Hi all. I have posted this to another board (over at DivorceNet) and have gotten good feedback there. But I was reading through many of the posts here and saw others who seemed like they were in my same situation. So I thought I would ask for your feedback here. I am posting my two original posts here and thank you in advance for any guidance you can give.
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My username should say it all. But let me just get my story out and you can confirm this for me.
My wife and I have been married for 13 years, together for 15 years. There are no kids involved. For several years now things have been bad, but I was in denial for a long time. It began by a loss of intimacy, although I felt that things were still good because (I felt) we were still good friends. So, it seemed that our marriage was basically enjoyable. I remember my wife saying once that she thought it was a problem. I denied it and assured her that she was still attractive and that it had nothing to do with anything physical or emotional. It was just something that never seemed to fit into our daily schedule. Well, reading this site has been a real eye-opener for me. I now see how mistaken I was. So, what just sort of started, then became a habit, is now something that I can't even think how to get back to. We'll come back to this in a bit.
So, reviewing things now, I can see how I have been emotionally withdrawing myself all this time. I don't know why. I do know that I want to reverse things. Needless to say, my wife has now evolved past those initial stages and probably thinks that this is just the way it is and that we just need to move on with our lives.
The one thing that makes my situation somewhat unique, is that my in-laws live with us. I have never been keen on this arrangement. I may just be using them as an excuse to justify my emotional distance, but I can't see rectifying things with my wife, unless we get our life alone together back. Which would require me to get them to move out.
Okay, so the other night I asked her if she wanted a divorce. She just said "yes". Point blank. I asked if there was any way we could fix our marriage. She just said "no". She said she just wanted to part ways and live with her parents. She also said "you don't want anything with me, anyway." Thinking about it now, I wonder if she was just stating a fact, or if this was an opening that I failed to pick up on.
In the course of my "research," I have been reflecting a lot on my wife and my marriage. And I do love her. I realize all the time I have wasted not doing my part (no intimacy, no common interests, no doing chores together, etc). I understand that this may be ruined beyond all recognition. But I want to try to save it.
So, I want to talk to her and pretty much take the following action (asking her to give us six months to see if we can get our relationship back in a good place):
1. Convince her to go to counselling.
2. Promise to change and work out opportunities for us to do stuff together, by making a date night. (And of course keeping the promise...)
3. Work on communicating with her every day.
4. Do better with giving her little surprises and doing anything else I can to show her how special she is.
5. Just be intimate with her. No more stupid excuses.
6. The in-laws would have to move out. I can't continue this living arrangement. I know, however, that given her attachment to them and the current total lack of connection and trust with me, makes this a situation that I won't be able to address initially. I hope I can work on the other five, even though they are here, and get my relationship in a position where my wife would be more willing to see my side.
Or am I just fooling myself? Should I just realize how much I have cocked everything up, cut my losses and move on?
Thank God for the anonymity of the Internet. I don't see how I could have said all this stuff to people. If we make it to counselling, I will obviously have to overcome this hang-up. But this is a good first start.
Thanks for listening. Sorry I rambled on so...
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Hi guys. So I took the next step and wrote the first draft of what I want to tell my wife. I will be reading over it and revising it before I manage to get together with her to tell her these things. I would, however, appreciate your collective critical eyes. Let me know if I am omitting stuff or giving the wrong signals, or just plain being my annoying analytical self. I plan to do the "sending the flowers" thing for a Sunday dinner together. I think if I get flowers to her on Friday, then she'll have a chance to either give me a chance or to shoot me down. We might even get some talking in beforehand, which would turn the dinner-date into something else. Okay, gotta stop rambling. Here is my first draft:
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My love, it is a sad memorial that the most we have connected with each other in years came Sunday night as we talked about divorce. But, I find it hopeful that, even as we discussed something so disastrous to both our lives, we quickly slipped into that solidarity of pursuing a common cause.
As promised, I began looking into what we would have to do to get divorced. In the course of this research, I have been reflecting on you and me and us. I continue to hear the echo of you saying that I didn't want to be with you, as well as the deafening silence of me not responding.
I have had an opportunity to read the stories of many people at this same step. I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as I read women crying out in pain because of husbands who behave almost exactly as I do. Then, I am comforted when the occasional guy admits to much the same transgressions. While the behavior is inexcusable and should never have occurred, there is a perverse comfort in not being alone.
Now, in retrospect, I can see how I withdrew from you, little by little. First, by slowing intimacy, before stopping it altogether. Only to compound it by withdrawing completely into my own world and basically ignoring you completely. I see how I was in denial about this, even though you directly asked me about it more than once. Since, it just gradually crept up on me, it was easy to believe that things were okay, even when they weren't. This last year, though, I, even dumb and blind I, recognized your finally abandoning me emotionally. This led me, finally to confront you about my suspicion.
But for the last year, I have felt myself trapped in a hopeless situation. Once I realized what was going, I thought I could just change. Unfortunately, I could see no way to approach you. Nothing felt normal. After a little bit, I began slipping back into withdrawal. What I should have done was what I am doing now.
Thinking about this now, I know that I do love you. I never wanted to cause you any pain. Quite the contrary, I always wanted to make you happy. I want to make you happy now.
I know that, given the state of our relationship at this moment, I can't expect you to have any faith in my words. Talk is cheap. But I hope I can convince you that I sincerely want to do the things I say. I fervently hope I will get the opportunity to show, through actions, that I seriously want to make this work and give you the kind of marriage I realize now that you desire, the kind of marriage I know now that you deserve, the kind of marriage I am long overdue in helping to bring about. The only thing I ask of you is that you give me six months to show you that I can and want to do this.
I want to show you that you are the center of my world and that I want to build a life, a future, with you. I want to start with something simple, but concrete. I want to find ways for us to do things together. I want to make special time for you, such as taking you out frequently. We can do things that we both like to do, we can do things that you like to do, but I have always resisted, we can do anything you want. I will also make it a point to look for ways to connect with you during the day every day, to see how you're doing, how your day is going.
I know that intimacy is going to be hard to get back into, since we seem to be so, so far away from an intimate relationship. But, I want to cuddle with you, I want to rub your back, kiss you goodbye, hello, good morning and good night. I know that if we both allow ourselves to get close to each other, then intimacy will develop. If this hasn't happened in six months, then I am probably doing something wrong. Hopefully, we can develop a trusting relationship, though, where you can help me get there.
I know also, that my not working with you doing chores, has also gone a long way towards indicating that I didn't want I life with you. That was not my intention. I promise to work with you, doing chores together, so you can see that I do want to make a life with you. I will try, also, to look for ways to anticipate what you need or want, and to do those things without you having to even ask. Again, I truly hope that our relationship will flower, so that you can help me in this process.
Please, my love, I know how stupid I have been. I see how inconsiderately I have treated you. I understand how I have failed to show you that you are beautiful, that you are my ideal wife, that I love you and want you. Please, give me this one chance to show you that I can change. I want to show you that I can be the husband you want and deserve. I want to give you the life and marriage you thought you signed up for. If you give me this chance, I will do whatever I can to show you that we can make this work. Please don't give up on me, on us.
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Jerk
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