I read with interest Dr. Harley's admission that some people, whether they like it or not, have a strong emotional need for physical attractiveness in a spouse. I'm afraid I might be one of those people, much to my disappointment. I wish it weren't so, because on a purely philosophical level, I can't help but repudiate such a tendency as superficial. But there it is. And I can't seem to do very much about it.

I'm not the type of person who needs a beautiful car, clothes or home. That's why this makes so little sense to me. I even agree wholeheartedly that our culture puts far too much emphasis on looks, especially women's looks. Still, whenever I hear a man raving about his love for his wife, he usually includes, "She's so beautiful." How come? Why never, "She's such a great companion"? Always beauty -- beauty gets top billing.

Having admitted this, I still find it almost impossible to lessen the importance of physical attractiveness in my own set of emotional needs. My wife is nothing to complain about, lookswise. But when she does look unattractive (as everyone does), I'm miserable. My whole mood goes in the can.

On the other side of the coin, I HATE being around attractive women, especially sexually attractive women. I've worked in environments where there were lots of curvacious young women, and it has almost made me crazy with frustration. For some reason, I feel compelled to compare my wife unfavorably to more beautiful women -- even women on TV. I've been doing this for decades. I'm ashamed of it, but I haven't been able to change.

We're both past middle age now. The importance of beauty ought to be fading (just as beauty itself fades at that age). And it is fading, a little. But not enough. I still find myself avoiding places and situations where there are likely to be attractive women. I even ended up going on meds because of this, believe it or not.

Frequently, I will avoid looking directly at my wife, for fear that her looks will disappoint me. I know that sounds totally wacked out, if not depraved. But I just can't seem to get my act together in this area.

Is there some perspective I can gain that will help me get past this? Or am I just stuck? Sometimes I wonder if some of this stems from my teen years, when I indulged some in pornography. Could it have created overly high expectations?

I hope I haven't offended the women here too much. I know this makes me sound like a swine from the pits of darkness. But I don't want to be like this. Any suggestions (besides "drop dead") would be appreciated.

It would be hard to say drop dead to someone who felt as badly about this as you do.

First, I think you are wise to avoid places where there are lots of available attractive women. That shows how wise you are!

Is your wife aware of how important it is to you that she looks her best? That is a good start. While she may have days when she looks more tired, she can make an extra effort.

Also, I’ve noticed that the cliché of men in their middle years wanting a nubile young nymphette has some merit. Where it is status symbol, proof of virility or simply a feeble attempt to steal back some youth, I don’t know. I doubt the men do either. At any rate, it may be natural. Just don’t act on it. If you think you’d be happier, start watching the Simple Life. I once read somewhere that the reason youth had the looks was so that it was forgiven for its selfishness, its lack of empathy, its callousness, its ignorance, its intolerance, etc.

I don't think beating yourself up about this is the way to go about addressing this problem. I also don't agree that it is superficial to be attracted to someone because of the way they look. Obviously looks aren't everything, but appearence is also an indication of attention and caring. Nobody gets out of bed looking their best. It takes effort and attention to make one's self presentable. Sure some people tend to have an easier time of this than others, but I've always found that nothing beats taking the time to present yourself in a presentable fashion. I admire people who take the time to present themselves to the world in as favorable a fashion as reasonably possible.

Regardless of all that it kind of sounds to me like you are dealing with a personal issue. An identity crisis of sorts (mid-life crisis?). Talking about this with a counselor or someone you trust can help you tremendously. Talking about it with someone else allows you to bring this out in the open as opposed to bottling these feelings up inside. It also can introduce some accountability for you. Help you to deal with this problem. Also you'll want to be open and honest about this with your wife. She needs to know in order to meet this need for you as best she can. How you can bring this up with her is going to be tough, but you both need to be on the same page going forward.

Thanks, both of you. I think just putting this problem down in print helped. I appreciate your comments and encouragement.

My main concern with avoiding places and events is that I'll become quasi-agoraphobic, shunning things that normal people don't. But I'll just have to work through that.

And yes, I am aware of how devastating it would be to act on one of these impulses. I plan to stay as far from such a thing as possible.

My wife knows that looks are a big deal. Sometimes she makes an effort to look nice for me (which I appreciate), but often she's just too busy. I understand that, but it still bothers me. I wish it didn't.

The comments about my need for counseling are probably on target.

Thanks again.

What do you look like?

Do you consider yourself to be more attractive than your wife?

Just curious.

Having admitted this, I still find it almost impossible to lessen the importance of physical attractiveness in my own set of emotional needs. My wife is nothing to complain about, lookswise. But when she does look unattractive (as everyone does), I'm miserable. My whole mood goes in the can.
______________________________


Did you always feel this way?
or does it have to do w/ aging?
how old are you and your wife?

how did you feel about her looks before you married?

how are your other top needs being met? is she affectionate?
how is the sex?

do you feel less bothered by her looks when she is meeting your other needs?

For some reason, I feel compelled to compare my wife unfavorably to more beautiful women -- even women on TV. I've been doing this for decades. I'm ashamed of it, but I haven't been able to change.

_________________

have you considered counseling?
comparing your wife to models and TV stars is extrememly unhealthy and unfair to BOTH OF YOU.

this post is depressing.
i find myself comparing my own looks to unrealistic standards...and feeling i don't measure up.
if i were doing THAT to my husband i'd be so miserable....i don't think i could live w/ myself.

zztap,

I am the wife of someone who has AS as one of his top needs. It has been hard for me, because I am always afraid that I will fall short of his standard of beauty as I age. That is a scary thing for me. I do my best to remain fit and groomed....but I am aging.

I have seem some progress and growth in my husband in this area....and surprisingly, it's come from unusual sources. Perhaps some of these things could be of help to you.

Community Service: My husband has given more and more community service...as a couple it's something that we have put more an more emphasis on. It has a tendency to help us remember what things in life are really important and how blessed we are. When you see the pain and tragedy that some have endured....it's easier to see the beauty that shines through the ordinary or even the ugly.

Faith: When we were travelling all over the world, it was hard to find churches where English was spoken. Coming back home, finding a church, and putting down roots has also opened our eyes to the a "greater" kind of beauty....the beauty that God sees in all of us.

Loss: When we lose friends and family....it often gives us perspective on our own lives. My husband has a best friend who was an extremely handsome man. He was as vain as my husband, and also really "needed" a beautiful wife. He developed cancer, and has had massive amounts of chemo. He lost all of his beautiful hair, and yet....he has in many ways, he values his life far more, and sees beauty in different things. "Beautiful" right now....is the bond and dedication his wife has shown him. She hasn't left his side. When he lost his hair, my husband shaved his head in support and the experience has changed him as well.

Anniversaries: We celebrated my husband's parents 50th anniversary recently. Seeing the legacy of beauty and dedication they left through the lives of their family defines beauty in a different way too.

In short.....I guess the message I'm trying to send to you is that you aren't terrible for wanting a beautiful wife....but if you feel your obessession about physical beauty is unhealthy for you....then grow your spirit and it will create a growth in your perspective about beauty too. Superficiality breeds superficiality.....we attract what we project. Your world shapes itself around your thoughts.

What is the opposite of superficiality? Since superficial means "on the surface" or "skin deep", "shallow"....then perhaps the opposite is "deep", "authentic" or "genuine". If that's true....how does one become more authentic?

I don't claim to know the answer....but what I suspect is that raising compassion, giving to others, experiencing loss, and having faith all shape our meaning of beauty. Reach out and change someone else's life....instead of focussing so narrowly on sexuality and physical beauty.

Help build a house for someone.
Dish out soup to the homeless.
Become a mentor.

That may sound like a ridiculous way to change your perspective on beauty....but give it a try.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What a great story, Starfish.

Hi Zztap

I watched something on tv yesterday that might help you. I wish I had caught the name of the researcher and his web site; I'll keep looking. Anyhow, the point was that when you fantasize about doing something you know is wrong, that it is important to finish the fantasy. What that means is that when you think about being with someone else, the story should continue in your mind to include the obvious consequences and pain of that choice. Aparently this brain exercise is more effective at preventing yourself from acting on the fantasy -- and continuing to enjoy ones like it -- than cutting the fantasy off at the beginning... or middle. Unfortunately there are many people here who turned their fantasies into reality. They know the real consequences. Read their stories.


Mrs. W8ing

I don't think that the need for an attractive spouse should be a source of shame at all.

How is saying...well I'm tempted by other men because they TALK better than saying I'm tempted because they do a lot of sit ups?

It's all relative imo.

I think there are a lot of things you can do...make sure that your wife knows this is iomportant to you...go out of your way to encourage her to dress attractively and to have the opportunity and benefits that medicine can provide if she'd like.

I also think it's impoprtant to distinguish between the need for an attractive spouse and the temptation to lust after women who are also attractive because they are available.

That would be for the conversatioinalist no different than distinguishing between getting their need for conversation met...with justifying flirtatious conversation because someone was able to provide it.

We're both past middle age now. The importance of beauty ought to be fading (just as beauty itself fades at that age). And it is fading, a little. But not enough. I still find myself avoiding places and situations where there are likely to be attractive women. I even ended up going on meds because of this, believe it or not.

Frequently, I will avoid looking directly at my wife, for fear that her looks will disappoint me. I know that sounds totally wacked out, if not depraved. But I just can't seem to get my act together in this area.

Is there some perspective I can gain that will help me get past this? Or am I just stuck? Sometimes I wonder if some of this stems from my teen years, when I indulged some in pornography. Could it have created overly high expectation?
__________________________________________________


i thought about this post yesterday while i was paging thru current mens and womens magazines at my hair salon.

both magazines rated the top celebrity FEMALE bodies.

the womens magazine took a poll on which celebrity body women most envied and wished they could look like.
the mens magazine polled men on which woman had the best body and body parts and who they wished they get with.

unreasonable expectations?
i would say so.
Is there some perspective to gain? i think it might help to understand that many of us have been taught to think that we are less than because we do not look like or do not have a spouse who looks like the beautiful people we have been programed to think are so special.

That's so true. Everyone on TV and other media is stunning. It tricks the brain into thinking that's the way it is supposed to be.

I'm a bit confused over this. If you will, please, define what "effort" means, regarding her looking nice, in your opinion. Do you mean an all-out prep like going out for the evening, or simple absolutions (shower, some makeup, fix hair a little, and an attractive but casual outfit)? You don't mean she's too busy for the latter, do you?

I don't think women should be expected to look glammed up all the time, but, for example, I I shower and shave, have makeup on and curl my hair every day. It never occurred to me NOT to do those things daily...unless I'm very sick.

One of my friends admits to only shaving her legs when she has a date. Another friend has great hair, and when she dolls up it's spectacular....but most days she just piles it back in a ponytail.

How much effort do you want regularly to be happy?

On today's radio show Dr Harley mentioned a study which indicated that 62% of men desire a physically attractive spouse. 42% of women desired a physically attractive spouse.
Harley said that this need can continue well past child rearing years