark in bed. Just the previous week he had wrote me a sexy email telling me what he wanted to do to me when he got home and he did. He has never been big on making out or foreplay but on occassion he would, so that part is normal.

Usually if I try to kiss him, though, he DOES NOT pull away. That night it was as if I had some disease and he would get it if I kissed him.

It was horrible. I felt cheap, used, and hurt. It is a horrible blow to the confidence. I know I am attractive, I may not be the most beautiful woman in the world, but I am pretty.

He used to tell me I looked like an angel. Up until three months ago he was always saying he was scared I would leave him because I was so pretty, he was afraid I would find someone more attractive than he.

He is perfect to me, the most gorgeous man I have ever seen before in my life. When I first met him I though he was just playing with me, I did not think a man as good looking as him would want a girl like me.

We were inseperatable ever since the meeting. We have had our share of problems.

I nagged way too much- why can't you spend more time with me, why can't you show me more affection, when are you going to do this, blah blah blah.

I know now I was also too "lovey dovey" as he put it, but I was just trying to show him how much he meant to me. I thought he like me rubbing his back, scratching his back, smothering him is kisses and hugs, rubbing his feet, whatever he needed I was more than happy to oblige.

He means the world to me, he has his drawbacks but what he does not realize is yes they make me irratted, but they are part of him and I love them too.

His jelousy lets me know he loves and cares for me. Him not wanting me to wear revealing clothes lets me know I am sexy.

The only thing I can't deal with so much is how he is so gaurded, he will not talk or discuss how he feels- is this a guy thing?

I hope you and your wife are able to work through t5he problems. She probably feels ashamed of what she did and maybe there are times she is not sure she is "worthy" of you affection. I know I personally would feel that way if I did something that bad to my spouse. My mother had a EA , i do not know if it ever got physical- she had met the man online and he lived in New yor or something. I know he flew out here but I am not sure if she met him or if my dad had found out about the affair prior to the meeting. I was 14 at the time. I just remember my mom and dad seemed to have seperate lives after that. My dad would try to kiss he and she would pull away. One night I overheard them talking and my dad asked he why she was so distant. She said it was because she was ashamed she had hurt and betrayed him so much. She said he was a great man and father and did not deserve what she did to him. She said everytime she kissed him she was afraid he would be thinking about her and the other man. He told her the affair was over and he forgived her for it, he wanted his wife back again. They are still togather- I am 25. They overcame the obstacle but it did take time. I wish you and your wife the best of luck- your wife is lucky to have a man who loves and values her so very much.

Hi SadSadWife,

Your story is very sad indeed. It seems unclear that your husband is actually having an affair. But it is clear that there are problems. It almost sounds like you are polarized (your need for attention and his not wanting to give so much). Maybe there could be some compromise and communication about how you each feel.

I would suggest that you ease up on any more accusations unless you have more proof. The reason I say that is because he might be innocent. If he is innocent, accusations could push him away and possibly drive him to cheat. I found an article that listed 29 signs your spouse could be cheating. I will paste it below:

29 Red Flags
If your partner's behavior in one of the following areas hoists a red flag, remember, it may not necessarily be cause for alarm. Weigh your words. Think before you accuse. Proceed with caution.

1 - When they no longer want sex or makes excuses.

2 - When they will not allow you access to their computer or they suddenly shut down the computer when you walk into the room. They may password protect their laptop or computer to keep out suspicious eyes. Or they stay up to "work" on the computer after you go to bed. Excessive internet usage, especially late at night, is a red flag.

3 - When they begin to put distance between you or show a lack of interest in what has been the routine with few, if any, excuses.

4 - When they suddenly have to work late and have all kinds of new obligations that take them away from home repeatedly or for long periods of time. Or. . . they tell you they are working longer hours and discontinue allowing you to view their paycheck or pay stubs.

5 - When they get mysterious phone calls or when they hurry to answer the phone, leave the room to talk on the phone and when you ask who called, they say, "No one," or "Wrong number."

6 - When they suddenly need a cell phone or pager and you are discouraged from ever looking at it or using it. They also may make certain their cell phone or pager cannot be answered by you by hiding it or taking it with them wherever they go. They are secretive about their cell phone or pager bill and pay it themselves when you have always paid the bill in the past.

7 - When they arrive home smelling faintly of perfume/cologne or another person's body.

8 - When they arrive home and head straight into the shower or bath.

9 - When they have lipstick or strange hairs on their clothing or in the car. Finding strange phone numbers, receipts or condoms can also be clues.

10 - When they suddenly begins to treat you extremely nice; more so than usual.

11 - When they begin to make "kinky" requests or suggest wildly erotic play during sex including things you have never done before. They may also show an increased interest in sex or sexual things, including porn.

12 - When they talk to you they treat you abusively or with disdain, disrespect or excess sarcasm. They may also demonstrate an unexplained aloofness or indifference in the relationship. Or. . . they may begin to find fault in everything you do in an attempt to justify the affair.

13 - Her: When she gets spiffed up and dresses provocative to "go grocery shopping" or to "get her hair done." She may also show up with a sudden change of hair style. Him: When he showers, shaves (cologne, deodorant, etc.) and dresses up more than usual to "go out with his buddies" or to "go fishing."

14 - When they break their established routine at work and home for no apparent or logical reason.

15 - When they become suddenly forgetful and you have to tell him/her everything several times; their thoughts are elsewhere.

16 - When they are always tired or demonstrate a noticeable lack of energy or interest in the relationship.

17 - When they begin to intentionally look at or flirt with the opposite sex when in the past, this is something they would not have done.

18 - When you notice that they reluctant to kiss you or accept your affection.

19 - When they ignore or criticize your affections and thoughtful ways.

20 - When your phone bill shows an increase in unexplained toll or long distance charges. Often when a partner is acting too close or flirting with a best friend of the opposite sex, you will find their phone number listed excessively.

21 - When the passenger seat in the car has been changed and is not in the usual position or the mileage on the car is more than usual. Also increased gas purchases that are inconsistent with the amount of miles on the car.

22 - When they begin to keep a change of clothes hidden in the trunk of the car or an unusual amount of clothes changes at the gym.

23 - When you notice credit card charges for gifts (such as florist or jewelry) that you didn't receive.

24 - When they begin to make sudden and excessive purchases of clothes or an unexplained change in clothing style. Beginning to purchase sexy underwear or lingerie may be a clue.

25 - When you notice an increase in ATM withdrawals. Cheating costs money! To play you must pay!

26 - When you notice that your partner loses their ability and desire to show the children the attention they need or a lack of desire to do any fix-ups around the house, e.g., lawn care, painting, cleaning the garage, house repairs, etc.

27 - When you notice an increased attention to losing weight or paying more attention to their appearance.

28 - When they begin to volunteer to go to the post office, rushes to check the mail before you do or opens up a new P.O. Box.

29 - When your partner shows up without their wedding ring or suddenly stops wearing it and makes lame excuses as to why.

Now most of these apply to my WW but she has admitted to cheating so that makes sense. In the last year, some of these signs are no longer there (which is comforting). I would not even suggest that this is a sure fire way to know for sure. The point it, you might see some things to watch for and if you find some concrete evidence, call him on it.

However, it is a slippery slope because you might get more than you bargained for. I read your other post where you mentioned an ex that cheated. It has to be difficult to trust a new partner after that. I have only been with my wife and could not imagine trusting someone else or getting serious again.

However, since you have committed to him in marriage you should probably give him the benefit of the doubt. It seems a little unfair to assume that he would cheat just because someone else did. I would assume that he knows of your past experiences with your ex and doesn't want to be blamed for the sins of others.

I'm not saying that he hasn't cheated or that he has only that you shouldn't accuse him unless it really happened. Maybe a heartfelt talk about it will open some healthy dialog. If you told him how you feel without putting him on trial, he might get the message.

I guess I beat that one to death. Thanks for your support. It is a slow and painful process that is filled with ups and downs. I hope that we can have a true resolution for the sake of our family and our marriage. I would hate for our sons to grow up and leave only to realize that our relationship was based more on being parents than on being husband and wife.

I hope you can make some headway with your husband and that things work out.

Thank you so very much for the advice. It is very hard to think of having a seperated/divorced family. It is so final and so awkward for everyone involved, my prayers go out to you and your wife, I also hope a resolution can be found for the two of you. I guyess it all just take time and patience. it is hard to do that though.

I have only been going through this for the past couple months ( the time during our seperation and the past two weeks) and I cannot imagine dealing with this aching feeling for a longer amount of time. I will do it though for my husband, I just cannot turn my back on my vows.

My husband and I had some small talk last night. Mainly we talked about how he is going to get an apartment with his uncle. I smiled through the swelling tears and told him I am sure they will get along great. I was at loss of what to say- I wanted to say NO!!! Please don't leave, but I kept thinking about so much of the advice on this site.

What scares me is if he leaves I know it is over.... Inevitablly he will find someone during this time to meet his needs and I could never be with him again witout imagining him with another person. \

I realize now he is in the state of withdraw. without us having any phsical contact, and me respecting this need I cannot see how we can reconnect. We have small talk, but the talking only lasts for 10 to 15 min. He knows I am starting my counceling sessions on Monday, I want to get rid of all the baggage I have been lugging around that has inevitablly lead up to his upset.

It is very difficult to deal with trusting someone else when you have been decieved, and I was decieved for 7 years. Ironically with that relationship I knew it was over before we even got married. I thought I was in love and we could make it work (I was 18).

Looking back, I was not in love, I was attached because we had two small babies and I wanted them to have the stable life I had. In that marriage I was completely submissive, then again if I ever voiced my feelings about anything I would get the you know what beat out of me.

The first year I was living with my Now husband I would flinch anytime he would make a sudden move, like I was waiting for him to hit me, which he never would and never will he is not like that.

Once I became pregnant with our son the fear of an affair began, mainly from my insecurity. Here I was gaining weight (duh, i was pregnant) and I just did not feel sexy.

Also around that time he started having really strange behavior which lead to me asking questions. For instance, for three months he worked at an air conditioning company. He would go to work sometime in the morning but he would not return on several occassions until after midnight.

He would say he had been working on a unit. I just could not imagine someone letting some stranger be in their house so late at night. I gave it up and trusted him.

One day I call his work for something or another and the secretary tells me he had left two hours prior.

I wait and wait.

four hours later he shows up, aroung the "normal" time he got home (the midnight coming homes were about 6 times during his employment there).

I asked him how his day was, he said good. I then asked if anything particular happened today, he said no. I then manuver- I say well that is funny because I called your work and they said you left four hours ago.

At first he denied denied denied- said the secretary was not even there.... I thne told him she had told me she had just returned from lunch and she told me what time she had returned from lunch and my H was in the backroom turning in his work papers to the boss.

He looked down and would'nt talk to me for some time, he even got angry that I was upset.

I asked him well, where were you?

nothing.

Baby, please tell me where you were Im just concerned now, you are acting like you have something to hide and I do not understand.

Nothing.

Finally, after 30 min. and me breaking down and saying if you cannot tell me where you were then I guess I know where you were, he tells me he had went to a buddies house and smoked weed.

He was afraid to tell me bacause then I would either leave him or never let him live it down.

I told him I would rather think he was out doing that than cheating.

we had a heart to heart about how our son did not need to see his daddy doing that stuff and going to jail and he said he would quit- for real this time.

I trusted him but later found out he had not quit and had been smoking the entire time. I found out because he never returned home from work one night.

I was frantic.

I called hospitals, I drove around, i was freaked.

Finally around 5 am I called all the jails around here. Low and behold he was in jail. He had gotten pulled over coming home from his uncles house and he had a roach in his ashtray. I contacted a bail bond and ailed him out.

I told him this was the last time I would bail him out, I will be there for him but I would not aid in his behavior. he agreed to stop.
NOT so...

When he was put on probation a year ago he did finally stop. He started back again for a little bit two weeks ago and quit for fear of failing a drug test.

These things have lead to my distrust in him, not just my ex's deciet. I understood my H was and is not made up of the same qualities as my ex.

Not once until I got pregnanat did I have concern. I did not have concern until started acting in ways most people would become concerned.

Now I feel like a fool, though, because none of it was worth losing him over. He has his small faults, but I love those, they make him unique and wonderful, minus the dishonesty- I do not love or like that.

I woke up with him this morning. As soon as he saw me I saw the dread sweep over his face.

I smiled at him and walked out side ( I recently started back smoking (cigarettes), yucky habit). He finished getting ready and walked out.

I asked him if he got the note I left (which talks about some issues of the relevance mu parents had and they made it through (happily married still for 25 years) and asking him if he would atleast try the counceling with me- In the letter I wrote

" Will you please think about counceling? Maybe just a few sessions and if it does not work out it doea not work out. It can't hurt just to try, right now you want to seperate and if it doeant work we will seperate. If it doeas help then we will have each other and a new begginning."

Anyhow, he said goodbye, he'd see me later. I said I hope you have a great day, after a pause he said you too. Came back in here and logged on....


with him still wearing his wedding ring and stil having our wedding picture on his key ring is a good sign right???