Well, I backslid and decided to check my H's phone records. He is out of town, plus he has left me so I wanted to see if he was "moving on".

Terrible idea. Even though I did find out stuff I feel horrible. Here I am trying to change and I give in...

Found calls on the 17th, the day he decided not tocome home, all night long from a cell phone owned by a lady who allows strippers at a caberet to use her phone.

There were several incoming calls, outgoing calls, and txt messages. They started at 8pm and kept on almost continuously until 2am on the 19th. He is with his uncle, and his uncle is a "player" so the stuff may be from him.

The only thing is that they had to of gone to the strip club that night, my H did not stay at his mom's like he said he was going to. I am just so devestated. I have not been perfect, but I have been a good wife where it really counts.

I have been supportive, faithful, and tried to meet his needs. He is not "into" strip clubs, this would be the first time in 4 years or so. When he got with me I had asked him about the issue. He said why go to a strip club when he has me right here. He has always said that.

Even during the talks of seperation he would always make comments like "well, if I ever need to have sex I know a girl who loves to have sex, I will just have to hop on over and see her." I would then look at him and he would say "you know Im talking about you right?" and I would say yes, of course.

Here is my question... How can I let him know I know and find out if they were intamite with any of the strippers without him knowing I looked?

I was thinking of telling him my sister just got a job at "the club he was at" and she saw him there and the girl he was with started talking about how they were going to get together. My sister used to strip so it is believable. Is it wrong to fib about it? I just do not want him to be able to urn the tables on me like he always does.

The next step would be to write him a letter about how this makes me feel right?

I want to save my marriage, although I am torn, I do not want him to think I will forgive him everytime he runs out a messes with a stripper (if that is indeed what he has done, it seems pretty probable). To be honest I am not sure I could deal with looking at him and knowing what he may have done, I am just disgusted, hurt, angry, etc.

I also found out his family has been trying to cover for him. He missed work on friday (probably from having sooo much fun at the strip club).

His sister called him and left a message telling him to call her, she was worried, and if he did not call her within an hour she was going to callme, so if he did not want me to know he missed work then he better call. How would I be able to overcome a whole family that enables him to participate in behaviors that would end our marriage or complicate our marriage?

You came to the right place! However, I am not the one to give advice as I am new. I have just begun Plan B and it sounds like that is where you might want to consider. There are a lot of people on this site who can help you come up with a plan but they usually don't log in during the weekend. Weekdays are great, you can get a lot of input. Don't give up! I started Plan B a week or so ago but I caved but I'm back on the horse again. It's reallllly hard but people here have been very helpful. Since it's slow, you might try reading some of the threads, you might find one similar. Anyway, I'm watching the board if you want to talk. I'm having a low weekend so it helps.

Just like TWBD, I am fairly new here, but I do watch the board obsessively. I have read majority of the threads, and it has helped me to be strong in my fight.

I started Plan B three weeks ago unwillingly, but I feel so much better for doing it.

My advice (before the pros chime in) is to read the threads. There are a lot of similar stories out there.

Be strong. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank both of you for your replies. I will wait to say anything until I get a plan on what to say and how to say it. I do not want to infuriate my H, I just want him to know I know and that I do not approve, whether there was intamacy or not.

I think it was pretty much a "ill get you back" type of act. We had an argument earlier that day and he had said he would not be home that night. He probably did not think I would find out. Thinking back I could tell on Friday he was looking guilty of something. I thought it was because he had overacted to what I was saying to him. Now I know it is because he knows what he did was wrong.

As I said, I am by far not the perfect wife, but I am failful and loyal. My main downfall was nagging. I would nag for more atttention and affection. He made a comment that no matter how hard he tried nothing was ever good enough. As I told him everything WAS good enough I was just getting greedy.

I think about him coming in to hug me or stroke my skin and my skin crrawls. All I can think about is a struipper giving him a lapdance and him possibly putting his hands on her. I know no matter what I may have done wrong in our marriage I DO NOT deserve this one bit.

I want to make the marriage work, but I also do not want to not trust him or wonder whether he is still seeing or going to this strip club. I am not going to compete with a stripper.

I just want to scream at him" If I become a ho and a stripper will you be happy with me? Will you stay married to me then?" I know I cannot say that and I won't but I just do not understand. My heart hurts, it feels so tight in my chest. I want to bawl but I have to be strong for my kids.

I want to smack him and say what in the heck were you thinking? Sure you are confused but does going to places like that or possiblly having intercourse with a strange woman help make things clearer to you? Do you want me to end up hating you because if so keep it up....

That is one thing he has said. He said he wanted and needed a break before we ended up hating each other. I told him I love him and could never hate him, but if he cheated on me then it would be over. I told him that I would be willing to be intamite with him while we were seperated as long as he promised it would be exclusive. He said of course. I explained the last thing I need is to contract some nasty disease because we were having marital issues.

I am so angry right now. I should wait to find our details before going beserk, but it is hard. I would have never in a million years thought he would actually do something like this, I would worry, but in my heart of hearts I knew he would not hurt me like that. He even said he would never hurt me like that.....

Girl, don't do anything until you get some expert advice. You seem to be going down the same path I was and it was definitely wrong. DON'T make it easy for him and definitely don't believe anything he says right now. You should get a lot of input tomorrow. Make sure you thread is on top because it will get lost real easy.

Go read Surviving an Affair and Love must be tough. This is so you can get your emotions under control. Then read my sig link about the stages of grieving. Anger is one phase.

Btw, you s/b angry at the WS NOT your H. Learn to distinguish between the 2 and learn how to deal separately with each one.

L.

Good thought here.....but it is completely and absolutely worthless if you are going to make a decision to be "intimate" with him based on a promise made by him. If you are going to do this, you should be ready and willing to contract a "nasty disease" as you say.

Pretty simple actually. This is NOT a grey matter. It is open and shut.

LM

How are things going today? You should be able to get a lot of help tonight.

Well, I have been "researching" and I talked to the girl, who is his uncle's girlfriend. She is actually really nice, a waitress there. She said he has only been going there for two weeks and only a couple times during the two weeks. She said he does not even go to the stage, he just sits in the back and drinks beeer.

Yesterday he had txt messaged me saying he was "just chillin". I had a sneacking suspicion he was there so I got in my car and drove there. Low and behold there was his truck.

I sent him a txt message saying my sis was applying for a job there and saw him. I then called and left a voicemail saying I would be there in 30 min.

He called me back 10 min later saying he was not at the place. He told me to meet him at a gas station nearby.

We talked for a min. and he said he was at a bar close by. I told him it was funny because he was parked in the parking lot. I explained I had already been there. He looked like he felt really bad and confessed to going there.

He was not angry when we started home. He had told me I could call the number and that is when I talked to the girl (his uncle's girlfriend)who works there.

When we pulled up he was suddenly very angry. He got mad I was talking to her and made comments all night about her beeing my "new buddy". I told him she was not my new buddy and told him everything her and I talked about.

He was still angry.

I told him he was not angry at me but angry at himself. Mind you I kept my cool the entire time, no yelling just talking sweetly.

He told me to stop talking about everything or he would not be home tomorrow. I told him that was not right, I have done nothing wrong. I told him I have been faithful ad honest that it was he was the one who was doing wrong.

I told him if he wanted to work "us" out he would have to stop going there. I told him I would not wait around for him and be "perfect wife" while he was going to strip clubs. He said I should'nt have to.

He said he would not go, but then he made a comment that "maybe one day he would stop going, if not for himself but for MY son." He made another comment saying if I want to talk to him while he is drunk then for me to be prepared to hear stuff I don't want to hear and that he does not mean.

Now I am in this place where I do not know anything. I did tell him I did not know who he is anymore, and it disgusts me to see him drunk and going to these places. I reminded him how not too long ago he was saying he was content with our sex life and he did not need strip clubs... this topic came up after him telling me his uncle is always going to them.

His uncle also has alot to do with all this. I know my husband has a mind of his own, but recently he has been spending alot of time with him, the last two months. His uncle has no respect for relationships....

I just do not know if things can be mended. I can forgive and forget if he can acknowldge this is harmful behavior to our marriage. He said he knew it was wrong, but he just seems so angry at ME for it. Is this normal?

I did get to see all the txt messages from his uncles girlfriend, many of them had comments about me (don't get too drunk you cannot drive home to your wife). The rest were talking about his uncle. I feel comfortable with all this, just not him going to strip clubs.

I made a comment not too long ago about taking a class offered on stripping. It is just married women who go to the class and learn how to strip for their husbands, helping them to get in touch with themselves and be comfortable with their bodies (no nakedness there, that is only for the bedroom). He flew off the wall about it. I explained I just wanted to learn how to do something for HIM. It ended in a if I go to the class then I would be ending our marriage.

He also made a comment last night saying it was me who did not care about "us", I cared about him, but not "us". I was like how did I not care for us? I have bent over backwards to make "us" work. Ive beat myself up over the past month thinking I was the one doing wrong. I nagged for time spent. How I went about it was wrong, but the reason was not wrong.

Now I am the one angry over this. I will not be angry towards him, but I am angry. He says he is lost and confused, does not like the fact I "search" on him (he has always been private in this respect, so it is not just because he is doing wrong right now), and wants to see my changes become permanent.

I just txtd him alot, and he txtd back. I let him know I can wait and deeal with his confusion but I will not if strip clubs are part of the deal. He has not responded yet, but atleast he knows where I stand in that respect. I would not do those things, even go to a regular bar, even if our marriage was problematic so I will not allow him to do the same to me, I deserve more respect than that.

I want my marriage to work, I love my husband. There are many ways in which he is a very good man. Right now, I do not know who this man is. He is a drunk, he is always so angry at the world, he goes in late to work, none of this is "him". Just three months ago he would socially drink, rarely ever get "drunk", was content, and was at work at 5:00am every morning. The man I know is a good man and this man is not him.....