Hello, I need help!

I really don't know what to do, after speaking to parents and preist, I am confused. I am going through the most horrible time of my life. I don't want to eat and I feel bad.

Before I go on any further, I will say what is going on in marriage. First, my husband is somewhat immature at times. He sometimes doesn't take things serious or me. He doesn't worry about things as much as I do. Also, he is very careful with money at times, not all the times but at times because he doesn't have a good paying job as me.

He can be tight. He is sometimes cold, like he doesn't take me serious for my birthday and on valentine's day, he didn't even say nothing, becuase his sister had an emotional problem. Another thing, since he had nothing to offer me when we got married, 8 months ago, my parents decided to let us use the next door apartment which is next door to their house, they are the owners, and they didn't want us to pay rent because they knew he couldn't afford it. We had been living in this apartment since we got married. My parents and family use the shower room and kitchen because their house is under construction, but they try to give us privacy.

They never budded in or asked us for money. Their belief is that my husband would be treated like a son because of me. But, my hubby wouldn't take the trash because he claimed that others dirtied the place or kitchen. I would tell him that he had to be grateful for being in the place for free. I would ask him that if he didn't work, and their was no milk or groceries in the fridge, to get some , but he always responded that he never ate at the apartment while I was gone to work, so why bother. I would get upset because he wasn't acting like a family member. I would ignore when he spoke to me. I would call him names, put him down. To make a story longer, he just starting disliking my family. He didn't really like it if I spent time with them.If my parents went to the apartment to get something from the fridge or whatever, he would go to the bedroom and close the door. So we would fight constantly because I wanted him to love them as much as I do. But since he didn't, then when I would mingle with his family, I wouldn't really say much, I was quiet because it wasn't fair that I show manners and love towards them when he didn't do the same for my family. For any reason, I would threat him, and I would not give him sex when I thought he didn't deserve it. I would tell him that if he was tight about things, then no sex. But, just the other day, we had an argument because I took out 200 dollars to spend in a casino. and he was mad, and I told him he was tight and I told him I wanted a divorce. He got upset, and he started socking the steering wheel with his hand, while in the car. I didn't know what to do, so when we got home, I ran to my parents and I told them about our argument and they got upset.

During the argument, he told me that I always give things to my parents like money and lending them the car. I told him that he was selfish. So when I told my parents about our argument, they were upset and hurt that after all they have helped him and treated him like a son, he was talking bad about them. So they advised me that he was no good for me and that he was a tight man who was going to always be crying about money. SO, i told him I wanted a divorce, because I was mad. WHen I told him, he didn't want to do it,but I told him that it was the best because of his tight attitude and our problems. When he was moving his things out of the apartment, my parents were there and he didn't even say thanks , he was quiet the whole time.He left without saying thanks or nothing.

He just left me a note where we slept, the note said he loved me. We fought a lot. I guess because he is different than me. I was raised to not worry so much about money to the point of being cold and selfish. And his parents were the type to work and pay bills and make money. Well, I feel awful now, since he has been gone. I miss him. I feel empty without him.

I did fight a lot, but now that he is gone, I regret everything. But he hasn't called or nothing. I wonder if I should proceed with the divorce? My parents and family tell me he is immature, ill mannered and selfish. But I love him even though at times he makes me mad, I love him. I felt comfortable around him. I am really scared for what might happen with me.

I cry and feel bad. But at times I felt he didn't value me and took me and my family for granted. That is why I couldn't enjoy being with his family because he didn't care about mine. I guess what is confusing me is: should I stay with him even though he has been disrespectful to my parents.For I care for my parents and I will always help them, but I feel this bothers him. He hasn't called or looked for me. I am so scared he might want a divorce. I feel bad, I miss my partner. It' s only 8 months since we married.My parents tell me it is better if he don't get back with me because he is selfish and by his side I will suffer because he is disrepectful and selfish.

He may not be a man like the other men who are really manly and he has a lot of defects, but I love him even though he is weird sometimes!

Duke- Sounds like you are demanding all the changes from him and nothing for yourself to change. Go ahead and divorce him and marry 5 more because unless you grow up and see it takes TWO fully functional Mature human beings to make a marriage you will always be spining your wheels. Your situation sounds like any garden variety marriage problems which ALL newly maried peole go through. I would advise you to hang in there, get away from both families and see how you two can grow together. You are about to kill your marriage. By the way your huaband has every right not to like your parents and you his.

Welcome to MB Dukeboy.

I made paragraphs with your post to be able to read it easily. You are in a good place here on MB.
DLK21



I really don't know what to do, after speaking to parents and preist, I am confused.
I am going through the most horrible time of my life.
I don't want to eat and I feel bad.
before I go on any further, I will say what is going on in marriage.

First, my husband is somewhat immature at times.
He sometimes doesn't take things serious or me.
He doesn't worry about things as much as I do.
Also, he is very careful with money at times, not all the times but at times because he doesn't have a good paying job as me.
He can be tight.

He is sometimes cold, like he doesn't take me serious for my birthday and on valentine's day, he didn't even say nothing, becuase his sister had an emotional problem.

Another thing, since he had nothing to offer me when we got married, 8 months ago, my parents decided to let us use the next door apartment which is next door to their house, they are the owners, and they didn't want us to pay rent because they knew he couldn't afford it.
We had been living in this apartment since we got married.

My parents and family use the shower room and kitchen because their house is under construction, but they try to give us privacy.
They never budded in or asked us for money.
Their belief is that my husband would be treated like a son because of me.
But, my hubby wouldn't take the trash because he claimed that others dirtied the place or kitchen.

I would tell him that he had to be grateful for being in the place for free.
I would ask him that if he didn't work, and their was no milk or groceries in the fridge, to get some , but he always responded that he never ate at the apartment while I was gone to work, so why bother.
I would get upset because he wasn't acting like a family member.
I would ignore when he spoke to me.
I would call him names, put him down.

To make a story longer, he just starting disliking my family.
He didn't really like it if I spent time with them.If my parents went to the apartment to get something from the fridge or whatever, he would go to the bedroom and close the door.
So we would fight constantly because I wanted him to love them as much as I do.
But since he didn't, then when I would mingle with his family, I wouldn't really say much, I was quiet because it wasn't fair that I show manners and love towards them when he didn't do the same for my family.
For any reason, I would threat him, and I would not give him sex when I thought he didn't deserve it.

I would tell him that if he was tight about things, then no sex.
But, just the other day, we had an argument because I took out 200 dollars to spend in a casino.
and he was mad, and I told him he was tight and I told him I wanted a divorce.

He got upset, and he started socking the steering wheel with his hand, while in the car. I didn't know what to do, so when we got home, I ran to my parents and I told them about our argument and they got upset.

During the argument, he told me that I always give things to my parents like money and lending them the car. I told him that he was selfish.

So when I told my parents about our argument, they were upset and hurt that after all they have helped him and treated him lilke a son, he was talking bad about them. So they advised me that he was no good for me and that he was a tight man who was going to always be crying about money.

SO, i told him I wanted a divorce, because I was mad.

WHen I told him, he didn't want to do it, but I told him that it was the best because of his tight attitude and our problems.

When he was moving his things out of the apartment, my parents were there and he didn't even say thanks , he was quiet the whole time.

He left without saying thanks or nothing.

He just left me a note where we slept, the note said he loved me.
We foughtt a lot.
I guess because he is different than me.

I was raised to not worry so much about money to the point of being cold and selfish. And his parents were the type to work and pay bills and make money.

Well, I feel awful now, since he has been gone. I miss him. I feel empty without him. I did fight a lot, but now that he is gone, I regret everything.

But he hasn't called or nothing. I wonder if I should proceed with the divorce? My parents and family tell me he is immature, ill mannered and selfish. But I love him even though at times he makes me mad, I love him. I felt comfortable around him. I am really scared for what might happen with me. I cry and feel bad.

But at times I felt he didn't value me and took me and my family for granted. That is why I couldn't enjoy being with his family because he didn't care about mine.

I guess what is confusing me is: should I stay with him even though he has been disrespectful to my parents.For I care for my parents and I will always help them, but I feel this bothers him.

He hasn't called or looked for me. I am so scared he might want a divorce. I feel bad, I miss my partner. It' s only 8 months since we married. My parents tell me it is better if he don't get back with me because he is selfish and by his side I will suffer because he is disrepectful and selfish.

He may not be a man like the other men who are really manly and he has a lot of defects, but I love him even though he is weird sometimes!

Thanks for your reply. Now that he is not here with me, he still hasn't called or anything. Which makes me feel like I lost him. Anyways, I guess now that he is not here, I really feel bad that there were times where I didn't cook fo him because I was mad at him. I didn't share my money when he had nothing because I was mad at him. I didn't have sex with him because I was mad. And every time I got mad, I thought that by getting mad, he would change.

But now that he is gone, I really miss him and all I think about is if I had done things different, maybe all this would not have happened. But on the other hand, I think about how tight he is sometimes. Like when we go out to eat, he looks at the bill for a long time, and he will at times complain that it was too expensive. That gets to me, it gets me mad. Why is he thinking about money if I am his wife and that breakfast was for me??? Why is he weird at times. He shows no manners at times, he can be immature and ill mannered when it comes to money. When he orders at a restaurant, and his meal does not have a big portion of fries, he will complain that it is too little for his money. He gives me things, and if we get mad at each other, he will take them away, like a little kid. I feel unprotected like he doesn't care about me.

He has no sense of manners at times. I see other men who take care of the wife and who are really into protecting her and I don't feel like that, he is not the typical man. But he has never cheated on me and he has no addictions, he hardly even drinks. After work, he will come straight to the house.

One time he told me that I was his first woman in his life and that he don't know much about woman. Also, that he grew up in a family where his dad never showed love, all he did was work and make money. The fact he is very tight and ill mannered makes me fear about our future if we were to get back. I feel scared to get a house with him because I am afraid that if he makes the payment, one day we get in a fight, he might kick me out because he makes payments. I feel scared for our marriage. But I miss him and feel so scared that he may not return. He hasn't called or seen me to try to work things out. The day he left, he took out his ring and left it at one of the tables.

Hi Dukeboy, welcome to MB.

I'm not a seasoned veteran - so feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt - but here are my observations:

You sound very punitive. Example: He makes me mad so I withhold (money)(sex). He makes me mad so I demand a divorce.

I'm not excusing his actions - but the only thing we can control is *ourselves*. By punishing him for things he's doing, you are love-busting. I'm not suggesting that you should accept abusive behavior from him, but fighting fire with fire doesn't work. I know. I've been there.

Look at yourself. Whether he returns or not. Even if he does, unless some things change, you're going to re-enter the same cycle. You have the power to change yourself. Be the best person you can be. You can't force him to have good manners, or change his frugal ways (most people complain that spouses spend too freely! Can't win <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ). So you either have to decide if you can live with these things, these love-busters he does, or not.

If he decides to change his ways - that's another thing, but that's something you cannot control.

YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL WHAT YOU SAY AND WHAT YOU DO.

Do you know where he is? How long has he been gone?

JinGA

I guess, now, that he is absent from, I realize that I miss him. There were times that I fought with him for small things, like when he didn't want to massage my feet. I felt bad that he told me know, so I got mad, and I ignored him for like two weeks, no talking, no sex, no cooking, no nothing. I don't know why there were times that he didn't want to do things for me or the apartment. That is when I would get mad. Perhaps, he wanted me to ask him in an ultra nice and kind way????I don't know why at times he hesitated to do things. I guess, maybe what my mother told me is correct, if you give it to him(sex) he will be very happy, but if you deny it, he will be upset. My mom said men depend on sex to be happy. I guess, more sex, less negativity, would have avoided all this. It is just that I got mad and hurt that at times I would ask of him simple little errands or obligations, he hesitated. He made me feel like he wanted to have a wife for free.

Sex should not be a weapon, or a bargaining chip. It should be a mutually satisfying reward for filling each others' emotional needs.

I've learned this the hard way, and it's one of the love-busters I own in the demise of my own marriage.

Now that I'm divorced and missing married life with my husband (when it was good), I've learned from this site, that filling each other's emotional needs is paramount to a good marriage.

If he'd filled my emotional needs, I wouldn't have had any problems fulfilling his sexual needs. If I'd fulfilled his sexual needs better, he wouldn't have withdrawn emotionally as he did. We *both* own fault. I've admitted mine, he's sort of indirectly owned some of his failures in our case. I'm wanting to work toward reconciliation but I'll save that for my own threads.

In hindsight, if we could have fulfilled each others' needs, we could have saved it. And now that he's gone, but still around, I think I could better tolerate some of the small annoyances that I used to make a big deal about, because the important stuff would have been more important.

Hind sight is 20/20.

I often wonder if he feels the same way...

My point is, it sounds like you use sex as a punishment for "bad" stuff and a reward for "good" stuff. It shouldn't work that way.

If there's one thing I've learned here, the focus of a good marriage should be for both partners to take this attitude:

"What can I do today to make my spouse's life better?"

Now this won't work too well if only one spouse takes that attitude, because it could be very one-sided. But if both spouses put each other's needs before their own, and do their best to fill each other's needs, there's no need to sweat the small stuff.

Why are you so reluctant to try to fill your husband's needs?

If you read the articles on this site about emotional needs, and about Plan A, you will learn that the best strategy is to make yourself better first. Make yourself into someone you'd like to be around, and he will want to be around you too. Put his needs first.

If you suspect he's having an affair, it's time to find that out and expose it. I don't know if that's the case, but that's often why spouses withdraw, because they are drawn to someone else - someone who *is* filling their emotional and/or sexual needs.

Ignoring your H for 2 weeks and going "on strike" does not make you more attractive to him - it makes you less attractive and he's more likely to look elsewhere for satisfaction.

Please, if you haven't done so, read the articles here - they are lifesavers and Marriage BUILDERS.

If after reading those, you are willing and able to implement Plan A and work on yourself, then the marriage may be able to be saved - but first you have to be someone he wants to come home to.

In support,

JinGA

Thanks for you reply. Unfortunatley, he hasn't called or returned. I am starting to feel hopeless and preparing for the worse. I think I lost him. However, you are right. Now that he is gone, maybe through sex, I could have gotten him to modify his ways, not change, but to put me first. I guess, I lost him. I made a big deal out of little things. He never cheated me, and I know very well that he was not with someone else. I know because, he was the type to be home straight from work and he had no addictions . He didn't really drink much. His only things that got him in trouble were his tight attitude, hesitant to do things for me and the house, and taking his frustrations on my parents to the point where he was disrespectful to them.

But he is gone, I don't think he missess me or thinks of me. I guess because of how he was when he was with me. i often wonder if really is missing me now that we are separated. If you have experience in this topic, let me, is it possible that he is moving on with his life or is he missing me as much as I am suffering??????????

I think you missed my point completely. YOU cannot change him. You can only change yourself. He can only change himself, if he wishes to. It sounds like you were both in a power struggle and he took his power back by leaving.

I have no idea what he is thinking or feeling right now. Does he have a cell phone? Can you call him? Has he been to work? If he just dropped off the planet, would anybody else miss him and call you to see about his whereabouts and well-being?

It's quite possible if he just "vanished" that he is with someone else. Where would he go? Just out of human decency it wouldn't be a bad idea to at least locate him, even if you don't speak with him directly, just for peace of mind. I'd have gone nuts if my XH had just disappeared without a trace.

Your posts seem to be all about "you"... not about him except to complain about him. You asked if he's worth it - well is he? If he's so "tight" and abusive, why try to save it? Locate him, have him served with divorce papers and get on with life.

If not - if you want to save the M, the best place to start is to locate him, TALK to him, and implement Plan A if only to better yourself and address the issues within YOU that prompted him to leave in the first place.

Once you've done that, if HE does not make an effort to reconcile his part of the M, then you can and should divorce. That's what happened in my case... I started working on myself but XH wasn't interested at that point (he closed the barn door AFTER the horse left) and my only alternative at that time to protect my kids and myself, was to divorce.

I wish I hadn't but at the time it was the only reasonable choice to make. I'm in the process of trying to re-do Plan A and attract my husband back - he's made some changes that I can see - but I don't know yet if he feels there's anything to rebuild - time will tell.

Locate your husband. Talk to him. Work on yourself. Stop punishing him. Read the articles and even seek some counseling.

JinGA

Well, to all those who have been replying and following this case closely, My hubby called me and wants to work things out. Jhe really wants to make me happy he claims. He tells me that he opened up his eyes and only wants to make me happy from mow on. He promises to change and prove his love by being a good husband. He wants us to travel and do things together. He clams that he cannot change the past, he can only improve every present and future moment. He realized that without me he is nothing, That I make him a better person and that I am his best friend.He claims to be sorry and that he opened up his eyes.

I don't know if to believe him or not. I want us to live in my parents apartment just to see if he can be a loving husband with my folks around. I want to see if he can respect my parents. He wants to win all my family's trust back. The problem is that now my family does not like him. My mom and sister are standing by my side. However, my parents don' t like him. I want to live back in the apartment becuase I want us t grow strong as a couple, thereafter, we can move on in our own place.

Is this okay or wrong????Should I give this man another opportuntiy even though my family doesn't like him???? Is he playing games with me???? I dont want to get hurt and have to separate down the road becuase he will go back to being the cold and immature husband he used to be????