I have a great deal of respect for you but this quote:
is so wrong in so many ways. Yes, perhaps in some cases but not all. You just painted many of us with a very broad brush. I challenge you to deal with an OW that will stop at nothing to interfere in your marriage for the rest of your life. You have no idea, honestly you don't.

I wanted to add TR, that we do protect our COM the best we can. I would love to have my DD meet her brother and I have been open to C since I learned of the pregnancy. Some OW do not make it easy and it would cause a great deal of stress and chaos for BOTH the COM and the OC. In my case, we have decided to not have C at least at this point. We feel it would hurt OC more than help.

On top of all that, you may know I lost my IL's over this mess. That means my COM lost their grandmother, aunt/uncle and cousins.

Thanks, Faith for sticking up for BW with OC. I was thinking the same thing about the broad label that was applied in TR post.


"And shame on those Adults that condemn other siblings to this same/similar situation."


No one should ever "for shame" someone who has been through this horror and kept their family together. It is the efforts of the BW/BH that saves the marriage after A/OC occurs. The amount of forgiveness, acceptance, patience, love, and unselfishness that a betrayed spouse must demontrate is staggering and uncomprehensible to the average person. And outsiders never know the real details of the situation.

For shame Top Rope for your casual judgement of others you know nothing about.

I would never insist that someone have contact with an OC. It is true that the OW will play a big part in your life, no matter how much you try to keep her out. I got along well with her. She was not a mean person, just did stupid things to try to hold onto a relationship with my husband.

Although my husband paid a good chunk of child support, she STILL had problems keeping a roof over their head. They got evicted several times. It was always stressful, wondering what would happen next.

The clothes and things that were bought for the OC seemed to disappear when sent home. We worried that she was not taking good care of her daughter, partying, etc.

And then she met a guy and took her away, and never contacted us again.

However, a child is not like an object that you can just pretend doesn't exist. One day the child will be seeking to find the father and any brothers or sisters.

Whoever that said? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Honestly B, I shocked you said that. Neither me or Lbelle said the child is an "object". As I said before I WANTED a relationship with OC, it is the child's looney mother that keeps him from his father, step mother and brother/sister. Why does the BW always get the blame? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Additionally, if a H/W chooses NC they do so to protect their family. There is no across the board right or wrong in these situations.

FF - I completely agree with you, and my "object" phrase does sound harsh. I often read about people who desire no contact with the OC, and also don't tell the COM. All I'm saying is that one day it may all come to a head. In fact it is almost certain that the OC will find the father.

Anyway, I was glad that my sons had known all along that they had a sister. Her message came out of the blue, and at least it wasn't a complete shock to them.

I was the BS, and made the decision to have the OC in my life. It was the father's family that refused to acknowledge the OC. So he is dead, and left the mess for us. My boys are not happy with their aunt, his sister. They talked to her about it and she STILL denies that there is an OC.

The lesson for me is that once there is an OC, that fact cannot be undone. If the BS chooses NC, they are liable to have the OC knocking at their door in the future.

Believe me, I know how difficult the whole thing is, and was just journaling, sorting it all out.

I'm getting her a ticket to fly down, and that will be interesting. In my mind she is still a little girl.

And by the way, I always thought that the OW had the OC on purpose to trap the father into a relationship. Once she figured out it was not going to be, she only kept the OC for a year, and then pawned her off on her sister.

Thanks for explaining, B.

Poor mija.

[color:"purple"]We must always remember, what works for one situation may not work for another.

Some people work hard to handle the OW/OC situation, some just can't fathom the idea at all.

None of us should judge another for choices they make for themselves, much less those that make decisions they feel are best for their family, especially their children.

believer's children are upset that their family on their father's side never accepted the OC, and as siblings they have every right to feel that one of "their own" has been slighted.
But we, as outsiders, have to accept their choice in not accepting the OC. It's something they feel they cannot handle. And that is their right to feel that way.
We may not agree with they way they are handling things, but then some people don't agree with the way we each handle our own unique situations.

God bless children. They have such big, loving hearts.
They can see past adult issues and see only another child in need of love and compassion.

Kudos to your family, believer. And many prayers for your reunion with the OC.

Stacia [/color]