Today is the 3-week anniversary of my WH telling me he wants a divorce. I am reading everything I can here about plan A, ENs, lovebusters etc., but I just feel physically incapable of doing it. I cry all the time. I started antidepressants 2 weeks ago and have been to 2 counselling sessions. My WH is leaving and that's that. The stuff he says - even if it is babble, hurts so much. Some of the more painful things - he doesn't love me, hasn't loved me in years, he can't come back because it would unfair to OW, he's not leaving because of OW but because he doesn't love me and was planning this anyway etc. etc. Then he acts like he's making great sacrifices because he isn't going to screw me financially - though every single discussion we've had and I've asked for something pr caught him in a lie, he's become incredibly hostile, though later he gives in. He's moving July 1 or sooner if he and OW can find a place. He told me the A has only lasted 3 months, but piecing together things that I know for sure I know it's been longer. He told his mother about 5 months ago about the OW. The A was exposed at his work before I knew. I've exposed it to whatever remaining people there are - even our baseball league though not before he had a chance to spin his own story. All of these people are helping him out and that hurts too.

I cannot describe how alone, rejected, betrayed and desolate I feel. The antidepressants help me to get myself to work but I have not been able to do my job when I'm here. The worst is when I go home - especially weekends. If he is out, then I am all alone crying. If he is in, then we ultimately have a discussion that puts me in tears. I have no friends close to home, just at work which is an hour commute away. It's a long weekend coming up. I don't know if I can cope.

My WH and his OW have ruined my life and I don't think I can get it back. How do I deal with this pain before it destroys what's left of me?

Sorry that you need to be here at all.

You want some good news??? Your H sounds JUST like all of the other WS. My wife told me all the things your H is telling you. Today we are happy and my wife loves me and HATES the OM.

Your feelings are normal and very much the same as all the BS here.

This is all good because we can help you work thru this and come out the other end a better person and you can get your H back. It will take time and hard work. It won't be easy, but it can be done.

What do you say?

I know what you are going thru all too well. Mine started in January. I exposed, but she tells a good story and was left to the wind.

The feeling of isolation is strong in the beginning. This literally turns your world upside down and leaves you disoriented and not knowing which direction to turn.

Stay strong and feel free to email me for support. I have a couple of T-shirts from having been there and done that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

From reading this site and the articles, I know that what he says is expected. But exposure has done nothing - whatever lies he's spun to others they have bought hook, line and sinker. It's as if he read all of this beforehand and lined up his counter strategy in advance. According to his story, this A has been very brief, yet he's moving in with her. She asked for her D 2 weeks before my WH. OWH actually caught them (she went home with hickeys on her neck) and that was their D-day. The only sign I had of any problem - and I did not even dream that this was the problem - was for 2 weeks before he dumped me something was bothering him and he was acting strange. So I really think she pressured him. I think that the 3 months he told me about was the 3 months that they had actually planned this course of action and maybe they weren't going to rush it this quickly but when she got busted, everything moved forward.

So now I hate her, hate him but still love him at the same time. It is not possible for me to find out the identity of the OWH. I only know her first name and she's not the only one by that name at her work. He has instructed everyone at work to screen my calls - they know my voice and they will not give out personal information about staff if I got somebody else to call. Because that info is being carefully guarded from me, I know there is more to the story and I know that he knows more than I do. Otherwise, what difference would it make to either of them if I talked to him? They have both done all the damage they need to do and have all their plans in motion.

It's all so out of control. Yes, my world is upside down. Nothing is real anymore. I don't have the strength to deal with it.

Go to his work and talk to a boss there. Tell him/her the story and ask them what they (company) are going to do about this A.

I know you dont feel like you have the strengh, but only you can do this. We ALL know what you are going thru and you CAN do this.

When he starts down this road put up your hand and say [color:"red"]STOP[/color] ... tell him every word is another stab to your heart and he needs to be silent

do NOT allow him to abuse you in this way

if he keeps going ... get up and leave the room/building/whatever means necessary

silence is better
do not argue/cry/discuss OW with him



BULLchit !

He has every intention of screwing you over .... AGAIN, do NOT discuss this ... get an attorney N O W

secure the finances N O W



Have you read the book by James Dobson called: Love Must Be Tough

it suits your situation

the book is available in most libraries

do NOT allow your WH to see you reading any of these books

let them be your secret weapon for now


NO MORE pointless "discussions"


MAKE PLANS with some friends .... quit isolating yourself


the pain is worsened by your sense of helplessness & your lack of plans

are you suicidal at all?
be honest

I'm sure not far from suicidal. Maybe I would be if I didn't feel so crippled. Just making plans is overwhelming right now. Maybe I need stronger meds. I can't keep this up. He has hurt me so much and it won't go away.

yeah sweetie

call your doctor and tell him/her that you are still sittin' on the edge

tell the doc you are not exactly suicidal... but "not far from"

it's important not to rely on a forum of strangers when you are feeling this way

okay?

could you call today?

where is your son?
does he live with you?

Tabby, you have some powerful weapons in your hands that you are not using because you are allowing your emotions to completely take over. This is understandable, but you must get control here so we can help you help yourself.

First off, you have NO IDEA if the OW's H knows. NO
IDEA. You only know what a liar [your H] has been told by another liar [the OW]. It is very probable that the OWH knows NOTHING and is only telling your H lies to keep him strung along. Nor has his human resources department been told the truth. This is another opportunity at your disposal that has not been used.

Tabby, while there are no guarantees, we have had exposures that ended the affair THAT DAY. At the very least, if you exposed this affair to the OWH and to Human Resources, the true story would get out there. You have this same opportunity with close friends and his family. You have allowed HIM, the liar, to spin the story.

It is imperative that you find out who the OWH IS, along with her parents so you can expose to him. Don't tell me you can't find this out. All it takes is a phone call to a PI. There has to be some way you can find out. Your marriage may depend on it.

You need to buck up, Tabby, and start using the weapons at your disposal. If you continue to lay there on the battle field taking bullets, you are going to die. GET UP. We have work to do. Call around and get the name of a good PI and lets find out who this OW is and who her parents are. The PI can follow your H this weekend and run her license plates when he sees her car.

Did you call an attorney like we advised?

Tabby, I just want to tell you something important here. Yours is NOT a lost cause. I have been here for YEARS and I have seen far worse cases than yours come back from the dead. Did you hear that? THIS IS NOT HOPELESS.

If you can manage to calm yourself down, WE CAN HELP YOU TURN THIS AROUND. There are no guarantees, but I see LOTS of opportunities here to ruin his affair and attract him back.

The affair is MOST LIKELY to crumble, as 95% of them never make it past affairville. It is DOOMED from the start! If you have a plan and a strategy, you can increase the odds of that happening even sooner. Because see, THE INFIDELS have no plan! If you will calm down and let us help you, YOU will have the advantage and will put the OW and your WH on the run!

Can you calm down, hon?

p.s. do you have any good exercise tapes there?

Tabby,

Hey, I just wanted to pop in here for a minute.

My heart is breaking for you right now. I do know EXACTLY what you're going through. It is devestating and horrifying. BUT ... PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP HOPE!!

Melody and the others will help you through this if you listen to them and do as they say. I know you don't want to. I know you feel devestated and helpless right now. I know that feeling, of just wanting to crawl under a rock and die.

Mine is one of those marriage Melody is talking about. It was in ashes due to an affair. And by the Grace of God and the good help of these people of marriabuilders, we are on a solid road of recovery, blessed with the beginnings of a new and happier marriage. Last year at this time, no one could have convinced me this would be so. But it is.

If you need someone to talk to, I'll leave my email. Just let me know.

rlt

I called and talked to his boss. It is a family run company. He said he doesn't get involved in personal matters and it doesn't bother him if those 2 have sex in the back room. Like I said - WH spun his web of lies before he even said anything to me. Same with the baseball league and his family.

I am seeing my dr tomorrow but it might not be any good. He's about 800 years old and despises giving prescriptions for anything. I got the original script from a walkin clinic and saw him last weekend where he gave me only enough to get to tomorrow and that was after I begged and pleaded. I've been wanting to get a new dr for some time but I didn't expect this to happen.

The only info I have on OW is her first name and her cell phone number. I'm tempted to call her directly and ask for her husband's number. She is moving out tonight - WH is helping her with the truck I talked him into buying last year. WH is moving in with her July 1 when their apartment is ready. The only reason it's taking so long is he originally planned on me leaving the house so she could move in here. For some incredulous reason, he thought when he told me that we would just sit down and sort out business details. But when I'm emotionally attached to some item or I don't want to give her something personal, he freaks out because I'm blowing his plan. After a while, he calms down and gives in. He just wants me out of his life as fast as he can. For a 3 month bloody affair!!!!!!

Tabby1

I think you need a new doctor. Surely there is another one at your Dr's office or one that your insurance will recommend. Health care providers are supposed to be partners with their patients-and help them. You aren't being disloyal if you go to a new doctor. You are paying for their service-so you can go where you get the care you need.

You've been given lots of good advice for dealing with a fog brained alien WH. Right now you need to take care of yourself-get a better doctor and get on some AD's.

Don't do that. It will serve no purpose because she'll only spew venom at you. It'll make you look bad in your WH's eyes as well. TRUST ME. I know. Read my story in my signature line and you'll see what confronting OW gets you.

Can you afford a PI... just to figure out who her husband is? It'd be better to contact him directly, not her.

There are lots of GREAT people here to help you. Several of the pros have posted to you. Listen to them!

Don't give up. Start making your plan. Come and vent here as much as you want.

I know it hurts.

((Tabby))

I think Intellius can find the name with the cell phone number. I think that's how I got some of my information.
Tabby, do what they say. I didn't find this site and it might be too late for me to save my marriage but you are still in the beginning. You can do everything the correct way right from the start.

Go to intellius and try to find her name with the cell phone #. They might be able to give you her name and address, which could lead you to her husband and her parents. You can also give that cell phone # to a PI and get background information.

You can also FOLLOW your husband to her house.

Tabby, you have to get to work here. This cannot be saved if you won't lift a finger to help yourself. There is nothing we can do to help if you won't even try. All these people believe LIES because no one has ever told them otherwise.

I'm a little better today. Yesterday I saw the dr again and he gave me another script. He wants me to see a shrink but I'm not crazy, just hurt and badly damaged. After that I finally talked to my BIL who unfortunately went through this exact same thing just 2 months before me. I've been wanting to talk to him since this happened but WH has resisted (obviously) and since BIL moved in with MIL who is completely buying into WHs lies, I haven't been able to just call. Finally WH relented and said if he talked to him (spun his web of lies first) and if he said he would talk to me than he'd set up a time. So yesterday I called him at his former house because he was looking after the kids.

This was the best thing I have done so far. We talked for 2 hours, which is probably more than I've talked to him cumulatively over the course of my marriage. But everything his WW said to him was EXACTLY everything my WH said to me. The lies were so identical. Even the behavior pre-D-day was identical. Neither of us had any suspicion but looking back we can both recall things that must have been part of the A. For example, the night my WH's cell phone rang at home and he just turned the sound off without answering. He told me it was his work - which totally doesn't make sense since why didn't they try calling the house first. The exact same thing happened to my BILs WW and she told the exact same lie and he bought it without the slightest suspicion as well and didn't think about it until later. So it was very therapeutic to talk to him. He's 2 months further along in the process than me and though he's still depressed, he's at least functional now. It gives me some hope that I may be able to do something before I rot away in my misery.

I also put that number into Intellius. I'm still waiting for my report. How long does it take? OW moved out of her house Friday. She is supposedly staying with a friend and WH says the friend won't let him stay there. But he didn't come home Friday night at all (said he was playing poker all night) and I don't think he came home until very early this morning. He was gone by 6 am.

I told him I wanted some ground rules for while he is still here. Rule #1 was that she was not to call or text message while he was here. He complained that it wasn't "fair" to her so I gave him Rule #2 - regardless of how he feels, I'm still the wife and she's the mistress and that he's cheating on me with her, not the other way around. So he's not to utter a single word that even suggests these roles are switched around. He can tell her whatever he wants, but when it comes to speaking to me, he needs to give me the respect that I'm entitled to, despite the pain he's caused me. I could tell he was mad about this rule, but he didn't say anything. One thing that's been rather consistent through all this is no matter how angry he gets, when I point out that it was his decision and he's the one breaking marriage vows and commandments, he stops arguing.

Rule # 3 was that he's to keep me informed of when he's coming and going. I didn't ask him to tell me where he was, but just when he's to return and to call if there's a change. One of the things that puts me into a downward spiral is when I expect him to return and he doesn't and then of course he lies about it later. I end up calling him and he's out with his affair-buddies (all those people from work who have been so helpful to the 2 of them). I don't want to have to call and hear that party going on in the background.

Finally, Rule #4 was for the future. In no way, shape or form was this woman to show up at anything that is mine. That includes everything from my sons graduation and wedding to our baseball games (I'm on a different team now but we still play at the same park). He thought this was unreasonable and said he would quit baseball which I said was fine. I explained that this woman is responsible for ruining my life and my sons and she is not to be allowed to touch anything else in my life. I even said when he breaks up with her and finds someone else later, she would be ok (not welcome) to come to these things with him. But not this particular woman. Of course he screamed and defended her, but I reminded him of Rule #2. He keeps on saying how he's so much better than BILs WW because he's not trying to take everything and he's trying to help out etc., but he's exactly the same. It's just part of his lies that he tells his mother and his A-friends.

So I hope I can keep the helplessness at bay for a bit. I know it will come back again but it's so draining in and of itself. There are many things I'm not ready to do yet and I still feel pretty withdrawn, scared and lonely. And I'm still very angry at him which is not healthy but it keeps me from being a bluthering cry baby when he's around.

Tabby, you are a strong person; I admire you for that. It took me 10 months before I stopped being the doormat. I'm stationed in DC and my husband lives in KY, so I am trying to fight for my marriage via long distance. In my situation I am being treated like the OW, I'm not allowed to be seen with him in town because for the past 2-3 years they have been acting as a family. I am the outsider and he wants to protect her from being embarrassed. I get to go home once a month and she has him the rest of the time. I wish we were living together; a couple of times when I was able to stay more than a weekend, he actually mentioned that we might still have a chance. Of course it only lasted until he saw her again. Now that I have gone dark, she has him all the time but since he still has his sanctuary (our home) he will never know what it is like to be with her and her kids 24/7. I am going home this Thursday and staying for 11 days; maybe it will help him to decide which side of the fence he wants to be on.
Isn't the fact that your husband is willing to follow your rules a good thing? Stay strong; being strong seems to be what works. One day at a time, one step at a time. Why is it always so much harder during the weekends <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />