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Post deleted by recoveryhopeful
Last edited by recoveryhopeful; 05/09/07 07:43 AM.
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all under the age of 19, correct? I know they wonder what is up with mom for now tell them this: "I just found out that your Dad has lied to me. He says he is sorry. I am still very upset." If they ask YOU "What did Dad lie about?" tell them to ask their Dad
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Please purchase and read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley. He is an expert in these matters, and you and your H may want to consider counseling with their organization. Anyway, most of the advice you'll receive on these forums will be based on the Marriage Builder's philosophy. Understanding the dynamics of an affair, and how marriages can become vulnerable will help you more than you imagine.
Much of the MB program is counterintuitive to what you might have the urge to do, and what your well intended friends and family may tell you, as well. Don't do anything rash, until you are familiar with the program. To do so may damage your efforts to save your marriage, if that's what you choose to do. There a many very experienced people who have gone through what you are going through who can guide you through the process.
Stick around. Read. Learn. Ask questions. This is a very compassionate site, but if you need a "wake up" call, that's available too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
SD
BH - me 53, ONS 1979 FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003 Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04
***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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He initially confessed one affair that he said happened 13 years ago (we've been married 19), then gradually confessed two more--one 5 years ago and one 6 months ago OK so he's has been adulterous 3 times that you know ofno matter how long ago no matter how brief each lasted he gave himself permission at least 3 times that you know of to put your physical & mental health at risk so he could orgasm with someone new This means that 100% of the fault is HIS NONE of this has ~anything~ to do with what you did wrong or did not do right this is a character issue <~~~ which totally belongs to your adulterous husband
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not ever returning to the meetings where he met two of them what meetings are you talking about?
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It is 4 in the morning. This past evening I asked my husband if there have ever been any other women in his life. It's a feeling that's been nagging me for the last few months. Well, he admitted to having 3 affairs in our 18 years of marriage. At first he refused to answer anymore questions. But then he came around and offer some information. At first, he only mentioned one affair...13 years ago that lasted several months with a business associate. Then he confessed there were 3 different women. The second was 5 years ago that lasted several months. The last was 6 months ago that lasted a week.
Let me say we had what seem the perfect marriage. We had date nights every week, we always showed loved and respect to each other. We were even asked to mentor couples struggling in marriage (which we chose not to do at that time). I am blown away.
I think I could have handled a recent affair. Or one a long time ago. But knowing that for 13 of our 19 years of marriage, he deceived me... I am crushed.
When I asked why, he just said he felt so alone sometimes.
I have 5 children ages 6-17. They are so clueless. We have always told them that mommy and daddy are committed to each other and love each other for life. I have no idea how I can face them when they wake up. My stomach is a mess. If I eat, I know I will throw up. I can't sleep.
Is there anyone up who can tell me how to get through this next day. I am not a weak person, but this... your 1st post on JFO
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Is there anyone up who can tell me how to get through this next day. I am not a weak person, but this... think of this as an emotional rape talk to your doctor tell MD exactly what has happened ask for a prescription to help you cope with no sleep/depression/anxiety for the next 3-6 months whatever you do do NOT take any of WH's discomfort away DO give your WH several important and difficult tasks he must willingly and graceously complete before you even permit a discussion of how to "move forward" if your WH asks you what your plans are: answer "I am still thinking about what I will do." give him the gift of insisting he PROVE himself TO YOU (not the other way around) tell your WH that you love him but that you have NO RESPECT for him right now and you have NO TRUST in him right now and tell him there is hope those missing marriage qualities can be restored ... it depends entirely on his behaviors from here on out does this seem too complicted for you to manage at this difficult time???
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PS
do NOT share MB with your WH at this time
why not?
you have no reason to trust him at this point
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When I asked why, he just said he felt so alone sometimes. You do know, don't you, that this is just CRAP-babble. This means he has not yet decided to man-up and take full responsibility. Most adulterous cannot answer the "Why? how could you?" question right away.... because they are standing in the shallow end of the pool wondering if they can even swim or if there are sharks everywhere .... it takes awhile before you can expect him to be anything but shallow in his "Why" .... You will know when he shows readiness to swim in the deep end of marriage recovery when his responses are not so self-pitiful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> "I felt alone" <~~~ means the next time he feels alone .... then what? Allow him to crawl toward you on bare hands & knees across broken glass and over fire the reason I am being so darn hard on your WH ~~~> 3rd time that you know of .... it becomes a lifestyle choice and not "a mistake" There is hope (a lot) for your M however YOU can pack his things today & remove him from your home if that is your wish .... no one here has the right to tell you that you MUST give WH a 4th chance to be faithful
Last edited by Pepperband; 04/28/07 01:16 PM.
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Post deleted by recoveryhopeful
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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AA Meetings. He went through treatment at 17 and has been sober since (24 years). He doesn't attend often any longer, but drops in once in awhile. I realize the affairs could be another outlet for addictive behavior. that's what I thought you were going to say ~~~> AA meetings My H goes to AA meetings several times per week .... a few times he has been asked to do favors by female AA members .... he always asks me first, I always say "no" men-only meetings are available <~~~ I recommend this be one of your recovery points
Last edited by Pepperband; 04/28/07 01:53 PM.
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I realize the affairs could be another outlet for addictive behavior. This doesn't make you feel better, does it? It is a matter of his character. You know this, right? It is not you. It is not the marriage. it is him. his immaturity. His lack of coping skills. His willingness to self-gratify at the expense of his family. Be a prize he must reach for .... Do not be too easily available. right now.
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You do not have to "do" anything or make any decisions until you are good & ready ...
Take care
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((((((((((((DKT))))))))))))
IT takes ALOT of time. My only advice right now is to try to take care of you. I know your mind is spinning and you can't even concentrate on anything. Just try to do ONE thing, just one.
If you have to pick up take-out, do it.
You cannot be superhuman right now. YOU need care.
Eat whatever you can, even if it's milkshakes. You'll get real weak if you don't.
It will get better. Get to your doc.
Keep posting.
God Bless.
BW(me) DDay EA 4/05 DDay PA 6/05 In recovery
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And just wanted to add, what you feel is normal. I felt exactly that way. I couldn't function and I wanted to be alone. I would do SOMETHING and then I would retreat back to my room. It was the beginning of the anxiety attacks.
I could not handle ANYTHING.
Go easy on yourself. You are going through a trauma. A real trauma. That is why you feel like you do.
(((((DKT))))))
BW(me) DDay EA 4/05 DDay PA 6/05 In recovery
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I think it is good that you let out some of your built up anger! I did the same thing but waited four monthes...I smashed our big screen tv, threw every tool he owned in the drive way and it was all I could do not to have a Carrie Underwood moment with his prize possession his Harley! He came home and like your husband was stunned...I just looked at him and said ...you know it's really not anger so much as it is hurt.
I am glad to hear you are praying also...that was hard for me at first. I believe but was mad at God not only regarding the affair but I had lost my mother in July. I know now that God does not cause these things but sometimes allows them to bring you to your knees so to speak.
Try to eat somethin...soup, crackers something. I could not eat either...lost 20 pounds the first six weeks. I know it is diffcult to face and even deal with the children right now...home schooling will be hard..maybe they need a snow day or an extra on your own project they can work on.
I was already on an antidepressant when I found out about WS affair but I doubled up. It will help...I dont know if it will make the depression go away but it will surely make it easier to deal with.
I don't know how we get through it either. You have made it though since Friday and you will get through today and tommorow. I remember thinking I had to do it for my children. Even though mine are older, there are still two at home and they gave me something to focus on....that is not right..it was hard to focus on anything. I am a nurse and going to work at first was so hard...I did not want to leave and function for fear of what might be going on at home but now I have found it to be a refuge...something that is normal in my life and i can forget for awhile.
Make time to do things for yourself...it is very important right now. I know as moms we are not used to doing that but you have to....you need the boost!
I will keep reading your post...you are going to make it!
DDI - November 26, 2006 DDII - May 28, 2007 Married 20 years 3 childre - m/24, m/17, f/12
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??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> ??? I don't get it UNDERWOOD .... the American Idol? pleeeeeze 'splain
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Yes the american idol...she has a hit song..Before He Cheats!
DDI - November 26, 2006 DDII - May 28, 2007 Married 20 years 3 childre - m/24, m/17, f/12
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